To The Gym – Finally!

11 Mar

WooHoo! I am finally allowed back to the gym!…on a conditional basis but whatever! I’m allowed back that’s all that matters to me! lol It’s not that I miss the gym exactly, more like I miss working out and not feeling like a huge blob sitting in my living room getting bigger and bigger and bigger…I mean c’mon, who wants to feel like that? Not me!

The conditional basis for my return to the world of exercise is this: I am allowed back for two weeks and I must ease in to things, sigh, I’m not good at “easing in” to things, I like to jump right in but fine, *pout* I’ll try to ease in…kinda 😉

After two weeks I have to go back to my physio and he has to reassess me to see how my back and neck are dealing with my normal routine. I don’t know what happens after that…

I’m not sure how well my body is dealing with my normal routine to be honest. I am lifting heavy stuff at work again, I am doing my normal activities, admittedly I haven’t been to the gym as often as I would like because life got in the way and I am totally out of the habit of prioritizing exercise in to my life (I plan to fix that!) but if I don’t make it to the gym I try to use my exercise bike or at least do some core work on my living room floor. I made a rule that if I am watching more then one hour of tv I have to ride the exercise bike for at least an hour while watching tv, and well, me being me, once I’ve done an hour of cardio I’m not going to stop there so then I do push ups, sit ups, core work, stretching, ya know, the normal stuff. However, by the end of the day my neck and back are hurting quite a bit and that is not normal…if I use a heating pad and rest it it seems to do a bit better but it shouldn’t be hurting right?

I’m trying not to think about it too much, I’ll just wait and see what the physio says next week. 🙂

Going back to the gym was…odd. I was actually kinda scared, something I was not expecting. I think the fear was partially because it was a new gym so I wouldn’t know where anything was and it’d take me a bit of time to get oriented and I didn’t know what to expect for how busy it would be or what type of people would be in there (I have noooooo desire to go to a gym that is full of snobs, ugh). The other reason was I have lost muscle mass, my muscle definition is not at all what it used to be and I am squishier around the middle, sigh. While I hate the squishy look I know it’s only a matter of consistent workouts and proper eating to help get that lessened but the big fear was how much my cardio ability and strength ability had declined. I worked hard to become good at running and to be able to lift weights I never thought I’d be able to lift. I was terrified to find that was all gone.

Guess what? It’s gone. 😦

After my first visit to the gym I was torn between being happy I went and feeling good about myself and wanting to cry because I wasn’t able to do as good of a workout as I used to be able to. I ran but not as fast or for as long as I used to, I just couldn’t do it, or couldn’t manage to push myself to do it. Oh, and get this, I totally blanked on my free weight routine. I thought I’d do back and arms but I get to the free weight section, I’m surrounded by buff guys who are lifting ridiculously heavy weights and I blanked on my exercises. I couldn’t remember everything I used to do, was worried I didn’t remember the proper form for some things, didn’t know what weights I should start with (cause I figured I’d have to start with smaller weights than what I used to be able to lift but it was a guessing game of what size) and something new, I was embarrassed to be lifting such small (in comparison to those guys) weights. That is just down right stupid, I am a girl, a girl who is soooo not a body builder so of course I can’t lift the same weights, or anything near! Plus it was my first time back after months away due to injury so nothing to be ashamed about!…and yet…I guess part of the embarrassment was because they were watching me and I was feeling kinda judged by them, not cool, but also probably all in my head so I can’t blame them for that. sigh.

Today was my second time to the gym and I wondered if I was going to feel the same way. I struggled on the treadmill, more then I ever have and that annoys me. Thing is, I think I could have pushed harder, could have done better, but I’ve lost that ability to push myself, to reach a limit I didn’t think I could. Where did that go? Where did that voice in my head that used to encourage me, yell at me, push me to give that little bit extra so I accomplished the goal I set for the day go? That voice is my version of Jillian Michaels, it’s not quite as mean, but it is what got me through some harsh running sessions. I miss it…I’m not sure how to get it back…I’m not even sure when I lost it…and more importantly, what does it mean that I lost it? Has some inner part of me given up? I know some days I feel like that, like I have given up on myself, my future, my goals. I don’t like the feeling, I don’t want to have given up but some days the fight just isn’t there and I don’t know how to get it back. Maybe just jumping in to my routine, starting back at dragon boat practice, just in general being more active will make me feel better about myself and that in turn will help me get that voice back? I dunno…I do know that I neeeeed that voice cause todays running session was lame in comparison to what I used to do. I’m a little lost…

So for now, since I don’t know what to do, I am going to start with the basics. I am going to be physically active everyday. I am going to eat healthier and do my best to follow the 80/20 rule. I am going to surround myself with motivational posters, youtube videos, phrases etc so that when I falter I can find inspiration where ever I am. I am going to research and reteach myself proper weight lifting form, create an actual strength routine so the next time I am in the gym it doesn’t matter if I blank because I will have something written down that tells me what to do. I am going to make this weight loss happen! I am going to find my inner voice! I am going to reteach myself how to fight! I am going to stop giving up and reach my goals! (I feel like I should make that marine noise they make in movies after all that lol)

 

