Tag Archives: self esteem

That Conversation

12 Nov

Let’s back track a little bit and return to Monday when I was at work.

I was in an elevator with a fellow staff member, one I am on friendly terms with but am not actual friends with, our jobs rarely intersect and really, once I’ve buzzed her in to the building and given her the cleaning schedule (she’s one of the housekeepers) I don’t see her again.

So there we were, waiting for an elevator, then getting in to the elevator and this is the conversation that happened…

Her: Are you pregnant?

Me: No (insert awkward fake laugh)…I’m just fat…?

Her: Oh…yeah, cause when I started here you were quite slim.

Me: …Yeeeeah…okaaay…

said-that

Luckily the elevator got to my floor right then and I could leave the unpleasantness of that conversation behind.

Only, I haven’t left it behind, it’s been bouncing around in my head ever since.

A bit later that morning I was chatting with two of my work friends and told them about the conversation, they kinda chuckled, not out right laughing but not shocked horror at the comment, they were somewhere in the middle. After a minute of talking about it then they started to get, hmm, not outraged or anything but making comments saying she is wrong and off base and of course I don’t look pregnant, or even fat.

I think they thought the comments didn’t affect me so they were laughing them off…their reaction had me even more internally freaked out though because what if I do look that big? I didn’t think I did, and I certainly don’t have the shape of a pregnant lady, but maybe what I see in the mirror isn’t what other people see when they look at me?

I immediately started making promises to myself, (1) never wearing these pants again (2) not eating for the rest of the day (3) going for a long run no matter the weather after work…stupid promises that were only made in response to my self-esteem plummeting. Of course I’ll wear the pants again, I can’t afford to buy new ones. Of course I ended up eating later that day, this conversation happened around 9am, there was a lot of day left. Of course I didn’t go running after work, it’s freakin cold outside and I already had plans.

Part of me was mad that she said that but mostly I felt ashamed, and unworthy and a failure. Like I deserved to be verbally slapped in my face because I’ve gained weight and that somehow makes it acceptable to be attacked with mean words. I don’t understand my emotional response, not fully, but I do know in that elevator I had no response to what was said to me, I was so shocked, so horrified at what had just been said about me to me, and secretly feeling that she might be right.

How can I defend myself against mean words when those words resonate within me as possible truth?

Later that day one of the two friends I had told about the conversation and I were talking and I asked her, in all seriousness, do I look pregnant? Do I look that fat? She, in all seriousness, said no, of course I don’t, and don’t let what was said bother me because it is completely wrong, I’m slim, don’t look anything close to pregnant, and the other lady doesn’t know what she is talking about.

I think we can all agree she said the right things, but somehow they didn’t make me feel any better.

At lunchtime I had to force myself to eat. When I get upset I tend to lose my appetite, in a middle of a meal that I am really enjoying if something happens to deeply upset me I completely lose my appetite and it can be gone for days, it’s weird. So, at lunch time I had no appetite, not only was I not hungry but I was scared to eat, worried about how eating was going to make me bigger and I kept thinking about how I should cut out more calories. Even though I actually under eat most days and am actively trying to eat a bit more on a daily basis to help fix my metabolism (it’s a reverse dieting thing that I keep meaning to write about, and will eventually lol). Intellectually I knew I had to eat, even though I didn’t want to. I didn’t want what was said to derail me from trying to fix my metabolism and skipping lunch would put me one step closer to reverting back to old eating habits and losing all the progress I had made over the past month or so.

I ate lunch. And as weird as this will sound, was half proud I ate and half worried she would walk in and see me eating and judge me even more than she apparently already is. I don’t even know this lady all that well and I was worried she might see me eating my salad and judge me?? What’s with that?! *rolls eyes*

Later in the day I was talking to a friend of mine who is a personal trainer and told her about the conversation. I told it as a funny “you’ll never guess what convo I had today” joke kind of thing, as if I am all light hearted about it and un-affected. She saw right through me and immediately went on the defensive, as in, defensive of me! She got so angry that someone would say something like that to me, she didn’t offer me platitudes about “of course you don’t look like that”, you know, the patting me on the head sort of thing, instead she spoke about how crappy it is that our society has bred people that think it is ok to take out their unhappiness on others by saying hurtful things. After she wound down a bit she even gave me a hug and said to not let what was said get to me.

