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I Just Don’t Care

19 Nov

I can’t bring myself to care, about anything, it just seems too exhausting. It is like every emotion I have has been muted, or covered by a blanket, stifled in some way. I know they are there, just under the surface, wanting out, I just can’t be bothered to make an effort to try to feel them anymore.

I’m doing a pretty decent job of faking it, sorta. At work when I’m at the desk interacting with residents or guests or most of the other staff I’m able to put on a fake smile, make my voice sound cheery and do my thing. There is one staff member that for some reason I don’t feel the need to put the mask on for, it is much easier being around her, less effort needed ya know?

That’s why I haven’t been writing, just the thought of opening my laptop was too much, let alone logging on to wordpress and writing something. The only reason I managed it tonight was because I was going to watch a movie and when I logged onto the computer wordpress popped on to my screen, musta been the last place I was when I closed the laptop last time. I wasn’t going to log on, wasn’t  going to write, was just going to ignore wordpress but then I decided to read other people’s blogs and it made me realize I should probably write in mine…don’t know why, not like this is a happy, cheerful, entertaining post…generally my posts are upbeat and mildly entertaining (at least I hope they are).

I managed to follow my eating plan for the most part since the fiasco that was Friday. Saturday and Sunday were perfect. Followed my eating plan, tracked everything in my Lose It! app, I may be going through a tough time but at least I didn’t add guilt to my shoulders over messing up my eating plan. Monday however I screwed up, but since I’m still in a cloud of not caring, I can’t bring myself to feel badly about it. I’m sure I’ll feel like that eventually, but for now, no guilt over choosing bad for me food. shrug. I ate according to plan while at work but when I got home I just couldn’t get the energy to make dinner. At first I wasn’t really hungry so I figured wait a bit, when I’m hungry then I’ll want to eat and I’ll go make something but nope. By the time I was hungry I was in no mood to go messing around in the kitchen so I did what I absolutely should not have, I ordered pizza…and dessert bread sticks. Damn you Panago for having such tasty food! Mostly I wanted the dessert breadsticks, I am a carb junkie, when things go bad that’s what I aim for, not good I know but I figure it’s better then gambling or drinking, right?

dessert breadsticks from Panago, just dip em in frosting and enjoy!

dessert breadsticks from Panago, just dip em in frosting and enjoy!

I ate the breadsticks and a bit of the pizza, it was super tasty. Mmm! The low level headache I’d been having for days went away and for a little while I actually felt like I had energy. I didn’t do anything with that energy mind you, just chilled watching tv and cuddling with the cat but at least I felt a bit energetic. That quickly faded and I ended up napping on the living room chair by accident, oops. I’m putting that down to a long day at work on very little sleep.

Today (Tuesday) I met up with a friend around 5pm-ish. I slept most of the day, having gone to bed around 3am, so I had a protein shake before meeting her and then we went shopping, had dinner and watched a movie. For dinner we had sushi, I know if you order carefully sushi can be a healthy meal, but I order like a born and raised North American which means not healthy. We split some spicy agedashi tofu, then I had an avocado roll and a philly roll. The philly roll is my favourite, smoked salmon and cream cheese…so not on my eating plan! Then, just to make things worse, I had a small frozen yogurt at the theatre. *groans*

Even while sitting here typing out what I ate and knowing I should feel badly about messing up my eating plan I just…don’t. I’m not even trying to justify the food choices, shrug. I made them. I ate the food. Whatever, it’s done and there’s nothing I can do about it now. I am however trying to figure out what to do with the left over pizza in my fridge…can I freeze that so the next time I crave pizza I can just thaw out one slice? I’ll hafta google that…

So eating hasn’t gotten me out of this funk, neither has shopping. Weird huh? I bought some Christmas presents today, and some stuff for myself yesterday and the day before and while I am glad I made the purchases the usual giddy happiness I would feel over some of the stuff I bought isn’t there. I’m just all meh about it.

Tomorrow I will go to Zumba class no matter what, maybe that’ll help shake me outta this? Gotta try something since my usual ways of cheering myself up have failed.

The only positive thing I am getting from all this is since eating the pizza, and the breadsticks, and the sushi and the frozen yogurt didn’t make me feel better I might as well make the effort to eat according to my meal plan. Since the high calorie, carb laden food is doing nothing for me emotion wise or body fat % wise I might as well ignore it and eat only what I am supposed to. Least when this is all over and I am back to my normal self I won’t be looking in to the mirror at someone who let themselves go and gained a bunch of weight instead of reaching her goal of dropping a size by Dec 22. Cause even if right now I don’t care about that, I’m sure I will care about it again soon and I don’t want to be kicking myself for making my goal even harder to reach all cause I couldn’t keep it together.

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