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What A Day

21 Feb

Busy days are proof that the more you need to get done the more you can get done. If I am having a lazy relaxing kind of day I get almost nothing done, the dishes seem an insurmountable obstacle. Laundry? So not happening! Leaving the apartment to do errands? You might as well be asking me to cure the global economic crisis. But a day that is highly scheduled, has a lot that has to get done, those days I can do everything on my list and more! What’s with that? *confused face*

Today was an awesome day, despite the fact that it’s supposed to be my day off and it still started at 5:30am, ugh. I am soooooo not a morning person! And yet, today, my alarm buzzed and I got my lazy butt out of bed and started to tackle the first of all those many things I had to get done today…uh, the first being feed the cat, the second being hop in the shower lol

I was filming today and had to be on set, camera ready by 7am. Something I find very telling in life is that sure, for my day job I can get to work for 7am two shifts a week, I get there because I don’t want to be fired and I’m pretty sure consistently being late would (1) really piss off the person I am relieving and (2) really piss off management and get me fired…neither are things I want to happen, so, I get my butt to work for 7am, and while I really enjoy my day job, I hate those shifts. But! If I have to get up and be on set for 7am or earlier, it’s fine, it’s better then fine, I get out of bed the second that alarm goes off, no hitting the snooze button, no bitching as I fumble around for the lamp switch, no hiding under the pillow and wishing for a major catastrophe to happen so I can justify not getting up. I happily get up, mind already on what I will be doing on set that day as I trip over the cat on my way to his food dishes and then hop in the shower – seriously, that is how every day starts for me, dealing with the cat’s stomach then my cleanliness…:P

Starting to get off topic there, oops! lol

So, up early was I (and apparently I am now channeling Yoda lol) and off to set I went with a bag stuffed with changes of clothes, shoes, makeup for touch ups (just in case) and well, that’s it…normally I would pack a snack but I didn’t remember this time, my bad! I of course had my ever present travel mug filled with wonderfully hot tea, can’t start the day without that! I got to set, did the filming, had a blast, then actually got off early enough that I could have lunch before going to work. I don’t normally work Thursdays but there was a function being held at work and they asked if I wouldn’t mind coming in for just 4 hours so there was extra staff if it got really busy. Being that I am poor and need money I obviously said yes. 🙂 After lunch, which I ate at home with the cat on my lap (he was ignoring his food and was uber interested in my Subway 6″ turkey on 9 grain whole wheat sub, the mooch!) I changed, turns out I didn’t need to take my work clothes with me to set after all, and headed off to work. It felt very weird going there on a Thursday.

Work was fun, I enjoy my time there, and because it was a little shift during a fun function type thing it didn’t seem quite as much like work as it normally does lol. What can I say, I can easily trick myself! 😛 I had to dash out of there at 5pm on the dot though because next on my daily schedule was a physio appointment that I can’t be late for, if you are late you run the risk of not getting in because there are no vacancies to fit you in but you still have to pay for the session, eek! I had a painful, but useful, session with my physio, which lately is how all the sessions are. I learned something potentially interesting though. See, I can’t afford to join the gym because of how much I have to pay per week on physio. Today, my physio asked how I feel body wise compared to how I felt before the accident, he so shouldn’t of asked me that lol The first thing I said was I feel fat. I know he meant how does my body feel in relation to the injuries but ah well, he asked, I answered. He said I could start back at the gym if I go gentle and do the exercises approved by him, that it would most likely increase my recovery time because it would be helping the muscles in my back and neck heal quicker. I told him I want to go back but I can’t afford my weekly physio charges and the cost of the gym membership so I was kinda stuck. He said that the insurance company may pay for three months of gym fees because the exercise would help in my recovery and I should talk to my case worker. So of course, I added “email my case worker” to my list of things to do in the day and did that as soon as I got home after physio…which I almost fell asleep during, oops! lol The sessions always end with me laying on heat pads for my back and neck and the early start to the day caught up with me as I was laying there motionless and warm, almost dozed off! Good thing someone dropped something and it jarred me back to full consciousness…although at the time all that did was make me feel grumpy. 😉

After all of that I got to head back to the apartment, where I have since been dealing with student loan stuff and taxes, hanging with the cat, watching some tv, texting and talking on the phone with various peeps and am now seriously contemplating going to bed since I have pre-work plans for tomorrow and I want to be fully rested!…or at least partially rested lol

If I could accomplish this much everyday well, I’d be exhausted lol, but think of how productive I would be! Actually, let’s not go there, I like being lazy 😉

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A Slight Delay, sigh

18 Feb

Ok, so my plan for today didn’t work out but I have hope for later in the week, kinda lol.

I woke up this morning sick, ugh, talk about timing! My plan for today was to go to the gym after work, use my One Free Session coupon I printed off the website and assuming I liked the place sign up for a membership. I was so psyched for this (also kind of scared, but mostly excited lol). But yeah, so didn’t happen. All while getting ready for work this morning, and all during work I kept thinking maybe I’ll be ok by the time I’m done work, maybe I can still go! By the time I was done work though I was exhausted, and not the normal didn’t get enough sleep the night before exhausted but that lethargic tired you get when sick, and I was so so so cold and couldn’t get warm and my throat was killing me and…and…and…why go on listing symptoms right? We’ve all been sick so you know what was going on over here. Bleh.

