Tag Archives: binge eating

3 Good Days

9 Oct

I believe in balance in life, never are all things good or all things bad – I think if something goes great in one aspect of your life then in another area something not so great will happen to keep your balance in check. It’s like a karma thing. 🙂

Well, I’ve had three really good things happen three days in a row…I’m disturbed slightly by this and wondering what is about to happen to balance those things out. But then I think maybe the three good things are balancing out the not so great things that had happened recently so maybe there’s no need to worry…guess I’ll find out! lol

The first good thing was getting the Agent on Thursday – by far the best of all three things! 😀 I will not blather on about it since I already wrote an entire post about it but suffice to say I am still riding high from that lol.

The second good thing was on Friday when my new roomie and I finally found a new apartment. It’s pretty sweet looking and has almost everything we want/need. We realized we were never going to find a place that had everything but this one comes pretty close. 🙂 The rooms are a good size, it’s big enough to fit all our furniture, hardwood floors, decent sized kitchen, little balcony, laundry on site, free covered parking, close to everything a person could possibly need which means I can walk to do stuff instead of drive thereby saving money on gas (which is good cause it went up to $1.40 yesterday! ack!). It’s in a totally different area of the city then where I live now so there will be the fun of getting used to a new area – something I am looking forward to and yet, not looking forward to lol.

The third good thing happened on Saturday. My day job is as an on-call nanny and for that I have to have my cpr/first aid certificate, well, the silly thing expired so I had to recertify. I always think to recertify you should be allowed to just write the test not have to retake the whole class cause geez, 9 hours being told stuff I already know? Boring! Anyways, the good thing was I passed with 100% and can continue to work my day job…ya know, until I become rich and famous lol.

So yah, a good three days. 😀 I wonder what the next three days will hold…

On the food front I have to confess, I have been about the worst Weight Watcher in the history of Weight Watchers for the past, oh, three weeks or so? *hangs head in shame* I don’t know what happened! I mean, I kinda do…I know how it started but I don’t know why I haven’t been able to get myself under control, sigh.

It all started when I got the ulcer attack, I had days of not being able to eat anything, and then when I could finally manage to eat something it was Weetabix cereal drowned in milk. Anything other then the cereal was still causing massive pain but I got to a point where I needed food – I felt like I was being starved to death and really, it’d been like a week since I had eaten properly so in my defence, I was kinda being starved…just ya know, by my own stomach’s ability to digest not by like, some psycho holding me hostage and not feeding me (I watch a lot of Criminal Minds lol)

I got to a point where I would eat something even though I knew I was gonna pay for it with pain cause I just had to eat and I got this mind set that if it’s gonna hurt no matter what I eat I might as well eat something really yummy – make the pain worth it. So I would eat whatever I wanted. I was only eating like once a day so it’s not like I was gorging multiple times a day or anything but for that one meal there were no rules. I ate pie, pizza, cookies, pasta…whatever I craved, shrug. I justified it to myself by saying “go ahead, eat whatever you want, it’s gonna be the only food that goes in you today so might as well make your taste buds happy since no matter what your stomach won’t be”

Once I started being able to eat and not feel pain all the time I did try to eat normally. Mostly cause I noticed that some foods still caused me trouble but others didn’t. I could only eat really small amounts at a time and only about twice a day so I was still feeling starved but not quite as badly lol. But see, that’s when it got bad cause the more I was able to tolerate food the more I was craving really bad for me things and it appeared my ability to say no to myself had disappeared…gain an ulcer lose my self-control? Bad trade off in my opinion. lol.

I started eating pastries, and hot cocoa, and more cookies, and more pie. Every evening I would swear that the next day I’d get back on track and the next day I might even have started it eating properly but somewhere during that day I’d make a stupid move and binge eat on something. sigh. It’s gotten to the point that I am scared to step on the scale and I can see in the mirror that I am bigger. I am poofier in the abdomenal area and my love handles are more handle-y. Combined with the bad food choices I was unable to exercise when the ulcer was really bad and when the ulcer got a bit better I was still missing boxing classes due to apartment hunting.

I’m turning in to that marshmallow dude from the Ghostbuster movie. ugh.

