You Know It’s A Bad Day When…

You start thinking about your comfort food. I’m pretty sure everyone has a comfort food, that food you automatically reach for when life becomes too much and you want to bang your head against a wall…I almost grabbed mine today, the only thing stopping me was that I had a large breakfast/lunch with a friend and was still full so that even though I emotionally wanted to grab my comfort food when out grocery shopping I was still so actively  digesting I knew I wouldn’t eat it tonight and no way am I gonna keep it in the apartment to taunt me tomorrow! I may be highly stressed but I haven’t completely lost my mind…yet…

What has me stressed?  Mostly it is the fact that I have been apartment hunting like mad for weeks and weeks, still have no viable leads on a place and have to be out of this one by the end of the month…fuck.  People keep saying things like: “don’t worry you’ll find somewhere” and “it’s not like you’re going to be homeless, it’ll be fine” and other non-helpful variations. I get it, not like any of them can magically make an apartment appear that is in my price range, a decent commute to work and will accept the cat but platitudes do not make me feel better, they make me feel worse because now I feel like I can’t express how stressed/worried/close to full out panic attack I am because everyone keeps minimizing the situation and I can’t very well have a spaz attack about something that everyone else is brushing aside, that would just make me crazy, or weak, or unable to handle life, sigh.

I knew I was stressed about the apartment hunting but didn’t realize just how much until this evening. I went to look at a place, a suite within a house, that was my perfect price tag and a decent commute to work, I had super high hopes…which is a bad thing cause the more you hope the harder the fall when life kicks you in the ass. I got there, the guy seemed nice, took me to the suite and oh my god a hoarder lives there so really hard to see anything cause it’s literally stuffed to the ceiling in some sections. I commiserate though cause when you’re partially packed up and waiting to move no matter what you do your place starts to look insane. Here were the results of my tour: there’s no living room, there are no closets in the entire suite, there is no laundry, there is no storage, there is one window blocked off by bars and they won’t take cats…so, a waste of my time, awesome. *rolls eyes*

I left there a tad upset but by the time I got to the grocery store I was super upset, as in heading towards depressed and going to do something stupid zone. I did my grocery shopping on auto pilot (the benefit of eating pretty much the same thing everyday is grocery shopping doesn’t require a lot of thought anymore), purposefully avoided my comfort food and went back to my apartment where I proceeded to drink strawberry daiquiris and watch a sad movie that makes me a bit teary on the best of days but this evening had me practically bawling. It wasn’t the movie so much as I was already super upset and needed an outlet and the movie provided me an excuse to have a bit of a meltdown…aided of course by the alcohol…And sure I know some people would have gone to the gym and worked it off or just shrugged it off and started yet another apartment search or just plain forgotten about it and hey, I’m happy for those people, but I needed some wallowing time. I was too down to be able to push myself to go to the gym, I have no energy to pack, all I was able to manage was to avoid a food fest which may not seem all that impressive to some people but right now I’m taking my victories where I can…even if they are pathetic victories.

I feel like at this rate I am going to be putting my stuff in to storage and living out of my suv, which will piss the cat off to no end and not really impress me all that much either.

On a weight loss note, I haven’t lost any in a while, in fact I think I gained some…sigh. I’ve been eating out more then I used to and to top it off everyone knows a stressed body gains weight fast and what I am? Super Stressed Girl! Just greeeeeat. So not only do I feel ugly and fat I’m worried I’m going to be an ugly and fat homeless person, with a cat…hmm…where’s that wall for me to bang my head on again?…

Tags: apartment hunting, cat, comfort food, depressed, fat, homeless