You know when you lost something super important but it’s not really lost because it is in your apartment somewhere and you know it is in your apartment somwhere because you remember taking it out of the spot it usually lives and putting it somewhere “safe” only the logic you used to pick that so called safe spot is eluding you so now instead of being safe it is hidden and you are freaking out because what if you actually accidentally threw it out when organizing and it really is lost and not “safe”? phew…*deep breath*
this was me at 3am, only I am in colour
That was me, this morning, at around 3am. Freaking out because something wasn’t where I was so certain it would be and I couldn’t for the life of me remember where I put it and of course I couldn’t sleep cause who can sleep when they realize they may have permanently misplaced something super important? omg, must remember to breathe, and punctuate! lol
Luckily I found what I was freaking out about, put it in a new “safe” spot but this time the spot where it actually belongs and all is good in my little section of the world. 🙂
But yeah, that was me in the wee hours of the morning. Talk about not being in a good frame of mind for falling asleep. I’ve been running on low batteries today due to lack of sleep because of my 3am freak out. I’m all eager to go home, have a cup of decaf tea and chill before going to bed nice n early buuuuut I have a party after work soooooo no early bedtime for moi. Which in all honesty is probably better cause dude, I’ve gotta socialize! Can’t always have a quiet night at home or I’ll turn in to that rock with moss growing on it and well, ew!
You would think that in the final stretch of this challenge, when there are barely any days left to lose enough weight to be able to fit in to the pants I have hanging on my wall I would be doing everything right. You’d think I’d be exercising once a day or more, that I’d be following my eating plan so strictly that not even a little crumb of something bad for me would get near me, let alone in me. But this is me. And we should all know better than that by now. 😉
I am surprised at just how spectacularly I have screwed up these past three days. I’m talking epic levels of screwed up! EPIC! *sigh*
I’m ashamed at how badly I have been eating these last three days. Some of it I know why it happened, some of it I don’t. I know that right now I am a combination of “what’s done is done and tomorrow is going to be even worse so get over it” and “oh my god I can’t believe how badly I am sabotaging myself! do I not want to fit in to the jeans? do I want to be fat forever? put the freakin food down already and learn to have some semblance of will power damn it!”
Since I believe in tough love and generally am not all that nice to myself I am leaning more towards the second mentality than the first. I tend to mentally yell at myself a lot lol
So let’s catch you up on just how I’ve been screwing up shall we?
Monday, there were little pieces of pumpkin pie at work…there was no one around which means no witnesses…I ate three little pieces, ugh. They tasted sooooo good! That particular screw up was a direct result of not over eating the day before at the buffet we had at work for Christmas. Confused? Lemme try to explain. I did my best to eat healthy at the buffet at work, I didn’t eat the eggs benedict, the potatoes, the buns, the stuffing…basically a bunch of food I would have loved to of eaten. I did eat a small piece of salmon, one slice of turkey I cut the skin off of, veggies, two shrimp and smoked salmon. Everything I took I took a small amount of and did my best to scrape off sauces etc. I allowed myself to have a lemon tart for dessert and some fresh fruit. I had a relatively small amount of food by the end of my meal and was left feeling a bit hungry, which I am sorta used to since I usually feel a low level vague sense of hunger at all times. I like to think resisting that hunger makes me strong lol 😛 Everyone else stuffed themselves on the main foods and the desserts and loved every bite. None of them seemed to feel badly about what they ate or how much, they just enjoyed. I felt…deprived…which is stupid, but I did. People always walk away from buffets stuffed silly, especially Christmas buffets, free Christmas buffets, but not me, and it left me feeling…I dunno…like I was missing out on something. A little empty inside. Stupid, I know! As a result I ate three little pieces of pumpkin pie the next day. *rolls eyes* The three little pieces didn’t even equal one slice but it still set me up for the fall I was about to take off the meal plan wagon I had been on all this time.
My dinner was no better, I ended up screwing up there and going sooooo far over my calories for the day it is embarrassing. 😦
Tuesday I was going to get back on track, stop being a screw up and try to fix the damage I’d done Monday buuuuut that didn’t quite happen. I won’t go in to massive details and bore you but I ended up having to run around and fix something major uber important and didn’t get to eat until 3pm. By that time I was half starved and bought Thai food, specifically I ate Pad Thai. I love Pad Thai but had absolutely no idea just how bad it was for me, crap! Later that night when I was trying to find nutritional information I was pretty much screwed. The restaurant I bought it from doesn’t have nutritional information and everything I look at has such drastically different numbers for calories, fat, carbs, sodium etc that I don’t know which numbers to use. Since none of them had good numbers and I was feeling a bit sick from being so full I decided I just wouldn’t eat the rest of the day to balance out the ridiculousness that was that meal. That oh so tasty meal, Mmm. Would’ve worked but at a movie that night I ended up nibbling on a friend’s popcorn and twizzlers. It started as a joke, one of the guys an I were joking about how E is always so distracted we could probably sneak away his popcorn and he’d never know. Turns out we could snag it and once we had it how am I going to explain without looking like a diet obsessed female that “oh sorry, I can’t have a small amount of popcorn to finish off the joke cause it’s not in my eating plan”? I had a bit, and a bit turned in to a bit more, then somehow it turned in to also eating 4 twizzlers, and omg I didn’t want to stop! What the hell is wrong with me?! Movie junk food?? I don’t eat that crap! Arg! Bone head move or what? *flares nostrils* After the movie we went for drinks, I had this lychee drink that was so tasty! Lychee is one of my fave fruits. 🙂 It was lychee liqueur, peach liqueur, apple juice and lychee for garnish. Mmm! I don’t even want to think about the calories in that…
Then today. *rolls eyes* I started off alright, I had oatmeal, not on my eating plan but relatively ok to eat. I went to the German Christmas Market with KL this evening and we ate dinner there. I had a schnitzel in a pita, there was also coleslaw stuffed in there. Holy crap it was good! KL had meat in a bun covered with sauerkraut, we weren’t sure what kind of meat it was but I was betting pork. Dessert was a waffle on a stick. I love how so many foods can be eaten on sticks nowadays lol Oh, and two cups of apple cider.
