Tag Archives: cheating

Carbs and Chocolate

18 Mar

All I have wanted this entire week is carbs and chocolate – and lemme tell ya, it’s been hard to resist the wanting…most of the time I haven’t resisted, I caved…no, not just caved, I jumped off the diving board marked willpower and cannon balled into a pool of liquid chocolate that had bread pieces for dipping. YUM! 😀 lol

I keep dipping a spoon in to my jar of Nutella and not writing it down in my tracker – after all, a little spoonful of Nutella doesn’t count right? HA! Maybe not that first spoonful but the multiple spoonfuls since then sure do add up! 😛

Part of me feels badly about my eating this week, I’ve been eating all kinds of bad-for-me foods and I am definitely scared for weigh in day tomorrow – oh man, that scale is gonna show such a not good number, I can feel it! Even though I feel a bit bad I don’t feel as crappy as one would expect – I think it’s cause it’s been such a shitty week and those various foods I ate are the only things that kept me sane.

What can I say – certain foods are classified “comfort foods” for a reason.

Monday: crap news at work about work – I had a personal sized pizza and dessert bread sticks for dinner.

Thursday: guy at work made a comment that made me feel  like I weigh 1000 lbs, I drank a small milkshake and over the course of the day ate 5 pancakes, 3 of which had nutella spread on them.

I baked cookies last Sunday and ate some everyday until they were completely gone, I believe the last day they were around was Tuesday – so that’s 3 days of eating cookies.

Friday (today): ate over my points deliberately cause I neeeeeded chocolate and couldn’t find a way to not eat it (admittedly, I didn’t try very hard to find a way to not eat it…hormones ya know?)

So, hmm, looking back, bad week? Yes! As bad as I feel it was? Oddly enough, No. Go fig. I thought I overate everyday and it looks like I didn’t, which is good, but the pizza and dessert breadsticks put me so far in to my flex points on Monday that really, I should have been uber careful the rest of the week to ensure I didn’t use all my flex points for the week. But yeah, I didn’t. Instead I was ruled by hormones and emotions and ate my feelings…

I used to do that a lot more often, eat my feelings I mean. If a day was good -celebrate with food. If a day was bad – make myself feel better with food. No matter what happened in a day I could find some “reason” to over eat or eat something that was really bad for me (usually fast food, oh how I miss McD’s lol) I have been trying to stop doing that but some days (weeks) I totally fall back in to the habit.

Also, I find if I have a day where I cave and eat something I shouldn’t (say, a cookie or pancakes with nutella on them) then the next day it’s even harder to not eat something on par with that treat. Like, I did it yesterday and didn’t combust so why can’t I eat it again today? I know in my head why I can’t treat myself like that everyday – long term I’d gain all my weight back, but in the moment it can be really hard to remember that.

So yeah, the week has sucked – on a personal front, a work front and a food front. 😦 Luckily, the week is over and I am fully expecting next week to be better – not cause I have some inside knowledge about next week, I am expecting it to be better because well, cause I say it will be! lol So there! 🙂

From Sadness to Fear to Anger to Self Medication

14 Mar

Have you ever noticed how fear makes us do weird things? We all react to it differently and a situation that intellectually isn’t that big of a deal grows so huge in our heads we freak out.

There’s legit fear; like what those in Japan have been feeling for days – earthquake, tsunami and now failing power plants, they are probably wondering what is going to happen next, I know I am.

But there is another fear, fear on a personal level about all kinds of things. Fear of embarassment, fear caused by your pride, fear of illness, pain, poverty…

The type I felt today was fear of change.

Normally I spout on about the greatness that is change – change your hairstyle, wardrobe, food, always try something new when you have the chance, always choose the thing you haven’t done yet because change makes you grow…and growth is all kinds of good! 😀

Sometimes though something changes that throws you, something you never really thought about changing and therefore didn’t prepare for.

All my talk about loving change and today I was knocked back a step, reminded how replaceable I am, how in this large company I am no more important then a background person on a movie set – I am a breathing prop.

Nobody wants to be that; nobody wants to think their manager will just trade them to a different section of the company without any advance notice, a question about if you want to go…hell, a hint?!

Today I got pulled aside and told I am being switched to a different department, my work load is being redistributed to those I have to leave behind and the contents of my desk will be moved to a new section.

Now sure, it could be worse. At least I know on a friendly lunch room sociable level those I’ll be working with but I don’t even know what they do let alone what I will be doing.

A person I trained who recently got traded over to this same departmant will now be training me – ah, see how pride can rear it’s ugly head?

So, let’s recap my emotions of the day since my being told of my shift at work:

(1) shock, surprise (2) sadness at not getting to sit near my friend, at being booted out of the department I have been in for so long, at having to move where I sit (3) bit more shock when I fully realized how replaceable I am (4) fear about my new job, new area I will be sitting in, people I will be sitting with, what will be expected of me, fear of the unknown (5) anger at myself for being so weak and whiny I would be scared over a change as insignificant as this

So how does all this connect to my weight loss? Cause we all know I have to link everything back to that at some point…lol

Simple, my overly emotional day (mostly, well, ok, all negative emotions) put me on a roller coaster I am not good at riding. Some people self medicate with alcohol, cigarettes, drugs of some sort…I use food. *rolls eyes* So that is what I did today for dinner…I stopped at Panago Pizza on the way home and ordered a personal sized beef taco pizza with jalapeno ranch dipping sauce and I also got the dessert bread sticks…cause the pizza isn’t bad enough apparently.