I’m so disgusted with myself, with how I let myself lose all my self-control in regards to food. My mindset was “I’m barely eating so I can eat whatever I want” but when I started to be able to eat again I wasn’t able to change that mindset of eating whatever I wanted and I no longer had the ulcer pain happening to stop me from eating more then once a day so I ended up going on a food binge that lasted weeks. Weeks!!!! Disgusting. 😦

I tried getting back on track last week, I started tracking, I was careful with my points, I even went for a hike cause I wasn’t going to be able to box that day and I wanted to make sure I got at least some exercise. I thought it’d be easy to get back on track but I only lasted two days. I tried again yesterday, I took food with me to the St John’s Ambulance cpr/first aid class I had to spend the day at so I wouldn’t go to the mall that was across the street and buy lunch from the food court. I was doing good yesterday, I ate a healthy breakfast before I left the apartment, ate some of the food I took but when I went to Starbucks to get hot water for the tea bag I had brought with me I bowed to the peer pressure the girl I was hanging out with in the class exerted and got a half sweet peppermint hot chocolate instead. sigh. Then, after class when I hung out with KL the plan was to get a sub from Subway to sneak in to the movie theatre, however, the food court at that mall didn’t have a Subway (we both thought it did!) and we ended up going to the movie with no food. By the time the movie was over we were so incredibly hungry we went to Red Robin’s and split an order of onion rings and we each got an entree. I got a salad, which you might not think is so bad but the salad has a lemon poppyseed dressing, candied walnuts and feta cheese on it…I calculated the points for it once-upon-a-time and I remember it was in the high teens somewhere…bad salad! Oh, and I got a side of garlic bread too…the bread had melted cheese on it…

So now today, yet another day I swore I would be good has come and gone and guess who wasn’t good? I didn’t exercise. I didn’t eat healthy, I haven’t even tracked my points or written down any of the food I ate so who knows how bad I’ve really been? I know I should calculate my points for the day but it’s so depressing seeing just how badly I’ve eaten…

Maybe I’ll manage to be better tomorrow…at this point, I can’t get much worse…*rolls eyes*

Carbs and Chocolate

18 Mar

All I have wanted this entire week is carbs and chocolate – and lemme tell ya, it’s been hard to resist the wanting…most of the time I haven’t resisted, I caved…no, not just caved, I jumped off the diving board marked willpower and cannon balled into a pool of liquid chocolate that had bread pieces for dipping. YUM! 😀 lol

I keep dipping a spoon in to my jar of Nutella and not writing it down in my tracker – after all, a little spoonful of Nutella doesn’t count right? HA! Maybe not that first spoonful but the multiple spoonfuls since then sure do add up! 😛

Part of me feels badly about my eating this week, I’ve been eating all kinds of bad-for-me foods and I am definitely scared for weigh in day tomorrow – oh man, that scale is gonna show such a not good number, I can feel it! Even though I feel a bit bad I don’t feel as crappy as one would expect – I think it’s cause it’s been such a shitty week and those various foods I ate are the only things that kept me sane.

What can I say – certain foods are classified “comfort foods” for a reason.

Monday: crap news at work about work – I had a personal sized pizza and dessert bread sticks for dinner.

Thursday: guy at work made a comment that made me feel  like I weigh 1000 lbs, I drank a small milkshake and over the course of the day ate 5 pancakes, 3 of which had nutella spread on them.

I baked cookies last Sunday and ate some everyday until they were completely gone, I believe the last day they were around was Tuesday – so that’s 3 days of eating cookies.

Friday (today): ate over my points deliberately cause I neeeeeded chocolate and couldn’t find a way to not eat it (admittedly, I didn’t try very hard to find a way to not eat it…hormones ya know?)

So, hmm, looking back, bad week? Yes! As bad as I feel it was? Oddly enough, No. Go fig. I thought I overate everyday and it looks like I didn’t, which is good, but the pizza and dessert breadsticks put me so far in to my flex points on Monday that really, I should have been uber careful the rest of the week to ensure I didn’t use all my flex points for the week. But yeah, I didn’t. Instead I was ruled by hormones and emotions and ate my feelings…

I used to do that a lot more often, eat my feelings I mean. If a day was good -celebrate with food. If a day was bad – make myself feel better with food. No matter what happened in a day I could find some “reason” to over eat or eat something that was really bad for me (usually fast food, oh how I miss McD’s lol) I have been trying to stop doing that but some days (weeks) I totally fall back in to the habit.