My schnitzel wrap
KL’s unknown mean in a bun
Waffle on a stick drizzled in chocolate, Mmm!
That makes three days of epic food fails. THREE! I only have until Sunday to be able to fit in to those jeans if I want to succeed in my challenge and instead of making this final week an epic-do-everything-right-and-kick-ass-till-I-get-to-the-finish-line week I am going nuts with the food and lack of exercise and omg what the hell is wrong with me?? I’m so mad at myself! What’s worse is tomorrow is my work Christmas lunch and that won’t be anywhere near healthy!
I am right this very minute watching Celtic Woman Home For Christmas and loooooving it! This particular concert was filmed in the Helix Theatre in Dublin, *wistful sigh* one of the items on my “List Of Things To Do In Life” is see a Celtic Woman concert in Ireland because the concerts are always so beautiful looking. I saw one here, a couple years ago, and while the beauty of the singers voices brought tears to my eyes the venue left much to be desired. The concert was held where the hockey games are played and that big cube thing that hangs from the ceiling with screens on every side wasn’t sucked up in to the ceiling (nor were the screens used to show a close up view of the stage!) so a lot of people had blocked views. Lame! The concerts that are shown in Ireland though, wow! This one has the main floor of the theatre set up with tables and groups of 4 people are at each table, and one year they performed outside, on a stage in front of a castle! A freakin castle! I think the atmosphere created by such amazing venues would take the show up to that next level, and considering how high of a level they were at when they played here in the hockey arena that’s pretty impressive lol
This first video is all instrumental but the violinist is spectacular! This is one of her tame performances, normally she is leaping all over the stage!
This next video is one of the original ladies of the ensemble. I’m not a religious person but that doesn’t stop this song from being one of my favourite Christmas songs. Most songs are performed by 3-4 women, depending on the season, this just happened to be done solo.
But yeah, so having some trouble concentrating on my writing because I keep looking up at the tv lol
I have some happy happy news! 😀 I was searching for something to wear to work today, all my normal work pants were still damp (I hang my clothes to dry and they hadn’t quite finished drying, the slow pokes! lol) and while digging in my closet I found a pair of pants I put in there months and months ago cause they had gotten too snug. They were doing that thing where they were uncomfie cause (1) I knew they didn’t look good because they no longer fit properly and (2) they were actually physically uncomfie because they didn’t fit. I had half convinced myself I had shrunk them in the wash but instead of getting rid of them I tucked them away cause ya never know right? Well, out of sheer desperation I tried them on today and holy hannah! They fit! They not only fit they fit comfortably, and a little loosely. Not so loose they were falling down or anything but it wasn’t like they “just fit”. They were comfie, and not tight, and just…well…just perfect! 😀 Which meeeeeans I must have lost weight! Awesomeness! Now I kinda wish I had weighed myself at the beginning of this challenge, or measured myself or something so I could say “I lost X amount of pounds/inches” but oh well, I’m just happy to know I lost something lol. I have slightly less worries about being able to fit in to the goal pants which fyi, still hanging on my wall waiting for December 22nd. I’m kind of worried though, what if what I’ve been doing isn’t enough? What if I should be pushing more or eating less? What if? What if? What if?…sigh, I’ve gotta stop stressing about this, I’m doing what I can and have to trust the process buuuuuuut it’s hard! lol 😛
On a sucky note a friend at work was hit by a car this evening while running across the street to catch her bus. 😦 And because I am self-involved and apparently turn everything in to me-me-me I would really like to ask the Universe to stop having bad shit happen on my shifts at work! If I was keeping score, which I may or may not be doing, in the past month I have had 3 falls, 1 death and now a friend hit by a car. *insert scream of frustration here* Luckily I got a phone call from the hospital before my shift ended and it looks like she is going to be fine, she’s still in the process of getting tests but the signs were all good. Phew!