Hey, sure, it’s not a good way to deal with what happened but it could’ve been worse! I could have followed through with my original plan to hit up a liquor store, so there! 😛 Least the calories I took in were food related and there were some food groups in there (I get my pizza loaded with lettuce and tomato) instead of just inhaling empty calories on beer…lemme at least pretend there is a silver lining here ok?

The day started off well, I read up on the amount of servings expected per day for all the food groups and was well on my way of hitting the 6-8 fruit veggie servings we are supposed to get per day but yeah, I so failed that plan. sigh. Ah well, that’s what tomorrow is for…stupid emotions…see if I let you kick my butt next time! Grr!

I’m Delusional, sigh.

17 Feb

In my Tips n Tricks page I say never ever ever eat something you can’t calculate the points for because you’ll trick yourself about just how bad that food is for you…the easiest person to lie to is yourself. I stand by this at all times but joy-of-joys I managed to lie/trick/delude myself this evening thereby providing me with a blog topic 😛 and a supreme sense of stupidity/failure. sigh.

The day started off well, I kept to my points, ate healthy – sure I felt like I was starving to death in the afternoon but I ate some carrots and dealt with it. Even with being oh so hungry when I got home I managed to cook a yummy healthy dinner – you’d think if I was gonna cheat on my points it’d be then but nope…here is a pic of what I made…

Teriyaki Salmon Steak, Wild Rice and Mixed Veggies

Ok, so not the best picture out there but hey, I am not a photographer – pictures aren’t my talent! 😛 That is my super delish low point dinner that I had tonight and after I ate I realized I had a chunk of  points left and was still quite hungry so I got a treat of light peanut butter on bread…man I love peanut butter. 😛

Here is where the delusion started, sigh, back for Christmas a friend of mine that lives in Australia sent me some candy from there that you can’t get here, one of the items was a Cherry Ripe chocolate bar – it’s coconut with cherries covered in dark chocolate, so, like a Bounty bar but with the added cherry flavour. I didn’t think I would like it cause generally I don’t like cherry flavoured things but I looooove coconut and dark chocolate so instead of grabbing a jaffa bar (which is 3 points) I decided to open the cherry chocolate bar. *rolls eyes*

Here are the lies I told myself to convince myself it would be ok to eat the chocolate bar (1) a jaffa bar is 3 points and this chocolate bar is practically the same size (it’s not, it’s almost twice as long but half as thin so I thought that made up for it) (2) I don’t have any way to calculate the points which means I’ll hafta guess anyways so why not guess tonight (3) I won’t like it so a nibble of it won’t hurt, then I’ll throw it away and finally (4) well, I didn’t really have a fourth, I just grabbed it and opened. sigh.

I had 2 points left for the day, the jaffa bar would have put me 1 point over because it is 3 points but I was willing to go over by 1 point but, sigh, that chocolate bar was 5 points, 5!!! So, that is 3 points over, 3 whole flex points used on a chocolate bar!!!

See how we lie to ourselves?!?! I managed to convince myself that chocolate bar wouldn’t be so bad for me, it woudn’t use anymore flex points then the jaffa bar, it wouldn’t make me feel like crap for essentially cheating on a diet that is supposed to not need cheating on cause you can eat anything (ha!) – I lied/tricked/deluded myself all cause I was (1) lazy and didn’t want to take that whole 30 second effort to figure out the points online (2) felt like chocolate and couldn’t bring myself to care all that much where I got it from and (3) convinced myself that I ate so well the rest of the day I deserved a treat. Argh!

I didn’t deserve a treat, I have used flex points every frickin day this week! well, almost everyday, I have used around 12 flex points this week and that is practically a record for me when there was no big meal, no special day, no reason to have a treat. The way I acted with food this week goes against how I have held myself accountable during this journey. My rules (and these are the way I choose to follow the program, they are obviously not for everybody) are to never use flex points, not unless I absolutely have to – and really, why would I absolutely have to? I shouldn’t! But things do come up, accidents in counting are made, days where you feel like you are being starved happen – so in my world, flex points are for those days. They are not so on a daily basis I can have a little treat, if I can’t eat a food within my daily points then I don’t eat it…well, until this week apparently. sigh.

Oh, and to make it worse, did I exercise this week? Nope. Sure, I was sick, but you know what, that just means that I be more careful with eating cause I had no exercise to balance it out with…but as we already know, I was not more careful, I was less careful then ever. *rolls eyes*

So beware all those trying to lose weight…don’t take the lazy way out, calculate your points if you’re on Weight Watchers, count your calories if that’s your thing, track however you track every single thing you eat cause if you eat it first and track it later you’re gonna wish your knees bent the opposite way so you could kick yourself in the ass for screwing up when you were doing decently well.

Crazy Days!

6 Feb

Talk about being thrown for a loop! A good loop but still a loop! lol. 😀

I had an appointment Saturday at 11:30am to get new headshots – yah! So Friday after work I was going to get my eyebrows cleaned up, buy a black cami (I discovered the day before mine is now way too big, sweet!), exfoliate, shave uber carefully, pack the clothes that I was taking to the photo shoot, give myself a mani pedi, retry on the outfits I was planning to wear and basically groom the evening away so I was as beautiful as possible Saturday…well, here’s the loop! I got a text Friday morning when I was at work informing me the shoot had to be moved and how was 4pm Friday for me?

