Tag Archives: fear

A Whole Pint

12 Sep

I do not donate blood. Why? Because I don’t really think about it and when the option is waved in my face I retreat due to a fear of needles.

Why would I donate blood when others do, others who do not practically hyperventilate when a needle is aimed for their arms?

Well, a card came in the mail about 4 days ago and it was about donating blood, it was saying the normal things those advertisements always say, about how they need more donors, not enough blood blah blah blah.

For some reason, instead of immediately tossing the card out and forgetting about it I kept it and the idea of donating blood bounced around in my head for a couple of days.

I realized not donating blood because I am scared of needles is a stupid reason to not donate.

We all need blood, duh, and who knows when something might happen and I will be the person needing the transfusion instead of being the person healthy enough to donate? I am not sick now but that doesn’t mean I won’t become sick, it doesn’t mean I won’t be in an accident, it doesn’t mean a thousand different things won’t happen to me in the next twenty minutes that will make me the person in need. And how could I, in good conscience, accept blood when I have never had the decency to donate some.

It’s like taking food from the food bank when you’ve never donated to it. Or like accepting help from the government if I lose my job but never having my previous pay cheques tithed so I contributed to the pot. It’s like getting someone to drive me places when I am injured but never helping them when they need a hand.

See where I am going with this?

I believe in balance and you can’t have balance without Give and Take, emphasis on the Give since it is always more important to give than take…imo.

Also, and this is my selfish reason for donating, what better way to over come a fear than to purposefully expose myself to it?

Sure I have had needles poked in to me over the years, but this, donating, allowing myself to be jabbed with a needle when there is no benefit to me…I’d say that might help me get over my fear…maaaaaybe…

My experience went as well as can be expected I suppose, every one there was really nice, they put a sticker on me saying I was a first time donor so that at every stage things would be explained to me in more detail since I had no idea what the hell was going on lol I also got a sticker at the end saying something along the lines of “be kind to me, I donated blood today”

My stickers

My stickers

Apparently I am still a child at heart because I enjoyed getting the stickers lol ๐Ÿ˜›

I got a finger jab (props to any diabetics out there who have to do that daily cause that sucked!) and my hemoglobin level was juuuuust barely enough to allow me to donate, looks like I should eat things with more iron in them, oh the things you learn. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Then I answered a loooong list of questions. Then I got taken to a private room where a bunch of questions were read out loud to me by a very kind nurse, these were the more sensitive questions, mostly having to do with sex, and STI’s and, well, that’s mostly it…Then I got taken to the refreshment area because I made a mistake in not eating prior to going to my appointment so I had to eat cookies to get my blood sugar levels up before they would take my blood. Maybe the sugar in the cookies makes it tastier? teehee

So oh the horrors I had to eat two Peek Freans Creme Cookies…Mmm cookies!

Peek Freans 2

Oh, I also got a mango juice box. ๐Ÿ™‚

Then I got sat in a waiting area where I watched some food cooking show that was mildly interesting but by this point I was thinking about one thing and one thing only…needles! A nurse brought me this…

Aaahhhhh medical stuff!

Aaahhhhh medical stuff!

…medical stuff! Scary looking medical stuff! Don’t give me this stuff, I don’t want to see what my blood will be going in to!

Ok, deep breath, it’s all good… ๐Ÿ˜‰

I basically ignored that pile of stuff and focused completely on the tv screen, that medical stuff no longer existed in my world, my world was a stupid cooking show because I knew the next step would be involving hooking me up to a needle and my fake calm was starting to crack. Yes I am aware I am a wimp.

Jump off a cliff? Sure, no prob! Get jabbed by a needle? Umm, let me go hide in a corner k? *rolls eyes* I’m an embarrassment to humanity, sigh.

After a little while I got taken to a super comfy lounging type chair thing, the friendliest lady cleaned my arm for 30 seconds (for real, she timed it an everything!) then I got stabbed with the biggest needle in the world! What the hell??!?! I’m used to small needles and didn’t even for a moment think the needle used for blood donation would not be a small needle but oh boy, it was nothing even close to the word small. Nope. Nuh-uh. Huuuuge! When it was facing towards me I could see down the inside of it! Who the hell makes a needle so big?! That can’t be normal!