Last night was supposed to be the second part of the German Christmas Market but weather was crap and the three of us decided we’d rather stay in and have a girls night then go to the market and freeze/drown. We all agreed on getting take out and meeting at KS’s place. Luckily I have very UN-judgmental friends and they didn’t make fun of me when my “take out” was a salad and piece of tilapia that I made at home and brought with me lol I figured if I made my own dinner and took it with me I’d know exactly what I was eating nutrition wise aaaaand I’d save money. Win-win! 😀 I might as well confess that I had an itty bitty piece of cake, it was KS’s birthday recently and she had left over cake, it was chocolate orange flavour, Mmm!
I think I have found, well, almost found, a decent balance of following the eating plan and allowing myself to have little treats here and there. I didn’t feel guilty about eating a tiny bit of cake because I’d been eating really well all week and have my food tracker to prove it! I think I’ll use the Lose It! app for the forseeable future, it prevents me from tricking myself in to thinking I ate healthier than I really had which is important because I find when it comes to weight loss the easiest person to lie to is yourself.
Since I am writing about all kinds of things I will share with you a picture of the boots I am currently lusting over, man oh man do I want these boots buuuut not gonna buy em! Why? Well, cause even on sale I can’t afford them (boo!) but that doesn’t stop me from looking at the picture of them and wishing lol
Aren’t they so pretty? And warm looking!
Seems like my brain is all over the place today lol hence a sort of “round up” of all kinds of different things I wanted to share with you.
The cost of getting a hair cut is mildly ridiculous…well, if you’re someone with long hair. I know many guys who go every three weeks to get their hair cut and they spend less over the course of a year then I do and I get my hair done hmm, maybe 4 times a year max? Somehow that just doesn’t seem fair to me. But maybe that is just me?
I have a thing I am going to Tuesday and I wanted to get a quick trim so my hair looks tidy. Just a simple half inch to an inch off the ends and my fringe tidied up a bit. Not a big deal, right? Well ha! To get that done at the salon I normally go to would have cost me minimum $50 and that is if I am lucky! It never costs that little!
There is a salon across the street from where I work that I thought I’d try but they are closed Sundays, lame. However, when I was on the mall’s website checking out the salon I noticed there was one of those basic hair cut places, this one is called Great Clips. I never go to those places because I’m a firm believer of “you get what you pay for” and how good can a hair cut under $20 really be? But this was such a simple little trim it seemed safe.
It was not all that safe. Poor hair.
Because I have a lot of hair whenever it gets cut every hairdresser does the same thing, they pin most of it up, trim the bottom part, then gradually release the layers of hair and trim each layer separately, making sure each new layer matches the layers already trimmed. Makes sense, right? This lady swished some of my hair over my shoulder, cut a bit that still hung down my back, then pulled all my hair behind my shoulders so it hung down my back and started cutting. Ack! Who does that?! She didn’t even put the chair higher so she could easily get to my ends or have me stand up (my hair is that long that I am always asked to stand so the ends can be easily worked on). By this point I was starting to hope she’d forget about my fringe because while errors can be easily hidden with the long parts of my hair if she screws up the fringe (fyi that means my bangs) that is easily visible for the whoooole world to see. Well, she didn’t forget, damn.
I showed her very clearly where I wanted the shortest part of the fringe to be, they are side sweeping so they gradually get longer, and what does she do? Make em shorter, sigh. Not crazy horrible I-am-scary-to-look-at-short but noticeably shorter then what I said I wanted. Why do hairdressers do that? *rolls eyes*
Ah well, not like hair is that important in the grand scheme of life, and when I got home and fiddled with it I learned the hair is style-able which means I won’t look like a weirdo on Tuesday, or any day come to think of it lol
This is the lesson I re-learned though…You Get What You Pay For!
This trim cost me a little under $20, I left the hairdressers with still damp hair, shorter then I wanted hair and minor worries about just how even the back of my hair might be considering how she cut it. Maybe those places are ok for short hair, or kids hair but for my hair? Nope! Never again! Guess I’ll hafta keep coughing up the money to keep the hair looking purdy.
ohpleaseohpleaseohplease don’t look like that! pleeeeease!
Tonight was my work Christmas Party. It was at a gorgeous hotel, gourmet food and drinks, dancing, prizes to be won, mingling with all your work friends in a social setting, getting to dress up and feel pretty…
Guess who wasn’t there?
Me.
Again.
Grr.
I didn’t get to go last year either. 😦
See, the party is always on a Friday, I always work Friday evenings don’t I? Why yes, yes I do. Which effectively means I will never get to go to the over-the-top work Christmas Party.
Last year I was promised I would get to go this year since I had to work it. I was ok with that. Someone has to work during the party and last year I was perfectly fine with it being me since it does land on my shift. Also, the promise that this year I would get to go meant I wasn’t forever missing out on the event. Turns out the only “plan” made to let me go to the party was to ask the casual worker if she would like to work this evening. She said no for the perfectly legitimate reason that it is her birthday. That was the only attempt made.
Know what makes it even worse? I wasn’t even told! I had to ask if I was going to get to go and I got informed in an oh-so-casual way that nope cause K doesn’t want to work it the shift is yours. Lovely.
If they had told me earlier I would have asked both of the other ladies that share my job duties if one of them would be willing to swap shifts since last year I had to work the party and isn’t it only fair that I would get to go this year? Hell, one of the servers at work came up with a way to make it so I could go (it involved fiddling with shift times a bit), but management said no because, well, they can? They didn’t give a reason. Blarg!