I had no appetite all day but I made sure I ate a small breakfast and a provided by work lunch and I eventually managed to choke down some dinner. I’m pretty sure I could have gone the day without food cause that is how squashed down my appetite is but since I am trying to correct my not eating properly habits I figured it was better to force a mildly healthy days worth of food down my throat then not eat. Isn’t it feed a cold, starve a flu?…or something like that…or is it drown a cold as in I should have been drinking more fluids then normal? *confused face* hmm…I’ll have to google this cause I’m not sure which way it is supposed to go lol 😛

I am super annoyed that I didn’t get to the gym today cause I won’t have another chance to try until Wednesday, although maybe that is for the best cause that’ll give me an extra day to feel better…meh, whatever, I am still annoyed. I know some people think you should still work out when sick but I find that if I do that I take even longer to get better and the day after the work out I am in even worse shape then I probably would have been if I’d just stayed home and let my body rest. I figure each person has to figure out what works best for their body and go with that. 🙂

This cold is like a harassing little mosquito that won’t leave people alone. A couple people at work have also had it and it comes back, and back, and back! I was sick about two weeks ago, not so sick I was bedridden but sick enough getting through the work day was pretty hellish and on my days off I cancelled all my plans and just stayed home and tried to get better. I finally did get better, obviously, but then today was like some weird resurgence of the cold only instead of coming on gradually it hit me all at once. The same thing happened to two other people at work, they were sick with their colds 2-3 weeks ago and around the second week of being better they got sick again. So TF is sick again at the same time as me and CJ was sick for the second time last week, she said she only really felt sick for two days the second time around so I am hoping I only have one more day of this and then my immune system gets itself organized and kicks some invading microbes butts! *crossing fingers*

I don’t want all my plans to go out the window cause look at how long it took for me to stop being depressed about how I am and get motivated to change it! If I lose this momentum and end up down in the hole again thinking “what is the point so much damage has been done it is not fixable” can someone come slap me upside the head cause seriously, that is not a fun place to be. 😦

I did try to drink more fluids today but I don’t think I managed to drink as much as I normally do. See, I am a tea-aholic lol I drink tea like it is going out of style! I have a travel mug that I use at work that is constantly filled with tea, as soon as I finish one cup I make another, it’s like a never ending 8 hours of tea! 😀 Granted, I don’t drink it that fast cause the cup keeps it hot for a long time (the whole reason I use the travel mug and not a normal mug, sneaky huh? lol) but I definitely go through a lot of tea while working. Then when I get home the first thing I do is make a cup of tea and depending on my plans for the evening I either am out or home and if I am home I will be drinking more tea. Hey, there are no calories, it’s a fluid, holding a hot cup helps keep me warm-ish and I have English blood in my veins which basically means my blood is half tea 😉 being  a heavy tea drinker is practically my destiny lol. But today, I didn’t really want it as much. I wanted the hot cup to hold but that’s about it. My tea drinking was definitely not endless, shocking! When I got home I did have two cups of tea over the course of the evening and about a glass and a half of water, all of which were drunk in an attempt to make my throat feel better (fyi, totally didn’t work, sigh). As a result, now I am feeling mildly dehydrated and yet, my tummy doesn’t want anything in it so I guess it’ll be a battle of the body systems, wonder which will win? Will the body parts that want hydration be strong enough to tamp down the upset tummy feeling long enough that I will be able to drink some more water or will the tummy win and the water be a no-go mission? Ooooh, the suspense! 😉

To be honest, right now I don’t really care, about the missing out on the gym or the possibility of being able to drink something or anything cause I feel like crap and the only thought I have in my brain right now is going to bed…which is where I am headed riiiiiight now! *yawn*

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A New Start

17 Feb
I'm the pink bird...

I’m the pink bird…

I have been feeling like that pink bird, all round and fat and failing at losing weight…not even just losing weight but maintaining my weight, watching my food choices, getting daily exercise…a failure at every aspect of my so-called healthy living lifestyle. I’ve gone a bit off the deep end lately with trying extreme things to get back on track and ya know what? None of those extreme things worked, shocking right? 😉 lol They didn’t last, how could they? They didn’t get me results, even if they had they’d of been false. They didn’t make me feel good, both physically and emotionally. I wasn’t giving my body what it needs to function at peak efficiency and then  I was somehow surprised that I wasn’t getting the results I wanted? *sigh* How dumb am I? 😛

Well today I took the first step towards fixing this. What was my step? I went shopping! 😀

Yes, shopping. You read that right lol. But it is what I went shopping for that matters.

