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There Is Still Beauty

23 Nov

Some days life sucks. Or, maybe not life exactly, but the things that happen in your little section of the world that directly affect you, those can suck. Some days things happen that are hard, harder than what you think you can deal with, or harder than what you want to deal with.

Like the universe cares how much you want to deal with at any given moment? *rolls eyes*

Some days the hardness of this world can wear you down, make you want to shut your eyes and pretend it all away.

Thing is, no matter how hard things get, no matter how much they suck, no matter how down you are, if you can manage to look hard enough, you’ll find something of beauty. Something you can watch, and absorb, and use the presence of to soften the edges that are the hard parts of life.

I wasn’t looking. I was too busy trying to get through my days. Managing to perform what was required so I didn’t send my life in to a tailspin, but no extra.

Then I looked up and saw this…

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My Christmas cactus.

It was given to me years ago as a Christmas present, I didn’t expect it to survive it’s first week with me. Plants and I don’t get along all that well. I have the best of intentions but they figure out early on they have been put in the care of someone who doesn’t know what they are doing and they opt for a quick, hopefully pain free, death. Rather than a prolonged, torturous, death at my caring but inept hands.

This little guy though, defied all the odds. I went away for a week and a half the day after I got him, when I returned he was blooming and seemed perfectly happy on his windowsill.

The cat wasn’t so impressed at having to share the windowsill with a plant but that is a whole other story.

So this cactus, if I am really on the ball I remember to water it twice a month. He grew out of his original pot but I kept him in it much longer than I should have because I didn’t know how to repot him and was convinced if I tried I’d screw it up. Luckily my mom helped with that.

He obviously doesn’t worry about what his home looks like because that clear plastic container that I use to hold the water I give him and to keep the windowsill clean is a Betty Crocker tupperware container that I got from the dollar store. We’re super classy over here. 😉

When things are going hard watering the plant is way down on my list of stuff to remember.

Despite not tending to him as I should have been that little cactus thrives, and blooms, and makes that windowsill a place I can look at and see beauty. I can see that life is still happening, those around me are ever evolving, and that not all things suck, even if that is how it feels.

Apparently my little cactus is able to give me life lessons just by being itself.

Yeah, things are gonna suck sometimes, but if you can manage to look around, and keep looking, you’ll eventually find something of beauty, something that can momentarily soothe you, and help you remember that things can get better, they probably will get better, and if you keep holding on, you’ll be alright.

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No More Back Up Plan

11 Apr

You may recall a short while ago I blogged about thinking about going back to University, specifically, going to Law School. I was torn between being a grown up, sucking it up, and just going already and following my dreams and staying with the acting. I had almost convinced myself that I would start studying for the LSATs and take the necessary steps to apply.  I would be a good lawyer, shrug, and I’m sure I would find it entertaining and challenging but it’s not acting. Nothing will ever be as good an option as acting. However, acting doesn’t pay very well unless you make it to the top and I’m sick and tired of being poor.

Turns out I don’t get to make the decision about going back to school, the government has chosen for me.

For those not in Canada let me explain how student loans work here. You apply, hopefully you get money, you go to school. Once you have been done school for a certain amount of time (6 months or a year, I can’t remember which) you are supposed to start paying back your student loans. However, if you are poor, which most recent graduates are, and not making a lot of money you can apply for Repayment Assistance. You send in a form, the people that manage the paying back of government student loans look at the form and decide if you are so poor you don’t have to make monthly payments.

I have always been that poor. 😦

When you qualify for Repayment Assistance the government pays the interest on your loan and you don’t have to make any payments, or you might have to make payments but small ones that are calculated based on what you earn.

Like I said, since graduation I have always been poor enough that I haven’t had to make monthly payments.