That night when I checked my email she had even sent me an email with deeper thoughts about what had happened.

Her response, although meant in the best way, is almost overwhelming for me, like, I don’t deserve someone to be that upset on my behalf and I find myself wanting to tell her it’s ok and to calm down and not to worry but maybe she knows me better than I realized because I’m not ok, or calm or un-worried about what happened and her being so upset has given me permission to be upset about what was said.

And now I’m just rambling, and don’t really have a point to make. I don’t know if the lady who said that to me is unhappy and trying to bring me down cause she’s hurting (as the personal trainer friend suggested), or rude, or mean, or ignorant of social norms, or thought what she said was perfectly ok and isn’t giving it a second thought. Unlike me who has given it a second, third, fourth…fifty-fourth thought…All I know is what she said hurt, and has sucked me down in to a vortex of self-doubt, and body shaming, and embarrassment and now, not only am I working to get in better shape I am also working to get my brain to stop thinking about what she said cause dwelling on that convo will do nothing good for me.

dwell

 

Haters are just gonna hate I guess.

The Ups and Downs Of Shopping

19 Feb

Shopping, ugh, I have such a love-hate thing going on when it comes to shopping. As a ย girl I am supposed to love! love! love! shopping for pretty much everything buuuuuut I don’t. ๐Ÿ˜›

The things I love to shop for? Gear for my various sports/activities, books, shoes, jewellery, purses, techie stuff…but since I don’t have a lot of money I usually end up buying stuff for my sports/activities and shoes lol

Things I hate shopping for? Clothes.

Yes, I admit it, I am a female who hates shopping for clothes…well, unless it’s clothes to be worn when exercising, hiking, dragon boating, running, basically sports clothes. But clothes for work or general socializing? Nuh-uh, don’t like it.

I’m never happy with what I look like hence hating to shop for clothes.

For the last couple months or so I’ve been oh so amazingly unhappy with my clothes. Every time I get dressed for work or to go hang with friends I feel ugly. I don’t like how my pants fit, I don’t like how they look, they make me miserable and self-conscious and eager to return home and put on some sweats or yoga pants. My tops I’m ok with, it’s the pants that are a problem.

I was convinced it is because I am too big…huh, I’m trying to find a nice way to say this, *deep breath* I was convinced I felt this way in my pants because I was too fat for them. I wasn’t when I bought them, they fit great, so obviously if I don’t fit perfectly in them anymore it must be because I got too fat for them, right? Right. It’s depressing, and made me even less eager to shop than normal. I kept telling myself that if I am so unhappy with how I look in my clothes then stop being a dumb ass, lose the weight I so obviously gained, and fit back in to them. If I ate something I shouldn’t, then felt uncomfortable in my pants I would mentally yell at myself (cause yelling out loud to myself is just weird ๐Ÿ˜› ) and basically tell myself my punishment for eating something bad for me was feeling so miserable in my pants. Not the healthiest way to be looking at things…

maybe this should be my new plan? ;)

maybe this should be my new plan? ๐Ÿ˜‰

Couple months or so ago I bought two new pair of pants, a pair of jeans and a pair of cords. I bought them both a size up from what all my other pants are because I thought that must be what I needed, a size larger. I’ve been having trouble with both those pairs of pants though because they are too big, after about 20 minutes of wearing them they have become so loose I am constantly having to pull them up – soooo not an attractive thing to be doing. *rolls eyes* and under normal circumstance they’d be donated to a thrift store or relegated to “fat day pants”. Thing is, I don’t own enough pants to be giving any away or wearing certain ones so infrequently.

So I was confused, how could one size fit too snug and the next size up fit way too loose? Then I had a realization…except for those two pants that I bought in the larger size I hadn’t bought pants (except yoga or hiking or dragon boat pants) in three years. THREE YEARS!! I’ve been wearing the same freakin pants for years! No wonder they aren’t fitting properly anymore! They’ve been washed how many times? Worn how many times? Sat in, run in, moved around in, lived in for how long? Oh yeah, that’s right, 3 years.

