Tag Archives: willpower

$18 Jug of Milk

8 Apr

Do you ever do that thing where you go in to the store for one item and come out with a bagful?

That was me this evening, so my intended $2 and change purchase of milk turned in to $18 and change for milk plus some other stuff. *rolls eyes*

This doesn’t happen to me when I go actual grocery shopping, then I go with a list and I get just what is on the list…ok so sure I also sometimes end up with a treat or I buy something I know I’ll need soon that is on sale now but in general, I follow the list.

When I go to buy one or two items though it is like all hell breaks loose with my willpower over choosing what I pick up and next thing you know I’m spending $20 when all I intended to purchase was a bunch of bananas, or like this time, milk.

What’s with that?

My mom does the same thing, so maybe it is genetic? πŸ˜‰ lol

This time I justified some of the items because I didn’t have cash on me and no way was I using my debit card for such a small purchase so I figured hey, buy one or two other things just to make the purchase amount less pathetic but those one or two other things turned in to about 6 things and next thing I know I’m unpacking croissants and cereal and turkey pepperoni and milk and a couple other things on to my stove (I don’t have a kitchen counter) and wondering what the hell I was thinking.

I’d love to say all the items are essentials but who am I kidding? Froot Loops are not essentials…well, essential to my sugar levels and happiness but nutritionally? Not quite! lol Though if I thought on it long enough I’m sure I could find a way to justify them…it is a fortified cereal after all… πŸ˜‰

grocery shopping


Middle Ground

15 Mar

I’ve got a pair of pants that when I bought them I thought they fit but once I got them home and wore them out for the first time I realized they were actually a bit too big. The crotch (I hate that word! lol) was too low so it rubbed against the inside of my thighs causing pain and raw skin…too much info? only happens to me? Yeah, sigh, figures… πŸ˜‰ lol

Anyways! I put the pants in the dryer, a calculated risk, that I hoped would prove to be a smart idea. It did, sorta. The pants, after a couple runs through the dryer fit better around the waist, butt, hips and leg areas. They were a tad shorter than I like but not so much shorter I can’t still wear them with a variety of shoes. Phew! My legs are so long I hang to dry all pants because they can very quickly become too short and I look like that person who is expecting a flood 24/7 lol πŸ˜›

So today for work I wore the pants. I was maaaaaybe an hour in to my shift and every time I was standing or walking I was also pulling the pants up a bit and wishing I’d worn a belt. They were fitting looser in all areas but of course were still the tad too short they had been since the dryer stints.

I don’t know if this means I have lost a little bit of weight (please oh please mean I have lost some weight! *crosses fingers*) or if it means my pants have stretched out a bit or didn’t shrink quite as much as I realized. Obviously I’m hoping I got smaller not that my pants got bigger.

I seem to appear to be back in the middle ground of clothing sizes. I hate the middle ground. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, it is that stage where you are becoming too small for one size but are still too big for the next size down so your clothes don’t fit nicely no matter what you wear. It sucks even if it is an indication you’re on the right track.

this goes for all clothes

this goes for all clothes

Thing is, I can’t think of anything that would have made me slim down a bit so I’m leaning towards the pants stretching out, which sucks.

I’ve been working on making small changes with my food, cutting out the processed foods I’d been enjoying during my off season, drinking more water, making sure to get protein in at every meal (well, ok, almost every meal, this is me after all lol), and, the big one, I’m eating less peanut butter! Shocking I know! I mean c’mon, I am the person who happily eats a couple spoonfuls of peanut butter and considers it a meal lol But yeah, small changes to my eating, nothing major, nothing to warrant slimming down enough to make pants fit looser.

One happy bonus to the pants fitting loosely this evening was it made it easier to resist bad-for-me-foods cause I kept thinking “if I have lost some weight I don’t wanna gain it back by making a stupid food choice” lol Oh the things I use for increasing my willpower! πŸ˜›

I have noticed lately that I am finding it easier to resist the foods that usually have me caving. Weird huh? Weird but awesome! If I walk through the bakery section at the grocery store I may glance at all the bakery items I usually drool over but I don’t pause and I definitely don’t buy. I contemplated pizza earlier in the week but easily managed to not order it. I’m finding it easier to not eat the foods at work.