Well, the student loan people in all their “wisdom” have decided that I can now somehow magically afford to make monthly payments on my student loan. Uh, what?? I go a good 3 out of 4 weeks every month unable to buy groceries and only survive food wise because I work somewhere that has a kitchen and the chefs will feed me. I literally live paycheque to paycheque and now I have to find an extra $90 a month to give the student loan people??

student loans

Who does the math over there?? Do they not realize I live in a ridiculously expensive city? That I live on my own and therefore have to rely on my paycheque to pay for everything, no spouse/partner to help me out? That I have car payments? That I have other bills that I struggle to pay? Do they not realize that a person, no matter how little money they make, still needs to have enough left over every month so they can buy something fun otherwise they will go a little nuts?

The thing is, they know everything about me due to the nature of the organization. They have all kinds of info about me because of lending me money for school. They know what I earn, what my expenses are, where I live, the cost of living here, that I am human and sometimes need to buy something fun, they just don’t care.

They were more than willing to loan me money when I was younger, and stupider, and didn’t really grasp how hard life would be when I was done school, living on my own and trying to make ends meet and now that I am older, hopefully a bit wiser, and in the stage of life where I should be paying them back but can’t afford to, they don’t care.

They want their cut, just like everyone else and screw my need for groceries, rent, or anything else my money strains to pay for now.

As if that wasn’t mean enough the letter I got from them today telling me how much my monthly payments are also says:

“you are now restricted from future student financial assistance benefits, in the form of new student loans and grants should you decide to return to school in the future”

Huh.

So, even if I was the most gung-ho person ever with regards to going back to school it wouldn’t matter, cause I can’t afford it, they won’t give me money for it, and even if I somehow found a way to earn extra money I wouldn’t be allowed to save it up because they would increase how much I have to pay them every month.

While I can see the logic of not continuously loaning money out to people who can’t pay it back I can’t help but feel the system is flawed. I went to University, did well, decided to pursue an acting career, haven’t made money at it (yet!) and am now thinking about going to Law School. I’m pretty sure the argument can be made that lawyers will always be needed and it is a slightly more secure career path than acting, so you’d think they’d be ok with helping someone go to school so they can then earn a higher income which would enable them to not only be a more financially contributing member of society but also pay back their student loans.

But since the world isn’t run using my logic I must follow the rules they have set out, flawed as they are, which means no possibility of law school for me.

Good bye back up plan *waves somberly at UBC Law Department* guess I won’t be seeing you soon.

student loan meme

Sidenote: I am well aware not being able to pay back a student loan is a “first world problem” and I don’t mean to come off as a whiny, spoiled brat, I’m just frustrated with the student loan system. you can’t get a well paying job without a University education, you can’t get a University education without student loans, tuition keeps getting hiked up which means loan amounts keep getting hiked up but once you graduate the promised well paying jobs are not there and so you are shackled with a huge amount of debt, with a high interest rate, and a low paying job. All because you followed the rules that said going to University was the way to succeed. *rolls eyes*

No Gender On The Boat

18 Mar
who'd of thought I'd write one of these??

who’d of thought I’d write one of these??

I don’t usually think about gender inequality. Maybe I should, maybe if women don’t keep an eye out and fight against gender inequality it will slowly sneak back in to our lives and bam! we get blindsided by it and don’t know how to respond. Maybe we, my generation I mean, has gotten lazy because we just assume gender inequality is no longer an issue, well, at least in our first world country existence.

I make jokes about gender inequality, about how some things are “boy jobs” (like killing spiders and taking out the garbage), I never really mean it, obviously anything a guy can do a woman can do and vice versa. It’s not a matter of a person’s gender that decides what they can do, it is what they have been taught, or what they are interested in, or what they have been exposed to. If I was exposed to car repair type things growing up I’d probably have a better idea of how to change the oil in my suv, or change the tire, or I dunno, do suv engine type things. I could still learn how my suv engine works now, I just have no real interest in learning that, shrug. I don’t doubt that I could learn, and I also don’t doubt that there are a lot of women out there who can do car engine type things.

