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This is not happening again?!?! Really? sigh…

25 Sep

Ok, that title implies I am more mad then I really am. lol. Today was weigh in day and I stayed the same as last week, sigh. Upsetting? Yes. Understandable? Yes. It’s that understandable part that is stopping me from being upset. shrug.

I was sick this past week, didn’t eat all my points two of the days, barely managed them the next day…it’s a given I was not gonna lose weight this week. Altho, I sorta hoped I’d lose more then normal cause of being sick, ya know? But I think I would have had to be sicker for longer for that to happen…like those times when you have a stomach flu and spend a good 5 days not even thinking of food cause that makes you have to run to the bathroom. ew, right? But hey, we’ve all been there, so whatever. Anyways, I wasn’t that sick so I didn’t get that kind of weight loss.

I have had my regular lazy saturday and am debating on how to spend the rest of it…movie? tv? book? chillin with friends? oh so many options and so little time! lol.  I should have forced myself to be productive today and gone for a walk or hike or something…I had intended to but shrug, it just didn’t happen. Now I am kinda glad I didn’t cause I was sitting watching tv and bam! all of a sudden exhausted and having trouble keeping my eyes open, what’s with that? So I made s’thing to eat in the hopes it’s just my body needing some fuel but maybe it’s not and maybe my body needs a couple more days of chillaxing before it’s at top level.  That’s all good, ya gotta give your body some pampering at times to help it work at full throttle. 🙂

So far today I have eaten:

1/2 cup Sidekicks Three Cheese pasta = 4 points

1/6 Delissio Pizza = 5 points

1/2 cup cottage cheese = 2 points

5 baby potatoes with onion = 1 point

1 hamburger patty = 4 points

1 cheese slice = 1 point

Puts me at 17 points, it’s all good tho cause there is lots of evening left to have a snack in. 🙂 I have weight watchers tortillas that are only 1 point per tortilla instead of the 2 points for the tortillas I have had up till now so maybe I will fill one with nutella and some peanut butter and eat that…not sure tho, when there is lots of time left in the evening and lots of points left I kinda get overwhelmed cause there are so many options for what to have. lol. Crazy huh?

I mean, I live in a country that has so many options for pretty much anything you can think of you’d think I’d be used to having lots of options and making a decision but I am finding it more difficult now because I know that if I eat that tortilla wrap with nutella and peanut butter then I can’t have anything else for the rest of the night and what if I get hungry? or crave something? or just feel like a nibble? Is it just me that has this problem or do other people worry about this? I never thought about it before, if I wanted that wrap I’d have it and if later I wanted something else I’d have that…I had all those options and I over-chose from them, now knowing where the line is for how much I can have, well…sometimes it can feel a bit pressured. *rolls eyes* I know, I know, weird. But hey, I never claimed to be normal! lol. 😛

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Double Tap

24 Sep

teehee, double tap has absolutely nothing to do with my post I just really wanted to type it. It’s from the movie Zombieland which I just finished watching and enjoyed. It was funny; not crazy funny, not laugh out loud funny, but funny.Ya know?

I am about to re-watch  The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, seen that? I saw it in theatre and was floored by how amazingly great it was. I don’t understand why LA feels the need to remake the movie in english, what? Is all of north america so fricken lazy that they can’t read sub-titles?? This has become a pet peeve of mine, recently, as recent as oh, say, this past summer when I saw the movie in theatre. lol. I never really thought about it before but man, this movie rocks and should be allowed to stand on its own but for some reason they are gonna re-make it and since no other country has as much money to put in to a movie as the states it’s gonna get over shadowed, it’s just wrong. Luckily they have already finished filming the third in the trilogy so hopefully I will get to see the third in theatre before it gets shelfed in north america for the english speaking version.