I’m not sure where this increase in willpower has come from but I like it! πŸ™‚ Maybe it’s because it’s dragon boat season again and I want to be in peak condition for practices and for the upcoming race season. Maybe it’s because I am “training” for the BMO Run and keep having horrifying images of a fat me being the last to cross the finish line at the run. Maybe it’s because I have had two auditions in the past two weeks (hoorah!) and want to look better and better for each upcoming audition. That and obviously the more confident I feel about how I look the less I will worry about it when in front of the camera meaning the more I can focus on my acting…and the Β more I will look “right” according to casting directors.

It’s probably some combination of all these things and more, who knows what is lurking in my sub-conscious? lol πŸ˜‰

Whatever it is, I am glad for it. Glad to be that person who easily walks past all the high calorie, processed, so tasty but so bad for me foods and buys the healthy stuff. Glad to be getting back to the way I used to be. Glad that this juuuuust might be the first step towards a healthier, stronger, slimmer me. *crosses fingers*

take the first step, put down the cookie!

take the first step, put down the cookie!


Three Day Gong Show

18 Dec

You would think that in the final stretch of this challenge, when there are barely any days left to lose enough weight to be able to fit in to the pants I have hanging on my wall I would be doing everything right. You’d think I’d be exercising once a day or more, that I’d be following my eating plan so strictly that not even a little crumb of something bad for me would get near me, let alone in me. But this is me. And we should all know better than that by now. πŸ˜‰

I am surprised at just how spectacularly I have screwed up these past three days. I’m talking epic levels of screwed up! EPIC! *sigh*

I’m ashamed at how badly I have been eating these last three days. Some of it I know why it happened, some of it I don’t. I know that right now I am a combination of “what’s done is done and tomorrow is going to be even worse so get over it” and “oh my god I can’t believe how badly I am sabotaging myself! do I not want to fit in to the jeans? do I want to be fat forever? put the freakin food down already and learn to have some semblance of will power damn it!”

Since I believe in tough love and generally am not all that nice to myself I am leaning more towards the second mentality than the first. I tend to mentally yell at myself a lot lol

So let’s catch you up on just how I’ve been screwing up shall we?

Monday, there were little pieces of pumpkin pie at work…there was no one around which means no witnesses…I ate three little pieces, ugh. They tasted sooooo good! That particular screw up was a direct result of not over eating the day before at the buffet we had at work for Christmas. Confused? Lemme try to explain. I did my best to eat healthy at the buffet at work, I didn’t eat the eggs benedict, the potatoes, the buns, the stuffing…basically a bunch of food I would have loved to of eaten. I did eat a small piece of salmon, one slice of turkey I cut the skin off of, veggies, two shrimp and smoked salmon. Everything I took I took a small amount of and did my best to scrape off sauces etc. I allowed myself to have a lemon tart for dessert and some fresh fruit. I had a relatively small amount of food by the end of my meal and was left feeling a bit hungry, which I am sorta used to since I usually feel a low level vague sense of hunger at all times. I like to think resisting that hunger makes me strong lol πŸ˜› Everyone else stuffed themselves on the main foods and the desserts and loved every bite. None of them seemed to feel badly about what they ate or how much, they just enjoyed. I felt…deprived…which is stupid, but I did. People always walk away from buffets stuffed silly, especially Christmas buffets, free Christmas buffets, but not me, and it left me feeling…I dunno…like I was missing out on something. A little empty inside. Stupid, I know! As a result I ate three little pieces of pumpkin pie the next day. *rolls eyes* The three little pieces didn’t even equal one slice but it still set me up for the fall I was about to take off the meal plan wagon I had been on all this time.