Because I personally feel that anybody can learn to do anything I don’t keep an eye out for gender inequality and I personally haven’t experienced it…until now…

We have a new coach for our dragon boat team, the coach is a woman. I didn’t think anything about it when meeting her because all but one dragon boat coach I have had has been a woman. As long as they are a good coach who cares about anything else, right?

Well, this coach is gender biased, against women. That’s right, she is a woman who is sexist against women. How does that even work??

Our team is a mixed team, meaning we have men and women on the boat. At race festivals there are rules about how many women must be on the boat for a race, it is usually 6 or 8 women minimum. So our new coach is saying we should recruit more men and then on race days have the minimum number of women on the boat we can get away with and fill the rest of the boat with men.

Lemme tell ya, the women on our boat were not impressed with this. She mentioned this at our first practice but I missed that practice because I was sick and thought maybe what I was being told was taken out of context or made to sound worse than it actually is but nope. At every practice since this has come up.

Our women are strong, some of our women are stronger than some of our men. We don’t slack, we don’t let the guys do all the work and just sit there looking pretty, we work hard, we train hard, we pull our weight. But now we are being told that on race day, despite being good paddlers, despite showing up to practices, despite working hard, we will be swapped out so there can be more guys on the boat, regardless of which paddler has more experience, or shows up to more practices, or has earned a chance to race.

No.

Just…no. That’s not right.

So now us women find ourselves in an uncomfortable position because not only is our new coach saying this but our captain is siding with her. We were muttering to each other during warm up, suggestions were made quietly that maybe all the woman should boycott one practice to show what is missing when we aren’t there, comments were thrown out that if we aren’t going to get to race then we won’t be showing up to practices and giving our time to the team if the team is going to shelve us. But for all that we were unhappy and angry and quietly speaking to each other we weren’t speaking out. We weren’t calling bullshit on this sexist regime that seemed to be slowly taking over our team. It’s bad enough for a coach who is new to our team and who maybe hasn’t realized just how strong our women are to say this but for our captain who knows us, knows how hard we work, to side with her because of reasons I can’t even fathom, well, it’s enough to make a girl want to walk out on practice.

This was the first practice I have ever had where I didn’t give it my all. Why should I give everything at practice if I’m not going to get to race? Why give so much of myself to my team if I am not an equal member of my team? Over the span of the practice my anger at the situation grew but I had no idea what to do about it. I can’t just yell at the captain, what will that get me? Kicked off the team probably. Anger didn’t seem like the right way to respond to this situation but I couldn’t look past my anger to see what should be done.

After practice, when we were all by the lockers our captain brought it up, said we as a team needed to talk about this because people seemed upset. He said that we had agreed as a team that we wanted to move up to the next level and maybe we didn’t realize sacrifices would need to be made in order to get to that next level. To which one of the women responded that it is the team, as it is now, with our women paddlers, who got the team to where it is, who brought us to the level we are at, and that shouldn’t be discounted. It was also asked why did he think we couldn’t get to the next level with the women on our team paddling? Who says we can’t get there if we race with women on the boat? Other things were said, comments made, the new coach walked in on our pow-wow and threw her two cents in to the ring. In the end a vote was taken, who wanted to keep things as is, not recruit anymore men to the boat, keep our ratio of women-to-men, and do our best. Hands went up all around. Even the guys hands. One of the guys said who races should be based on who earns a spot on the boat on race day which we all agree with, it’s always been like that with us. If you show up to practice, if you train hard, if you are a good paddler, basically if you earn your seat, then you race. If you slack off, don’t show to practices, don’t try to improve your technique then you stand a higher chance of being sat out on race day (assuming we have more paddlers than spots in the boat).

I’m glad this got brought out in the open and talked about, that people could say to the team what they were thinking/feeling about this new policy, but I’m also still upset. This shouldn’t have happened. Gender has never been an issue on the boat, it should never have become one. It should always be about who earned their spot, who worked for it, not about if you’re a man or woman.