And boy, that’s a lot of rambling about something that has nothing to do with my weight loss path…or does it? teehee. It is connected in that I love movies, could spend my entire day immersed in them and this I am sure has affected how I see the world, how I see people…how I see myself. I have crappy self esteem and a completely negative personal body image. I hate seeing myself in a mirror, in pictures…anywhere. I prefer going through my day not seeing what I look like – then I can imagine I look the way I feel I should look, the way my inner self looks. I think we all have inner selves but maybe you don’t, maybe it’s just me and I am a little bit weirder then I realized. lol. Don’t you have an image you think you project to the world in your head and every now and then you see yourself in a mirror and realize you are way off base? That the self-confident able to handle anything look you think you have actually looks like an overweight frumpy boring person?

Now, deep deep down I know I don’t look like a self-confident able to handle anything person, but I like to think I do and when I can’t see what I look like I can imagine I do…make sense? It’s all about tricking myself and I gotta say, I have gotten fairly good at it over the years. 😛 I am not one of those people who blames my body image issues on media, I don’t think it is the fault of movies or tv or magazines or books…sure most of the women I see and read are thin and beautiful in their own way but hey, I am working on the thin part and then, well, I won’t be beautiful but I will be quirky looking, thin and quirky…that’s a perfectly acceptable look, especially in the entertainment industry which I am hoping to break in to soon. Ya gotta work with what ya got, and ya gotta be honest about it…which means I have to be honest with  myself with what I will be cast as and a 5’8″ red haired blue eyed lady isn’t easy to cast, durn my red hair. sigh. I s’pose I could say “why wasn’t I born blonde?” but if I had my choice of any hair colour it’d be jet black and that’d be just as hard to cast as the red so ah well, I shall work with what I have. 😀 hmmm, all that sounds like a whiny babble and I s’pose it is but it doesn’t bother me all that much, not really. Sometimes I think about it, usually when it’s the day before weigh in day and I am inwardly freaking out about having to step on that stupid scale, but most days I can push it aside. 🙂 

I should stop looking at myself in the mirror in the bathroom, lol, sounds stupid I know but twice a day everyday I do a body scan, I turn, look at myself at different angles, try to see where the fat is coming off, and when I look in the evening I am poofier then in the mornings cause it’s end of day and this means I get all “it’s not working, I swear I am just as big as when I started…” blah blah blah. Seriously mirrors are bad bad things…maybe if the world got rid of mirrors none of us would have body image issues cause we would never really know what we look like…or maybe I should just not look in one right before I post cause man this did turn in to a ramble…oops…

Here’s what I ate today:

29 grams Honey Nut Cheerios = 2 points

1/2 cup skim milk = 1 point

1 banana = 2 points

mixed raw veggies = 0 points

2 triangles light laughing cow cheese = 1 point

1 Lean Cuisine Honey Mustard Chicken = 5 points

1 english muffin = 3 points

1 battered frozen fish fillet = 4 points

1/2 cup mashed yam = 1.5 points

cooked mixed veg = 0 points

3 tbls Veggie Caviar = 1 point

20 Breton Minis = 2 points

This is a total of 22.5 points which would be perfect except that I am really hungry…hmm, don’t know what happened there. I should be fine, I ate spaced out meals like I am s’posed to but here it is 10:30pm and I feel like I could eat a meal…sigh. I know I have flex points and I am gonna hafta use some I just can’t figure out what to eat…I still have it set in my head to never ever use them so trying to figure out what to use them on is hard…what is really worth my flex points? The bigger question is how many of them do I want to use? Seriously, feel like I could eat a meal here but I don’t want to use that many this late in the day…must find a snack! Off to the kitchen I go…I’ll type ya after weigh in tomorrow…man, I shouldn’t think of that, now I want chocolate. lol. 😛

EDIT:

so for my snack I had 1/2 cup cottage cheese and an apple, that put me at 25.5 points for the day which is not so bad considering. 🙂

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Too Much Too Fast?

23 Sep

So I went back to work today after two days off sick and thought I was gonna hafta curl up in a ball under my desk and sleep. lol. I woke up a freakish half hour earlier then normal and had some moronic thought that hey, I’m awake why not get up now? And I actually did! This is why people should never make important decisions in the morning!