That little tidbit of info made me feel not quite so bad about how my pants are fitting. Have I changed since I bought them, well yeah, sure I have. But so have the pants. They don’t hold their shape as well as they used to, over time the leg length has shrunk so it’s a good bet the rest of the way they fit has shrunk, they are old, and while I keep my clothes in as good condition as possible they are showing their age. I’d say they are due to be retired.

I decided with this paycheque I would buy myself a pair of pants, maybe two if I could find a good sale somewhere. I had almost convinced myself the shopping might be fun and not horrific since maybe I’m not the monstrous size I feel I must have become since my pants haven’t been fitting me but then reality set in lol Dragon boat season is starting early this year, a whole month earlier and I needed new water proof pants cause mine became un-water proof by the end of last season and while yes, this is a water sport so I should expect to get wet, being on the water at 7:30pm at night in February is damn cold and it’s sensible to wear water proof gear until the weather warms up. No point getting drenched and cold and being sick when you don’t have to be. I was at Mountain Equipment Co-Op, shopping for the water proof pants (which I found, and while I bought the cheapest pair they were by no means cheap, ugh) when I saw some sweet hiking pants on sale for $20. I figured I’d try them on since they were such a great deal and omg they fit beautifully! It’s amazing how good I felt about how I looked when I wore them! I didn’t feel self-conscious or ugly or fat or like I wanted to hide, I felt like I looked good. ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s been a looooong time since I’ve felt that. Obviously I bought them. Oh, and the size? The equivalent to the size of the pants that no longer fit me. Weird.

So now I don’t have the money to replace my work/socializing pants because I bought the water proof pants and the hiking pants but the water proof ones are a necessity and the hiking pants were too good a deal to pass up, shrug. Guess I’ll have to keep battling the feelings I get in my three year old pants until I have another paycheque that has some money left over and I can go find some new clothes. If I can hold on to how I felt when trying on the hiking pants then maybe I won’t even mind going shopping for new work/social pants…maybe! ๐Ÿ˜‰ lol

Delayed Gratification

16 Jan

Online shopping teaches us a valuable lesson. It teaches us that sure when you press “purchase” you may get that excited feeling in your tummy because you just bought something awesome but that doesn’t mean you’ll get to enjoy that item right away, not like when you go shopping in a store.

Oh delayed gratification, how you taunt me!

Recently I boughtย boots, boots that I have been wanting for months and months. I patiently stalked the boots online, waiting until they were at a sale price I could afford and when they were reduced in price I pounced! I quickly put a pair of those boots in my online shopping cart, hit the checkout button and presto! I became the proud owner of a pair of kick ass boots. Wellll, an owner in name only since they didn’t just magically jump out of my computer screen onto my lap. Nope. They are in transit somewhere, sloooooowly making their way to me. Ok fine, not that slowly, I’m just impatient so the 3-5 business days it will take to get those boots feels like forever. I know I know, first world problems *rolls eyes*

2014-01-15 00.04.52

The other day, I bought a jacket, yup, I was online shopping again. I can vaguely justify this purchase because I have been trying since November to find a jacket and snow pants for snowshoeing and have been having miserable luck with it. I have basically stopped looking in the stores because the jackets they put on sale only seem to be in extra-small size and even then they cost $300 and up. How is that a sale price?? And how is it that everyone is ok with the cost of winter sports gear?? It’s ridiculous! So yeah, every week or so I check online for jackets and snow pants. I haven’t been too rushed because we’ve had a depressing lack of snow on the mountains this year so even if I had all my gear I wouldn’t be able to go snowshoeing yet. The lateness of the snow kinda worked in my favour that way. Well, guess who got snow? Yup, us! WooHoo! Rain in the city, snow in the mountains, finally! Only problem is now I wanna get my ass up to the mountain but can’t cause I don’t have the right clothes to go through the trails on my snowshoes without freezing, or coming out drenched lol.