I also don’t know if I believe that on race day there won’t be more women sat out than men. We won’t really know if the coach and/or captain are going to stick to what we as a team voted for until it is race day but I sure hope they don’t go back on what we all agreed on. I’m not good at trusting people, and now two people who I’m supposed to trust to put the good of the team before their own agenda have outed themselves as people who are biased against women…I don’t want to spend the season constantly keeping an eye out for gender biased behaviour but I am already feeling a bit stressed and on guard about it, like I have to keep an eagle eye out to make sure the women on my team don’t get screwed over, sigh. This could really suck…

Random Roundup

13 Dec

I am right this very minute watching Celtic Woman Home For Christmas and loooooving it! This particular concert was filmed in the Helix Theatre in Dublin, *wistful sigh* one of the items on my “List Of Things To Do In Life” is see a Celtic Woman concert in Ireland because the concerts are always so beautiful looking. I saw one here, a couple years ago, and while the beauty of the singers voices brought tears to my eyes the venue left much to be desired. The concert was held where the hockey games are played and that big cube thing that hangs from the ceiling with screens on every side wasn’t sucked up in to the ceiling (nor were the screens used to show a close up view of the stage!) so a lot of people had blocked views. Lame! The concerts that are shown in Ireland though, wow! This one has the main floor of the theatre set up with tables and groups of 4 people are at each table, and one year they performed outside, on a stage in front of a castle! A freakin castle! I think the atmosphere created by such amazing venues would take the show up to that next level, and considering how high of a level they were at when they played here in the hockey arena that’s pretty impressive lol

This first video is all instrumental but the violinist is spectacular! This is one of her tame performances, normally she is leaping all over the stage!

This next video is one of the original ladies of the ensemble. I’m not a religious person but that doesn’t stop this song from being one of my favourite Christmas songs. Most songs are performed by 3-4 women, depending on the season, this just happened to be done solo.

But yeah, so having some trouble concentrating on my writing because I keep looking up at the tv lol

I have some happy happy news! 😀 I was searching for something to wear to work today, all my normal work pants were still damp (I hang my clothes to dry and they hadn’t quite finished drying, the slow pokes! lol) and while digging in my closet I found a pair of pants I put in there months and months ago cause they had gotten too snug. They were doing that thing where they were uncomfie cause (1) I knew they didn’t look good because they no longer fit properly and (2) they were actually physically uncomfie because they didn’t fit. I had half convinced myself I had shrunk them in the wash but instead of getting rid of them I tucked them away cause ya never know right? Well, out of sheer desperation I tried them on today and holy hannah! They fit! They not only fit they fit comfortably, and a little loosely. Not so loose they were falling down or anything but it wasn’t like they “just fit”. They were comfie, and not tight, and just…well…just perfect! 😀 Which meeeeeans I must have lost weight! Awesomeness! Now I kinda wish I had weighed myself at the beginning of this challenge, or measured myself or something so I could say “I lost X amount of pounds/inches” but oh well, I’m just happy to know I lost something lol. I have slightly less worries about being able to fit in to the goal pants which fyi, still hanging on my wall waiting for December 22nd. I’m kind of worried though, what if what I’ve been doing isn’t enough? What if I should be pushing more or eating less? What if? What if? What if?…sigh, I’ve gotta stop stressing about this, I’m doing what I can and have to trust the process buuuuuuut it’s hard! lol 😛

On a sucky note a friend at work was hit by a car this evening while running across the street to catch her bus. 😦 And because I am self-involved and apparently turn everything in to me-me-me I would really like to ask the Universe to stop having bad shit happen on my shifts at work! If I was keeping score, which I may or may not be doing, in the past month I have had 3 falls, 1 death and now a friend hit by a car. *insert scream of frustration here* Luckily I got a phone call from the hospital before my shift ended and it looks like she is going to be fine, she’s still in the process of getting tests but the signs were all good. Phew!

