Tag Archives: panago pizza

I Just Don’t Care

19 Nov

I can’t bring myself to care, about anything, it just seems too exhausting. It is like every emotion I have has been muted, or covered by a blanket, stifled in some way. I know they are there, just under the surface, wanting out, I just can’t be bothered to make an effort to try to feel them anymore.

I’m doing a pretty decent job of faking it, sorta. At work when I’m at the desk interacting with residents or guests or most of the other staff I’m able to put on a fake smile, make my voice sound cheery and do my thing. There is one staff member that for some reason I don’t feel the need to put the mask on for, it is much easier being around her, less effort needed ya know?

That’s why I haven’t been writing, just the thought of opening my laptop was too much, let alone logging on to wordpress and writing something. The only reason I managed it tonight was because I was going to watch a movie and when I logged onto the computer wordpress popped on to my screen, musta been the last place I was when I closed the laptop last time. I wasn’t going to log on, wasn’t  going to write, was just going to ignore wordpress but then I decided to read other people’s blogs and it made me realize I should probably write in mine…don’t know why, not like this is a happy, cheerful, entertaining post…generally my posts are upbeat and mildly entertaining (at least I hope they are).

I managed to follow my eating plan for the most part since the fiasco that was Friday. Saturday and Sunday were perfect. Followed my eating plan, tracked everything in my Lose It! app, I may be going through a tough time but at least I didn’t add guilt to my shoulders over messing up my eating plan. Monday however I screwed up, but since I’m still in a cloud of not caring, I can’t bring myself to feel badly about it. I’m sure I’ll feel like that eventually, but for now, no guilt over choosing bad for me food. shrug. I ate according to plan while at work but when I got home I just couldn’t get the energy to make dinner. At first I wasn’t really hungry so I figured wait a bit, when I’m hungry then I’ll want to eat and I’ll go make something but nope. By the time I was hungry I was in no mood to go messing around in the kitchen so I did what I absolutely should not have, I ordered pizza…and dessert bread sticks. Damn you Panago for having such tasty food! Mostly I wanted the dessert breadsticks, I am a carb junkie, when things go bad that’s what I aim for, not good I know but I figure it’s better then gambling or drinking, right?

dessert breadsticks from Panago, just dip em in frosting and enjoy!

dessert breadsticks from Panago, just dip em in frosting and enjoy!

I ate the breadsticks and a bit of the pizza, it was super tasty. Mmm! The low level headache I’d been having for days went away and for a little while I actually felt like I had energy. I didn’t do anything with that energy mind you, just chilled watching tv and cuddling with the cat but at least I felt a bit energetic. That quickly faded and I ended up napping on the living room chair by accident, oops. I’m putting that down to a long day at work on very little sleep.

Today (Tuesday) I met up with a friend around 5pm-ish. I slept most of the day, having gone to bed around 3am, so I had a protein shake before meeting her and then we went shopping, had dinner and watched a movie. For dinner we had sushi, I know if you order carefully sushi can be a healthy meal, but I order like a born and raised North American which means not healthy. We split some spicy agedashi tofu, then I had an avocado roll and a philly roll. The philly roll is my favourite, smoked salmon and cream cheese…so not on my eating plan! Then, just to make things worse, I had a small frozen yogurt at the theatre. *groans*

Even while sitting here typing out what I ate and knowing I should feel badly about messing up my eating plan I just…don’t. I’m not even trying to justify the food choices, shrug. I made them. I ate the food. Whatever, it’s done and there’s nothing I can do about it now. I am however trying to figure out what to do with the left over pizza in my fridge…can I freeze that so the next time I crave pizza I can just thaw out one slice? I’ll hafta google that…

So eating hasn’t gotten me out of this funk, neither has shopping. Weird huh? I bought some Christmas presents today, and some stuff for myself yesterday and the day before and while I am glad I made the purchases the usual giddy happiness I would feel over some of the stuff I bought isn’t there. I’m just all meh about it.

Tomorrow I will go to Zumba class no matter what, maybe that’ll help shake me outta this? Gotta try something since my usual ways of cheering myself up have failed.