I found a jacket, my size, on sale, and if I signed up for the email list from the company I’d get an additional discount on my purchase aaaand they were having a “spend x amount of money get free shipping” promotion. The sale price and the free shipping were both ending the next day so I felt mildly pressured to buy! buy! buy! Even though I hated the idea of buying a jacket online I hadn’t tried on it seemed this was going to be the only way I could get one so out came the credit card and boom! I increased my debt load. ๐Ÿ˜›

I was all excited the next day, thinking how I bought a new jacket blah blah blah but the excitement faded when I realized there was no real point in telling anyone about it since I couldn’t actually describe it except for what I read in the description and saw in the pictures. I can’t talk about how good it fits (hopefully it does!) or how I love the colour (it might not look the same in person) or how warm/waterproof/epic it is cause I haven’t actually had a face-to-jacket experience yet. It’s kinda driving me nuts lol

You know where else you have to cope with delayed gratification? Weight loss. Getting in shape. Changing to a healthy lifestyle. Building muscle. Whatever your plan is, whatever your final goal is, whatever you want to call it…they all teach us about delayed gratification cause duuuude, none of that stuff happens overnight, sadly. ๐Ÿ˜›

patience

You may change to healthy eating habits and follow them religiously, you may start a work out plan and never deviate from it, you may do or change any or all aspects of your life to achieve whatever changes to your body you want to achieve but the changes won’t happen overnight, they won’t even happen within a month, you just have to trust in what you are doing and wait. Wait for the changes to be visible in the mirror, visible to other people, visible to your critical judgement of your body.

That waiting can be hard. That waiting can invite doubt, skepticism, impatience, it can invite all kinds of things that are hard to battle. You may start to think you are doing something wrong, that you are failing because you don’t see changes yet, you may be tempted to go back to your old way of eating, your old way of not exercising, you may think what does it matter when all those changes you made to your lifestyle aren’t creating change to your body.

This is where patience comes in. The same patience I have to attempt to have so I don’t go nuts about the boots and jacket that are en route to me through the postal system is the same patience I have to try to hold on to when looking at my body and being upset I don’t see changes to it despite having made changes to my eating and/or exercising.

I have to attempt to be realistic about the process. I can’t expect the boots or jacket to show up on my doorstop the next day just like I can’t expect my body to be instantly slimmer and toned because I made changes to my diet and exercise regime last month. The changes that have begun are internal, I’m sure my innards are getting healthier even if my outer body isn’t showing much difference.

Something else I have to remember is to stop being so hard on myself when I don’t see those changes right away. I am impatient. I want to wake up tomorrow and look exactly how I want to look even though I know that is impossible, I’m sick of working at it, fighting for it, I want the results to be here already. When I look in the mirror and see the results aren’t here yet I start to call myself names, put myself down, think poorly of myself. I judge myself more harshly then anyone else ever could, I know all the right buttons to push, all the best mean comments to make, all the areas I am most sensitive about to criticize. I am my worst critic. I am my meanest judge. I am my biggest doubter.

And I have to stop that.

I have to trust that I will get there, that one day I will look in a mirror and like what I see, or at least not hate it. Just like I know the boots and jacket will eventually arrive I have to have faith that the changes I am working for will eventually be visible. Otherwise I’ll spend my whole adult life hating my body and that is just a waste of my time. ๐Ÿ˜›

Different Mirror Different View

20 Apr
what does she really see?

what does she really see?

Sometimes I really hate mirrors, specific mirrors, meeeean mirrors! lol I don’t look the same in all mirrors and I am never sure if it is my perception of myself that is different or the actual reflection in the mirror…I’m leaning towards the actual reflection with a hint of bias on my side coming in to play, but just a hint! ๐Ÿ˜‰

A good example of this is a mirror at work, I pass by this mirror multiple times a shift and I never, and I really mean Never look good in this mirror. I think this mirror hates me! *pout* I always look shorter and fatter in this mirror then I think I should. And yes, sigh, I am aware that this mirror could be showing me the truth and how I think I look is twisted and wrong but I’m pretty sure I generally think of myself as looking worse then how I actually look so why would things be the opposite with this one mirror? I have a similar style of mirror at home and I generally look well, not good cause I don’t think I can be classified that high on the looks category yet, but semi decent in it…depending on the outfit and time of day that is! lol Don’t look at me funny, you know you look thinner before you’ve had breakfast and taller in the morning then in the evening. I always look better in my mirror when I am getting ready to go out then when I have just come home lol ๐Ÿ˜›

Since my mirror at home and this mirror at work are so similar I’m not sure if I am delusional about thinking I look ok in my mirror or if the mirror at work is defective in some way…like those mirrors at fair grounds that are warped, maybe this mirror is slightly warped? Is that possible?…hmm…I’m gonna lean towards the answer being yes ๐Ÿ˜‰