Ack! Talk about freak out! For starters, I work till 4:30pm so can’t really be in two places at once…I’m just not that talented, go figure lol. After some back and forth I got it moved to 5pm and thanks to having an awesome team leader I was allowed to leave work at 12:30pm so I could do everything that needed doing and get to the shoot on time. You should’ve seen me! I left work 12:30pm on the dot then became a crazy person rushing to the eyebrow place, rushing to the clothes store, rushing to my place to take over the bathroom, rushing to pack then rushing to the studio. So much rushing!

I actually managed to get to the studio early so I sat in my suv and tried to relax. lol. Oh, and to top it all off once I got that text about the changing day/time for the shoot I stopped eating and drinking cause hello? I am fattest at the end of day cause of food and drink, and my teeth are slightly less white at the end of the day due to the tea I drink so yeah, I was rushing, stressed and under-fueled. lol. I didn’t feel hungry the entire time though cause of how rushed/stressed I was, so yah? lol.

The photo shoot went a-frickin-mazing! Sooooo much fun and the pictures came out great! The photographer did such an amazing job and so did the makeup lady. They made me so pretty! 🙂 I am taking the top 8 pics to work tomorrow to show peeps and put the top 14 on my facebook page so I can get feedback from friends and others in the acting community as to which is the best to use when agent hunting.

After the shoot was all over and I was leaving I realized I was really hungry, shocking huh? lol. I decided to treat myself and I ordered a personal sized beef taco pizza from Panago. I know that celebrating a great photo shoot by eating pizza isn’t the smartest thing to do but, I dunno, it’s habit I guess…and man, that pizza was gooooood! lol 😛

So Saturday was a much calmer day, lol, I slept in, met up with KL, we went for sushi, she went over the pictures that I printed from the shoot and helped me narrow the list down. To give some perspective for this, there were 178 picutes in total, I printed out 31 pictures, and now it’s narrowed down to 8…it’s hard to pick when there are so many choices but when going through the entire pile you kinda wish there were even more to pick from lol. Greedy huh?

I have no idea what kind of points I ate yesterday, what with the sushi, and then random things I ate after the sushi, shrug. I didn’t even try to count! Shocking!

Oh, and I didn’t weigh myself saturday cause that pizza I ate friday didn’t get eaten till almost 8:30pm so I figured it was still in my digestive track somewhere and I wouldn’t end up with a reliable weigh in number. I weighed myself today though and wOOt! The weight I gained after I got over being sick is now gone, and I lost a little bit extra, yah! I am now at 26.8lbs total lost. 😀 😀 😀 I’m kinda surprised cause of eating the pizza friday and then the sushi etc on saturday – I was kinda expecting to be the same or higher. Really, when I look back at the food I ate this week, it was a week full of little cheats that should have added up to disaster on the scale and yet, somehow, they didn’t…

However, I am not going to continue on the track of allowing myself little cheats everyday – this past week was some freakish anomoly that I am putting down to the stress I was feeling about the upcoming photo shoot but that is done and over and I ended up with great pics so now I must get myself back on track with my food. Can’t go screwing up all royal now can I? Nope! I can’t!

Today I ate my 20 points, no flex points for me! Sure, I didn’t eat all healthy stuff exactly – I mean, it’s the weekend, I slept in so I got to treat myself to a higher pointed first meal 😛 but I did eat lots of veggies and I had a salmon steak for dinner so I got myself some healthy protein…heck, I even got some calcium in there!

So the work week starts tomorrow, ugh, and so does my week of being strict with myself – it’s not that I won’t eat any flex points this week I just won’t use as many as last week and I will not eat something stupidly unhealthy just cause it is there (for example, that oh so yummy bbq pork bun I had last week, sigh…) This week will be all about balanced protein and veggies and healthy choices for every meal! Wonder how long that’ll last? lol. 😛

A Loooong 24 Hours

21 Jan

I feel like I have been on a two day bender – I should clarify, a two day food bender. lol. When I look objectively at what I ate over the past two days I don’t think it really counts as a bender exactly, but it sure wasn’t normal!

Let’s look at yesterday shall we? Yesterday some of us at work got treated to a belated Christmas lunch, at a nice restaurant where we could order whatever we want, yah! I decided before I even went that I wasn’t going to count my points, I would just order whatever. Mainly the reason I decided that was cause I scoped out the menu before the day and there ain’t nuthin healthy in the joint, lol. It’s not like the food was all battered and deep fried, it’s just got sauces and crusted this and battered that and well, more sauces. 😛 I decided on the halibut sandwich, not great for me but it could’ve been a lot worse and it sounded sooooo good. When we got there though the menu was slightly different then the one you can view online, weirdness, there were more options and some of the stuff had changed…for instance, the sandwich I wanted was now crunchy salmon and didn’t sound as good…oh, and apparently it is an appetizer and uber small…huh.