Last night was supposed to be the second part of the German Christmas Market but weather was crap and the three of us decided we’d rather stay in and have a girls night then go to the market and freeze/drown. We all agreed on getting take out and meeting at KS’s place. Luckily I have very UN-judgmental friends and they didn’t make fun of me when my “take out” was a salad and piece of tilapia that I made at home and brought with me lol I figured if I made my own dinner and took it with me I’d know exactly what I was eating nutrition wise aaaaand I’d save money. Win-win! 😀 I might as well confess that I had an itty bitty piece of cake, it was KS’s birthday recently and she had left over cake, it was chocolate orange flavour, Mmm!

I think I have found, well, almost found, a decent balance of following the eating plan and allowing myself to have little treats here and there. I didn’t feel guilty about eating a tiny bit of cake because I’d been eating really well all week and have my food tracker to prove it! I think I’ll use the Lose It! app for the forseeable future, it prevents me from tricking myself in to thinking I ate healthier than I really had which is important because I find when it comes to weight loss the easiest person to lie to is yourself.

Since I am writing about all kinds of things I will share with you a picture of the boots I am currently lusting over, man oh man do I want these boots buuuut not gonna buy em! Why? Well, cause even on sale I can’t afford them (boo!) but that doesn’t stop me from looking at the picture of them and wishing lol

Aren't they so pretty? And warm looking!

Aren’t they so pretty? And warm looking!

Seems like my brain is all over the place today lol hence a sort of “round up” of all kinds of different things I wanted to share with you.

The cat and I wish you all a great evening! 🙂

Nighty night!

Nighty night!

I Just Don’t Care

19 Nov

I can’t bring myself to care, about anything, it just seems too exhausting. It is like every emotion I have has been muted, or covered by a blanket, stifled in some way. I know they are there, just under the surface, wanting out, I just can’t be bothered to make an effort to try to feel them anymore.

I’m doing a pretty decent job of faking it, sorta. At work when I’m at the desk interacting with residents or guests or most of the other staff I’m able to put on a fake smile, make my voice sound cheery and do my thing. There is one staff member that for some reason I don’t feel the need to put the mask on for, it is much easier being around her, less effort needed ya know?

That’s why I haven’t been writing, just the thought of opening my laptop was too much, let alone logging on to wordpress and writing something. The only reason I managed it tonight was because I was going to watch a movie and when I logged onto the computer wordpress popped on to my screen, musta been the last place I was when I closed the laptop last time. I wasn’t going to log on, wasn’t  going to write, was just going to ignore wordpress but then I decided to read other people’s blogs and it made me realize I should probably write in mine…don’t know why, not like this is a happy, cheerful, entertaining post…generally my posts are upbeat and mildly entertaining (at least I hope they are).

I managed to follow my eating plan for the most part since the fiasco that was Friday. Saturday and Sunday were perfect. Followed my eating plan, tracked everything in my Lose It! app, I may be going through a tough time but at least I didn’t add guilt to my shoulders over messing up my eating plan. Monday however I screwed up, but since I’m still in a cloud of not caring, I can’t bring myself to feel badly about it. I’m sure I’ll feel like that eventually, but for now, no guilt over choosing bad for me food. shrug. I ate according to plan while at work but when I got home I just couldn’t get the energy to make dinner. At first I wasn’t really hungry so I figured wait a bit, when I’m hungry then I’ll want to eat and I’ll go make something but nope. By the time I was hungry I was in no mood to go messing around in the kitchen so I did what I absolutely should not have, I ordered pizza…and dessert bread sticks. Damn you Panago for having such tasty food! Mostly I wanted the dessert breadsticks, I am a carb junkie, when things go bad that’s what I aim for, not good I know but I figure it’s better then gambling or drinking, right?

dessert breadsticks from Panago, just dip em in frosting and enjoy!

dessert breadsticks from Panago, just dip em in frosting and enjoy!