Also, I find if I have a day where I cave and eat something I shouldn’t (say, a cookie or pancakes with nutella on them) then the next day it’s even harder to not eat something on par with that treat. Like, I did it yesterday and didn’t combust so why can’t I eat it again today? I know in my head why I can’t treat myself like that everyday – long term I’d gain all my weight back, but in the moment it can be really hard to remember that.

So yeah, the week has sucked – on a personal front, a work front and a food front. 😦 Luckily, the week is over and I am fully expecting next week to be better – not cause I have some inside knowledge about next week, I am expecting it to be better because well, cause I say it will be! lol So there! 🙂

From Sadness to Fear to Anger to Self Medication

14 Mar

Have you ever noticed how fear makes us do weird things? We all react to it differently and a situation that intellectually isn’t that big of a deal grows so huge in our heads we freak out.

There’s legit fear; like what those in Japan have been feeling for days – earthquake, tsunami and now failing power plants, they are probably wondering what is going to happen next, I know I am.

But there is another fear, fear on a personal level about all kinds of things. Fear of embarassment, fear caused by your pride, fear of illness, pain, poverty…

The type I felt today was fear of change.

Normally I spout on about the greatness that is change – change your hairstyle, wardrobe, food, always try something new when you have the chance, always choose the thing you haven’t done yet because change makes you grow…and growth is all kinds of good! 😀

Sometimes though something changes that throws you, something you never really thought about changing and therefore didn’t prepare for.

All my talk about loving change and today I was knocked back a step, reminded how replaceable I am, how in this large company I am no more important then a background person on a movie set – I am a breathing prop.

Nobody wants to be that; nobody wants to think their manager will just trade them to a different section of the company without any advance notice, a question about if you want to go…hell, a hint?!

Today I got pulled aside and told I am being switched to a different department, my work load is being redistributed to those I have to leave behind and the contents of my desk will be moved to a new section.

Now sure, it could be worse. At least I know on a friendly lunch room sociable level those I’ll be working with but I don’t even know what they do let alone what I will be doing.

A person I trained who recently got traded over to this same departmant will now be training me – ah, see how pride can rear it’s ugly head?

So, let’s recap my emotions of the day since my being told of my shift at work:

(1) shock, surprise (2) sadness at not getting to sit near my friend, at being booted out of the department I have been in for so long, at having to move where I sit (3) bit more shock when I fully realized how replaceable I am (4) fear about my new job, new area I will be sitting in, people I will be sitting with, what will be expected of me, fear of the unknown (5) anger at myself for being so weak and whiny I would be scared over a change as insignificant as this

So how does all this connect to my weight loss? Cause we all know I have to link everything back to that at some point…lol

Simple, my overly emotional day (mostly, well, ok, all negative emotions) put me on a roller coaster I am not good at riding. Some people self medicate with alcohol, cigarettes, drugs of some sort…I use food. *rolls eyes* So that is what I did today for dinner…I stopped at Panago Pizza on the way home and ordered a personal sized beef taco pizza with jalapeno ranch dipping sauce and I also got the dessert bread sticks…cause the pizza isn’t bad enough apparently.

Hey, sure, it’s not a good way to deal with what happened but it could’ve been worse! I could have followed through with my original plan to hit up a liquor store, so there! 😛 Least the calories I took in were food related and there were some food groups in there (I get my pizza loaded with lettuce and tomato) instead of just inhaling empty calories on beer…lemme at least pretend there is a silver lining here ok?

The day started off well, I read up on the amount of servings expected per day for all the food groups and was well on my way of hitting the 6-8 fruit veggie servings we are supposed to get per day but yeah, I so failed that plan. sigh. Ah well, that’s what tomorrow is for…stupid emotions…see if I let you kick my butt next time! Grr!

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