There were 5 of us and before I knew it they were ordering appetizers, it could have been worse, it wasn’t we each got an appie it was we got 3 and shared them, sigh…so I had a bite of calamari, one duck taco (yes, duck!) and we got the cheese pot which is this pot of super duper yummy melted cheese and cut toast on the side to dip. Yum! I had two 1/2 slices of toast so really, 1 piece of toast dipped in the cheese. My main dish was a miso turkey burger with asian bbq sauce and skinny string fries. That burger, wow! It was juicy, and tender and had excellent flavour. Mmm the sauce! It was on a, shoot, now the name of the bun has escaped me, it’s not a normal hamburger bun, it was better! I at least had the presence of mind to have them cut the burger in half before bringing it to me so I made a deal with myself, eat half the burger and at most half the fries and the meal can be counted as a success. 🙂

Seems simple right? I did eat only half the burger, and I had even less then half the fries BUT I ended up with dessert. OMG. What was I thinking? That dessert while being the cap on a truly amazing meal was so over the top it’s ridiculous! It’s the kind of restaurant where there’s no dessert menu, there is only one thing offered per day, whatever the chef felt like making that day…well yesterday he felt like making Chocolate Ganache Lave Cakes with berry compote and a huuuge scoop of vanilla ice cream. Holy crap. I think I gained 10lbs from dessert alone! I can’t remember the last time I had a dessert like that…wowza. 😀

That dessert though, as delicious as it was, man, I thought it was gonna kill me. *rolls eyes* By the third bite I knew I should stop eating it, it was just too much food and that specifically was way too much sugar for me…how sad is that? I am consoling myself by saying it was too much sugar cause I’m still getting over being sick and barely eating…it damn well better not be cause I don’t eat sweet stuff like that anymore and have now screwed myself for ever enjoying it again! That is a scary thought! Did I stop eating it though? Ha! Nope I did not. I kept thinking how it’s gonna be a very long time before I get anything like that again and on someone elses dime, well, hard to resist! I kept eating the lava cake, sigh, one mouthful after another of chocolate cake with chocolate sauce and some berry compote with just a tad bit of ice cream…yup, that is how I ate almost every bite of that dessert, with all the stuff on the spoon mixed. YUM! I can’t even describe how amazing all those flavours mixed together tasted in my mouth…if only there was a way to get all that yummy flavour without having to swallow and take in the calories…

this is the dessert that put me over the top...YUM!

So by the last bite of dessert I was feeling sick…the kind of sick you get when you ate way way way too much and you know digestion is gonna be a bitch. 😦 I so should have stopped eating before that point cause now when I think back to that meal all I remember is how much my digestive track hurt for (and I’m not even joking here) almost a full 24 hours. Yup, it took that long for my system to be able to sort out what I put in to it and be ok. Pathetic!

I didn’t eat anything else after that gorge fest yesterday, which really, I used so many points in that meal even if I had wanted to eat something else I couldn’t have afforded it lol. When I went to bed my gut was hurting but I figured it’s ok, I’ll wake up and it’ll feel fine…uh, no. It still hurt. Not as much, but close. I was a tad worried, wondering if my odd abdomenal pains from when I was sick were returning but it turned out to be me still digesting my food. lol. I didn’t eat lunch today until hmm, 1:30pm or so and I didn’t want it any earlier then that, I forced myself to eat some breakfast and that just made things worse so I waited till all the pain/discomfort were gone before attempting lunch lol.

I feel fine now, in case you are wondering, everything is all settled. 😀 BUT! I ate for lunch the other half of the turkey burger and the rest of the fries so I feel like I shouldn’t have eaten dinner cause no way that meal was anywhere close to good for me but I couldn’t resist eating dinner. I know I should have just had a salad with no dressing but alas, I had pancakes. lol. Yeah I know, pancakes? What makes it weirder is I bought the fixings to make home made pizza but the pancakes were lower points so I figured I’d eat those instead, and I wanted some comfort food for some reason…but seriously? After a lunch like that, eating pancakes? Where has my brain gone?!?!

And that is why I feel I have been on a 2 day food bender in which 24 hours of that was spent digesting one meal…Not Good! I have weigh in tomorrow and even before all this food I felt fatter and am positive I have gained weight, now I took what might have been a small amount of weight gain and turned it into an astronomical weight gain…I wouldn’t be surprised if I went up by 5 pounds on the scale tomorrow…how depressing!

The pancakes tonight were good though…lol 😉

So Way Too Much Food…ugh…

10 Oct

I don’t know how I managed to eat like this all the time, how I could stand feeling so sickly and gross. And yet, I did it often enough to get myself in this mess didn’t I?

Today was my Thanksgiving feast – I got a small Beef Taco Pizza from Panago and a slice of pumpkin pie with whipped cream on top from White Spot. Brought them both home and had myself a little (well, large) meal while watching a movie I rented. It was s’posed to be a throwback to the old days – see back in the day I would rent a couple movies, order in a pizza and have an evening of calorie laden bliss. I didn’t do it all the time but often enough to do damage to my waist line. lol. When I used to do this I would have the pizza delivered and always ordered a medium – I always figured it made better sense to order a medium and have enough left overs to last me a couple days, better use of my money. *rolls eyes* I know, I know, I think of that now and I wanna kick myself but it’s how I convinced myself back in the day it was ok to eat way too much pizza. This time I ordered a small and picked it up (saved on paying a tip teehee) but the goodness of getting a small pizza was completely out measured by the piece of pie I picked up from the restaurant. Oy. Pie slices from restaurants are crazy huge, and it was more expensive to buy one slice from there then to get an entire pie from Safeway but in this I felt the extra money was worth it, better to pay a bit more but only have one slice then to pay less and have an entire pie staring at you everytime you open the fridge door.