My dinner was no better, I ended up screwing up there and going sooooo far over my calories for the day it is embarrassing. 😦

Tuesday I was going to get back on track, stop being a screw up and try to fix the damage I’d done Monday buuuuut that didn’t quite happen. I won’t go in to massive details and bore you but I ended up having to run around and fix something major uber important and didn’t get to eat until 3pm. By that time I was half starved and bought Thai food, specifically I ate Pad Thai. I love Pad Thai but had absolutely no idea just how bad it was for me, crap! Later that night when I was trying to find nutritional information I was pretty much screwed. The restaurant I bought it from doesn’t have nutritional information and everything I look at has such drastically different numbers for calories, fat, carbs, sodium etc that I don’t know which numbers to use. Since none of them had good numbers and I was feeling a bit sick from being so full I decided I just wouldn’t eat the rest of the day to balance out the ridiculousness that was that meal. That oh so tasty meal, Mmm. Would’ve worked but at a movie that night I ended up nibbling on a friend’s popcorn and twizzlers. It started as a joke, one of the guys an I were joking about how E is always so distracted we could probably sneak away his popcorn and he’d never know. Turns out we could snag it and once we had it how am I going to explain without looking like a diet obsessed female that “oh sorry, I can’t have a small amount of popcorn to finish off the joke cause it’s not in my eating plan”? I had a bit, and a bit turned in to a bit more, then somehow it turned in to also eating 4 twizzlers, and omg I didn’t want to stop! What the hell is wrong with me?! Movie junk food?? I don’t eat that crap! Arg! Bone head move or what? *flares nostrils* After the movie we went for drinks, I had this lychee drink that was so tasty! Lychee is one of my fave fruits. πŸ™‚ It was lychee liqueur, peach liqueur, apple juice and lychee for garnish. Mmm! I don’t even want to think about the calories in that…

Then today. *rolls eyes* I started off alright, I had oatmeal, not on my eating plan but relatively ok to eat. I went to the German Christmas Market with KL this evening and we ate dinner there. I had a schnitzel in a pita, there was also coleslaw stuffed in there. Holy crap it was good! KL had meat in a bun covered with sauerkraut, we weren’t sure what kind of meat it was but I was betting pork. Dessert was a waffle on a stick. I love how so many foods can be eaten on sticks nowadays lol Oh, and two cups of apple cider.

My schnitzel wrap

My schnitzel wrap

KL's unknown mean in a bun

KL’s unknown mean in a bun

Waffle on a stick drizzled in chocolate, Mmm!

Waffle on a stick drizzled in chocolate, Mmm!

That makes three days of epic food fails. THREE! I only have until Sunday to be able to fit in to those jeans if I want to succeed in my challenge and instead of making this final week an epic-do-everything-right-and-kick-ass-till-I-get-to-the-finish-line week I am going nuts with the food and lack of exercise and omg what the hell is wrong with me?? I’m so mad at myself! What’s worse is tomorrow is my work Christmas lunch and that won’t be anywhere near healthy!

I’m never gonna fit in to my jeans…

Salsa and Tuna, Who Knew?

22 Nov

I may have slightly, kind of, maaaaaaybe forgot to cook some form of protein for dinner before I left for work *bats eyes innocently* Which means of course no dinner while I was at work. Lemme tell ya, that sucked.

It wouldn’t have been as bad if I worked somewhere that didn’t have a fully stocked kitchen that produces gourmet meals twice a day. Oh, and don’t forget the large open container of Ferrero Rocher that was for any and all staff to nibble from. Those are one of my all time favourite chocolates in case you were wondering, so yummmmm!

Back to the food.

I didn’t even read the menu at work today cause I didn’t want to know! The more I know about what masterpieces are being made in there the more I have to fight against the lure of the food. sigh. Knowledge is not always power. πŸ˜‰

I did have to go in to the kitchen eventually, for actual work stuff, but after the kitchen staff were done and the yummy smells were no more. However, there are always, and I mean always! freshly baked cookies in that kitchen. So mean!