Now, for all that I am scared of needles I have to watch when they are jabbed in to me, so I watched as the worlds largest needle was put in my arm and then left there. Left there! I mean yeah, ok, I knew it was going to stay in my arm, like an IV, but I thought the needle would be the size of an IV needle so this was a little freaky to see. The poor nurse she had to talk me through taking some deep breaths so I wouldn’t have a total freak out lol She did a good job of it too! It helped when she covered the needle with some gauze so I couldn’t see it anymore lol Didn’t stop me from staring transfixed like a cat at a mouse hole on the tubing that had my blood flowing through it…

There it goes...my blood...out of me and in to a bag...

There it goes…my blood…out of me and in to a bag…

Turns out I bleed quickly…which I guess is a good thing to know in case I am ever stabbed, I now know I have less time than others might to stop the flow of blood before I’ll bleed out cause yeah, that blood of mine just hot footed it out of the hole in my arm and filled the bag super fast. Which is probably for the best since about 15 seconds after the needle was in my arm the only thought filling my head was

“oh my god, there is a needle in my arm! get it out! get it out! get it out!”

That basically just kept repeating itself over and over and over until the lady came to take it out, then the screaming voice promptly changed to…

“oh my god she is going to take out the needle! it’s gonna hurt! it’s gonna hurt! it’s gonna hurt!”

And uh yeah, it did hurt, fyi.

After sitting for five minutes pressing down on the gaping hole in my arm so it would clot I got a bulky bandage made of gauze and was taken back to the refreshment area where I got more juice and cookies…a package of mini chocolate chip this time, Mmm!

That bandage is juuuust as uncomfie as it looks, sigh.

That bandage is juuuust as uncomfie as it looks, sigh.

Aaaaand then I spent the rest of the day with a headache, tired but unable to nap, and feeling kind of wobbly…like I had been working out and hit muscle exhaustion, only all I had done was donate blood.

I didn’t realize how much donating a pint of blood would physically affect me, I was told not to work out or do anything physical for 6-8 hours but even by that 8 hour mark I wasn’t up to doing anything, so I didn’t! I sat and watched tv and YouTube and cuddled with the cat (who I swear knew something was up cause he was even more cuddly with me lol) and basically just chilled.

I am not allowed to donate blood again for 56 days, which miiiight just be enough time for me to forget the fear, and the size of the needle, and the horror, and remember only the happiness of the cookies and mango juice…maybe… ๐Ÿ˜‰


10 Sep

My Bikram Yoga teacher said this the other day and I really like it…

FEAR is…


Everything (is going to be)




Something to remember when you’re facing something that scares you! ๐Ÿ™‚

The Next Level

12 May

You always hear talk about going to “the next level” like it’s this big amazing goal we should all have and if you don’t at some point reach it well, then you suck lol. There is so much pressure when you say you are losing weight, pressure to be perfect everyday, pressure to have an amazing story super fast that can wow people, pressure to make it to that next level…whatever that level might be.

To be honest, I didn’t think I had a next level, I have my level, the level of H. ๐Ÿ˜‰ lol I didn’t see what was wrong with that. I’m not an athlete, I’m not training to compete in some huge iron man competition, I’m not trying to prove to others how strong I am or how skinny I can get (well, ok, except for my agent, I have to prove to her how skinny I can get since she’s ordered me to lose another 20lbs but that’s a whole different can of worms lol). I’m not trying to find some elusive next level, I like my level. *stomps foot*

The only problem with my level is that it wasn’t getting me anywhere, stupid level, grr! ๐Ÿ˜‰ I didn’t know it but I wasn’t exercising effectively so the time I spent in the gym was not as productive as it could have been, in some ways it was even counter productive! Lame! Also, the food I was eating wasn’t giving me the needed fuel to accomplish what I wanted *rolls eyes* Oy!

Well, once I learned the eating plan and exercise plan I am now on I was taught more about levels, ah geez, it’s like you can’t get away from them. On this exercise plan you can’t just coast on one level, every week you are pushing to get better, by better I mean stronger, faster, more flexible. My endurance should be increasing, my muscle strength should be increasing, the types of weight work I do should be getting changed…let’s just say there are a lot of freakin levels to keep track of!