So I got all settled with my movie, chowed down on my pizza and ate way too much. I just kept going…it was disgusting. I should have stopped after 2 pieces but I didn’t, did I stop at 3 pieces? Nope, didn’t stop there either…4 pieces!! I ate 4 entire slices of pizza!! I might as well be rolled out the door while I can still fit and taken to a fat camp, ugh. Even as I was eating the 4th piece I was trying to figure out why I was eating it, no way I was hungry at that point but it was like something had been unchained and I couldn’t control it. sigh. When I was done the 4 slices I put the left overs in the fridge and decided the pie was gonna hafta wait cause I felt so ill there was no way I was gonna be able to eat it right then. I didn’t wait all that long to eat that pumpkin pie though, not even the entire length of the movie! I don’t know exactly how long I waited I just know the movie wasn’t over and I was eating the pumpkin pie, whipped cream an all! And do you think I left the crust behind to save myself calories? Well, if you did think that you are delusional! I ate it all. Admittedly it was yummy but double the width of a slice I would have cut for myself and way more whipped cream then what I would have topped it with. Why do restaurants do that?!

Looking back I should have put two slice of pizza on my plate and put the rest in the fridge right away. My brain has gotten used to only seeing the food I am actually going to eat so it knows it is ok to eat everything in front of me, but this, having the open pizza box, it was like my brain didn’t know when to stop. Oh, and I pulled out a large plate! The horrors! I never use those anymore, all my food is served on small plates, that way it looks like way more. I was just breaking all kinds of rules today. sigh.

It’s weird, I knew in advance I was going to eat the pizza and pie today, I convinced myself it was ok cause it was a one time treat for a holiday and blah blah blah. What a load of shit! Who cares that it is a holiday? That’s no reason to go off the deep end! All those weeks, hell, months of fighting to get my weight down and I go and eat a disgustingly huge meal in a super short amount of time which will pretty much screw my body up and confuse the hell out of it – and instead of admitting to myself I was using this holiday as an excuse to cheat big time on my “healthy eating lifestyle” I kept tricking myself in to not facing up to what I was doing. I didn’t even have the guts to be a straight shooter with myself in regards to this little (huge) step off the path to the world of thin.

I would like to say tomorrow I will be back to following all the rules and everything will be good but I am gonna be at a friends place for a good chunk of the day and have no idea what is gonna happen with food. I mean, obviously I will eat before I go, and try my best to take a snack over but if I am over there long enough that we end up getting a meal, shrug, there is only so much control I have over where we go and what options are on the menu. I will definitly be reading the salad section of the menu though!

So, I don’t have points calculated for my food yet today but here is a list, I will add points when I have them…although, I kinda don’t wanna know…

1 Activia yogurt = 2 points

1 banana = 2 points

4 slices of pizza = ?

1 slice pumpkin pie with whipped cream = ?

1 can root beer = 3 points

Oh yeah, I didn’t even mention the root beer! I drank points! I never drink points! Since starting this whole thing the only liquid I take in is tea and water, oh and sometimes milk. I gave up pop but today, well, if you’re gonna be stupid might as well be stupid all at once I guess. FYI, that was the best root beer ever! I have really missed it. lol.  

So off I go to calculate my pizza and pie points…I will edit this soon.


omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg I think I am having a bit of a panic attack, what have I done?!?! here are the points, keeping in mind they are approximations…not like that makes it any better tho…

The Pizza: the nutritional info is based on a single slice of a medium pizza, I ordered a small so my slices were smaller but I doubt they were so much smaller as to make much of a difference points wise, 1 slice = 4 points, omg, so that’s 16 points worth of pizza.

The Pumpkin Pie: I calculated the points on a slice of pumpkin pie from the nutritional info on a pie at the grocery store earlier in the week, it came to 1 slice = 6 points, crap, then add on the whipped cream which is 1 tbls = 1 point and I am in deep deep trouble, for the pie I approximated it at 10 points.

That puts me at a total of 33 points eaten for the day, 33! That is 11 flex points! ELEVEN!!!! Plus the one flex point I used yesterday, I have used 12 flex points in two days, omg. I might as well hit myself on the head with a hard blunt object for all I good I did myself today.

The only bright side I am finding here is I did get one measly piece of fruit at the beginning of the day with the banana, and I got some dairy in me with the yogurt. Plus, the pizza is topped with soooo many veggies that has to count towards my veggie count for the day. It doesn’t negate the damage I have done but at least while doing all that damage I was getting some good stuff. I am not counting the fruit/veg serving from the pumpkin pie, I am sure the healthiness was baked right out of it! lol

So what all this means is I have to be uber careful this coming week, no cheating, no little snacks here or there I shouldn’t have, no giving in to temptation at work – strict strict strict, and if I feel myself caving all I have to do is look back here and read how many points I ate in one day, one very low activity level day, that’ll keep me on track for sure!

Evil Evil Temptation

1 Oct

I felt like I needed the blinders today!

All I wanted to do today was eat, and nothing healthy, all I wanted was junk food. I had to go out on an errand during work hours to get a bus pass and every food item I saw in the little store was calling my name. I swear! In a low creepy sing song voice it called to  me – ‘you want me, you know you want me, I won’t hurt you, you know you’ll love me, I’m so tasty, Mmm’  Cookies, chocolate bars, snack bags, harsh.