The most random thing kept me from grabbing a cookie…on the Lose It! app I use to track my calories and exercise there is a bar graph, if you stay at or under your allowed calories for the day the bar is green. If you go over your calories the bar goes red, as in danger! danger! you are heading to the dark side! take that food outta your mouth! (I always imagine that in a robotic voice for some reason) I really didn’t want the line for today to turn red, I also didn’t want to have to confess to you my dear readers that I messed up, again. So, no cookie for me. No Ferrero Rocher for me. No dinner cooked by the chef at work for me. Let’s just say there were a lot of food options today and none were for me. *rolls eyes* What’s scary is it is just going to keep getting worse because it’s that time of year, *sing song voice* You know what I am talking about! The time of year where it seems you can’t turn around without coming face to plate with something deeeelicious but ridiculously high in calories. Chocolate. Cookies. Cakes. Puddings. Sauces. Fudge. Candies…and sooooo much more!…not that I’m focusing on it or anything… πŸ˜‰

For my oh so late in the day dinner I tried something new. A friend told me that my taste bud savior while eating Paleo would be salsa. Now, I’m not a hater of salsa, but I also wouldn’t say I was a lover of it. It is one of those things that is there, and is good for the occasional nacho-fest but otherwise? Meh. I’m not that bothered. I trust this friend though so salsa now lives in my kitchen. I decided to open a can of tuna, mostly because I bought an avocado and this morning when I felt it up it was at the perfect-eat-me-today-or-I-will-go-bad-overnight stage. Usually I mix tuna with light mayo but my random burst of inspiration had me mix a can of tuna with 4 tbls of salsa, I then topped it with diced tomato and half an avocado. Surprisingly it was good. Oh, and I don’t mean “good but I’ll never eat it again” but actually “good, I’m gonna hafta buy another can of tuna soon”.

avocados...can't trust em!

avocados…can’t trust em!

Sidenote: when I say I ate the can of tuna what I mean is I ate most of the can of tuna but a portion of it is automatically given to the cat or I forfeit my right to exist in his presence and he will kill me overnight. Anyone with a cat understand this. πŸ˜‰

what would happen if my cat didn't get his share of tuna...

what would happen if my cat didn’t get his share of tuna…


Willpower vs. Rules

3 Jun

I don’t have willpower. There I said it, my big secret is out. I used to have it, or did I? I think what I had was a list of rules I followed and mistook that for willpower. They are eerily close and yet so not the same thing.

Willpower is when you can just say no when somebody offers you something you really really really want but shouldn’t have. Willpower is also when you can say “ok, I’ll just have one” and actually mean it. So, for example, someone puts a platter of your favourite dessert in front of you (say, lemon tarts), a person with willpower can go “no thanks, I’m ok” and mean it! They could also say “yeah sure, thanks, I’ll have one” and mean that too! They don’t go sneaking around and snagging a second, then a third, then a fourth, eating them guiltily when no one is watching. They can set a limit and stick with it.

Someone with rules has a set list of rules in their head in regards to food that they follow come hell or high water. This person, when offered the lemon tarts might say “no thanks, I can’t” then snag one (or some) when there is no one around to catch them. Or they might respond with “sure, screw the diet today!”, take two to start with and end up eating who knows how many by the end. Or! They might say “no” and end up eating something else later when they won’t get caught to make up for the missed treat. The other option of course, for the person with the rules is to say “nope, can’t thanks” and actually stick with it.

This is where the confusion between the two begins because outsiders mistake the saying “no” and sticking with it as willpower when really it was just the person sticking to their self-imposed rules.

Why do I think the saying no and sticking with it is different in those two cases? Because the person with willpower could say yes and eat just one whereas the person who is following rules can’t stop at one – they can’t say “yes” without going overboard with what they eat, they don’t have the willpower to stop. Only the rules keep them in line and if the rules are thrown out the window chaos ensues.

Maybe I am the only one who sees the difference?

The reason I see the difference is because while I was following Weight Watchers I got a lot of comments from people about my willpower, how it was so great, so strong, yadda yadda yadda. At the time I didn’t think about it, I think I usually responded with comments about how anybody can do it if I can type of thing because deep down I felt uncomfie with the term. I didn’t know why I felt uncomfortable, I just did.