I hit up Popeye’s, the store I buy my protein powder and other supplements from, I haven’t been there in aaaaaages! I was almost out of protein powder right before I moved and decided to wait till I had moved to buy another container cause those containers are just too big and annoying to want to deal with when moving lol. Buuuuut, after I moved I never got back in to my exercise routine and my eating habits changed and before you know it I’d stopped even pretending to try to remember to go buy some more powder, epic fail on my part. While picking up the protein powder I also got my NutraSea Omega Oils, normally I get the one with Vitamin D in it but the one without Vitamin D was on sale so I went that route. I figure summer is eventually gonna get here and I’ll get enough Vitamin D then lol 😛 I also bought something I have been hearing great things about, its called VegeGreens, it is a powder that you can put in your protein shake or add to a glass of juice or water and it gives you multiple veggie and fruit servings without having to eat all your veggies and fruits. Now, I know some of you might be thinking “why not just eat the veggies and fruits? it’s got to be the healthier more natural way to go!” and you know what, maybe you’re right, I can’t say for sure because this one time I leaped before doing all my research but I’ll tell you why I decided to try it. I don’t get all my fruits and veggies in a day that I am “supposed to”, I fall quite short, when I am following my eating plan my veggie and fruit intake is guarded because of how many carbs are naturally occurring in them. Also, I just don’t eat that much food, that’s right, I confess! So sue me, I don’t eat enough food in a day that I can fit in all the fruit and veggie servings the Canada Food Guide says I should have as well as all the protein and dairy and blah blah blah...it’s too much freakin food! lol I had been toying with starting to take a multivitamin but I don’t agree with multivitamins and after speaking to a doctor I am even more convinced I don’t want those in my body but this product is all natural and sort of like a better version then a vitamin…theoretically! I’ll give you an update on it once I’ve been taking it for a while, let you know what I think of it. Cause we all know my opinion matters! lol 😉

So that was Stage 1 of shopping…yup, there were 2 stages! Two! Yah! 😀

Stage 2 was hitting up Walmart, it was originally going to be a trip specifically to buy the ingredients needed to combine with the protein powder and omega oil to make my protein shake but they were having some really good sales so I also bought some other healthy foods that I am quite excited about! 🙂 See, part of the shopping is for powders an stuff, the rest of the shopping is for food, normal food, healthy food, food I’m not embarrassed to have in my shopping basket…it’s been a while. I used to go grocery shopping and actually feel a little smug about how I had only healthy items in my basket and other people had cookies or crackers or chips or cakes or some seriously processed foods of some sort. Oh how the smug have fallen. *sigh*shakes head in shame*, lately when I do shop what I have been buying has not been anything to be proud of. But that changed today! I bought some fruit, fresh and frozen, frozen veggies, almond milk and real milk, healthy soups, skinless boneless chicken breasts, cottage cheese, all kinds of yummy good for me things! 😀 I actually took a picture of everything I bought today after work, take a look:

The results of my shopping today

The results of my shopping today

Doesn’t it look great? Well, think what you want, I think it looks great! 🙂 In case you are wondering, I only bought the already sliced mushrooms cause they were on super cheap, and I also got the chicken for the same reason, it was a good sale day at Walmart. 🙂

The soups aren’t strictly in my eating plan, ok, fine, they aren’t anywhere near to being in my eating plan lol but I am trying to be a little less dictator-ish and a little more realistic this time. There will be days I don’t have time to cook the chicken, days I don’t want to eat the fish that is already in my freezer, days I am tired, or running late or just plain ol lazy. Those days I will lean a bit on what is technically processed food and therefore supposed to be forbidden but is on the healthy end of the scale for processed foods and items I feel aren’t that bad for me. The soups I bought are all vegetarian, loaded with veggie servings (ya know, those things I never eat enough of? lol) and tasty. They are all soups that I could eat when on Weight Watchers, heck, I could have the entire can or box of soup and not blow my points out of the water if I had wanted which is probably why I still feel they are ok to eat now. Unfortunately the real world doesn’t always go as planned, and those soups are for those days. A decision I feel comfortable with. I may change my mind a couple months down the road when I’ve been eating healthier, maybe they will become a thing I can’t tolerate anymore, who knows? I can’t predict the future so I’ll just have to wait and see what happens.  🙂

Stay tuned to find out what I am doing tomorrow to continue with My New Start! dun-dun-dun *teehee*

 

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The Fake Film Festival

13 Feb

Hi all you lovely readers! I was asked to be in a short film that was going to be entered in to a “fake” film festival. You may be wondering what I mean by fake, well, the rules are this, you take a pre-existing movie, condense it to sixty seconds, and voila!

It is a low budget film (ie. almost no budget lol) but we worked hard and it turned out to be pretty funny. We did Thelma & Louise in sixty seconds. Yah!

I am putting a link below and if you have an urge to click on it, watch the sixty second video and then hit the “Like” button underneath the video (essentially, voting for the video) I’d appreciate it. The top 25 videos get shown in a proper screening! Exciting! And the winner gets a trophy, bragging rights and $10K. I am more excited about the exposure since as a newbie actor that is oh so needed. 🙂

Thanks in advance to all that vote! 😀

Thelma & Louise in Sixty Seconds

*crossing fingers* that the link works lol

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Dreams

12 Feb

Dreams.

We all have them, some people don’t remember them, others remember in vivid detail. Sometimes they tell great stories, help you sort through something you can’t face when awake, scare the crap out of you or are just plain weird.

I am a master of weird dreams, no seriously, I have always had vivid weird dreams. They usually turn in to nightmares at some point, you wouldn’t believe how many ways and times I have been killed in my dreams, sigh, those dreams I don’t like, duh. The other dreams though, usually those I like.

My dreams are always a story, shown in chronological order that I remember in vivid detail for a couple hours after I wake up. If I make a point of remembering a dream then I’ll remember it longer, if I don’t dwell on it then it fades by about hour three of my being awake and I don’t think of it again. I’ve never been able to continue a dream the next night which is annoying when I am woken mid dream and don’t get to finish a story lol I wonder if anybody else gets annoyed over that?