As if that wasn’t bad enough it was cake day at work. It’s weird, the last two cake days (they happen at the end of every month) I have had no probem resisting the cake, sure they look good but I knew a piece wouldn’t be worth it and shrugged it off. Lemme tell ya, this month was NOT like that! I kept staring at the stupid cakes, they were in the lunch room so couldn’t really avoid them, and to make it worse two of the people I was eating lunch with ate cake right in front of me and kept offering me some. *groan* Here’s some of the things said  to me today “don’t you want a piece? it’s really good, you should get a piece. we could share one, how ’bout the cookie n cream cheesecake? omg, the strawberry shortcake is so light!’ Double harsh!

There were three kinds: the above mentioned cookies n cream cheesecake, strawberry shortcake and double chocolate ganache. It’s like the trifecta of food tempation!

These cakes popping up on a day where all I want to do is eat and I don’t have much food with me cause I ran out of groceries before the end of the week is not good – did I do something bad and now karma is getting even? I dunno, *shakes head sadly* but something was definitly working against me today.

Get this, the only way I managed to not grab a piece of cake was cause I have gotten this rep at work as being the one person who is able to resist all bad food, people there talk about how I have such amazing willpower, blarg. Talk about painting myself in to a frickin corner. 😛 I couldn’t eat even a bite of any of those cakes at work cause people would see me cheating and when it was suggested I bring some of it home I said no. sigh. Somehow my willpower kicked in that way at least, lol, I kept thinking how it’d be easy to bring a piece (or three!) home and indulge this evening and no one would ever know I did it but I just couldn’t do it. I kept thinking how all that sugar and fat would still be in me when I went to weigh in tomorrow and that just wouldn’t do. *rolls eyes*

So I managed to resist the evil tempations today by (1) not wanting to ruin my rep at work  – man, I’m so vain lol and (2) not wanting to cry on the scale tomorrow. Maybe not the best tools to use to not cheat but hey, I use what I have!

Today I ate:

29 grams honey nut cheerios = 2 points

1/2 cup 1% milk = 1 point

1 banana = 2 points

1 apple = 1 point

1 tuna sandwich = 4 points

2 triangles light laughing cow = 1 point

mixed raw veggies = 0 points

1 cup red pepper black bean soup = 2 points

85 grams whole wheat spagetti = 5 points

1/2 cup Primo Thick & Zesty Romano Cheese & Basil Sauce = 1 point

2 tbsp Kraft Parmesan cheese = 1 point

1 thinsations Oreo cakesters = 2 points

I used all of my 22 points. 🙂 I know I could have had some flex points, and I was really tempted cause I was wanting to eat more food, buuuuut I decided not to because of how much I wanted to. Does that make sense? Probably not…it’s like this. If I really want something that has the potential to be bad (food, alcohol, expensive shoes…) I say No! because if I give in even once when I really want something then the next time will be even harder to say no. Hopefully that makes sense cause I can’t think of any other way to explain. lol.

So now I am off to bed where hopefully I will not dream of scales and measuring tapes – after all, I have to face the scary reality of them tomorrow…*shudder*

Food Paranoia

14 Sep

So I thought I was over (well, kinda over) my having gained on the weekend until a convo at work where I got to hear about someone else and how they have lost 15 pounds in less time then I have been on weight watchers and blah blah blah. Lemme tell ya the Grrrs were sooo back! Then KB pointed out that the chicky that said she lost all that weight seems to be lying cause she always tell a different story. Phew. That made me feel way better. Well that and her clothes still fit all the same and mine are falling off. teehee 🙂

Isn’t it funny how people decide to lose weight and they immediately start lying about it? People are so weird. There are so many different lies! Some of my fave are: (1) I am never hungry, (2) I never cheat, (3) I love the new foods I am eating, (4) it’s so easy, I should have done this sooner! and (5) I have lost X amount of weight – but the amount lost is always rounded up…why round up? I always say how much I have lost to the first decimal point. I am proud of having lost some weight and I don’t feel the need to round up the amount I have lost…shrug…do you? I mean, if I said a couple weeks ago I had lost ten pounds cause I was almost at the ten pound mark then when I really (if  I ever! sigh) lose ten pounds I won’t be able to celebrate with people cause they will think I already hit that milestone…does that make sense? Maybe that’s just me…

Today I worked really hard on eating more then my daily points; I can’t believe I just wrote that! I have spent all this time learning to eat my 22 points a day – I didn’t want to eat over 22! I have been proud of myself for being able to teach myself to eat my daily points limit but today I threw that out the window and ate my exercise points…it’s causing me some stress. I don’t believe this whole ‘eat your exercise points and you’ll lose weight’  mantra- I know the math makes sense (to others) but my thinking towards food is not logical and is ingrained deeply in to my psyche and going against it is really freakin hard. In my head the less I eat the better so eating 22 points a day is hard because lots of days I don’t want to eat that much; I finally got my head around eating the 22 points and now I have to eat more???

