Tag Archives: body image


12 Feb


We all have them, some people don’t remember them, others remember in vivid detail. Sometimes they tell great stories, help you sort through something you can’t face when awake, scare the crap out of you or are just plain weird.

I am a master of weird dreams, no seriously, I have always had vivid weird dreams. They usually turn in to nightmares at some point, you wouldn’t believe how many ways and times I have been killed in my dreams, sigh, those dreams I don’t like, duh. The other dreams though, usually those I like.

My dreams are always a story, shown in chronological order that I remember in vivid detail for a couple hours after I wake up. If I make a point of remembering a dream then I’ll remember it longer, if I don’t dwell on it then it fades by about hour three of my being awake and I don’t think of it again. I’ve never been able to continue a dream the next night which is annoying when I am woken mid dream and don’t get to finish a story lol I wonder if anybody else gets annoyed over that?

Last week I had a dream where mermaids are real and were portrayed much the same way vampires were in the Blade movies. So, limited numbers of humans know about them, they operate sneakily in our society, they are like a sub-culture that if you discover them odds are good you are gonna die. In the dream, the mermaids had learned of a way that they could walk around on land for limited amounts of time which meant they could basically mess with people and then escape back in to the ocean. Mermaids are also basically one big mafia group so in my dream two cops were chasing a group of 4 people through a store, wanting to arrest them when they realized they were being lured in to a bad situation and lo and behold the guys being chased turned on them, shot them all and then dived in to the conveniently placed ocean where they turned in to mermaids, reported to the head of their organization (which, fyi, was Ariel from the Disney movie lol) and well, it kept going from there but you get the idea. lol.

This, in my world, is a fairly normal dream, least I was on the planet the entire time in this dream…I’ve died while saving the starship Enterprise D from exploding…yes, I watch Star Trek, no I don’t look like I do. 😉

Why am I going on about dreams? Simple. I had one last night that was about my body and it freaked the hell out of me!

I was going to work out and hadn’t done so in a long time, for some reason I took a pair of capris I use in the summer to wear while working out. I was with a bunch of people, my mom, close friends, a random grouping that will most likely never happen in reality as they don’t all live in the same city. We were all changing to go run on a track (something else that would never happen lol) and when I put on the capris they were oh so tight that I could barely close them and when I looked in a mirror I was horrified by how I looked. Not only were they super tight I was way bigger then I am now, a completely different body shape then what I have ever been, I was super round, super large and round all through my torso. I am far less accepting of flaws in myself then I am in others and I started panicking about how I had let myself go. I put on a loose fitting shirt to try to hide how bad the fabric stretched across me and all I could think was “start running! start running! all you need to do is start working out and it’ll go away!” in my dream I knew with that certainty you can only have in a dream that all I needed was one good workout and it would all go away and the capris would fit properly again.

Oh if only it was that simple, *big epic sigh*

In reality, I am horrified by how I look right now, and sometimes I do feel that all I need is one really good session in the gym to alter how I feel about how I look but I know it will take more then that. I hate that it’ll take more then that since I am a needing instant results kind of girl lol. You’d think after my nice an slow, healthy weight loss I’d be used to not getting instant results when working on my body/health but…I’m not! lol 😛

I think this dream was my unconscious mind bringing to my attention just how unhappy I am with how I am looking right now. The dream exaggerated how large I am, and exaggerated how I feel about my looks and exaggerated how easy it would be to fix what my laziness and then not being allowed to exercise due to my car injuries has done to my body. I was at a point where I was proud of how defined my arms were, how perky my ass was getting, how my thighs were noticeably thinner, how my cardio numbers kept improving and my strength was increasing. Now? Now I am nowhere near proud. In fact, I am terrified about how long it will take to get back to where I was and then keep improving.

I so desperately want to go back to the gym, I finally got clearance from my physio (admittedly for a way limited exercise regime but whatev! it’d be exercise!) but I can’t afford even the cheapest of memberships because of having to pay for twice weekly physio sessions. It’s driving me insane! I do what I can at home but it’s not the same as having access to a treadmill and free weights and a freakin bosu ball, how insane is it that I want a bosu ball so so so much?! lol I keep thinking once my physio is over and I have money again I should look in to investing in to some work out equipment so I’m not so reliant on access to a gym to get to use decent equipment buuuuut once I have money again I have other things it has to go towards and oddly enough, bosu balls are kinda pricey. *rolls eyes*

Ah well, I know I shouldn’t bitch and complain about it, there are lots of people out there who have things a lot worse but some days I just get so frustrated with how stuck I seem to be. 😛 But hey, I won’t be stuck forever right? 🙂

Double Tap

24 Sep

teehee, double tap has absolutely nothing to do with my post I just really wanted to type it. It’s from the movie Zombieland which I just finished watching and enjoyed. It was funny; not crazy funny, not laugh out loud funny, but funny.Ya know?