Anyways, there I am, up, early, oy, and at work nice n early. Now this might lead you to believe that I could then leave early at the end of day so no harm no foul right? Wrong. Thursdays are sword fighting night and if I have to stay downtown until class starts I might as well stay at work and get paid for the time. shrug. So there I was, at work, for what felt like forever and barely able to keep my eyes open. I apparently didn’t look very good cause I kept getting comments from co-workers, sigh, way to make me feel better people! eesh. I didn’t think I would make it to sword fighting class, I mean, if I can barely stay awake sitting at my desk how am I supposed to be able to hold my sword up for an hour and a half?

AC, who is a mom and sits beside me, was very mom-like in telling me I shouldn’t go to sword fighting I should go home, eat some soup and go to bed early. Isn’t that such a mom thing? Now, if I was vaguely responsible about things I would have taken that advice…and I let her think I was taking the advice btw. I learned from my own mom to never let them know ahead of time you aren’t gonna listen. lol. I left work and gee, somehow ended up at class. *shocked gasp* How’d that happen? 😛

I hate to say it but I think she was right, sigh, why are moms always right?? I had trouble keeping the correct posture and holding my sword up and I was so tired I felt like I was in a fog…course I was in that fog all day so that wasn’t really new…anyhoo, no energy me attempting to hit targets with my rapier…didn’t work out so well. 😛 Oh, but for all that I was not doing very well others did worse! One of the girls hit one of the other girls in the face with the tip of her sword. teehee. Now before you get all “omg, you’re laughing at someone getting stabbed with a sword!” the swords are tipped and she did not die…or lose her eye which was quite close to where the sword hit…she is bruised a bit but it’s like a victory wound. I am only bruised on the shoulder and collarbone area, shrug, nothing I can show off and give a good sword fighting story about. sigh.

My appetite was wonky today, didn’t want to eat for most of the time but then would have these moments where all of a sudden I was hungry. I managed to eat all of my points, yah me!, but haven’t managed to eat my exercise points, boo me!

Let’s run down what I ate:

29 grams Honey Nut Cheerios = 2 points

1/2 cup 1% milk = 1 point

1/2 banana = 1 point

1/2 cup Sidekicks Three Cheese pasta = 4 points

1 cup butternut squash soup = 2 points

1/2 cup cottage cheese = 2 points

1 Activia = 2 points

1 plum = 0.5 points

1/2 cup Chipotle BBQ baked beans = 2 points

1 piece toast = 1 point

1 light cheese slice = 1 point

1 Jolly Time Kettle Corn pckg = 1 point

1 pckg Quaker Granola Crunch’ers = 2 points

That puts me at 21.5 points for the day and 3 exercise points earned.

I know I said I ate all my points for the day and I thought I had until I was typing out my food list and realized I counted the full 2 points for the banana but I only ate half the banana, oops! Meh, a measly 0.5 points under won’t kill me tho…and I know I know, I have exercise points and I should eat them but come on, it’s 10pm and I am not hungry. (and yes, you imagine a whiny voice saying that, lol)

The plum, in case you were wondering, is only 0.5 a point because it was so small. There were two of them so it should have been a one point snack but one got bumped around really badly in my bag and was too bruised to eat, too bad cause the one I had was really yummy, nice n sweet. 🙂 Oh, and that granola snack at the end of the day, weirdly awesome. Something I bought on a whim, one bag is two points and one bag is a decent sized snack so that’s all good. They are odd tho, this granola and chocolate ball thing that is bite sized…it reminded me of something I can’t quite place, don’t you hate when that happens? I’ll just hafta eat them some more till I figure out what it reminds me of, oh the hardships! lol

So overall for today I feel like maybe I pushed it a bit but I am glad I went sword fighting…I could have done with another day off work tho, but hey, who couldn’t do with that? 😛

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My head may just stay on my neck after all, nice!