I don’t know how I managed it but I ate my exercise points today, sigh, I noticed though that as soon as I was in to my exercise points I wanted to totally binge. My body seemed to think that since I was eating more then 22 points I could just go on an eating frenzy and it wanted everything! Even now, when I am not hungry and should be perfectly satisfied with my food for today I want more…more, more, more, more, more! Oh, and nothing I want is remotely healthy. lol. I almost ate a chocolate candy that I have, it’s 1 point and even though I had eaten all my exercise points I almost grabbed the candy because my mentality switched from “you have 22 points, eat only those and be strong” to “meh, you’re eating over your points anyways, what’s one more measly point?” This is sooooo Not good! The points were rigid in my head as the line to not cross, now they are flexible and can be moved and I don’t like that, as much as I hate rules for my food I need rules, otherwise I will screw this up.

Today I ate:

1 cup Fiber 1 = 3 points

1 1/2 cup 1% milk = 1.5 points

1 banana = 2 points

50 grams artificial crab = 1 point

1 cup Maple Baked Beans = 4 points

1 piece toast = 1 point

2 triangles Light Laughing Cow cheese = 1 point

1 cup blackberries = 1 point

1 kiwi = 1 point

1/2 cup cottage cheese = 2 points

1 corn on the cob = 1 point

1 tsp marg for the corn = 1 point

1 hamburger patty = 4 points

1 cheese slice = 1 point

1 weight watchers banana nut muffin = 3 points

Exercise points earned = 5 points

Total points eaten 27.5 points – that is 22 daily points, 5 exercise points, 0.5 flex point.

I am embarassed to write that, it seems so wrong to have eaten so much. sigh.  I don’t know if eating my exercise and flex points will get easier or if it will always be this much of a struggle, guess I’ll just have to see how it goes. The one thing I do know is if I don’t have a smaller number on that scale this weekend this whole eating the exercise and flex points thing is going to be under serious threat of ending!

Hungry hungry hippo

17 Aug

s'thing else that can eat an eat an eat

Today was what I would have once called a “food day”, that is a day where you are always hungry and eat an eat an eat, you don’t care what you eat, you just eat. It didn’t matter what I ate today or how much – I wanted more…but…I didn’t cave! I ate the food I took to work, I snacked on fruits and veggies and when I got home I ate a healthy dinner and still have one point left, oh yeah baby!

To make it an even harder day it is also a “fat day”, I am sure that doesn’t need any explanation. sigh. I hate fat days, they are bad enough when you aren’t trying to lose weight cause really, what do you do? You wear something looser then normal, eat even more food then what you usually would and figure whatever, you’re already a fat cow who cares if you add more weight to your ever widening ass? It’s not a happy mind set, or a healthy one really. Having a fat day when losing weight is even shittier…I felt like I had made no progress (even though I know I have lost weight), I felt like I should give up, I felt like stuffing cake and McDonald’s and Chinese food and sushi and anything else that crossed my mind in to my mouth cause hey, I am fat and depriving myself of all kinds of foods I really like and it’s making me miserable and just eat already!!! Normally I don’t feel deprived by not eating all those foods I mentioned, I have a goal and a reason for the goal and I am slowly getting closer to the goal but today, it was like a little demon was in my head feeding me thoughts perfectly designed to get me to cheat. It has been a hard day.

now imagine the devil whispering in my ear all day about food...bastard!

The eating portion of my day is almost over and I still have 1 point left, I am going to use that point to eat a weight watchers 1 point candy. I convinced myself earlier to use some flex points, I had an argument all worked out about how it’s ok to use flex points sometimes and why not today? But I have decided I am not gonna do it, I don’t want to use my flex points, I don’t want to get on the scale saturday and wonder if I had only had some willpower on tuesday would the number showing be even smaller? I don’t want to give myself room for doubt…and that is what cheating will give me, all the space in the world. I have a habit of engaging in self-destructive behaviour, I am surprised I haven’t tried to screw myself over already, I have never tried to resist the self-destructive behaviour…it’s hard and seems to go against everything that is in me but I am gonna give it a shot.

Today I have eaten:

2 Weetabix Biscuits = 2 points

1/2 cup 1% milk = 1 point

1 1/2 cup strawberries = 1 point

1 cup Roasted Red Pepper and Tomato soup = 2 points

2 triangles laughing cow cheese = 1 point

1 cup cherries = 1 point

1/4 cup couscous with corn = 3 points

mixed raw veggies = 0 points

1 Fresh Express Salsa Supreme Salad = 8 points

1 corn on the cob = 1 point

1 tsp margarine = 1 point

So far I am at a total of 21, and like I already said I will eat my 1 point candy and finish up for the day.  I think I will go down some more water to try to trick my tummy in to thinking it is full and then go to bed so I am not aware of how much I want to gorge on the cookies that are in my kitchen…or the ice cream…or the pasta…why do I have this stuff?!?! Argh! lol

Attempting…and failing…

27 Jul

Holy crap! It has been days since I have been able to get online, I feel like I am going through withdrawl. eeek! I am staying at my parents place and they have internet but they don’t know their password so I can’t get my laptop online and while I may know a lot about computers my knowledge stops at hacking…I may remedy that! lol. So it is late at night and I am finally able to get on to their computer, phew!