I ate the breadsticks and a bit of the pizza, it was super tasty. Mmm! The low level headache I’d been having for days went away and for a little while I actually felt like I had energy. I didn’t do anything with that energy mind you, just chilled watching tv and cuddling with the cat but at least I felt a bit energetic. That quickly faded and I ended up napping on the living room chair by accident, oops. I’m putting that down to a long day at work on very little sleep.

Today (Tuesday) I met up with a friend around 5pm-ish. I slept most of the day, having gone to bed around 3am, so I had a protein shake before meeting her and then we went shopping, had dinner and watched a movie. For dinner we had sushi, I know if you order carefully sushi can be a healthy meal, but I order like a born and raised North American which means not healthy. We split some spicy agedashi tofu, then I had an avocado roll and a philly roll. The philly roll is my favourite, smoked salmon and cream cheese…so not on my eating plan! Then, just to make things worse, I had a small frozen yogurt at the theatre. *groans*

Even while sitting here typing out what I ate and knowing I should feel badly about messing up my eating plan I just…don’t. I’m not even trying to justify the food choices, shrug. I made them. I ate the food. Whatever, it’s done and there’s nothing I can do about it now. I am however trying to figure out what to do with the left over pizza in my fridge…can I freeze that so the next time I crave pizza I can just thaw out one slice? I’ll hafta google that…

So eating hasn’t gotten me out of this funk, neither has shopping. Weird huh? I bought some Christmas presents today, and some stuff for myself yesterday and the day before and while I am glad I made the purchases the usual giddy happiness I would feel over some of the stuff I bought isn’t there. I’m just all meh about it.

Tomorrow I will go to Zumba class no matter what, maybe that’ll help shake me outta this? Gotta try something since my usual ways of cheering myself up have failed.

The only positive thing I am getting from all this is since eating the pizza, and the breadsticks, and the sushi and the frozen yogurt didn’t make me feel better I might as well make the effort to eat according to my meal plan. Since the high calorie, carb laden food is doing nothing for me emotion wise or body fat % wise I might as well ignore it and eat only what I am supposed to. Least when this is all over and I am back to my normal self I won’t be looking in to the mirror at someone who let themselves go and gained a bunch of weight instead of reaching her goal of dropping a size by Dec 22. Cause even if right now I don’t care about that, I’m sure I will care about it again soon and I don’t want to be kicking myself for making my goal even harder to reach all cause I couldn’t keep it together.

Extenuating Circumstances

15 Nov

extenuating

I don’t normally fail on day two of a challenge. Especially when I gave the challenge to myself. I did all kinds of things to make sure I not only rocked this one but I had fun and it was as easy as it could be.

Inspirational wall? Yup!

Goal Pants? Yup!

Groceries bought? Yup!

Food cooked a day in advance so I wasn’t running around crazy before work? Yup!

Calendar put on wall for easy visual tracking? Yup!

Lose It! and Runtastic App brought up to date and actually used? Yup!

Goal written out and taped to wall so I can remember why I’m doing this? Yup!

See? See how organized I was?!

Thing is, you can’t plan for everything no matter how hard you try, and sometimes things happen you weren’t even aware you had to plan for…more importantly, brace for.

It was a bad night at work today. It started off fine, like any other Friday evening shift. I was having a good time (I find my job fun), was mentally planning for errands I had to do after work, thinking about all kinds of random happy things when a sound I absolutely dread occurred.

The emergency alarm.

Crap.

Usually the emergency alarm turns out to be a false alarm or a situation I can at least deal with.

Tonight…not so much.

All those years I have been keeping my First Aid/CPR up to date, all those scenarios I am trained for, well, for the first time ever I had to utilize those skills, had to actually do what I had been taught in all those classes.

You know what I learned? Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, nothing works. 😦

I watched someone die tonight. While I was working on her she just…went away…I can’t get over how she was there and then she wasn’t…

Paramedics and firemen came, they worked on her also, they tried so hard but she was gone.

The rest of my night was spent doing my normal work stuff and handling all the things that go along with the death of a resident.