I know it is stupid to be upset about it, after all it is just one party in the grand scheme of life but it is my only Christmas Party this year (my friends don’t really “do” Christmas Parties), my one chance to get to dress up, be at a formal dinner, go dancing…all that fun Christmas Party stuff. Plus! My friends at work (most of them anyways) left for the party right after their shift ended so they got changed at work, which means I got to see them all dressed up and wave them off into the night while I stayed behind. They all looked so great! They insisted I get in a group photo with them, it’s nice they wanted to include me but I looked at that picture after and there they are all glam and I’m not. I’m just in normal boring clothes. *pout*
I keep trying to look at the bright side, I am saving calories by not going to that meal, I’m sitting in my living room comfy in pj’s with a cup of tea a cat and my laptop while they are desperately trying to find excuses to slip their shoes off cause their feet hurt (well, the ladies anyways, the guys are probably fine lol), I don’t have to suck in my tummy all night and wonder if I look ok, I don’t have to find my way home late at night in the cold rainy air…um yeah, that’s pretty much all I got…and to be honest it was a stretch to find those reasons lol
Aww man, I just got texted a group pic of my friends from work all dressed up at the party, screw my bright side at not being there, I wanna be there! *pout*
Ok, pouty child moment over…
What gets me though is one of the staff members who doesn’t do my job offered to cover my shift so I could go. That would have meant she worked a 12 hour shift! She doesn’t even know how to do my job but she was willing to chip in so I could go because she thought it wasn’t fair I couldn’t go again. Management told her no because she doesn’t know how to do my job, which ok I do agree with that decision but what struck me is that she selflessly offered but the two ladies who also work the same position as me, who both were soooooo full of sympathy that I had to work tonight, who are the only two people in the entire place who could have actually helped me be able to go to the party did not think to offer.
Makes a girl think about things…
There we have it, my first (and only) Christmas Party post for the 2013 holiday season. Fairly pathetic. One day though! One day I will be a successful actress and will be turning parties down because there will be so many offers! Until then, it’s just me and the cat and the laptop chillin in the living room cause that’s how I roll. 😛
don’t mind my pj’s! lol. I couldn’t get the cat to look at the camera hence his profile shot 🙂
Alrighty, so I skipped writing a post yesterday and now I feel I have too much stuff to share and not enough time to type…that and I’m sure I’d lose all my readers before they got through such a long post lol I thought I’d try writing it all in bullet form, see how that goes, shall we give it a go? 🙂
I picked up my new headshots today! Yay! The levels of excitement I have over this are through the roof! They turned out great – I always feel like I’m being narcissistic when I say that lol I don’t mean they are great because of me but because of the border and the font for my name and the overall look of the thing. I want to share them with you but I don’t have photo shop so I can’t black out my name along the bottom and while I might be leaning to the side of “it’s ok to share pics of me on this blog now” I don’t want to give you my full name…no offence but I think we still need a bit of space between you an I, don’t you? 😉
When I was picking up the headshots I was driving through the sketchy part of downtown and saw a homeless guy sitting on the sidewalk, leaning against a building, surfing on his laptop. For some reason this made me really curious about what he was doing, updating his facebook status? Tweeting the random stuff he sees? Looking for an online sale? Job hunting?
Two days in a row I made sure to go to Zumba, yay me! I resisted my natural inclination to be lazy and exercised. I’m really enjoying Zumba, I get all sweaty and gross but have lots of fun while doing it. I have trouble thinking of Zumba as real exercise because of how much fun it is. Don’t take this to mean I look good while doing it! Oh heavens no! But hey, most of us look ridiculous to some degree so I figure that’s ok. 🙂
if I keep doing Zuma do I get to look like this? Pleeeeease?
I have been searching for a replacement piece for one of my cat’s toys for almost a week, finally got it which means the cat has stopped giving me looks of death every time he tries to use his toy and can’t lol Oh, and because I can’t resist buying the little furball stuff I bought him a soft catnip filled toy in the shape of a pig. Cutest. Thing. Ever!! For those of you who don’t know I heart pigs and seeing my cat scoop a little pig in to his mouth then walk purposefully away so he can have privacy while he plays with it was freakin adorable!
Another cat story, last night the cat clawed me in juuuuust the wrong way, ouch! His claw sliced through where my thumbnail connects to the skin of my thumb, along the side of the nail. He got quite deep and it bled for ages. Now it hurts to do pretty much everything and I am still muttering under my breath about getting a dog (in an attempt to put him in his place). He is of course acting super extra over the top cute (not a hard thing for him) and knows that I will forgive him soon…he probably also knows he doesn’t have to fear a dog being brought in here since he is obviously in charge, sigh, I’m so whipped 😛
I swear it is a lot worse then it looks in this pic and I’m not just a big baby lol
I watched an interesting documentary this evening called Xmas Without China. About how people in the States are so anti-China and anti products being imported from China but could not survive without them. A family got rid of all items in their house for the month of December that were Made In China and were not allowed to buy anything that was Made In China. Lemme tell ya, their place looked bleak once everything was taken away. Even their dishes were gone! It gave them a new perspective on just how much they rely on other countries (specifically China) to survive and how they as a country don’t really produce anything and the guy who came up with the project learned to be a bit less biased towards the States (probably a good thing since he moved there when he was 8 from China and is now at least mid-twenties).