The only positive thing I am getting from all this is since eating the pizza, and the breadsticks, and the sushi and the frozen yogurt didn’t make me feel better I might as well make the effort to eat according to my meal plan. Since the high calorie, carb laden food is doing nothing for me emotion wise or body fat % wise I might as well ignore it and eat only what I am supposed to. Least when this is all over and I am back to my normal self I won’t be looking in to the mirror at someone who let themselves go and gained a bunch of weight instead of reaching her goal of dropping a size by Dec 22. Cause even if right now I don’t care about that, I’m sure I will care about it again soon and I don’t want to be kicking myself for making my goal even harder to reach all cause I couldn’t keep it together.

From Sadness to Fear to Anger to Self Medication

14 Mar

Have you ever noticed how fear makes us do weird things? We all react to it differently and a situation that intellectually isn’t that big of a deal grows so huge in our heads we freak out.

There’s legit fear; like what those in Japan have been feeling for days – earthquake, tsunami and now failing power plants, they are probably wondering what is going to happen next, I know I am.

But there is another fear, fear on a personal level about all kinds of things. Fear of embarassment, fear caused by your pride, fear of illness, pain, poverty…

The type I felt today was fear of change.

Normally I spout on about the greatness that is change – change your hairstyle, wardrobe, food, always try something new when you have the chance, always choose the thing you haven’t done yet because change makes you grow…and growth is all kinds of good! 😀

Sometimes though something changes that throws you, something you never really thought about changing and therefore didn’t prepare for.

All my talk about loving change and today I was knocked back a step, reminded how replaceable I am, how in this large company I am no more important then a background person on a movie set – I am a breathing prop.

Nobody wants to be that; nobody wants to think their manager will just trade them to a different section of the company without any advance notice, a question about if you want to go…hell, a hint?!

Today I got pulled aside and told I am being switched to a different department, my work load is being redistributed to those I have to leave behind and the contents of my desk will be moved to a new section.

Now sure, it could be worse. At least I know on a friendly lunch room sociable level those I’ll be working with but I don’t even know what they do let alone what I will be doing.

A person I trained who recently got traded over to this same departmant will now be training me – ah, see how pride can rear it’s ugly head?

So, let’s recap my emotions of the day since my being told of my shift at work:

(1) shock, surprise (2) sadness at not getting to sit near my friend, at being booted out of the department I have been in for so long, at having to move where I sit (3) bit more shock when I fully realized how replaceable I am (4) fear about my new job, new area I will be sitting in, people I will be sitting with, what will be expected of me, fear of the unknown (5) anger at myself for being so weak and whiny I would be scared over a change as insignificant as this

So how does all this connect to my weight loss? Cause we all know I have to link everything back to that at some point…lol

Simple, my overly emotional day (mostly, well, ok, all negative emotions) put me on a roller coaster I am not good at riding. Some people self medicate with alcohol, cigarettes, drugs of some sort…I use food. *rolls eyes* So that is what I did today for dinner…I stopped at Panago Pizza on the way home and ordered a personal sized beef taco pizza with jalapeno ranch dipping sauce and I also got the dessert bread sticks…cause the pizza isn’t bad enough apparently.

Hey, sure, it’s not a good way to deal with what happened but it could’ve been worse! I could have followed through with my original plan to hit up a liquor store, so there! 😛 Least the calories I took in were food related and there were some food groups in there (I get my pizza loaded with lettuce and tomato) instead of just inhaling empty calories on beer…lemme at least pretend there is a silver lining here ok?

The day started off well, I read up on the amount of servings expected per day for all the food groups and was well on my way of hitting the 6-8 fruit veggie servings we are supposed to get per day but yeah, I so failed that plan. sigh. Ah well, that’s what tomorrow is for…stupid emotions…see if I let you kick my butt next time! Grr!

Crazy Days!

6 Feb

Talk about being thrown for a loop! A good loop but still a loop! lol. 😀

I had an appointment Saturday at 11:30am to get new headshots – yah! So Friday after work I was going to get my eyebrows cleaned up, buy a black cami (I discovered the day before mine is now way too big, sweet!), exfoliate, shave uber carefully, pack the clothes that I was taking to the photo shoot, give myself a mani pedi, retry on the outfits I was planning to wear and basically groom the evening away so I was as beautiful as possible Saturday…well, here’s the loop! I got a text Friday morning when I was at work informing me the shoot had to be moved and how was 4pm Friday for me?

