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The Spider Conspiracy

31 Aug

I hate bugs, insects, aracnids…anything little, creepy, with lots of legs that could get in to my mouth/ears/nose while I am sleeping…I hate them all. They all know this and go out of their way to try to make me go insane, it’s a conspiracy!

I swear they all talk to each other (much like animals in cartoon movies do) and they create strategies for how to cause mayhem in my life.

I handle this brutally harsh treatment by Waging War – oh yeah, they are goin down! bwahahahaha (er, that’s my evil laugh 😉 )

Now, I’m not going out of my way to kill these evil-doers, I don’t kill them if I am outside as I consider that their home and it would be rude to go to their home and kill them. But! When they come in to my residence, well, that is an act of agression that can only end one way – in their death.

When the ants tried to take over the bathroom a couple years ago I made it my mission to get rid of every last one of them, I bought Raid Ant traps (which seemed to hold no appeal to them at all! waste of money, erg), I sprayed Windex (which lots of people claim will kill any insect/bug type creature – uh, it doesn’t!) and then I fought dirty, hehehe, I waited them out, and everytime a new one popped up from wherever the hell they were entering from it was immediately squished. I thought about propping their mangled squashed bodies on the ends of tooth picks and leaving them out as a warning to the other ants but figured with my luck it’d just attract more of the little buggers and the dead staked ants would be turned in to martyrs for the insects cause.

Eventually I conquered the ants in the bathroom but sadly, it was a case of winning the battle, not the war.  😦

The next wave of attackers were spiders and they have yet to stop! Of all the various insects/bugs out there the worst of the worst are the aracnids. I experience a level of terror when I see them unlike anything else…luckily my fight or flight instincts lean to Fight so instead of screaming like a pansy I, well, ok, I screech a bit, then I swear, then I jump in to action and do my damndest to kill the thing…unless I am at my parents, then I scream and point and my mom being the brave awesome woman that she is swears (at me, not the spider lol) then kills it while muttering about the ridiculousness of the situation. lol.

Last night they crossed a line and they continued to cross the line tonight so now it’s time for me to go on the offensive. No longer can I be fighting in a defensive manner, No, this war has obviously gone to the next level! I feel it is obvious to see that the spiders have chatted amongst themselves and called to their front lines the bravest of their brave, those willing to sacrifice for the cause, those willing to push the barriers and go where no spider has yet gone (at least in this apartment) and boy did they get some daredevils when they called to arms.

Last night, while I was in the bathroom washing up for bed I noticed something odd in the mirror’s reflection, took me a minute to realize what I was seeing and when my brain was finally able to understand what the site was well, let’s just say it’s a good thing I can’t get in trouble for swearing anymore lol. The fan in the ceiling, guess who was doing a daredevil dangling routine from it? Making it’s way sloooowly down down down getting closer an closer to the level of my head? Yeah, that’s right! A nasty freakin huge spider! Ack!!! That is just soooooooo wrong!

Then tonight I was in the kitchen making my dinner and from somewhere, I think maybe from under the microwave (but if that is right, wtf was it doing there? and how’d it get there??) a spider appeared. On. The. Counter! That is just…not allowed!  I call foul! It’s bad enough when they are on the ceiling crawling along, or on the walls, or doing a kamikaze run across the living room floor but ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER?!?!?!?!? NoooOOOooo! How can I be expected to deal with that??

Now, before you start judging me, my kitchen is not dirty. It may not be Martha Stewart clean but it is normal-person-clean. I don’t leave crumbs on the counter, I tidy up after myself, I don’t leave dirty dishes laying around – I don’t know what the hell was on the counter that was appealing to that spider (probably nothing, I think his mission was to inflict a heart-stopping moment on me, the innocent human, in the hopes of weakening me for further attacks by his brethren) but damn straight I am taking note of this shift in the battle lines and responding in kind.

From here on out I will not be The Human Who Kills When She Sees Us But Is Easily Mocked Cause She Doesn’t Know How Much We Hang In Her Place Without Her Knowing It – the name I am positive the spiders and other insects have for me. No! I will hence forth be known to all in the creepy crawly world as The Evil Beotch Who Has Sprayed Her Entire Apartment With Various Insecticides And Has Created A Toxic Environment For Us. Let’s see whose laughing now! Course, with my luck it’ll still be the spiders laughing cause I’ll die from toxic fumes and they’ll take over the place when my corpse is removed…evil bastards. There’s no winning!

p.s. case you were wondering, I used the glass I was holding to attempt to squish the spider on the counter but turns out it dips up a bit at the bottom so all I did was trap the spider under the glass instead of squish it – when I lifted the glass all quick-as-a-bunny so I could squish it with wadded paper towel the evil thing clung to the bottom of the glass so I couldn’t kill it, I had to put the glass back down before it realized it had an escape route – is their no end to their fiendish ways??? I did eventually manage to kill it but it was dicey and has left me in a creeped out state – part of the Spider Army’s plan no doubt

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2 Responses to “The Spider Conspiracy”

  1. Journey 2 perfect body September 1, 2011 at 3:13 am #

    I bet you’d get a shock if you ever visited my home 😀 Me and spiders live peacefully and share almost everything 😀 (almost, because we don’t share a pet, my dog is a killer, just like you :D) If I find one that seems too big to live with me any longer, I take it carefully (with my bare hands) and bring it out outside, like “you’re grown up now and you’re supposed to find your own home”, ha-ha

    • shrinkingwmn September 3, 2011 at 11:07 pm #

      omg, you touch them? willingly? with your bare skin???? just the idea of that gives me the heeby jeevies and totally creeps me out, ewwwwwww! a friend of mine does that, I can’t even watch while she does that, *shudder*. I’m having a minor panic attack just thinking about it, ugh. I like your “you’re grown up go find your own home” thing, it’s funny lol, it would never happen here, but it’s amusing all the same. You are far braver then I! 🙂 I always think that if you just release them outside they will for sure come back and tell all their friends there is a safe haven where you won’t be killed if you hang out there, can’t be havin that! *glares suspiciously around the room looking for signs of infestation*

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