Even though I hate cardio I have been preferring my cardio days because at least on those days I for sure know what I am doing and am not so worried about fucking something up…by something I mean me! lol ๐Ÿ˜› ย I know I’ve mentioned my cardio before but just as a recap here is what I do:

20 minutes of running on a treadmill, set the treadmill to an incline of 1 – 2 to stimulate being outside (I started at 1 and am now at 2), jog for 3 minutes (I start at a fast walk for 30 seconds, then go to a light jog for a minute then a slightly faster jog for the remainder of that 3 minutes), then you sprint like a crazy person for 30 seconds, then you jog for 1.5 minutes, then you sprint like a crazy person for 30 seconds, then you jog for 1.5 minutes…tell me you see the pattern here and I don’t have to keep writing those same two sentences over an over? You sprint a total of 8 times, after the 8th sprint you cool down, sooooooo back to a light jog and eventually down to a walk. Now, for pacing, my jogging started out at a speed of 4 (sorry, I’m blanking if the machine measures in miles or km…) and my sprints started out at 8, but! you don’t do all your sprints at just one speed, oh no no no no no, cause see, that would be not pushing to the next level! You do a couple sprints at 8, then do some at 8.5 then maybe your 8th sprint is a 9…something like that. Every cardio day you have to at least match the sprint speeds you did the last cardio day but what you are really supposed to do is get better, so maybe swap out an 8 for an 8.5 or an 8.5 for a 9, get the idea?

Now that you see where I started let me tell ya where I’ve been stuck at. And boy do I mean stuck! I now do my light jog at 5.5 or 6 and my sprints are divided into 4 sprints at a speed of 9 and 4 sprints at a speed of 9.5…and that is it. I’ve been there forever! Every time I have a cardio day I swear I am gonna increase one of those sprints, either do 5 at 9.5 or maybe swap out a 9.5 for a 10…10 is like an elusive goal for me. It’s so freakin close but juuuust far enough away I can’t do it yet, so annoying! Well, everytime I get on that treadmill and swear I am gonna up my sprints I just can’t do it, I don’t have the stamina, the endurance, the capability, the elusive whatever the hell it is you need to get you to that next level. I was barely making it through the sprints I was already at and I knew if I tried to go at a speed of 10 I’d fall off the treadmill, I also knew if I did 5 sprints at 9.5 I’d not make it through the last one and I personally think it’s better to make it through all the sprints then have to jump to the side rails before the end of the 30 second sprint time cause your legs can’t keep going or you’re gonna fall or ya know, just expire right there from sheer over exertion. lol

Now, having said all that, I actually made it to dun-dun-dun: The Next Level!!!! *ding!ding!ding!*

My last cardio day which was Wednesday I was soooo not in the mood to be dealing with any aspect of life, let alone the working out part of it. I didn’t want to be there, I couldn’t bring myself to care, I was tired and had eaten very poorly the day before so I felt icky, I was full of excuses and reasons to not go…and yet, somehow I found myself in the gym on the treadmill…I’m still not really sure how I managed to get my butt there but right now I don’t care, I’m just glad I went. ๐Ÿ™‚

I wasn’t even planning to attempt bettering my sprints, frankly, I was prepared to be impressed if I managed my run at all lol. Well, somewhere during the third sprint I thought “meh, fuck it, might as well try doing 5 at 9.5 instead of the normal 4 at 9.5” and that is what I did. My fourth sprint was at 9.5 and so were all the rest after that. I upped my sprints! wOOt! ๐Ÿ˜€ *happy dance* While I was doing it I was a mixture of “am I actually doing this??” and “meh, I don’t care, just get it done so you can go back home and get away from people”

I think what got me over that line to My Next Level was not caring, the apathy, the complete lack of fear regarding my possible failure to succeed. Normally I am so focused when running and my brain is calculating everything my body is doing and feeling to try to figure out if I can push to the next level of sprints that I don’t just let go and try. I don’t trust my body to be able to perform at the next level, I don’t trust it to not fail. I’ve had my knee collapse under me due to over training and it took a year to be able to walk without a cane or crutches or some sort of aid, it took even longer to be able to take stairs and jog and then run, hell, I still limp sometimes from that stupid injury. I am terrified to go back to that spot, to be so injured I can’t walk, to be that helpless again. Combine that fear with the more normal fear of just not accomplishing what I decide to attempt and without my even realizing it I had crippled my ability to get to My Next Level.