Last week I had a dream where mermaids are real and were portrayed much the same way vampires were in the Blade movies. So, limited numbers of humans know about them, they operate sneakily in our society, they are like a sub-culture that if you discover them odds are good you are gonna die. In the dream, the mermaids had learned of a way that they could walk around on land for limited amounts of time which meant they could basically mess with people and then escape back in to the ocean. Mermaids are also basically one big mafia group so in my dream two cops were chasing a group of 4 people through a store, wanting to arrest them when they realized they were being lured in to a bad situation and lo and behold the guys being chased turned on them, shot them all and then dived in to the conveniently placed ocean where they turned in to mermaids, reported to the head of their organization (which, fyi, was Ariel from the Disney movie lol) and well, it kept going from there but you get the idea. lol.

This, in my world, is a fairly normal dream, least I was on the planet the entire time in this dream…I’ve died while saving the starship Enterprise D from exploding…yes, I watch Star Trek, no I don’t look like I do. 😉

Why am I going on about dreams? Simple. I had one last night that was about my body and it freaked the hell out of me!

I was going to work out and hadn’t done so in a long time, for some reason I took a pair of capris I use in the summer to wear while working out. I was with a bunch of people, my mom, close friends, a random grouping that will most likely never happen in reality as they don’t all live in the same city. We were all changing to go run on a track (something else that would never happen lol) and when I put on the capris they were oh so tight that I could barely close them and when I looked in a mirror I was horrified by how I looked. Not only were they super tight I was way bigger then I am now, a completely different body shape then what I have ever been, I was super round, super large and round all through my torso. I am far less accepting of flaws in myself then I am in others and I started panicking about how I had let myself go. I put on a loose fitting shirt to try to hide how bad the fabric stretched across me and all I could think was “start running! start running! all you need to do is start working out and it’ll go away!” in my dream I knew with that certainty you can only have in a dream that all I needed was one good workout and it would all go away and the capris would fit properly again.

Oh if only it was that simple, *big epic sigh*

In reality, I am horrified by how I look right now, and sometimes I do feel that all I need is one really good session in the gym to alter how I feel about how I look but I know it will take more then that. I hate that it’ll take more then that since I am a needing instant results kind of girl lol. You’d think after my nice an slow, healthy weight loss I’d be used to not getting instant results when working on my body/health but…I’m not! lol 😛

I think this dream was my unconscious mind bringing to my attention just how unhappy I am with how I am looking right now. The dream exaggerated how large I am, and exaggerated how I feel about my looks and exaggerated how easy it would be to fix what my laziness and then not being allowed to exercise due to my car injuries has done to my body. I was at a point where I was proud of how defined my arms were, how perky my ass was getting, how my thighs were noticeably thinner, how my cardio numbers kept improving and my strength was increasing. Now? Now I am nowhere near proud. In fact, I am terrified about how long it will take to get back to where I was and then keep improving.

I so desperately want to go back to the gym, I finally got clearance from my physio (admittedly for a way limited exercise regime but whatev! it’d be exercise!) but I can’t afford even the cheapest of memberships because of having to pay for twice weekly physio sessions. It’s driving me insane! I do what I can at home but it’s not the same as having access to a treadmill and free weights and a freakin bosu ball, how insane is it that I want a bosu ball so so so much?! lol I keep thinking once my physio is over and I have money again I should look in to investing in to some work out equipment so I’m not so reliant on access to a gym to get to use decent equipment buuuuut once I have money again I have other things it has to go towards and oddly enough, bosu balls are kinda pricey. *rolls eyes*

Ah well, I know I shouldn’t bitch and complain about it, there are lots of people out there who have things a lot worse but some days I just get so frustrated with how stuck I seem to be. 😛 But hey, I won’t be stuck forever right? 🙂

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So Far Not So Good

30 Jan

Ok, so I wrote in my last post about how I bought actual real food from the grocery store and my goal for the week is to eat in more then I eat out and to actually cook meals not just eat peanut butter out of the jar and to have an actual breakfast, lunch and dinner daily that involved food groups and were well balanced in every sense of the word…wellllll, I may not be doing so good with that, oops!

In my defence, it’s only partially my fault…oh who am I kidding, it’s all my fault lol. 😛

Yesterday I slept in so didn’t eat anything before I ran to physio, after physio I got a hot chocolate and an apple danish from the coffee shop near my physio because I was starrrrrving! then I did errands (all pertaining to my cat) and got my butt off to work. Exciting huh? Since I didn’t have time to eat breakfast I sure as heck didn’t have time to make something to take with me and eat at work so I ate a slight variation on what was made in the kitchen that evening. I ended up having two crab cakes (I said I only wanted one but I have noticed that chefs seem to all have this crazy urge to over feed you, sigh) and a nice big salad, yum!

Then today I woke up sick, ugh, not crazy flu sick but definitely sick so I ended up staying home in an effort to baby my body back to health, here’s hoping it works! *crosses fingers* Oddly enough, I ended up eating three meals today! Three! In one day!!! It’s like the world has tipped on it’s axis or something! For breakfast I had a piece of chicken, mixed grilled veggies (there were zuchinni, red pepper and onion) and sliced yam, it was all quite yummy! Lunch was a bowl of shreddies cereal with a cut up banana on top and dinner was a grilled cheese sandwich with a tuscan tomato and basil bisque soup. I love that soup! I buy it at Safeway in the deli section, Mmm! Normally when I am sick I don’t eat, I just have no appetite and even less energy and I basically just don’t wanna lol but for some reason today I decided screw it, even if I am sick and I don’t feel like being in the kitchen I have to eat and why not do my best to eat proper meals and not just snack on some carrots.