Lately though I think I partially figured it out…

I didn’t have willpower when I followed Weight Watchers, I had rules, rules they made up and I followed. As much as I hate following rules I chose to follow those ones, and having made that decision I followed them to the best I was able. Sure I had slip ups, mistakes with calculating my points, unexpected events that had me using flex points I wasn’t intending on using, days I forgot my lunch at home when I went to work so I had to buy something, things like that but I’d say that is fairly normal, and things like that didn’t happen all that often, shrug.

When I plateaued with Weight Watchers I didn’t know where to go, I was lost. For all that they had taught me portion control and I now had an idea of what the layout of my plate should be (half veggies, 1/4 protein, 1/4 carb if wanted) I still had no clue what I was doing. The rules had stopped working for me and I couldn’t survive without them, they were my beacon and it got turned off and I was left in the dark, on a dingy, slowly drifting farther and farther from shore. That plateau was the beginning of a screwy chunk of time for me food wise.

I stopped eating as much vegg and fruit as I used to, I didn’t make sure to get protein everyday. I started going all over the board with no rhyme or reason. Last summer a friend put me on a new track, a super strict track, a track with not many rules but the rules that were there were hard core. Everyone was surprised and impressed when I not only started following the plan but succeeding at it. Cutting out so many things seemed impractical but in my head I figured follow the plan until I get the final results I want then slowly incorporate some of the restricted foods back in to my eating plan as treats. I can do anything if I know it won’t be forever.

The super strict plan did work, I never got quite as small or as toned as I wanted but I got stronger, and there were changes, and I liked the changes.

Then life happened lol.

A severe restructuring of my schedule (I got a job!) messed with the super strict plan I was on, I started breaking from the eating plan more and more, and missing more and more gym days until I couldn’t say I followed any plan except an eat-whatever-I-choose-and-don’t-regularly-exercise-plan. During all this I was dragon boating, getting in to a relationship, moving, breaking up, and dealing with all the other random shit life throws at ya. *shakes fist at life* πŸ˜‰

I kept trying to get back on that super strict plan but it just isn’t livable, doable, manageable for a long period of time if you have my job/life/schedule. Or at least I never found a way to make it doable. And voila! My rules were gone. I had nothing in my head saying “don’t eat the dessert”, nothing stopping me from eating carbs (holy hell had I missed carbs!), nothing preventing me from ordering pizza multiple times in a month! I’m so disgusted with myself when I think of how off course I got…although, I suppose “off course” is the wrong term, I wasn’t on a course/eating plan anymore, I was left alone, drifting in that stupid dingy again with even less clue of how to get back. Because now I had failed twice over. Failed at Weight Watchers. Failed at the super strict plan my friend introduced me to.


But now I am trying a new way of thinking. I didn’t fail, not at Weight Watchers, I lost 35 freakin pounds on that plan! Sure, I plateaued and they couldn’t help me anymore but losing 35 pounds is not a failure! I find I have to keep reminding myself of that…I also have to keep reminding myself that I have kept that weight off, even with all my problems since then those 35 pounds stayed away, that’s not a failure, right? (although to be honest, I haven’t weighed myself in a loooooong time and I think I may have gained a couple pounds but all my clothes still fit and look good so it can’t be that much of a weight gain) And sure, I fell off the wagon with the super strict plan, but it was never meant to be a long long term plan, and sure, I’ve never been able to get myself back on it, but some healthy things I learned from it stuck with me. Like cutting out the carbs, and increasing my protein, and eating as little processed food as possible…things like that.

What I need to find is a balance, an eating plan I can stick with, that is healthy, that has reasonable rules. But! I need it to be flexible enough that when someone offers me a lemon tart I can start building up my willpower and say “no” because I don’t want it, and actually stick with the “no” and not be saying “no” because of rules I am following. I have to learn to create my own boundaries around what to eat and what not to eat, I need to learn to make my own rules and use those rules like training wheels while I build up my willpower. Does that even make sense? Probably not…

Regardless of if it makes sense to you, I have started coming up with an eating plan that is balanced, healthy, and manageable with my schedule. I can’t afford to go grocery shopping till Friday so I won’t be implementing the plan until I have bought groceries buuuuut I can modify what I already have to follow as close as I can the eating plan I am coming up with. Creating my own rules to help me build up my willpower.