There was a whole entire wall of mirrors a couple weeks back that practically gave me a panic attack about the size of my ass, lol, it’s kind of funny now but at the time I could hardly stop looking at my reflection in horror and wondering what the hell happened to give me such a booty! Seriously, those mirrors, I had some definite booty action happenin, and while it (thankfully!) looked perky and well rounded I couldn’t believe it was so, well, large! Not like it is easy to see your own ass so I kept wondering if that is what it really looks like and if so why hadn’t anybody ever told me?? My friend who was also there, when I pointed out the reflection in the mirror, seemed shocked at how big it looked and said that those mirrors mess with everyone so not to worry about it, they don’t tell the truth. I am trying really hard to take her word on that since she spends a lot of time in that room but I still can’t get that image out of my head. *rolls eyes*

Isn’t it amazing how many different reflective surfaces there are that we encounter in a day, and how differently they show us what we look like? I expect mirrors to be the most honest reflection of myself, after all, it is a mirror, but you can get great shots of yourself in glass walls, shadows, fronts of ovens/microwaves, bus stop shelters, phone screens…all over really. So, with so many options to choose from, and with most of those options giving different results, which do we trust? Any of them? Some of them? The ones we like the results of best? The ones we hate the results of most? I dunno. shrug. Guess we just have to look at the reflection shown and use some kind of hopefully not too biased judging skills to decide if what we see is right or not…piece of cake! Said no one ever! ๐Ÿ˜‰

What I need to work on is not letting that evil mirror at work ruin my mojo for the day once I have seen myself in it. I’ll go to work in a cute dress, thinking I look ok, I’ll get compliments on the dress by enough people I figure it must look good, then I pass that stupid mirror and poof! all of a sudden I am shorter and rounder and wondering why all those people are lying to me about how I look in the dress. And yes, I am aware of how lame that is thanks. ๐Ÿ˜› But we are taught to believe what we see right? So, how can I not believe what I see in that mirror? Well, I haven’t figured out how to not believe that mirror but you can bet your last nickel I will figure it out! And if I ever figure out the secret on how to not believe the reflection of a mean mirror I’ll pass it on to you cause maybe I am not the only one being fooled by these things…?

 

Celebrate! woohoo!

12 Mar

30.8! thirty decimal eight! trente virgule huit! This is how much weight I have lost in total as of today!! I made it to the thirties! ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€

I lost exactly 1 pound this week, yah! ๐Ÿ˜€

Soooo yeah, today has totally rocked. lol. How could it not?

My miniย treat to myself was a new pair of work pants if I hit 30lbs lost but shopping costs money and I don’t have that right now so instead I am going to treat myself with a perogy dinner lol. Not as exciting as a new pair of pants but hey, it’s something! And next week I will buy the pants. ๐Ÿ™‚

Not much has happened today, besides my crazed happy dance after I saw the number on the scale, lol, I have been totally up in self esteem today which is always nice. And yeah, I know! I shouldn’t base my self esteem on my looks but uh, hello? Do you live in this society?

I may act all confident an stuff but a huge part of my self esteem is based on my looks and feeling confident in how others see me. The more weight I lose the better I am feeling about myself and the image I project to others. I wonder what I will feel about myself when I have reached my final weight loss goal…I’ll probably have to find some new way to keep my self esteem high once that happens cause even I can’t maintain high self esteem solely based on my looks…I’m shallow but not that shallow lol. ๐Ÿ˜›

I Threaded!

17 Jan

Have you ever heard of threading your eyebrows? You probably have, it’s just as popular as waxing and everyone has heard of that! Well, I have always gotten my eyebrows waxed at Aveda – it costs $15 + tax + tip…it can add up quickly and isn’t that a silly thing to spend so much money on, I mean…eyebrows? When I mentioned this to a friend at work she looked stunned and said I was crazy spending so much and she directed me to a place that does threading for $5 no tax. Sweet huh? So instead of going to Zumba tonight I went and got my eyebrows threaded…quite the odd sensation but my eyebrows are lookin pretty smokin. lol.