22 Sep

So day two of being sick but I am already starting to feel better, yah! A friend of mine in a completely different province seems to have the same thing, we were texting today and comparing symptoms and we are creepy in sync. We are both feeling better so that’s good. 🙂

I got closer to my points today – mostly cause I purposefully ate something really high in points lol, but I count even that as a step towards being better. The wanting and being able to eat less bland foods, definitly a sign I am almost better, right? Right!

Today I ate:

1 toasted pb & j sandwich

    – 2 pieces toast = 2 points

    – 1 tbls light peanut butter = 2 points

    – 1 tbls light raspberry jam = 1 point

1 cup Sidekicks Three Cheese Pasta = 8 points

So here I am at a total of 13 points for the day which you would think would be bad but it’s only 7:20pm so I have time to fit something else in there…I don’t know that I actually will but there is time. lol.

Being that all I did today was sit at home and recuperate I have nothing interesting to post about, shrug, sadness for all the readers who have gotten this far lol, but tomorrow I go back to work and I have a sword fighting class – I am sure something will happen that will be at least a bit interesting…and if not, well hell, I will find something to post about. 🙂

So for now I think I will go make a cup of tea and toast my immune system, cheers!

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Why do we all say it?

21 Sep

What is it we all say you wonder? It seems everyone I know, including myself, when sick say “I hate being sick” – or some variation of that. Uh, duh! Course you do! Who likes being sick? Well, besides those people with psychological disorders who actually get a kick out of the attention they get when sick…and I am not one of those! I hate being around people when I am sick, I want to hide in the dark till I am better. I hate people hearing me talk when my voice is barely there, I hate people seeing me blow my nose, cough until I think I am gonna hurl, nap on the couch…I just hate it all.

So of course I am sick. lol.

I haven’t spoken a word all day (it’s now 9:30pm) because of how much my throat hurts and my head feels like it’s gonna split open from the throbbing. Luckily my fever/chills broke earlier today so that part seems to be done with but oh man do I feel miserable. Here we go, I am gonna say it: I hate being sick. 😛

I managed to eat some food today, about 13 points, and that’s all I am gonna be able to manage. sigh. This better not screw up my weigh in day! Even today, when sick, when I finally managed to make it in to the kitchen to find something to eat I took my slider with me and calculated points. lol. Crazeee!

So here is what I ate today:

1 instant quaker oatmeal (maple and brown sugar) = 3 points

5 baby potatoes = 1 point

2 cheese slices = 2 points

1 piece bread = 1 point

1 cup 1% milk = 2 points

1 Activia yogurt cup = 2 points

1 banana = 2 points

Yup, that’s 13 points. That is rather pathetic.

The Biggest Loser season 10 started tonight, I have been watching it. I am oddly addicted to this show. I like seeing people who are bigger then me lose all that weight and become in way better shape then me…it makes me think I can reach my goal if I just keep trying. Last season was the first season I watched, man, every week I’d sit on the couch with a bowlful of ice cream or some chocolate or something and watch all these fat people kick their own asses (with the trainers help of course) to get where they wanted to be. I thought it was funny, me sitting there with junk food, while they have to eat uber healthy and exercise ridiculous amounts everyday…now I am thinkin the joke was on me, I sat there and got fatter and they worked their asses off – literally!

Right now I feel I have no motivation but that is because I am sick, shrug, it’ll come back as I get healthier and hopefully this tv season I will pick up exercise tips and stop sitting in front of the tv with huge portions of junk food. Oh yeah! It’s not just gonna be the biggest loser on tv this time around…it’s gonna be for real! Holla! 😀 lol

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Another Monday

20 Sep

The week has begun and so far nothing all that momentous has happened. lol. Come on, give me a break, it’s only monday! I need another day or two before something interesting is going to happen. 😛