With a plan in place this just might be doable! Yah! πŸ™‚

A Fresh Start

13 Aug

Alright so I haven’t been on here if for-evah! I know it, you know it, we all know it…so can we just forget about it and move onwards? Please? πŸ˜€

Where did I go? Nowhere exciting lol. I’ve still been here, doing the same ol same ol that is my life, I just haven’t been blogging about it because well, I couldn’t figure out what to blog about. It was easy when I was on Weight Watchers, I could talk about the points, what I ate, how I followed or didn’t follow the plan, it was easy to see if I was doing things right or if I was going off course. This new plan I switched to is harder to track, I mean sure I have an app that I use to track all my nutritional information (right down to the macro-nutrients, it’s quite scary actually…) but I wasn’t ever really sure if I was doing things right every day, so how could I type about it, not like it’s fair to ask you to help me figure it out, sigh.

Well, add to the confusion of the new eating plan and my increase in Dragon Boat practices (three times a week, wOOt!) and my laziness (like we didn’t all know that was a factor?? lol) blogging dropped by the wayside…is that the proper expression? I’m never really sure…Oh, and don’t forget my having a life, I do have one of those you know, and it does take time out of my blogging, facebooking, emailing, twittering, msn-ing, google-ing, youtubing when it amps up…hey, something has to give, there isn’t enough time in the day for everything! lol

I managed to get a job, finally! It pretty much rocks, I really like it…not as much as oh say, getting paid to act!!! but it’s a good company, good hours, good people just in general good place so I’m content for now…not that I’m giving up on you Hollywood! I’m still coming for you!…somehow…

An awesome perk to this job is that I get fed there, for a measly $2 I get to eat what the kitchen makes that day and oh my gawd do they make amazing things! Doesn’t matter if it’s lunch or dinner you get a starter (soup or salad), the main course and then dessert, all for $2!! I’ve never eaten so well! The other night I had leg of lamb for dinner, with Mediterranean veggies and roast potato wedges, oh the salad was a Greek salad and there was a strawberry tart for dessert, YUM! Everyday is like this, which is awesome cause well, hello? Foooood! but what sucks is it is gourmet level restaurant quality food (you are thinking that isn’t a sucky thing but for someone trying to lose weight it is!), cause think about it, when trying to lose weight do you eat out 4 times a week? Nope, you don’t! Unless you’re kinda crazy or have a wicked weird lifestyle but let’s not go there k? πŸ˜‰ And why don’t you eat out 4 times a week? Oh, maybe perhaps because you have no say in how the food is cooked, what ingredients are used…things like that…and you start to GAIN weight! Yeah, you read that right, GAIN weight! Even with all my dragon boat training and gym going I started getting rounder, sigh, and well, that just can’t be allowed to happen!

I took myself off the meal plan today, no more gourmet meals for moi! Nuh-uh! I am going to go back on my low carb, high protein, high healthy fat eating plan and begging mercy from my metabolism. I am going to amp up my exercise routine and hope to hell I can reverse the damage and start going down in sizes again. I’d say down in numbers on the scale but my scale is wonky so I’m going by clothes sizes right now, and how the clothes I currently own are fitting. Jeans are such a good indicator of how your weight is doing aren’t they? Unforgiving bastards that they are…er, I mean, helpful wonderful pants that I could never do without *grumble*

I’m going to go back to basics with my blog, I started using it way back when to hold me accountable because I knew starting Weight Watchers was going to be hard and if I didn’t have other people to be accountable too I’d find it too easy to cheat. I got over that and realized cheating on what I eat or my exercise was cheating myself so I stopped needing this blog to hold me accountable and used it just because I liked to blog. But now, I am going to use it to hold myself accountable. My food will be boring, you’re going to feel pity for my taste buds, and I know on work days when I am smelling all that amazing food, and watching the others eat it and listen to them commenting on it I am going to be sooooo tempted to cheat, but that is where this blog will come in to play (again! lol) If I cheat I have to tell you, and I don’t want to have to admit that I failed, wasn’t strong enough to resist temptation, couldn’t do it. All of you reading this are what is going to help make me strong while I build up my willpower. I can’t believe I let myself slack so much, not when I put in all that hard work. I’ve gotta get back to the grind and this is my first step towards doing that!