Ack! Talk about freak out! For starters, I work till 4:30pm so can’t really be in two places at once…I’m just not that talented, go figure lol. After some back and forth I got it moved to 5pm and thanks to having an awesome team leader I was allowed to leave work at 12:30pm so I could do everything that needed doing and get to the shoot on time. You should’ve seen me! I left work 12:30pm on the dot then became a crazy person rushing to the eyebrow place, rushing to the clothes store, rushing to my place to take over the bathroom, rushing to pack then rushing to the studio. So much rushing!

I actually managed to get to the studio early so I sat in my suv and tried to relax. lol. Oh, and to top it all off once I got that text about the changing day/time for the shoot I stopped eating and drinking cause hello? I am fattest at the end of day cause of food and drink, and my teeth are slightly less white at the end of the day due to the tea I drink so yeah, I was rushing, stressed and under-fueled. lol. I didn’t feel hungry the entire time though cause of how rushed/stressed I was, so yah? lol.

The photo shoot went a-frickin-mazing! Sooooo much fun and the pictures came out great! The photographer did such an amazing job and so did the makeup lady. They made me so pretty! 🙂 I am taking the top 8 pics to work tomorrow to show peeps and put the top 14 on my facebook page so I can get feedback from friends and others in the acting community as to which is the best to use when agent hunting.

After the shoot was all over and I was leaving I realized I was really hungry, shocking huh? lol. I decided to treat myself and I ordered a personal sized beef taco pizza from Panago. I know that celebrating a great photo shoot by eating pizza isn’t the smartest thing to do but, I dunno, it’s habit I guess…and man, that pizza was gooooood! lol 😛

So Saturday was a much calmer day, lol, I slept in, met up with KL, we went for sushi, she went over the pictures that I printed from the shoot and helped me narrow the list down. To give some perspective for this, there were 178 picutes in total, I printed out 31 pictures, and now it’s narrowed down to 8…it’s hard to pick when there are so many choices but when going through the entire pile you kinda wish there were even more to pick from lol. Greedy huh?

I have no idea what kind of points I ate yesterday, what with the sushi, and then random things I ate after the sushi, shrug. I didn’t even try to count! Shocking!

Oh, and I didn’t weigh myself saturday cause that pizza I ate friday didn’t get eaten till almost 8:30pm so I figured it was still in my digestive track somewhere and I wouldn’t end up with a reliable weigh in number. I weighed myself today though and wOOt! The weight I gained after I got over being sick is now gone, and I lost a little bit extra, yah! I am now at 26.8lbs total lost. 😀 😀 😀 I’m kinda surprised cause of eating the pizza friday and then the sushi etc on saturday – I was kinda expecting to be the same or higher. Really, when I look back at the food I ate this week, it was a week full of little cheats that should have added up to disaster on the scale and yet, somehow, they didn’t…

However, I am not going to continue on the track of allowing myself little cheats everyday – this past week was some freakish anomoly that I am putting down to the stress I was feeling about the upcoming photo shoot but that is done and over and I ended up with great pics so now I must get myself back on track with my food. Can’t go screwing up all royal now can I? Nope! I can’t!

Today I ate my 20 points, no flex points for me! Sure, I didn’t eat all healthy stuff exactly – I mean, it’s the weekend, I slept in so I got to treat myself to a higher pointed first meal 😛 but I did eat lots of veggies and I had a salmon steak for dinner so I got myself some healthy protein…heck, I even got some calcium in there!

So the work week starts tomorrow, ugh, and so does my week of being strict with myself – it’s not that I won’t eat any flex points this week I just won’t use as many as last week and I will not eat something stupidly unhealthy just cause it is there (for example, that oh so yummy bbq pork bun I had last week, sigh…) This week will be all about balanced protein and veggies and healthy choices for every meal! Wonder how long that’ll last? lol. 😛

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