I have lost the ability to sleep at night, ugh. I am going to bed later and later and even once I am in bed I don’t fall asleep, I just lie there, for ages. That’d be fine if I wasn’t about to start my work week, meaning I will have to actually get up at a decent time instead of sleep the day away. I’m not sleeping any longer than anyone else (on average) I’m just sleeping 4am-noon instead of 11pm-7am.
I’m really sick of the ads for Black Friday. Even though this weekend is not our Thanksgiving the stores up here give all the same Black Friday sales as you would get if you were in the States so there is a constant bombardment of ads via email, tv, billboards, radio, websites and any other way you can imagine telling us to shop! shop! shop! It’s not that I don’t like shopping but having a holiday that is supposed to be about families getting together, spending time with each other and thinking about what you are thankful for being oh-so-over-board commercialized is making me mildly disgusted with the whole thing. I don’t remember it being this bad last year, was it this bad last year? Also, I keep hearing that stores in the States are opening on Thanksgiving? Seriously? People don’t get a day to just chill with their families without feeling like they are missing all the best deals? Oy! I’d be pissed if I normally got it off but now had to work it because some corporate suit decided the store should open so he/she gets their yearly bonus *rolls eyes*
I bought mandarin oranges, Mmm! A sure sign of it being the Christmas Season! It’s ridiculous, no way can one person eat an entire box but I’ll do my best and then share the rest. 🙂
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
And that is it for now! 🙂 I’ll type you all later!
Oh the wonders of being online late at night when you should be sleeping, the things you find!
As if it wasn’t disgusting enough when that ugly CEO from Abercrombie & Fitch said his clothes weren’t for fat people…check out this youtube clip to see what I am talking about…
but the owner of Lulu Lemon is saying his yoga pants are only for women who have a gap between their thighs?
Check out this news clip to see the initial Lulu Lemon incident…
So ok, to give the benefit of the doubt a person could assume there was a glitch in the manufacturing of these pants that made them see through. Embarrassing for the ladies who inadvertently wore them in public but no lasting harm done right? However, the benefit of the doubt is quickly whisked away when you hear what Chip Wilson, the founder of Lulu Lemon has to say about the pants, this is an exert from an interview on http://www.bloomberg.com
Wilson: There has always been pilling. The thing is that women will wear seatbelts that don’t work or they’ll wear a purse that doesn’t work or, quite frankly, some women’s bodies just actually don’t work for it. And I can’t be —
Regan: They don’t work for the pants?
Wilson: No they don’t work for some women’s bodies.
Regan: So more likely that they’ll be see-though on some women’s bodies than others?
Wilson: No, I don’t think that way, because even our small size would fit an extra large. It’s really about the rubbing through the thighs, how much pressure is there, I mean, over a period of time, and how much they use it.
Regan: Interesting, so not every woman can wear a Lululemon pant.
Wilson: No, I think they can, it’s just how they use it.
I never knew this about Lulu Lemon and I feel a little sad to learn that a company that promotes healthy lifestyles is discriminating against people who are not the stereotypical size 4 or smaller yogi. I did some more research and learned that Lulu goes up to size 12 only (average size of a women in the US is 14) and the sizes 10 and 12 are harder to find in the stores, not as well organized/sorted and basically ignored by the staff. When staff members are interviewed they confirm the store caters to smaller sized women and for the most part tries to ignore anyone “larger”.
Lovely.
What is it with these co-founders and CEOs blatantly discriminating against an entire section of the population? Why are they allowed to get away with it?
I don’t buy Lulu Lemon pants, I did, once, I loved those pants! I bought them at one of the outlets so they weren’t quite as expensive as normal and I thought when I get to my target weight I’ll buy another pair because hell no was I buying a pair for each size I would become as I went down the scale lol that’s waaaaaay too costly. Thing is, I discovered Costco Yoga Pants, those are awesome! They are never more then $20, they last forever, don’t pill, aren’t see through, never lose their shape, don’t need to be babied as much as Lulu pants and I don’t live in fear of staining or somehow ruining them because hey, if I need to replace them it’ll only cost me $17! But I do love Lulu hoodies, in fact, if I could afford it I’d buy a new one right now because both of mine are too large (a nice problem to have but still a problem lol).
My new dilemma though, is should I buy from Lulu ever again? I don’t like the idea of supporting a company that purposefully excludes any section of the population, it is discriminatory and wrong. It seems even more twisted considering they are selling work out clothes. Uh hello, do they not consider the possibility of an over weight woman wanting to lose weight who wants to wear nice work out clothes vs an old t-shirt and sweats? By ignoring this demographic I feel the company is doing harm to themselves. The world is getting fatter, shrug, why aren’t the clothing companies recognizing this and adapting for the shape that society is becoming?