So sure, the grilled cheese sandwich doesn’t fit in to the new rules I gave myself about what makes up a meal but hey, at least I ate and didn’t starve myself right? I feel like I should get points for that even though in reality I know I won’t lol

I am thinking though some slight changes to my rules might be needed…originally I decided I had to have three meals a day, breakfast could be small (I’m not a big breakfast person) so maybe some fruit and yogurt, simple ya know? Then lunch and dinner both had to have a protein and some veggies. I had to make the food more often then I bought a meal and, um, I think those were pretty much all my rules. Buuuuut, on days I work I can eat at work and generally the meals are healthy and with minor variations fit in to my rules for having a protein and a veggie so I’m thinking on work days if I eat the food from work it shouldn’t count against my rule for cooking my own food more then eating out cause, well, it’s made from fresher ingredients then anything I make, there will be a protein and a veggie serving and it’s only costing me $2…this is my thought on the matter, I’m still pondering it though so I may yet change my mind, we shall see!

As for today, I was inside all day sick which means nothing of interest happened so I have no funny stories to regale you with. The cat seems quite happy I spent time at home today, I was pretty much pinned to the living room chair all day by his body being sprawled across my lap while he slept, it’s good to know I have a purpose in this life *rolls eyes* lol

Here’s my inspiration for the day:

Sacrifice is giving up something good for something better!

So put down the cookie and go for a run, throw out the bag of chips and buy some fresh veggies, remember that what seems like a sacrifice today will one day be a habit you don’t even think about. You’ll stop hitting up the fast food joints and automatically make your own healthy dinner, you’ll stop reaching for the chocolate when you’re sad and automatically lace up your runners. You’ll reach your goals, and have the healthy body you want, and you’ll wonder why you put up such a fuss about giving up those mass produced cookies. What feels like a sacrifice today is actually you making the choice to do what is right and healthy for your body, you are putting you first, and that’s where you should always be!  🙂

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I’d Forgotten

28 Jan

I have been banned from exercising, which is sorta why I stopped blogging…again, sigh. I was in a car accident right before my bday and Christmas and got some oh-so-wonderful neck and back injuries from it which has caused my doctor and my physio to say I’m not allowed to do anything more strenuous then walking…oh, and the limit to the walking is that I have to go slowly and for short distances. Laaaaame! 😛

I HATE it! I can’t believe I became that person that misses going to the gym but, I am totally that person. 😦

I tried to compensate for the restriction in my exercising by cutting way way way back on what I am eating…which led to me going for days with maaaaaybe a proper meal being eaten over the span of every two days or so and then caving on like day 5 and eating pretty much anything I could get my hands on, effectively screwing over my weight loss efforts. *rolls eyes* I just kept thinking “stop eating! for the love of carrots stop eating you have no way to burn it off!!!” so I scared myself in to not eating, or barely eating, and then I’d be so hungry for so many days I’d eat waaaaaay too much and then feel horrible about myself because I over ate a meal. Guess I can’t start wondering where my metabolism is since I just knocked it on its head and it is now slumped unconscious to the side of my body. *groan*

But! My physio said I could go snowshoeing as long as I stayed to the path…which yeah, ok, kinda makes it lame snowshoeing cause who wants to stay to a path? But hey, I’ll take what I can get…and surprisingly, even sticking to the path I got a good workout and had fun! 🙂 I went with some of my friends from dragon boating and I felt like such a lard ass! Usually I have good cardio and am decently good at endurance but over a month of no exercising has killed killed killed that! I am so bitter about that! I worked hard to get to a level of cardio I could feel proud about and now that is gone…I sure hope it doesn’t take as long to get back as it took to get in the first place…

The craziest thing happened after the snowshoeing though, something I had forgot about, I felt…brace for it!…good about myself…craaaaaaazy times over here! 😉

Since I haven’t been able to exercise I have been feeling like I am getting fatter everyday, and I’ve been feeling really down about myself, my stupid ass solution to feeling down was to eat badly. I got in this rut of “who cares, I can’t exercise anyways, I’m disgusting and fat, just keep eating, what does it matter…” fairly blah uninteresting thoughts (hence the no blogging about them). After snowshoeing though I was all “yup, worked up a sweat, burned calories, had fun, wanna do it again” and all of that turned in to feeling good about how I spent that day…a feeling I haven’t had in quite a while. I guess, without my really noticing it, things had pretty much gone to shit over here. Stuff bringing me down that I can’t control, and then also me bringing me farther down by not giving my body the proper fuel. So, instead of eating healthy normal portions of healthy normal foods and at least keeping the chemicals that pump out of my brain nice an steady I was eating junk that gave me sugar highs and lows, made me feel heavy and lazy and slow and once the high wore off from eating them I had the double whammy of feeling bad about my actions and feeling bad because of what the food was doing in my system…talk about a wicked bad cycle!

