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Addicted…to food??

24 Aug

So I think I am addicted to food…is that even possible? I think it is possible…and I think I have done it. lol. I laugh but it isn’t really funny…

There are people that are much worse off then I am, I know this cause I see them when I am out and about…like this guy I saw on the skytrain today, in all seriousness he took up the space of three people, eesh. So he obviously has a worse problem then I do…although for all I know he has a thyroid problem or some such thing, shrug.  Maybe he eats way healthy and is in much better shape then me, can’t really tell from looking…we all pretend we can and judge people based only on what they look like but really…what do we know?

Back to my topic, I think I managed to get addicted to food, and it’s not like I can quit it all together now can I? The reason I think this is because of cake, yup that’s right, cake.  I had some bites of the cake on saturday at the bbq – the vegan ice cream cake (teehee, just writing that makes me laugh, 🙂 ) and ever since then all I want is cake. I have been thinking about it not constantly but a lot!  To make it worse there is left over bday cake in the fridge at work that I see everytime I open the fridge for milk for my tea…it’s on the bottom shelf and the mik is on the top so everytime I open that door I repeat over and over to myself  “don’t look down! don’t look down! don’t look down!” and then of course I look down, sigh, and I see the cake. Argh!

It seems having those 4 or 5 bites of cake on saturday opened the flood gates of my longing for baked goods. I didn’t even eat all that much baked goods before starting Weight Watchers, I bake the stuff but then I always give it away. shrug. Now however, all I want is baked food. Cookies! Cakes! Donuts! Hell, I’d walk over a dead body to get to a fresh white dinner bun! lol.

Even though I had rough spots before saturday, days where I went over on my points or was really tempted by a certain food item I generally got through the rough patch. I was kinda proud of my willpower – I know, it seems silly to be proud of making a healthy food choice but hey, I will take my pride where I can get it. 😛 By the next day the craving for the bad food was gone and it wasn’t a big deal anymore…this cake thing though is on day 3 and doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. I REFUSE to eat cake!!!!! My refusal however does nothing to stop the wanting of the cake…this is why I think I am addicted…

It’s one thing to think “oh, yeah, I’d like some cake” but not eat any and not think about it after a half hour or so but to keep thinking about it for days? To still be wanting it? To be trying to figure out what to eat for dinner and all you come up with is getting a donut or slice of cake from the store? I almost cheated today and for what? Some old bday cake that’s been sitting in a fridge? A random timbit (they were on the counter at work) when I am not actually hungry? That was something I noticed, even though I wasn’t hungry I was wanting these baked foods. Right after lunch, I had soup and salad, I could have easily scarfed down a slice of chocolate cake…did I need it? No. Was I hungry? No. Was it really really hard to not grab the plate from Linda and inhale her cake? Oh yeah it was!

Up to now it wasn’t all that hard to not eat the cakes, cookies, timbits, pizza slices and all the other treats that were around me. I have been happy with the foods I am eating, liking the tastes of the foods, enjoying the new things I have been eating – that made it easier to say no. I mean sure, did I want to eat pizza at work? Of course I did. But I’d rather lose weight then eat a slice of pizza so there we go, choice made. But now that I have had a taste of the forbidden foods it’s all I want. I think I would have been fine if I hadn’t taken those bites of cake…I wouldn’t have remembered what I was missing ya know? But now my system is all fired up because it remembers the taste of refined sugar, chocolate, icing, it remembers the texture of cake with ice cream in the middle and sprinkles on top…it remembers all that and more, and it wants a taste of the more!

I know me, if I cave, if I say “who cares, eat a slice of cake, get the craving over with” I won’t stop there. That is the difference between me and someone who hasn’t realized they have an over eating problem. I have realized that I have a problem and am trying to fix it, if you’d asked me before this journey started I would have said I didn’t have a problem, I know where to draw the line, I can stop binge eating anytime I want to…but in reality, I couldn’t. Food is my heroin, my alcohol, my “fill in your addiction here”. But while I can quit smoking, or drinking or shooting up or whatver I can’t stop eating and everytime I eat I want what I am not supposed to be eating. It’s stupid hard. And this week more then any other time since I started Weight Watchers I want to quit. I just want to jump off the wagon, screw waiting to fall, and dive in to a meal with all the foods I have been denying myself.

This, more then anything, is what I have to fix. It’s one thing to fix your meal plan, another to fix your brain. I need to find a way to stop associating good feelings with bad food…maybe I can learn how to associate all the good sensations/feelings/thoughts I paired with the high calorie food to healthier foods…like fruit…it’s a thought…

And now that I have finished rambling (sorry about that) here is what I ate today:

2 weetabix = 2 points

1/2 cup 1% milk = 1 points

1 cup blueberries = 1 point

1 cup strawberries = 1 point

1 cup Tuscan Bean soup with Sweet Basil = 2 points

1/2 Fresh Express Fajita salad = 4 points

1 light babybell = 1 point

1 banana = 2 points

1 light hot dog weiner = 1 points

1/2 cup mashed yams = 1.5 points

grilled veggies = 0 points

1 cheese slice = 1 point

1 piece bread = 1 point

1 tbsp Nutella = 2 points

1 cup grapes = 1 point

Grand total is = 21.5. Only 0.5 under my daily points total, I’d say that is pretty good. 🙂 I have nothing for a half a point so I am not gonna get right on number today but I can try again tomorrow. 🙂

Trying over and over and over is the only way I think I am going to get past this wanting of unhealthy foods. I think there will always be a part of me that wants the high calorie foods, that wants to just come home and eat some huge bowl of Sidekicks pasta, or go to McD’s and get a full meal and dessert. Seems my lesson this week is a nasty one, no matter how much I work to change my eating plan there will always be a part of me tempted to go back to how I used to be. A little voice in my head telling me it wasn’t as bad as I remember, that I don’t really care if I am fat as long as I get to eat what I want since food is what makes me happy. But that’s not right. Food is fuel not a source of happiness. Food shouldn’t be something I rely on to make me feel better after I have a crappy day at work, it’s not there to make me more complete…it is there to give me energy so I can live a healthy life.

Food is fuel…I should get that tattooed on me somewhere so I never forget.

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