On a side note, I know I’ve been away a while but what’s with all these ads at the top of my wordpress screen?? Can I get rid of those, they are super annoying, grr.

I Resisted! wOOt!

4 May

I was supposed to go out for lunch today…I was supposed to go out for lunch yesterday too and while I did go yesterday I went to the Salad Loop instead of the planned Vietnamese restaurant because a vicious little voice in my head started harping at me about points, and tracking, and cheating and how I have eaten poorly for 2 weekends in a row and don’t deserve a treat-lunch. *rolls eyes* Stupid evil voice – but I’m also kinda grateful for it since it saved me who knows how many points.

Total digression there, sorry! Ok, so lunch today, I was supposed to go to this new street vendor that has Halal Free Range meat and vegetarian gravy. I am not concerned with vegetarian, free range or Halal criteria but others in my office are and the discovery of this cart was a happy thing for them. I was going to go, I told them yesterday I would, but today I just couldn’t do it. The menu is limited, there is Philly Cheese Steak (with beef or chicken), something else smothered in cheese or a rice box that has chicken, rice and something else I can’t remember – lol, pretty bad memory happenin tonight but I figure it’s cause I didn’t actually go to the cart, shrug.

There were no easy to calculate points food items on that menu and the only thing remotely healthy looking was the rice box but I remember when I read what was in it I realized looks are deceiving and it wouldn’t actually be good for me…so instead of caving…I resisted! Yes, that’s right, all applause welcome, *takes a bow* I actually called up my willpower and resisted! *happy dance*

I lost faith in my willpower a while ago – it’s not that my willpower is failing me it’s that I am failing my willpower – I have been indulging in lots of things I shouldn’t have been and instead of listening to the voice in my head that says “don’t eat that moron!” I convinced myself it was ok “just this one time!” and smoosh! there goes my willpower smashed under the heel of my boot.

Poor willpower.  😦

I am working on rebuilding my ear canals so they hear my willpower voice and today was a nice change – me obeying the willpower instead of ignoring it. πŸ™‚

Oh! This evening I listened to it again! It’s amazing – twice in one day! πŸ˜€ I was still really hungry after dinner and I was going to eat my Mr Big chocolate bar…yeah I know, I shouldn’t have bought it but I did so no point in regretting it…eating the chocolate bar would have put me 1 point over and I was all “it’s only 1 point, who cares about 1 stupid point?” then that voice started nattering. It pointed out that I went over by 1 point yesterday, there are healthier snacks that will not put me over by a point, I have done nothing remotely close to exercise today so haven’t earned any kind of treat…and well, it went on but it started getting rude and I am not comfie repeating what it said in polite company. πŸ˜‰ lol

Instead of the chocolate bar, which I have now had to hide so I don’t grab it and chow down, oy, I had a bowl of Special K and 2 pieces of BodyWise bread toast with 1/2 tbls light peanut butter spread on top. Huh, I just realized I was like one of those Special K ads…weird. πŸ˜›

So 2 wins for willpower, 2 epic losses for…um…for food? That’s not right…and it wasn’t cravings…um, 2 epic losses for bad food choices! Yeah, I like that. πŸ™‚

Today I ate:

1 Hearty Medley’s = 2 points

1 Mediterranean Vegg and Pasta soup = 4 points

1 pear = 1 point

2 crumpets with honey = 2 points

1 turkey burger patty = 3 points

2 pieces bodywise bread = 1 point

1 cheese slice = 1 point

29 grams Special K Vanilla Almond = 2 points

1/2 cup 1% milk = 1 point

2 pieces toast = 1 point

1/2 tbls light peanut butter = 1 point

Total points eaten = 19

Go me go – I didn’t go over, in fact, I am 1 under, wOOt! I am undecided on my last little nibbly snack…will it be a 1 point weight watchers mini chocolate thing, a weight watchers little choc bar from England or a 2 point Activia yogurt. I know the yogurt would put me over by 1 point, but yogurt is healthier then the other options…sooooo, nutrition or chocolate? 2 points or 1 point? *shakes head* Quite the decision to be made…I think I will sit and ponder and see what the voice of my willpower has to say about it πŸ˜‰

Well Shit…

23 Jan

Ok, I don’t want to write this…it’s embarassing but here goes…I gained weight, a LOT of weight, sigh. I am now back to getting 21 points a day, how sucky is that? Not only did I gain weight but I gained enough I get an extra point per day…not that I’m not happy to get the points worth of food but uh, nobody wants to go up a point! The whole point is to go down a point every month and a bit or so…but nooOOOooo, I went UP! Can you say Loser? and yes, that is with a capital L, sigh.

On the rational side of my head I know that I was supposed to gain weight because I lost a huge chunk of weight all at once due to being so sick and that isn’t healthy but come on! Almost 2 lbs worth of weight?!?! So not cool. I also know that I had a huge meal last thursday that took approx 24 hours to digest so (1) apparently my body isn’t digesting properly yet and (2) totally went over my points so even if I wasn’t having my first week of eating all my points per day I over ate so much that I wouldn’t have been surprised to gain weight but still! *stomps foot* I wanna pout this sucks so much.

And get this, on saturday which was when I stepped on the stupid scale do you think I went “ok, I went up in weight but that’s cause I am finally able to eat again so just focus and you’ll lose it again – this is gonna be fine!” ? No, I didn’t have that wonderful little convo in my head! Instead I hopped in the shower and tried to ignore theΒ urge to cry cause I do NOT cry! And then I went and over ate…really great start to getting back on track and losing that weight I put on huh? *rolls eyes* I was hanging out with friends all day and we ended up eating at dinner time but for all of us that was our first (and in my case) the only meal of the day…because it was my only meal I convinced myself that I could order whatever cause, hey, it’s my only meal! Moron. sigh. I had a pulled-pork sandwich (omg, sooo good!), it came with yam fries and a tiny bit of coleslaw. I ate the entire thing! Didn’t save half the sandwich for a different meal, didn’t leave some of the fries on the plate…nope, none of my little tricks were followed at that meal, I ate it all! I felt guilty the whole rest of the night, sigh.

So now it is Sunday and all I want to do is eat, oh dear. I slept in and didn’t get officially up for the day until about 1pm – I’m such a slacker. lol. When I went to eat tho it was weird cause I wasn’t hungry, shrug, but I figured oh well, eat anyways cause I should be hungry and probably while I am getting food ready the hunger will kick in…well, it didn’t.

Where did my appetite go? I am not sure…wherever it went it took my willpower with it, arg. Seriously, all I wanted to do today was eat…and I did. I didn’t go over my points so that’s something but man, all day I kept finding myself in the kitchen getting something to eat – recipe for disaster that! Fruit, home made pizza, home made muffins, more fruit, toast, yogurt…it’s been like a never ending buffet! Even though I didn’t go over my points I feel bad for what I have eaten todayΒ –Β  there has been no flow to my food today, it’s all been choppy, not thinking about how many points I will have left for the rest of the day, not wondering how long this will keep me full for, just eating whatever I felt like at the time…so now it is 10:27pm and I am hungry but I have no points left and since I ate a frickin pulled pork sandwich yesterday and used god only knows how many flex points it’s not like I can go eat something and justify it because I have all my flex points for the week left…*rolls eyes*

I will ignore the hunger, and attempt to ignore the home made muffins I made that are cooling on my dining table (you can find the recipe on my new Recipes Page) and go to bed soon in the hopes that when I wake up tomorrow I will have my willpower back…thank goodness I have Zumba tomorrow, I desperately need to get some activity in to my life again. huh. Who ever thought I’d write that? lol. πŸ˜›

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