Double Tap

teehee, double tap has absolutely nothing to do with my post I just really wanted to type it. It’s from the movie Zombieland which I just finished watching and enjoyed. It was funny; not crazy funny, not laugh out loud funny, but funny.Ya know?

I am about to re-watch  The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, seen that? I saw it in theatre and was floored by how amazingly great it was. I don’t understand why LA feels the need to remake the movie in english, what? Is all of north america so fricken lazy that they can’t read sub-titles?? This has become a pet peeve of mine, recently, as recent as oh, say, this past summer when I saw the movie in theatre. lol. I never really thought about it before but man, this movie rocks and should be allowed to stand on its own but for some reason they are gonna re-make it and since no other country has as much money to put in to a movie as the states it’s gonna get over shadowed, it’s just wrong. Luckily they have already finished filming the third in the trilogy so hopefully I will get to see the third in theatre before it gets shelfed in north america for the english speaking version.

And boy, that’s a lot of rambling about something that has nothing to do with my weight loss path…or does it? teehee. It is connected in that I love movies, could spend my entire day immersed in them and this I am sure has affected how I see the world, how I see people…how I see myself. I have crappy self esteem and a completely negative personal body image. I hate seeing myself in a mirror, in pictures…anywhere. I prefer going through my day not seeing what I look like – then I can imagine I look the way I feel I should look, the way my inner self looks. I think we all have inner selves but maybe you don’t, maybe it’s just me and I am a little bit weirder then I realized. lol. Don’t you have an image you think you project to the world in your head and every now and then you see yourself in a mirror and realize you are way off base? That the self-confident able to handle anything look you think you have actually looks like an overweight frumpy boring person?

Now, deep deep down I know I don’t look like a self-confident able to handle anything person, but I like to think I do and when I can’t see what I look like I can imagine I do…make sense? It’s all about tricking myself and I gotta say, I have gotten fairly good at it over the years. 😛 I am not one of those people who blames my body image issues on media, I don’t think it is the fault of movies or tv or magazines or books…sure most of the women I see and read are thin and beautiful in their own way but hey, I am working on the thin part and then, well, I won’t be beautiful but I will be quirky looking, thin and quirky…that’s a perfectly acceptable look, especially in the entertainment industry which I am hoping to break in to soon. Ya gotta work with what ya got, and ya gotta be honest about it…which means I have to be honest with  myself with what I will be cast as and a 5’8″ red haired blue eyed lady isn’t easy to cast, durn my red hair. sigh. I s’pose I could say “why wasn’t I born blonde?” but if I had my choice of any hair colour it’d be jet black and that’d be just as hard to cast as the red so ah well, I shall work with what I have. 😀 hmmm, all that sounds like a whiny babble and I s’pose it is but it doesn’t bother me all that much, not really. Sometimes I think about it, usually when it’s the day before weigh in day and I am inwardly freaking out about having to step on that stupid scale, but most days I can push it aside. 🙂 

I should stop looking at myself in the mirror in the bathroom, lol, sounds stupid I know but twice a day everyday I do a body scan, I turn, look at myself at different angles, try to see where the fat is coming off, and when I look in the evening I am poofier then in the mornings cause it’s end of day and this means I get all “it’s not working, I swear I am just as big as when I started…” blah blah blah. Seriously mirrors are bad bad things…maybe if the world got rid of mirrors none of us would have body image issues cause we would never really know what we look like…or maybe I should just not look in one right before I post cause man this did turn in to a ramble…oops…

Here’s what I ate today:

29 grams Honey Nut Cheerios = 2 points

1/2 cup skim milk = 1 point

1 banana = 2 points

mixed raw veggies = 0 points

2 triangles light laughing cow cheese = 1 point

1 Lean Cuisine Honey Mustard Chicken = 5 points

1 english muffin = 3 points

1 battered frozen fish fillet = 4 points

1/2 cup mashed yam = 1.5 points

cooked mixed veg = 0 points

3 tbls Veggie Caviar = 1 point

20 Breton Minis = 2 points

This is a total of 22.5 points which would be perfect except that I am really hungry…hmm, don’t know what happened there. I should be fine, I ate spaced out meals like I am s’posed to but here it is 10:30pm and I feel like I could eat a meal…sigh. I know I have flex points and I am gonna hafta use some I just can’t figure out what to eat…I still have it set in my head to never ever use them so trying to figure out what to use them on is hard…what is really worth my flex points? The bigger question is how many of them do I want to use? Seriously, feel like I could eat a meal here but I don’t want to use that many this late in the day…must find a snack! Off to the kitchen I go…I’ll type ya after weigh in tomorrow…man, I shouldn’t think of that, now I want chocolate. lol. 😛

EDIT:

so for my snack I had 1/2 cup cottage cheese and an apple, that put me at 25.5 points for the day which is not so bad considering. 🙂

Tags: body image, double tap, fat, flex points, girl with the dragon tattoo, overweight, points, sub-titles, weight loss, weight watchers