Why did I go get my eyebrows done instead of going to Zumba? On the surface it looks like my priorities got screwed and I am not focusing so much on my weight loss…this couldn’t be farther from the truth, I am still thinking about it all the time and constantly working on my eating plans to make sureย I hit my points everyday but my pneumonia is lingering and no way would I last even ten minutes in the Zumba class…sad as it is my lungs just wouldn’t be able to handle it…I feel so old. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

So instead I went and beautified myself a little bit. It’s just as important to take care of the outside in terms of grooming as it is to take care of the inside by eating right and exercising. Cause sure, as we lose weight our innards are getting healthier and our overall body shape is looking better but we have to take care of the rest of us – make all of us look good. ๐Ÿ™‚ This in turn will help boost self esteem and make the hard weeks where the weight loss isn’t so great easier to handle. ๐Ÿ˜€ and hey, it only cost $5 + tip!

So what did I eat today?

29 grams Honey Bunches of Oats with Pecan Bundles = 2 points

1/2 cup 1% milk = 1 point

1 banana = 1 point

1 cup carrot soup = 2 points

1 piece toast = 1 point

1 babybell = 1 point

1 Activia yogurt = 2 points

1 whole wheat wrap = 2 points

2 slices turkey = 0.5 points

1 tbls light miracle whip = 0 points

2 cheese slices = 2 points

3/4 cup baked yam = 2 points

25 grams dates = 1.5 points

1 thinsations Fudge dipped bar = 2 points

Total points eaten is exactly 20 – yah! I have had so much trouble eating my points lately, last week it seemed I either underate or overate I never hit my points and stuck there so today is a total win! ๐Ÿ˜€ I hit my points and did something to help me feel pretty, can’t beat that – especially when you’re sick! lol

Battle of the Hunger Pangs

16 Jul

Ooooooh the hunger pangs; I feelย  like my stomach is slowly (and painfully!) eating itself because it is deprived. lol. I don’t feel deprived with my diet normally; I eat a lot of fruit and veggies and I am getting better at eating protein but for some reason today I was hungry. I wanted to snack earlier then usual after meals and I wanted to eat larger meals then what I measured out.

If I had a hungry day like this before I started my weight loss regime I would have went out for lunch whenย at work and bought something large and not healthy and then come home and made a package of Sidekicks pasta and then eaten the entire package! Oh, and I would have partaken of all the available junk food at work too. I would have felt horrible at the end of the day and would have belittled myself; my head would have been filled with thoughts about how I deserve how I look because look at what I eat! It would have been a very low self esteem day; what’s scary is I wouldn’t have realized how wrong that behaviour was. Not even just the over eating and making poor food choice behaviour but the way I would have treated myself, the thoughts I would have had towards myself, the self loathing and disgust, the way I would have let my self esteem plummet all because of what I put in my mouth. The way I was silently giving up.

This weight loss is a war and in a war there are a lot of small battles; what’s that saying “they may have won this battle but I am going to win the war” – well, I am going to win this battle and win the war! This particular battle is my hungry day; I know that tomorrow will be better, that I won’t be hungry all the time and following my eating plan will be easier but getting through the rest of today is going to be hard. I still have some points left so that’s good; I will have to figure out the best choice for what to eat as an evening snack – it will have to be filling and fit in to my remaining 5 points, totally do-able! I also have to find a way to get my mind off my hunger!

So far today I have eaten:

3/4 cup Red Berry Special K = 2 points

1/2 cup 1% milk = 1 point

1 banana = 2 points

1/2 cup Maple Flavoured baked beans = 2 points

2 cut up baby potatoes = 0.5 points

1 piece toast = 1 point

1 cup blueberries = 1 point

1 cup grapes = 1 point

1 hamburger patty = 4 points

3 baby potatoes = 0.5 points

carrots = 0 points

1 Kraft cheese slice = 1 point

2 cups kettle corn = 3 points

So, my math up above was incorrect, I used 19 points so far so I have 4 points left. I had forgotten to add in my cheese slice, oops! That actually makes me happier, I am going to have a frozen fruit bar from M&M Meat Shop and two pieces of fruit, that’s 4 points and lots of food so hopefully it will keep my tummy happy for the rest of the night. All I need is to get through tonight, I know tomorrow will be better, easier, this is just a testing day – something to see if I have the willpower to stick with my plan and I’ll be damned if I am gonna crack and not make it!

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