What I mostly worry about though is the lady who works up the courage to go in to Lulu Lemon for the first time, who is a bit larger, who has self esteem issues, who has decided to start a healthier lifestyle that includes working out and who decides to buy cute clothes to wear to help her feel better about herself when she hits up the gym. How will that lady feel when she can’t find something, in a store that sells work out clothes, that fits her, or that fits her and isn’t see through, or pilling, or designed to only last and look good on someone super tiny? How will her experience in a store that caters to size 10 and smaller affect her self esteem? How will the lack of sizes, the lack of choices affect her decision to go work out?
I know for myself, I get discouraged easily when it comes to my size. If I am in a store and don’t find things in my size that look good quickly I leave because I get embarrassed, I think I must be too fat for that store and walk away. Even though I fit in to Lulu Lemon clothes, and even though I love the hoodies, when I walk in to a Lulu store I automatically feel embarrassed and fat and like I don’t belong, just by the design of the store, the look of the staff, the size of the clothes, the fact that I swear every time I’m in one of those stores I am the biggest person in there and I feel like I am being stared at and judged. I know this is on my shoulders, it is my own problem, knowing that helps push me to go in to the store, to look at clothes, because I know it is my own insecurities making me feel that way. But what about that lady at the beginning of her weight loss journey, who feels all those things but also has the added problem of finding the pants she wants in a size 12?
I’m not saying companies should be patting us all on the head and trying to make us feel better about ourselves but I do think companies need to be more mindful of the varying demographics in society and stop purposefully excluding a group, any group, because that decision is most likely going to end up kicking them in their ass.
Imagine a wagon that represents the Insanity Program. Now imagine a 5’8″ redhead falling off that wagon, rolling on the dusty road, landing in the ditch, then crawling out of that ditch only to see the wagon never stopped and is too far away to catch so she does the only possible thing, she waves goodbye, sighs a bit, and comes to the realization she has woefully fallen off the Insanity Wagon, and fallen hard!
That is me, sigh.
😛
Have no fear though! I am jumping right back on…on Monday. 🙂
Now, I hate when people say “I’m starting a new diet on Monday” or “I’m going to start exercising on Monday” or anything else along those lines. Why wait till Monday?? What makes Monday so special? If anything, start Friday, people hate Mondays, they are tired and cranky and just want the day to end on Mondays, how is that a good day to be starting anything let alone a new diet and/or exercise plan? *rolls eyes* Start on a day you are happy, a day you enjoy, a day you aren’t counting the minutes down until you can go home and do nothing.
Anyways!
Since last weekend when I was out of town racing I have been an epic fail at following the Insanity Program, food wise and exercise wise. I’m ticked at myself over this, royally ticked! Grr to me!
I knew I wouldn’t be able to follow the eating or exercise plan on the Saturday and at least part of the Sunday but I thought once I was home Sunday I’d do the exercise session I’d missed on the Saturday and jump right back in to the eating plan…that soooooo didn’t happen! I was super tired and just couldn’t bring myself to exercise, that was already compounding the issue that not only had I missed the exercise dvd on Saturday I also didn’t have time to exercise on the Friday so that was two days in a row missed, ack! Plus, on the Sunday I was too tired to care about cooking or making sure I was eating the right amount of calories per meal or even the right amount of calories per day. I did eat meals from the Insanity Program meal plan once home on the Sunday but that’s about all I can say that I did slightly ok.
Then Monday I forgot to take my food to work with me so I had cereal for breakfast (my high protein cereal so that’s alright) but I had no mid morning snack. For lunch I ate food from work (salad with chicken on top, super yum!) then had stuff to do after work so I didn’t get home till after dinner time which means my timing for meals was way off that day! I somehow got my arse in gear and did an exercise session but I was lost as to which one to do…the one I should have done on the Friday? Or perhaps the one I should have done on the Saturday? Or should I just do the one I was supposed to be doing that day? I didn’t feel it was right to do the session that was originally planned for the Monday since i’d missed two, it seemed like cheating somehow but I didn’t want to be constantly three days behind for my exercise sessions…I ended up doing the one I should have done on the Friday, figuring I’d do Friday’s and Saturday’s exercises then on Tuesday I’d do Monday and Tuesday’s exercises and voila! I’d catch up! Lemme tell ya, that was a flawed plan. Epic-ally flawed. After the cardio workout I was all nuh-uh! I’m tired. It’s late. I wanna go to bed. I’ll catch up the next day. Catching up Tuesday made more sense, I’d be able to do one workout in the morning, one in the evening, spread em out a bit, sounds solid, right?
Tuesday did not go as planned. lol. I had a hair appointment that started a half hour late then took way longer than normal. Then I ate but didn’t have time to cook so I had Subway, then I went and did errands that couldn’t be put off, then while out got invited to a movie that evening so right from my errands I went and met with friends and before I knew it I wasn’t getting home till late. I didn’t follow the eating plan that day, or the exercise plan, while it was a fun day it was not a “good day” if you know what I mean. *rolls eyes*
From there it just kept getting worse, and now it is Thursday, I haven’t done an Insanity workout since Monday and I’ve been totally going back to my old ways of eating (that is, I’ve been skipping meals and not eating the combo of protein, healthy fat and carbs that I am supposed to be eating). I’ve been trying (for the most part) to choose things to eat that are close to what I should be eating but I’ve been nowhere near as strict as I should have been.