Fear…it is such a little word for such a strong, over powering emotion. I hate that I let fear have any control over my exercising and yet, it does, it has a strong crushing grasp on my exercising because anytime I do something that strains my knee and could cause me to reinjure myself I take a half step back mentally and try to find a way to minimize the risk, but maybe the risk doesn’t always need to be minimized. Maybe my knee is already stronger then I give it credit for? Hell, it was only last summer I started being able to jog again and look at me now? I run freakin sprints! I may not have kicked fear in the teeth and made it get out of my way, but I think getting to my next level of sprints has at least helped me nudge it to the side a bit… ๐Ÿ™‚

From Sadness to Fear to Anger to Self Medication

14 Mar

Have you ever noticed how fear makes us do weird things? We all react to it differently and a situation that intellectually isn’t that big of a deal grows so huge in our headsย we freak out.

There’s legit fear; like what those in Japan have been feeling for days – earthquake, tsunami and now failing power plants, they are probably wondering what is going to happen next, I know I am.

But there is another fear, fear on a personal level about all kinds of things. Fear of embarassment, fear caused by your pride, fear of illness, pain, poverty…

The type I felt today was fear of change.

Normally I spout on about the greatness that is change – change your hairstyle, wardrobe, food, always try something new when you have the chance, always choose the thing you haven’t done yet because change makes you grow…and growth is all kinds of good! ๐Ÿ˜€

Sometimes though something changes that throws you, something you never really thought about changing and therefore didn’t prepare for.

All my talk about loving change and today I was knocked back a step, reminded how replaceable I am, how in this large company I am no more important then a background person on a movie set – I am aย breathing prop.

Nobody wants to be that; nobody wants to think their manager will just trade them to a different section of the company without any advance notice, a question about if you want to go…hell, a hint?!

Today I got pulled aside and told I am being switched to a different department, my work load is being redistributed to those I have to leave behind and the contents of my desk will be moved to a new section.

Now sure, it could be worse. At least I know on a friendly lunch room sociable level those I’ll be working with but I don’t even know what they do let alone whatย I will be doing.

A person I trained who recently got traded over to this same departmant will now be training me – ah, see how pride can rear it’s ugly head?

So, let’s recap my emotions of the day since my being told of my shift at work:

(1) shock, surprise (2) sadness at not getting to sit near my friend, at being booted out of the department I have been in for so long, at having to move where I sit (3) bit more shock when I fully realized how replaceable I am (4) fear about my new job, new area I will be sitting in, people I will be sitting with, what will be expected of me, fear of the unknown (5) anger at myself for being so weak and whiny I would be scared over a change as insignificant as this

So how does all this connect to my weight loss? Cause we all know I have to link everything back to that at some point…lol

Simple, my overly emotional day (mostly, well, ok, all negative emotions) put me on a roller coaster I am not good at riding. Some people self medicate with alcohol, cigarettes, drugs of some sort…I use food. *rolls eyes* So that is what I did today for dinner…I stopped at Panago Pizza on the way home and ordered a personal sized beef taco pizza with jalapeno ranch dipping sauce and I also got the dessert bread sticks…cause the pizza isn’t bad enough apparently.

Hey, sure, it’s not a good way to deal with what happened but it could’ve been worse! I could have followed through with my original plan to hit up a liquor store, so there! ๐Ÿ˜› Least the calories I took in were food related and there were some food groups in there (I get my pizza loaded with lettuce and tomato) instead of just inhaling empty calories on beer…lemme at least pretend there is a silver lining here ok?

The day started off well, I read up on the amount of servings expected per day for all the food groups and was well on my way of hitting the 6-8 fruit veggie servings we are supposed to get per day but yeah, I so failed that plan. sigh. Ah well, that’s what tomorrow is for…stupid emotions…see if I let you kick my butt next time! Grr!

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