So you see, extenuating circumstances, they can mess with the best made plans, and ya know what, right now, I don’t even care that I messed up my eating for the day because I got reminded that there are things so so so much more important than the stupid, self involved, whiny crap I talk about on a daily basis.

After work I had to hit up the grocery store, besides what was on my list I bought a Chinese Almond Bun and a Lindt chocolate bar. Bad decision? Yes. Right way to deal with how I was feeling? No. Right now do I care that I totally blew my eating plan on day 2 of my challenge? No, cause ya know what, not everyday I watch someone die and frankly, not so sure I know how to deal with this.

All I can do is give myself time, and call my mom (which fyi, I will soooo be doing tomorrow! Would have done tonight except for stupid time zones that meant she was sleeping by the time I got home)…I have this mentality that my mom can fix anything, I know there isn’t anything in this situation she can fix but I also know I’ll feel better getting to hear her voice, hers and my dads.

So for now I have a sore stomach from the chocolate, I have teary eyes and I have the overwhelming urge to go to sleep and escape thinking about what happened today.

Tomorrow will be better, right?

Work Luau? Aw crap…

21 Jul

Aloha

Sooooooo, work today, oh dear. The building I work in had a tenant appreciation day so they had a Hawaiian themed lunch party. I wasn’t going to go because I didn’t know what kind of food would be there but I had the absolute most boring salad in the planet for lunch and thought maybe I’d find some chicken or something that I could put on my salad. Ha! That so wasn’t gonna happen…well, it mostly didn’t happen. lol.

The main dish was pulled pork on a bun with your choice of bbq sauce or a honey something or other sauce. They had a vegetarian version which was a nasty boring looking veggie patties on the same buns with a cucumber dressing. Both were served with coleslaw and there was drinks and ice cream. I got the veggie pattie on the bun with some of the cucumber dressing, a tiny bit of the coleslaw and I couldn’t resist – I got a small bit of the pork with some bbq sauce on the pork on the side. Oh man, that pork and sauce was sooooooo good! I had a bite of the coleslaw cause I wanted to see what is was like – that makes it sound like I haven’t had coleslaw before, lol, it had cranberries in it and looked yummy so I thought a bite couldn’t hurt. I crumbled the veggie pattie and put it on my salad which meant I didn’t top the salad with the croutons or dressing I packed to go with it. Least when I added something I also took two somethings away, that’s good compromise right? Well, maybe not good but ok…:P

I was weak and ate half the bun, sigh, I know I shouldn’t have but I love bread – it is one of my biggest weaknesses and I totally caved. blarg! Aaaaand, to make matter worse, I had…an ice cream cone…I know! I know! I am hanging my head in shame still! I shouldn’t have done it, I don’t know why I did it, I wasn’t craving it, yeah it looked good but I have resisted other things that look good but for some reason I got it. It was like a pod person had control over my body…I went to the tent with the ice cream with my friends, stood in line, got my cone and ate it all without really thinking about it – I just went with the flow, wtf??? I think that is how I ate before, I just took food and didn’t think about the consequences. Not good! I may not have thought about the consequences when I ate that ice cream but I sure suffered for it later. 😛 After the lunch I felt fine, not full but not hungry – that weird feeling I am getting used to associating with having eaten enough but not too much; once I ate the ice cream my stomach bumped me up to the feeling of slightly icky, too full and a bit sick. sigh. I don’t normally have that reaction to ice cream so it’s not like an allergy or anything, it was my stomach letting me know I was an idiot and should have thought the eating of that cone through a little more. lol. Another consequence of that ice cream was it left me with a whopping 3.5 points for dinner! Can you believe that?? Luckily (I can’t believe I think this is lucky!) I was still feeling icky when I got home from work so I didn’t want anything to eat until later in the evening and even then I didn’t want a lot so I had some soup and popcorn.