So there I was, after snowshoeing, headed home and I had to detour to the grocery store because I needed milk for tea lol Oh me and my tea! 😛 I decided to make an investment, an investment in myself and I bought groceries, real groceries, real foods that aren’t processed, in boxes, filled with extra sugar and salt and who knows what. I bought fruit, veggies, milk (hey, a girl still needs her tea! lol), yogurt (the healthy kind) chicken and then even more veggies lol I haven’t had a proper grocery shopping trip since before I moved in to this apartment (which fyi, was Nov 1/12), rather pathetic when you think about it!

I used to cook everyday, I always cooked my dinner, and my lunch was (when I was working) cooked by me the night before and later (when I was laid off) cooked by me the day of…breakfast was usually fruit with a side of fruit and maybe some yogurt or before I cut back on processed foods I would have a measured out portion of cereal with a measured portion of skim milk on it. There were healthy snacks thrown in there too by the way. I had a plan back then, a plan I followed, I maintained, I lived with. Sure there were some concession to my social life (I was that person who snuck fresh fruit in to the movie theatre and would grab a 6″ subway sandwich instead of getting sushi with my friends) but somehow I was able to look at the big picture, see that the small sacrifice now would be worth my greater happiness later. What happened to that? *raised eyebrow* Where did that go? Somewhere along the way I stopped being proud that I had lost over 30lbs in a healthy maintainable way and all I started focusing on was the amount of weight I had left to lose. The more I focused on that last 15lbs the bigger it seemed, the bigger I seemed in the mirror, the harder it became to accomplish, the farther away that end goal was. Eating stopped being about eating tasty healthy foods that were good for me and became about restricting and punishing myself for eating at all. I don’t like the outlook I have on food anymore, I don’t like that I see it as an enemy, something to hate, something to feel negatively about every time I eat (whether I eat healthy or unhealthy). This isn’t a battle I can win, I will always need to eat, it’s not exactly a substance I can quit. But now I have to learn how to come to terms with food, how to get back on a healthy level with it and remember that when I eat healthy meals consistently and exercise consistently (once allowed that is) I will feel better about myself, I might even start to feel confident again…after all, I have lost over 30lbs, which compared to where some people are in their weight loss journey doesn’t sound that impressive, but I can’t compete with them anymore, I can only look at myself, just do better then yesterday, push that little bit farther when working out, eat a little bit healthier, cut out a bit more of the crap food that I don’t really need, find my balance again. I had it before, now it’s time to get it back.

So now that I am stocked up on healthy foods my new goal is to cook more this week then I eat out or not eat…does that make sense? I want to make my meals more often than not and they need to be healthy, balanced meals. No more having ten baby carrots and calling it dinner after having no breakfast and a small bowl of cereal for lunch…my plate will have a protein, a veggie and well, ok, a protein and a vegg…I don’t eat rice or pasta or potatoes (unless they are a treat!) cause I cut waaaaay down on grains etc but a protein and a veg for lunch and dinner plus a real breakfast of maybe some yogurt and fruit (or something like that), that is my goal, to have that more often then not this week. I already know that a couple of the days will be hard to manage just cause I have a crazy schedule this week but that is where pre-planning comes in to play right?

Huh, this post became way more serious then intended, I was just gonna yap about how good I felt after snowboarding and how that inspired me to get healthy food in the supermarket, didn’t mean to go all woe-is-me I’m all down about myself on ya…I’ll be cheerful again next time…most likely! lol 😉

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I Threw It Out

23 Dec

I can’t believe I did it, I actually threw out a donut, a fresh purchased from Tim Horton’s less then 2 hours earlier donut…it was a vanilla dip with holiday red and green icing on top, it was so pretty…or was before it had an unfortunate encounter with a book, oops!

Here’s the deal, I was at the airport with my cat, my whiplash and my muscle strain trying to figure out if I was hungry or not. I had a while to go before boarding but the food court was starting to close (quite early in my opinion) and I was left with making a rushed decision about food. I wasn’t feeling particularly hungry at that moment in time but figured once I got through security and was cut off from the various food sources in the airport my hunger would kick in and I’d be pissed that I chose to not eat. So I did what any self-respecting Canadian would do, I went to Tim Horton’s! 😀 Ordered a sandwich and on a whim decided to get a donut as well, I wanted a steeped tea but was about to go through security and knew I wouldn’t finish it in time and No Way am I throwing out a cup of tea!

Once the cat and I got through the ordeal of security (fun fact, you have to take the cat out of the carrier and walk through the metal detector while holding the cat so that the cat carrier can go through the x-ray machine…not that I would let my cat go through the x-ray machine but what genius *read that as moron!* came up with the idea of taking a terrorized cat out of his carrier in the middle of a busy airport???) *shakes it off* anyways! Once we got through that and were settled at our gate I decided it was din din time, Mmm! Timmy’s sandwich here I come! It was good, as I knew it would be, I got the turkey chipotle on brown bread, can’t go wrong there! 🙂

I had started debating about the donut, regretting the purchase, thinking I shouldn’t have done it, it was late-ish evening so I shouldn’t be having so much sugar, I wasn’t hungry now that I’d eaten the sandwich and I’m heading home to a bday dinner (mine), a xmas dinner (with the family), and multiple eating out situations over the course of the next week…do I really need to start my week of food-related-activites with a donut? That donut might be the item that tips the scale, that takes me from eating a bit too much to complete over indulgence, it might be the starting point of a horrible food week versus a not perfect food week…I know I know, that’s a lot of pressure to put on one little donut but I have found that the way you start a vacation is how you tend to maintain and end a vacation…it’s all about habits ya know?

