Mirrors are Eeeevil!

15 Jul

Sometimes I feel like I live my life moving from one mirror to another. I get up and immediatly look at myself in the bathroom mirror…it’s never a pretty sight. lol. Bed head, rumpled pjs, squinty eyes…and of course the disturbing size that is me. I spend a decent amount of time every morning looking at myself from all angles and critiquing…bigger? smaller? any toning happening? Turn to the side, suck in, push out…how much weight do I need to lose until I can look good when sucking in? How is my arm flab? Hmm…could be better. I finally push it to the back of my mind and get on with my getting ready routine. Once I am dressed for work a shorter less odd version of this happens. lol. Get in front of the mirror, turn to the side, how’s my ass? anything too tight? anything snagging on something it shouldn’t snag on? how do I look when I suck in? With that charming wonderfulness done I get on with my day. 🙂

I get in the car and at some point check myself out in the rearview mirror – I can delude myself some mornings and say I am only looking cause my eye has a twitch and I think something may be in it but really, I need to have one last check at my makeup and hair. 😛 Once at work I am mirror free for a while…until I have to go to the washroom, then I have to confront The Mirror From Hell. It is evil I swear! I may have a morning at home where I think I look alright, not so bad, decent even…I get to work, take one look in that mirror and all those thoughts are shredded, that mirror makes me look short, frumpy, overly round in all the wrong places, my clothes don’t fit right when I look in that mirror…it’s all bad! I don’t get it. I don’t like it, and it always makes me feel badly about myself…yes my self esteem is very much wrapped up in how I look, deal with it. lol.

There is  one mirror that I like, it is at Aveda on Robson St., they only show you from torso up so no having to see my tummy or ass when shopping, phew, lol, but you get a good clear look at your face…since they are trying to sell you face and hair stuff makes sense you can see yourself. I was there yesterday and couldn’t stop looking at myself in the mirror, my face looked…brace for it…thin…thin! Can you believe it?! I moved my hair around, tried out different angles, no matter what I did my face look awesome. Almost pretty. It left me with a happy little glow the whole rest of the evening because I kept thinking “when people look at me, they see that thin face I saw in the mirror”. This glow lasted until I went to the washroom after the movie, saw myself in that mirror and I just looked like my normal self…for a while tho it was great. 🙂

I know we shouldn’t base all our self-worth on how we look; and despite what I just wrote I actually don’t, I can manage to push away my thoughts about how I look and function just fine but a mirror can have a huge impact on how I feel about myself. It’s not like you can avoid mirrors, sure in your own place you could but once out in public there are so many ways to see your reflection. I check myself out on the Skytrain in the windows to make sure my hair is ok, I look at store window reflections to make sure my clothes look alright and to gauge how I look in my outfit, heck, I use the reflection I can see in the face of my iPod touch to see if my makeup is still smudge free and I go absolutley nowhere without a little pocket sized mirror…just in case. Was it always like this? Were people always so vain? And is it really vanity? I think of vanity as someone who is obsessed with their looks because they think they look so hot, I am obsessed but because I think I look not good most of the time and want to make sure I haven’t somehow gotten worse looking since that last mirror check. Healthy? No way! Gonna stop anytime soon? Probably not. shrug.

Since losing my 3.6 pounds (in 2 weeks – insert happy dance here!) I sometimes think I look different; I know in actuality I don’t look different, I think it is more my mental perception of how I look. Because I know I have lost weight and am eating healthy and working towards a greater weight loss I am starting to feel better about myself, I have more confidence in how I look and how I move through my little corner of the world because I know that sure I don’t look great now but I am going to look great soon-ish. Gradually, those mirrors will show me something more pleasing, an image I actually want to see but will that really make a difference in how I see myself? Or will I lose weight and still only see the flaws? Still be desperate to change certain things because I think that is all people see when they look at me?

These aren’t questions that can be answered right now; I won’t have answers for them until I have lost more weight and actually do look different. For all I know I will lose 20 pounds, be so happy with how I look at that stage and say “screw it” to continuing trying to lose more weight and just maintain. Or I could lose 45 pounds and still be miserable because I still haven’t learned how to be happy and self-confident in way that is not directly related to how I look. I hope I end up in the middle of those two – lose the 45 pounds and be self-confident and happy with how I look. I am a perfectionist though and can totally see myself as that person who lost a bunch of weight, got all toned and still only sees what needs to be tweaked. But alas, I won’t know for a while so I think I should stop worrying about it…I also think I need to look in Aveda mirrors more and the one at work less! 😀

Today I ate:

3/4 cup Red Berry Special k = 2 points

1/2 cup 1% milk = 1 point

1 banana = 2 points

1/2 cup baked beans = 2 points

1 piece of toast = 1 point

1 cup blueberries =1 point

1 cup grapes = 1 point

1 cup mashed yams = 3 points

mixed veggies = 0 points

1 Salmon Steak herb and garlic = 3 points

1 cup 1% milk = 2 points

2 Maple Cookies = 4 points

That puts me at 22 points, I know, I know, my total is s’posed to be 23 and this is what, day three of not reaching my total? eek. It is almost 10pm tho and I don’t want to eat anymore. I meant to have fruit with my cookies n milk to use up that last point and got so caught up in typing this I didn’t go get it, oops. You’d think I’d know better by now! lol.

My lunch was smaller then I intended; I forgot my Laughing Cow cheese at home this morning so all I took was the beans and fruit. It wasn’t so bad, I got peckish in the afternoon but ate the grapes and was alright and I made dinner right when I got home so that prevented any starved sensations. lol. The dinner was really yummy, this is a different flavour of salmon steak from last time and I think I like this one better. 🙂 This salmon was also from M&M Meat Shops; so cheap, yummy and quick to cook! There are a lot more flavours to try so I will keep you posted; I will definitly tell you if any of them are gross! 🙂

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