I seem to be slowly falling off the wagon lately, first my screw ups on the weekend now this, I don’t understand what happened…I had been doing so well! I was strict with myself but didn’t feel deprived and I know me, if I am not strict I won’t follow through…I don’t think I have changed my thinking on anything lately – I still want to lose the weight, I still have all the same goals but something must be going on cause I am losing my follow through to reach my goals. sigh. Maybe it’s cause of the failed weigh in on the weekend and knowing that this saturdays weigh in will probably be wonky too cause I will have just finished my road trip and I am worried I will cheat while driving. That’s not completely accurate, I know I am going to be cheating because I am planning to stop at this amazingly great drive in on my way through Calgary called Peter’s Drive In http://www.petersdrivein.com/ they have the most amazing milk shakes on the planet and I only get one a year if I am lucky so I told myself  ‘screw the points, for one day you can have something absolutely horrible because of the kind of exception it is’ but now I am worrying about it…it’s gonna be a lot of points, how am I going to work this? Do I just not eat the rest of the day? I don’t think that will work…do I only eat veggies the rest of the day since they have no points? Do I eat normal and healthy and have the shake on top of that? I don’t know what to do!!! What’s the best course of action for this problem? None of the healthy eating books I am reading cover this dilemma, sigh. I guess I shouldn’t worry about it now, the problem won’t pop up until friday but still, sigh…

Here is my food from yesterday (since I forgot to post yesterday, oops!)

3/4 cup Red Berry Special K = 2 points

1/2 cup 1% milk = 1 point

1 nectarine = 1 point

1 salad from Salad Loop

    – chick peas = 1 point

    – sunflower seeds = 1 point

    – 1 hard boiled egg = 2 points

    – veggies = 0 points

    – light ranch = 1 point

2 triangles of Laughing Cow Light cheese = 1 point

1 grilled cheese sandwich = 4 points

1/2 cup Sidekicks Honey Garlic Noodles = 3 points

1 cup strawberries = 1 point

1 cup blueberries = 1 point

1 oreo cakester = 2 points

1 cup 1% milk = 2 points

That is my 23 points for the day. 🙂 Least I got yesterday right! The Sidekick noodles were ok, not the best flavour but lower in points then the flavours I usually eat so that’s ok. The salad was absolutely delicious! Way expensive, sigh, I really like Salad Loop – it’s a good change from Subway but it can cost a lot if you’re not careful. I may buy sunflower seeds, they were a nice addition to the salad.

And my food for today…brace for it!

1 bagel = 4 points

1 teaspoon of margarine = 1 point

1/2 hamburger bun = 2 points

1 veggie burger pattie = 2 points

small amount of pulled pork = 1.5 points

bbq sauce = 1 point

1 cup strawberries = 1 point

2 triangles Light Laughing Cow cheese = 1 point

1/2 cup cottage cheese = 2 points

1 ice cream cone = 1 point

1 small scoop mango ice cream = 3 points

1 cup butternut squash soup = 2 points

1 package Jolly Time Kettle Corn = 1 point

That is 23 points, I am glad I was able to find a low point dinner so I didn’t go over. I had almost resigned myself to going over my points because I couldn’t not eat something for dinner then I realized the soup would be good and low in points so yah!

I have to do better though! Tomorrow is back to being strict! strict! strict! I watched Jillian Michael’s new show, the one where she lives with a family for a week to help them get healthier…I love her, she’s so awesome! Scary but awesome. lol. I want to meet her and have her help me get in shape and yet I am scared of her and wouldn’t want her yelling in my face. Her whole approach is break you down physically so you break emotionally and find the reason why you let yourself get big…I am not big (heh!) on digging that deep in to my psyche, I may never get back out again! 😛 Watching her do that to others though is quite entertaining and gives me ideas and tips, also, it helps firm up my resolve a little. I know I will never look like her but I can try to get to her level of determination and get my ass in shape! If she can make other tubs-o-lard get in shape then I can damn well get myself there! I hope…

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