So I pull the donut out of my purse (uh, it was in a bag of it’s own, not like it was loose in the purse lol) and realized my book squashed it! One whole section of it was smooshed almost completely flat! Poor donut. 😦 Now yes it was still edible, and some foods, oddly enough, are more tasty when slightly destroyed or just plain messier (like burgers, a burger tastes best when it is messy, I don’t know why, it just does, shrug) and I’m absolutely positive that donut would have tasted delicious but instead…I threw it out. Didn’t even feel a twinge of regret. Sure, I wasted the money I spent buying it but luckily donuts are cheap and if it’s a choice between wasting a bit of money and saving myself un-necesarry calories, well, I’ll save the calories everytime!

Here’s to having a great birthday (today) where I don’t feel I ate too horribly (home made stir fry for dinner thanks to my mom) and homemade birthday cake to go with it (hey! birthdays deserve dessert!). I may go a little crazy on xmas day but hey, I managed to throw out that donut so maybe I won’t? Guess we’ll find out! lol 😉

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I Forgot Wordless Wednesday!

13 Dec

Geez, it would have only been my second Wordless Wednesday and I forgot it! Does this mean I am destined to not do Wordless Wednesday in the future? Nah, I think it’s just cause it’s a new thing so I have to get used to it…I hope lol

Yesterday was Wednesday, duh, so I was supposed to take pictures of what I did and ate that day so I could show you instead of tell you…well, that was an epic fail if ever there was one, sigh. Too bad too since I had an awesome lunch! I was at the mall with a friend and we stopped at the food court for lunch. Now don’t go getting all “uh-oh, you screwed up didn’t you??” cause I didn’t! So there! 😛

I went to one of those grill places where you pick your veggies and protein from fresh raw selections then they grill it in front of you using a hot grill (shocking huh?) and a bit of water so it doesn’t stick, they then add the sauce of your choosing (I chose teriyaki) and was pleasantly surprised at the minimal amount of sauce the guy used, then it is served with some rice. Not so bad huh? I was heavy on the veggies but did put some crab, tofu and beef in there cause hey, ya gotta have some protein! I can’t remember all the veggies I chose, I love places like this though cause sure I can make a stir fry at home but somewhere like this has every veggie you could think of so you’ll have way more variety for your meal. I won’t remember them all but I know I had: carrots, zucchini, green beans, water chestnuts, baby corn, pineapple, bok choy, mushrooms, yellow and red peppers, celery…hmm, I know I am missing something, meh, it’ll come to me later probably. I also put some peanuts on there cause I am weak and I love peanuts in stir fry. 😀 All in all tasty and (I think) healthy.

The rest of the day was spent hanging with my friend at the mall, we were Christmas shopping, then coming back to the apartment to check on the poor cat. Oy! The day prior was his first visit to the vet, er, first visit since I have known him that is, I’m sure he was taken prior to our meeting. Well let me tell ya, this cat does not like going out of his comfort zone, he’s a bit of a worrier, hides a lot and has really sharp claws…not a good combo for stuffing him in a cat carrier and driving him to see a vet he’s never met. Oh, and he’s quite dramatic, if this cat could write he’d be writing his story and it’d be coming off as a Greek Tragedy! I of course would be the villain…despite my feeding him, changing his litter box, buying him treats and toys and a bed, moving when he wants the chair, letting him have half my bed even though he weighs ten pounds and I weigh, er, let’s just say I weigh considerably more then ten pounds 😉 lol shrug, he’s adorable though, so oh well, I may bitch but I love him (which really means I am whipped and he knows it!) So yes, I had to check on him cause he was still recovering from the ordeal of the vet. He was extra clingy so I cancelled my evening plans and stayed home with him, I figure he’s my cat right? I took responsibility for him which means when he is not in top form and wants comfort I stay home and be there for him. He’s lucky he’s cute! lol

Not the most interesting day out there, I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t try to take pictures of the day cause what would you have seen? Mall Christmas decorations, my lunch, the cat, um…that’s about it, oh well, dinner, wait, did I have dinner last night? hmm…I had the stir fry, oh! I had a totally delish small milkshake, so because of the milkshake I didn’t do dinner…so yeah, not a lot of great pictures would have come from yesterday. I’ll attempt to make next Wednesday mildly more interesting so I have some decent images to upload.

For today I have to tell you about a yum dinner I made, a salmon steak with maple smoked apple something or other sauce with roasted sliced yam and roasted red and yellow peppers on the side. It was tasty and, the best part! *drumroll* I cooked it myself! Yeah, that’s right, you read that right, I cooked it! In my kitchen, with my stove, served on my dishes! Perhaps this is the start of getting back to normal eating? I’d like to think so. 🙂 Tomorrow I can eat dinner at work but I’m going to attempt to remember to cook an egg for breakfast, here’s hoping I remember and don’t automatically go for a Clif Bar lol. 😛

Oh, a little sidenote, I was watching the movie Oceans 12 today (watched Oceans 11 last night) and seeing Brad Pitt eating something totally delish looking in every freakin scene has totally made me hungry! So not fair! Grr Brad Pitt, Grr! (I don’t really mean the “Grr” I still luv ya! lol)

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