So I’ve decided enough is enough. Every day that I don’t do the Insanity Workout or follow the Insanity Eating Plan I feel like a big fat failure. It gets me down and I hate that. Should I have done a better job of getting back on track? Yes, without a doubt. Did I? No, obviously. But I am human and as a human that means I am allowed (and pretty much expected) to screw up, it’s just what we do! Don’t believe me? Check out the damage to the ozone layer! 😛
Instead of feeling like a failure, feeling like I suck at this, like I can’t do the Insanity Program I have decided to get more upbeat and come up with a plan of action. 🙂
I am starting back, as best as I am able, with the eating plan tomorrow. It won’t be perfect cause I haven’t gone grocery shopping but I will do my best and for the next three days that is all I am asking of myself. I will do my normal workout stuff, so gym, running, things like that, for the next three days and allow myself to feel good about just in general being active. On Monday I will start back at the beginning of the Insanity Workouts, that’s right, back at Day 1. I won’t redo the fit test since I don’t feel it will have different results but otherwise, it will be like I just started the program. I will also get my butt into gear, go grocery shopping, go back to my food schedule so I know what I am eating and when and I will no longer be “doing my best” with room to not get it right, instead I will be “following the plan”.
Sure, there are still going to be days where something goes a little wonky, but that’s life right? For the most part though I feel I should be able to get right back in to the Insanity Plan without too big of a hitch in my stride, and get back on that freakin wagon I shall!…on Monday lol 😉
p.s. fyi the reason I am waiting till Monday to start the plan again is because Insanity has you working out 6 days a week and I want my rest day to be Sunday. If you do the math that means I have to start on Monday…
Today was what I would have once called a “food day”, that is a day where you are always hungry and eat an eat an eat, you don’t care what you eat, you just eat. It didn’t matter what I ate today or how much – I wanted more…but…I didn’t cave! I ate the food I took to work, I snacked on fruits and veggies and when I got home I ate a healthy dinner and still have one point left, oh yeah baby!
To make it an even harder day it is also a “fat day”, I am sure that doesn’t need any explanation. sigh. I hate fat days, they are bad enough when you aren’t trying to lose weight cause really, what do you do? You wear something looser then normal, eat even more food then what you usually would and figure whatever, you’re already a fat cow who cares if you add more weight to your ever widening ass? It’s not a happy mind set, or a healthy one really. Having a fat day when losing weight is even shittier…I felt like I had made no progress (even though I know I have lost weight), I felt like I should give up, I felt like stuffing cake and McDonald’s and Chinese food and sushi and anything else that crossed my mind in to my mouth cause hey, I am fat and depriving myself of all kinds of foods I really like and it’s making me miserable and just eat already!!! Normally I don’t feel deprived by not eating all those foods I mentioned, I have a goal and a reason for the goal and I am slowly getting closer to the goal but today, it was like a little demon was in my head feeding me thoughts perfectly designed to get me to cheat. It has been a hard day.
now imagine the devil whispering in my ear all day about food...bastard!
The eating portion of my day is almost over and I still have 1 point left, I am going to use that point to eat a weight watchers 1 point candy. I convinced myself earlier to use some flex points, I had an argument all worked out about how it’s ok to use flex points sometimes and why not today? But I have decided I am not gonna do it, I don’t want to use my flex points, I don’t want to get on the scale saturday and wonder if I had only had some willpower on tuesday would the number showing be even smaller? I don’t want to give myself room for doubt…and that is what cheating will give me, all the space in the world. I have a habit of engaging in self-destructive behaviour, I am surprised I haven’t tried to screw myself over already, I have never tried to resist the self-destructive behaviour…it’s hard and seems to go against everything that is in me but I am gonna give it a shot.
