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We Are All Expendable

15 May

Never forget that you are expendable – easily replaced in many ways, hell, sometimes not even replaced just made obsolete. A sucky truth but a truth nontheless.

Normally I am much more upbeat on this blog (I think…) but the end of last week was highly stressed and this is the first I am getting to type since then so I’m channelling all that stress and negativity. sigh.

First part of my stress was my oldest nephew had surgery, he is 10 and not nearly old enough to have to be dealing with surgery in my opinion…course his first experience with surgery was when he was 7 months old so I guess he’s an old pro by now. He made it through just perfect so no worries there but for all of wednesday, well most of wednesday, I was freaking out in my head about what stage he was at, if he was ok, why hadn’t somebody called me with an update…all that kind of stuff. lol. I finally got the news he was out and in recovery and would be staying in overnight but mostly for observation not cause there were complications so yah!

Thursday, ah yes Thursday, still a tad stressed about the nephew, I was waiting to hear that he’d been discharged and how he handled the night – turns out he didn’t sleep well during the night, he had an upset tummy and sore throat, and for some reason the doc didn’t do rounds early enough or something so he didn’t get discharged, weird, but who knows what goes through doctor’s minds? *rolls eyes* I figured him staying overnight could only be good for his progress so hearing he wasn’t getting out for another night actually put me a bit at ease, lol, random huh?

But! That was not the end of the stress. I got a conference call from my boss in Toronto, due to budget cuts (stupid freakin economy and bad real estate market! arg!) my contract is not being renewed and guess who is out of a job as of May 27th?!?! Yup! Me! Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Lemme tell ya, that call (which came through in the morning) did not set me up for a good rest of the day, I barely did any work the rest of the day cause ya know what, why the fuck should I? You’re gonna cut me cause you can’t manage to budget your department properly? Fine, I can’t stop that, but I can slow my work speed down sooooo much during my last two weeks that I get my own slight revenge. Let’s see how well your boss likes your productivity reports when I STOP working at peak efficiancy! RAWR!

phew, that rant felt good. teehee.

I only told my close friends at work about the deadline since I didn’t want to have to deal with the whole office knowing I was leaving in two weeks and me having to put a good face on for that length of time. I spent the rest of my work day writing up lists about why being laid off is a good thing, why I am ok with this, and how I will not panic because I am smart, capable, easily employable and will find a new job in no time at all…despite the economy and unemployment rates…

I really thought I was doing ok and handling the situation well, I went to a movie with KL that evening like planned and was all positive about it when telling her what happened…well…then things changed…

I gave her a ride home after the movie and after I dropped her off I stopped at a 7-11 and got 2 tocquitos, yum!, and a small slush – it actually wasn’t a splurge-eat-my-way-to-feeling-better-snack it was a I-didn’t-eat-dinner-and-was-so-hungry-I-was-about-to-be-sick-snack. lol. I believe tho that was the beginning of my downfall…I woke up friday when my alarm went off, didn’t feel like getting up and decided why should I get up? They obviously don’t care about me so why should I care about them? I called in sick.

Friday was spent sleeping, then eating a surprisingly healthy lunch, then dragon boating, then eating an uber unhealthy dinner…let’s see, I ate 3 ferrero rocher, 2 turkey wraps, a yogurt, 1/2 a box of Kraft Dinner, dessert breadsticks from Panago…oh, and a root beer. Yeah, calorie binge or what? or as KL would say “I ate my feelings”. huh, I just realized that read like all that was my dinner, that was what I ate all day. Can you imagine if I ate that all for dinner? I’d of burst! lol.

I made saturday a brilliant friggin day by stepping on the stupid scale, I gained over a pound – sorry, I don’t have my weight tracker beside me and for some reason (gee, I so wonder why? *rolls eyes*) I didn’t memorize the amount I gained. sigh. I know it was under 2lbs but over 1lb. Normally I’d wonder why my binge caused such a large weight gain when the rest of the week I was good points wise but stress will kill your weight loss – the more stress you feel the more your body not only doesn’t let you burn calories it holds onto them and actually makes you gain weight – pretty evil huh?

So now I am stressed about being unemployed as of the 27th of this month and I am stressed about gaining weight…vicious. sigh.

I managed to eat only my points saturday but went over today, the first 2 points I went over today were by accident, the second 2 points I went over by were because I neeeeeded chocolate and am still in enough of a funk I couldn’t bring myself to say no to, well, to myself. lol. I am hoping by tomorrow I will be farther out of my funk and better able to make smart choices about what I am eating…least I am starting to care about the choices I make so I figure that’s a start…

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2 Responses to “We Are All Expendable”

  1. Dacia May 18, 2011 at 5:12 am #

    Shit, that sucks. I am so sorry to hear about your job. I know you will bounce back quickly. You will find something great soon enough. Until then, hang in there the best you can. I am a stress eater, it is by far my biggest weakness and I can totally relate. Just try to make the best decisions you can but more importantly- don’t be too hard on yourself if you do slip. It’s ok, you will get through this.

    • shrinkingwmn May 20, 2011 at 9:44 pm #

      Thanks. 🙂 I keep reminding myself that this can be a good thing, something way positive can come from it…I don’t know what yet…but something! lol. A guy at work today said “it’s good you’re not crying everywhere and being sad” – well, duh, I am sad, it sneaks up and bites me in the ass but wha? like I’m gonna sit an wail? That won’t get me anything…except more weird looks lol.

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