Where’d The Time Go?

No, I am not dead, missing, working full time, quitting my blog, abducted by aliens or anything else you might have come up with in the time I have been gone from my blog lol. 😀

I am just a lazy schmuk who couldn’t think of a thing to write about so I didn’t write. shrug. Nobody wants to read a post about how I slept in, went to the gym, didn’t track my food or exercise points so have no idea how I did for the day and then hung out with friends in the evening, heck, it’s my life and I’m not particularly interested in it some days lol 😛

Everyday that nothing of interest happens and I don’t post I think “tomorrow, I will for sure post tomorrow” and then tomorrow rolls around and I don’t post and I think “tomorrow” again and then all of a sudden it’s been 2 weeks and I’ve written nothing and I’m almost afraid to log back in to wordpress cause what if the people who follow me quit following me and now my blog is (metaphorically speaking) taking up space in the closet of rejected blogs that I imagine is on the wordpress server somewhere gathering dust? Depressing.

Looks like my talent for a loooong run on sentence has not been hampered by my non-writing for the past two weeks though…gee, aren’t we all glad about that? 😉 lol

I’d love to be able to tell you that something amazing, momentous, fabulous, exciting, heck, even mildly funny happened in the past little while but it has not…life has entered, not a rut buuuut a little cycle of monotony and dare I say…boredom? Which even saying that isn’t right cause I’m not really bored, just not doing anything super post worthy. I guess this is what happens when you are unemployed, can’t afford to do anything and trying to stay in as much as possible to (1) keep the cat company and (2) save money. sigh.

I haven’t been tracking, I’ve been a renegade Weight Watcher mwahaha (that’s my evil laugh, aren’t I so bad? 😉 ). I haven’t weighed in for over a month either. Oh, and while I’m being all confessional my work out routine is sooo not dependable, some weeks I go 3 times or more, other weeks I’m lucky if I go once.

Why have I stopped following all the guidelines and rules and plans? Especially when I know they work? I’m not totally sure…I mean, I kinda know but I’m sure there is more going on then I am aware of. I find it takes the passage of time and the ability to look back on a period of my life that gives me the best insight in to figuring out what the heck was going on with me at that point. Too bad I can’t fast-forward, find out, then rewind back to here and have the knowledge lol. Time travel anyone?

I’m not eating properly, I know this, and yet I don’t track so that I can hold myself accountable and stop what I am doing with my diet. You might be thinking I’m over eating so much I’m embarassed and am fast approaching the Good Year Blimp size but you’d be wrong, I’m actually under eating…not good! In my head I know it’s not good, but, also in my head I think it’s ok. My head is screwy. lol. I shouldn’t joke, for some people this is a serious problem, I’m hoping for me it’s a temporary thing…

I don’t under eat everyday, for instance, today I over ate, great huh? If I am meeting up with friends for a meal I am eating around my daily points that day because I am ordering healthy when I go out and compensating for the restaurant food by being super duper strict the rest of the day. The exception to that would be this evening when I went to a Thai restaurant for a friends birthday dinner. I wanted to get the black cod, it sounded super healthy and yummy but was over $20 for the dish, I so can’t afford that, instead I ended up with the Pad Thai for $12, I love Pad Thai so this was not a sad swap taste-bud wise but no way in hell is that dish healthy *rolls eyes* so today I definitely over ate. erg.

But see, I under ate quite a bit for the past, oh, three or four days (and I exercised) so in my head I feel that things should somehow balance out…and yes, I know that is not how it works!

On days I under eat I don’t feel like I am being deprived so I don’t really notice that I’m not eating properly or enough food unless someone points it out…although lately, when going to bed I feel hungry so I suppose the lack of food is starting to make my stomach mad lol. I also get some perverse feeling of strength when I am hungry at night, like “look at me and my rockin willpower that I didn’t cave and eat more food” and when I am eating I am eating smaller portions and that weird perverse feeling of strength kicks in then too, like “look how awesome I am I’m not eating more then this small portion, I’m so strong when it comes to food”.  And don’t even get me started on what goes on in my head when I am exercising! *rolls eyes*

I know part of why I am not eating as much is because I so desperately wanted to be at my goal weight when I went home for Christmas, but it’s not happening. 😦 I was back in AB last summer and people were all “you look so great!” an such, which was awesome to hear but when I look in the mirror I don’t see how much I have lost, I see how much I have left to lose. I see the flaws, the flab, the non toned body, the areas I am still ashamed of, I see all of the fat. I thought by now I’d be there, I thought I’d be maintaining and not still trying to lose, I thought I’d be able to go home and show off how I look and say “hey! look! I actually did it! I got to my goal weight!” instead I will be going back looking the same as when I was there in the summer. Same clothing size, heck same clothes, same points per day allowed for food, same comment about how I’m still working to get to my goal weight and am hoping to be there soon (all said in a falsly cheerful tone to every single person I hang with cause they all ask), same me.  Aren’t I supposed to be the super improved skinny version of me by now?

I know that not eating messes up my metabolism, I know it makes it harder to lose weight. I know that compensating for this by pushing myself extra hard in the gym is not the right approach. I also know that this is what I have been doing the past couple weeks. I started the under eating cause I was sick, once I got better I kept it up and added exercise to push my body into losing faster. It’s not working. I know it’s not working cause my clothes still all fit the same and I look the same and I know that I shouldn’t of expected some great change to happen in a measly two weeks but I’m so sick of looking like this, sick of this plateau, sick of people asking me how much farther till I reach my goal and my having the same answer as last time they asked. Sick of thinking just this many more fucken pounds and I will be happy. As if reaching a certain number on the scale guarantees personal happiness? I also know that is not right.

It would appear what I know and what I deep down believe are two very different things and I don’t know how to get them to reconcile in my head. As long as I was losing weight I was able to follow the Weight Watcher plan because it was working and I could see a difference so that change of number on the scale helped me to not revert back to bad weight loss habits. Even before the move, when I was still following Weight Watcher’s properly I had been plateaued for such a long time I was massively discouraged. That plateau, combined with other things, has gotten me to a point where subconsciously I seem to be saying “screw the healthy way, take the extreme way cause at least you know in the end that’ll work whereas Weight Watcher’s has failed you”. But Weight Watcher’s didn’t fail me, I failed the program by not being able to get past the plateau, regardless of who failed who I am still stuck at this current weight and going home in 8 days looking like this.

And wow, didn’t this post get dark fast? *rolls eyes*

Tags: fat, plateau, under eating, weight loss, weight watchers