I am not going to cover all the food I have eaten since I have been offline because nobody wants to read that many food lists, lol, but I will give you the ups and down. 🙂

The second day of the roadtrip almost started out with such promise. 😛 I went to the restaurant attached to the hotel I stayed at and ordered the one healthy breakfast item they had, can you believe that?? One item!! It was eggs with fruit salad on the side…I think there was toast too. Not the greatest meal but ya gotta work with what ya got. lol. The waitress comes back to my table after I place my order and informs me (very nicely) that they have no fruit…no fruit?!?! The supplier didn’t bring them any…so no fruit. huh. That’s a new one, and wtf am I s’posed to do now? I took a quick look through the menu again while the waitress hovered over my shoulder making me feel very pressured and picked such an amazingly unhealthy dish I surprised even myself. 😛 It was eggs benedict but without the ham, instead it was an english muffin topped with sliced tomato, bacon, poached egg and of course the hollondaise sauce. Yum!! I haven’t had something that rich for breakfast in longer then I can remember. It also came with hash browns (home made diced hash browns) and I ate some but was too full to have more then a couple bites of them. I really savoured every bite of that breakfast, it tasted sooooooo good. again…Yum! lol

Most of the rest of that day I was really good; I ate my veggies I had packed for a snack and somehow wasn’t hungry for anything larger so I didn’t bother with my salad. I did however stop at Peter’s Drive In for my milkshake and onion rings, I can’t believe what happened ! It was horrible! Not the milkshake or rings-they were perfect, but my stomach, sigh, I only drank about half (at most) of the shake (oreo flavour btw) and had about 7 of the rings and was full to the point of feeling sick…I wasn’t even out of friggin cow town yet before I had to stop! (yes I was eating and driving at the same time, it’s AB, they let you do that! lol) I was actually mad at myself, here I had been waiting for this milkshake and I couldn’t even enjoy the entire thing? Know what I ended up doing for the last 3 hours of the road trip? Drinking…water! Water! Horrendous! I left the milkshake alone and drank water…what’s the world coming to? ugh.

The only plus side to not being able to drink the whole shake or eat the rings is that I saved points which is good considering my breakfast. *rolls eyes*

My next day started off not too badly, I had Weetabix for breakfast topped with some fruit…back on track right? And when I needed a snack later I ate fruit, so good choice again…and then I went out for dinner with a friend. I tried deluding myself the salad I was ordering was healthy but let’s get real, it so wasn’t! I ordered the Top Sirloin Steak Salad with Goat Cheese (the description is: seared medium-rare top sirloin steak, mixed greens, roma tomatoes and quebec goat cheese, tossed in a spicy tomato vinaigrette with a hint of tomato clam cocktail and served with banana bread) It was really tasty! I didn’t eat the banana bread (it wasn’t very good, dry, shrug) but I ate almost every bite of the salad. Mouth heaven. There was very little goat cheese and about 6 thin slices of steak, I should have got the dressing on the side but totally forgot so I think the dressing took away from the healthiness of the greens and veggies in the greens. sigh.

If you can believe it the next day was even worse! How they keep escalating I am not sure but they do. lol. I went to a friend’s kid’s birthday party; it was a bbq and to be honest I thought we’d just be eating veggies, chips, snack type items but nope, full out bbq. I had a hot dog (I can’t believe how long it’s been since I ate one of those!), some homemade potato salad and some homemade beans (they had pork n beans, bacon, brown sugar, ketchup and onions in it – put it all in a crock pot and let it do it’s thing). The beans were really excellent. 🙂 The entire time was great but I kept thinking wow, this is so not healthy…oh and then there was the big slab of cake we all had, oy! Then, just to make the day even better I had a family dinner (which admittedly wasn’t as unhealthy), there was brocolli pie with cheese on top, baby potatoes, salad, veggies, a tiny bit of roast chicken and strawberries for dessert. Luckily my mom is also on weight watchers so she made a healthy dinner. 🙂 Go mom go! lol

Today I decided I have to get back on track, I can practically feel myself getting fatter, ugh, and my tummy is not happy with such a drastic shift from healthy stuff to not so healthy stuff, it’s been having some pain and general discomfort today, not fun!

I started the day with, you guessed it! Weetabix. lol. It’s the healthiest cereal here, and some fruit then when I was out I hit up Extreme Pita, I love this place. 😀 I got the Maple Dijon Chicken (it has grilled chicken, blend of greens, red grapes, grape tomatoes and maple dijon dressing all in a pita) I got the small and it was only 4 points, it tasted like it should have been way more points it was that good. 😀 I also just had to hit up this sushi place in the mall that does this roll called the Alberta roll, it has beef in the middle which is very un-sushi like but it’s so good and only at this one place. I got two as a treat. I then felt so bad cause I felt like I had eaten a ton that I didn’t eat again until quite late when I drank a can of Guinness (only 4 points!) and some chips my uncle brought us from England when he came to visit, my mom portioned them out so they were another 4 points but I had the points to spare. I ended up under my points today and don’t feel bad about it in the least considering the last 3 days. lol

I would like to say I am going to eat healthier from now on but tomorrow I am eating dinner at Red Lobster (my fave place!) and the day after I have dinner plans at the Cheesecake Cafe, and the coming weekend is going to be food hell but that I will explain in a different post since this one is becoming a novel. lol.

Suffice to say I fell of the wagon and hard the beginning of this trip…hopefully I can find a way to salvage my diet cause I sure don’t want to gain my weight back. It took a lot of work and weeks to lose the weight so far, how much would it suck to gain it all back on one vacation?

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