I am about to re-watch  The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, seen that? I saw it in theatre and was floored by how amazingly great it was. I don’t understand why LA feels the need to remake the movie in english, what? Is all of north america so fricken lazy that they can’t read sub-titles?? This has become a pet peeve of mine, recently, as recent as oh, say, this past summer when I saw the movie in theatre. lol. I never really thought about it before but man, this movie rocks and should be allowed to stand on its own but for some reason they are gonna re-make it and since no other country has as much money to put in to a movie as the states it’s gonna get over shadowed, it’s just wrong. Luckily they have already finished filming the third in the trilogy so hopefully I will get to see the third in theatre before it gets shelfed in north america for the english speaking version.

And boy, that’s a lot of rambling about something that has nothing to do with my weight loss path…or does it? teehee. It is connected in that I love movies, could spend my entire day immersed in them and this I am sure has affected how I see the world, how I see people…how I see myself. I have crappy self esteem and a completely negative personal body image. I hate seeing myself in a mirror, in pictures…anywhere. I prefer going through my day not seeing what I look like – then I can imagine I look the way I feel I should look, the way my inner self looks. I think we all have inner selves but maybe you don’t, maybe it’s just me and I am a little bit weirder then I realized. lol. Don’t you have an image you think you project to the world in your head and every now and then you see yourself in a mirror and realize you are way off base? That the self-confident able to handle anything look you think you have actually looks like an overweight frumpy boring person?

Now, deep deep down I know I don’t look like a self-confident able to handle anything person, but I like to think I do and when I can’t see what I look like I can imagine I do…make sense? It’s all about tricking myself and I gotta say, I have gotten fairly good at it over the years. 😛 I am not one of those people who blames my body image issues on media, I don’t think it is the fault of movies or tv or magazines or books…sure most of the women I see and read are thin and beautiful in their own way but hey, I am working on the thin part and then, well, I won’t be beautiful but I will be quirky looking, thin and quirky…that’s a perfectly acceptable look, especially in the entertainment industry which I am hoping to break in to soon. Ya gotta work with what ya got, and ya gotta be honest about it…which means I have to be honest with  myself with what I will be cast as and a 5’8″ red haired blue eyed lady isn’t easy to cast, durn my red hair. sigh. I s’pose I could say “why wasn’t I born blonde?” but if I had my choice of any hair colour it’d be jet black and that’d be just as hard to cast as the red so ah well, I shall work with what I have. 😀 hmmm, all that sounds like a whiny babble and I s’pose it is but it doesn’t bother me all that much, not really. Sometimes I think about it, usually when it’s the day before weigh in day and I am inwardly freaking out about having to step on that stupid scale, but most days I can push it aside. 🙂 

I should stop looking at myself in the mirror in the bathroom, lol, sounds stupid I know but twice a day everyday I do a body scan, I turn, look at myself at different angles, try to see where the fat is coming off, and when I look in the evening I am poofier then in the mornings cause it’s end of day and this means I get all “it’s not working, I swear I am just as big as when I started…” blah blah blah. Seriously mirrors are bad bad things…maybe if the world got rid of mirrors none of us would have body image issues cause we would never really know what we look like…or maybe I should just not look in one right before I post cause man this did turn in to a ramble…oops…

Here’s what I ate today:

29 grams Honey Nut Cheerios = 2 points

1/2 cup skim milk = 1 point

1 banana = 2 points

mixed raw veggies = 0 points

2 triangles light laughing cow cheese = 1 point

1 Lean Cuisine Honey Mustard Chicken = 5 points

1 english muffin = 3 points

1 battered frozen fish fillet = 4 points

1/2 cup mashed yam = 1.5 points

cooked mixed veg = 0 points

3 tbls Veggie Caviar = 1 point

20 Breton Minis = 2 points

This is a total of 22.5 points which would be perfect except that I am really hungry…hmm, don’t know what happened there. I should be fine, I ate spaced out meals like I am s’posed to but here it is 10:30pm and I feel like I could eat a meal…sigh. I know I have flex points and I am gonna hafta use some I just can’t figure out what to eat…I still have it set in my head to never ever use them so trying to figure out what to use them on is hard…what is really worth my flex points? The bigger question is how many of them do I want to use? Seriously, feel like I could eat a meal here but I don’t want to use that many this late in the day…must find a snack! Off to the kitchen I go…I’ll type ya after weigh in tomorrow…man, I shouldn’t think of that, now I want chocolate. lol. 😛


so for my snack I had 1/2 cup cottage cheese and an apple, that put me at 25.5 points for the day which is not so bad considering. 🙂

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