Today I have eaten:
2 Weetabix Biscuits = 2 points
1/2 cup 1% milk = 1 point
1 1/2 cup strawberries = 1 point
1 cup Roasted Red Pepper and Tomato soup = 2 points
2 triangles laughing cow cheese = 1 point
1 cup cherries = 1 point
1/4 cup couscous with corn = 3 points
mixed raw veggies = 0 points
1 Fresh Express Salsa Supreme Salad = 8 points
1 corn on the cob = 1 point
1 tsp margarine = 1 point
So far I am at a total of 21, and like I already said I will eat my 1 point candy and finish up for the day. I think I will go down some more water to try to trick my tummy in to thinking it is full and then go to bed so I am not aware of how much I want to gorge on the cookies that are in my kitchen…or the ice cream…or the pasta…why do I have this stuff?!?! Argh! lol
Have you ever noticed what a funny looking word ‘rhythm’ is? I had to go double check the spelling because it just looked too funny in my title; according to google I spelled it right so here’s hoping google didn’t steer me wrong! lol
I was back in my eating rhythm today (thanks to work, sigh), up at the crack of dawn (well, ok, 6am but it felt like the crack of dawn…course I don’t know when dawn is right now so maybe I am right? :P) and off to the office (hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to work we go!) where I had to sit in air conditioning aaaaalllllll day. I hate a/c, whoever invented it is just mean, and whomever implemented it in the building I work in is sadistic. I want to enjoy the heat of summer not spend my days wearing sweaters and drinking tea comparing goose bumps with the girl I sit next to! No wonder adults stopped having fun in everyday experiences, the wonder and joy of the world gets sucked out of you the longer you have to sit in air conditioned rooms toiling at work instead of enjoying the summer and going out and playing. *rolls eyes* adults are so stupid – myself included since I am (for now anyways!) joining in with this stupid practice of wasting my summer. I can’t wait until I lose this weight and can finally get me another agent who will then get me kick ass auditions that will land me paying acting roles where I can love my work and have summers off (unless I do movies then I will be working at all different times of the year)…
…and with that segue, to my weight loss! Charge it! lol
I found out today that Malibu (a lady at work) has also decided to join Weight Watchers, however, she makes more money then me so she actually joined Weight Watchers while I am using hand me down books and info from my mother and taking this wonderous little journey on my own. She joined online and so far seems to be enjoying it – she joined friday so it’s not like she’s been on it long. She seems to think that my willpower to resist all the treats at work comes from being on WW and since she has been cheating practically everyday on the diet plan she was trying she seems to think that joining WW will boost her willpower in to high gear and bam! she’ll lose weight. I don’t know how I feel about this…which seems petty, I know I should be happy that I apparently provided some inspiration and now other people are trying the same program but…it’s my program! I was the only one at work doing WW and I kinda liked it that way, and well…she can actually afford to join, which means she’ll get all the benefits of being involved in WW that I don’t get cause I can’t afford it. It doesn’t seem fair that someone who joined WW cause of me gets all the benefits of being a member and me, the person who (accidentally) convinced her to join still can’t afford to join. sigh. So now you know, I am vain and petty! 😛
I guess I was enjoying being the only one at work on this particular program; it was sorta my domain and I am territorial and don’t like sharing so I figure this blast of petty-ness comes from that and hey, kudos to Malibu for trying a healthy program to lose weight…man I hope she doesn’t lose weight faster then me, that’ll just blow! lol
On a happier note, I cooked something new today! I was quite excited about it (still am really) but when talking to JF on the phone discovered that my new cooking accomplishment is not that big a deal in the land of people-who-have-been-cooking-dinner-for-years. lol. I made…ready? Corn on the cob! …no, that is not a joke! 😛 I have never made it before but there was a stand selling fresh Chilliwack Sweet Corn on my route home so I decided to buy corn cause I thought it’d go well with the hot weather we are having. Who doesn’t like corn on the cob with dinner on a hot night? I just wanted one and the guy looks at me like I am crazy and says they are sold by the dozen…uh, that still doesn’t stop me from only needing one. Eventually we settled on three which now I am glad about cause the one I had tonight was deeeelish and I am looking forward to having another tomorrow night with diner. 🙂 I mentioned to the guy selling it I was going to google how to cook it and he said put it in boiling water for 3 minutes. Nice, easy, I can do that, this is looking promising. Here is where the really sad part comes in (sad as in you’re gonna laugh at me kind of sad lol). On the drive home I peek in the bag at the corn all excited about my little treasure and practically swerve cause my corn doesn’t look like corn, it’s green! Green?!?! Say wha?? When I got home I did what all self-respecting adults do, I called my mom. 😛 Told her about buying the corn etc and then asked what was wrong with my corn cause it is green. She starts laughing and says that is the husk and I have to take that off and the yellow corn that I am used to seeing is underneath. Oooooohhh, hmm, somebody should write that on the corn…er, husk. So then a perfectly natural question on my part…do I put it in the boiling water with the husk still on? Got quite the stern NO! on that one. After detailed explanations on what to do at every stage of the corn cooking event I got off the phone and decided to put my newfound knowledge in to action…and I made corn on the cob!!! It turned out perfect! Oh, and I was right, it was a great side to my dinner on this hot summer night…it goes great with salmon. 😀
My food today:
3/4 cup Special K Blueberry = 2 points
1/2 cup 1% milk = 1 point
1 cup grapes = 1 point
1 piece toast = 1 point
1/4 cup Maple Baked Beans = 1 point
1 babybell cheese = 1 point
1/4 cup couscous with corn = 3 points
1 cup cherries = 1 point
1 Dill and Herb Salmon Steak = 3 points
1 corn on the cob = 1 point
1 piece toast = 1 point
2 tsp margarine = 2 points (used on toast and on corn)
1 Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich = 2 points
1 pck Weight Watchers Cheddar Twists = 2 points
Total points used 22! See? Back in the rhythm. 😀 I could have done without that last snack but I figured what the hell, eat something, use up the points and be done with it. I think I have had 4 days in a row now where I didn’t use all my points so it was nice to actually use them all again. I am a little worried I won’t lose weight cause of not using all my points but 2 of those 4 days I was sick and the other 2 days were the weekend and I always struggle to use up all my points on weekends. Ah well, nothing I can do about it now. 🙂
The Amazing Shrinking Woman 