I am not hungry…hear that stomach? I’m not hungry! You don’t need anything else in you cause you’re full…so why oh why do I want to keep eating? All this week I just want more food…I want the food I take with me to work, I want the food that is provided free at work, I want the snacks and nibblies that are in the meetings, I just want foooood! I keep finding myself reaching for things that not only do I not need they are the absolute wrong food choices to make.
I am home, have eaten dinner and am full but I keep wanting to go in to the kitchen and get something to snack on…I have no points left and don’t need food but need seems to have nothing to do with my eating desires this week…this week it is all about what I want and that boys n girls is just not good!
So far I have managed to not cave too much, I had a bit of cheese at a meeting yesterday but I did count it in my daily food diary – mind you it wasn’t measured out cheese and most likely wasn’t light cheese so the points were a guesstimate but I let myself get away with that cause the other food items on the platters that I wanted were the cinnamon buns…or one of the sandwiches…well, ok, there were a lot of amazingly good looking foods and I kinda wanted some of everything so I consider it a close call I got out of there after only eating cheese. lol. But see? This is what I am talking about! I got cocky about being able to resist bad for me foods and now I am having trouble resisting them, sigh.
Before Christmas I was all “whatev, I can resist all the yummy treats, it’s not a big deal” people kept commenting on my willpower and I couldn’t figure out what the big deal was cause it wasn’t hard to resist the food…then Christmas hit and I ate lots but before that could mess me up I got way sick and stopped eating (well, not completely cause then I’d be dead but I ate maybe once a day) so I lost weight from that and also, when I did eat I let myself eat whatever I wanted cause I was barely eating and needed higher calorie foods. Now, I am healthier, eating my points on a daily basis but haven’t gotten over the mindset of eating whatever I want which means I keep reaching for more food then what I need and higher pointed foods. Argh!
I have to reassess my goals I think…I keep thinking of the big final goal and that makes it too hard to focus on the day to day eating. I usually try to aim for the next 10lbs max, then, when I reach that 10lb goal I get a little treat and yah, it’s another 10lbs to add to the total weight loss number but I dunno, all I think about now is the final number I want to reach and how far away I am from it. That number is so far away that I figure I might as well eat the cheese at the meeting cause I’m so far away from my goal it won’t make a huge difference…I know that is stupid and wrong thinking but hey, it’s where I’m at right now.
This behaviour and outlook are being influenced by my upcoming headshots for sure; don’t get me wrong, I’m looking forward to the photoshoot but I am stressing about how I am gonna look, if I’m gonna see the pics and only think “holy fuck, I’m still so fat!” I like how I look in real life and on film but I have a tendancy to look like an idiot in pictures, sigh, and I guess that’s all I keep thinking about, how fat I am gonna look and how stupid I look in pictures. *rolls eyes* In true me fashion I am sub-consciously self-sabatoging my weight loss efforts so that if my pictures look lame or I can’t get an agent with them I can blame my being fat and no one being willing to give me a chance cause of my fatness. Pathetic, sigh.
I am trying to remind myself about the photo shoot everytime I start to reach for something I shouldn’t be eating – my new short term goal is to survive until the photo shoot, just make it that far and then I can have a treat of some kind…like a cinnamon bun lol.
So my lesson today, and really for the week, is remember the little goals, the reachable ones and when you start reaching for the bad food search deep down in your psyche to find out why you can’t seem to resist the food…only once you learn what is making you eat will you be better able to defend yourself against all those food urges…now excuse me while I go and read a baking cook book and dream 😉
The Amazing Shrinking Woman 
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