I just finished eating a Weight Watchers Banana Nut Muffin, Mmm! It always surprises me when the Weight Watchers food tastes good and yet, over and over I am pleasantly surprised by the tastes I encounter. While I am very happy to be Canadian I do envy people in the states who have access to way more Weight Watchers foods then I do. sigh. There used to be more up here but for some reason WW stopped distributing most of it in Canada, double sigh. I get a wider variety of WW foods when I go to England for heavens sake! We do have some WW stuff, the muffins for example. There are also cookies…little 3 bite cakes (those aren’t so great, too dry)…um, yeah, stuff like that. If you go to actual WW meetings you can buy more stuff (I know this cause my mom goes) but I can’t afford the meetings so I can’t buy the stuff they have at the locations. Whenever I eat the WW snack packs they are ones my mom got me. 😀 Aren’t moms great? lol

What we do have though are Smart Ones and Lean Cuisines – frozen dinners and desserts that have the points pre-calculated and written on the box. Those are pretty good, expensive, but good. I usually have one frozen dinner a week, but I have it for lunch, cause there always seems to be one evening a week where I just don’t feel like making lunch for the next day. shrug. Whatcha gonna do? I’m lazy, lol, that’s what those frozen meals are for!

So far today I have eaten:

29 grams Honey Nut Cheerios = 2 points

1/2 cup 1% milk = 1 point

1 banana = 2 points

1 Salad = 0 points

mixed raw veggies = 0 points

1 light babybell = 1 point

1 tbls three cheese ranch = 1 point

1 Lean Cuisine Chicken a l’orange = 4 points

1 cup Butternut Squash soup = 2 points

1 Sandwich

    – 2 pieces bread = 2 points

    – .07 kg Fat Free Turkey Breast = 1 point

    – 1 tbls light miracle whip, mustard, tomato, lettuce = 0 points

    – 1 light cheese slice = 1 point

1 weight watchers banana nut muffin = 3 points

That puts me at a total of 22 points – still got 2 more points to go! I know I am always saying I don’t feel like eating all my points but today I really don’t feel like it. I blame SI, a guy at work, he came in to work last week (all last week!) really sick, coughing up lungs, sneezing, basically spreading all kinds of nasty germs around and I think I caught it…not quite as bad as what he had but some form of it. Grr! I hate when people come to work sick! They aren’t doing anybody any good, double grr! Sorry, I will attempt to not rant about it, it’s just we work in a closed air environment, I breathe in those stupid germs and then I get sick cause my immune system sucks…and I am starting to rant, sorry! 🙂

So yeah, to wrap all that up, I don’t feel well. sigh. When I don’t feel well I don’t wanna eat. I know some people when they get sick they eat for comfort, I go the opposite way – I stop eating completely. All day today I ate because it was the time to eat but not because I wanted to eat. I am hoping, by eating my fruits and veggies and protein I will keep my body running at a good level and help my immune system out and maybe this is as bad as I’ll get…it’s worth a shot!

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All In One Meal

19 Sep

So I did a bad bad thing; I ate almost all my points in one meal. Oops! lol. It wasn’t even some kind of splurge thing where I decided to save my points so I could eat something really good it was just the day getting away from me and all of a sudden it is dinner time and I haven’t eaten anything.

When I went out to do a bunch of errands I planned on eating right after errand number two – that was Costco. Coscto is like a dream and a nightmare all at once – surrounded by so many things (you should have seen all the Christmas suff!) and yet, who needs to buy 3 jumbo sized boxes of Ziploc bags? Not me, I don’t even have space for them in my kitchen and yet they ended up in my cart, lol. I took them out of the cart before I got to the check out but something about that place, *shakes head*, I always feel like I want to buy so much more then what I really need. The high point of every costco trip is the hot dog…yup, you read that right! I always always always go to the eatery section and buy a hot dog and pop, I mean come on, it’s like $2 and the hot dogs there are sooooooo good! I don’t drink pop anymore but I figured I could still get the hot dog cause I only go there maybe once every 6 months or so and I hadn’t eaten anything yet today. Well, sadness, the eatery section is under construction so no hot dog for me. 😦 The bigger problem with the eatery being closed is that I had a bunch more stuff to do and no chance to get something to eat. sigh.

Luckily I had a little Weight Watchers Pretzel snack bag thing in my purse and a bottle of water with me so that held me over till I got home. The weird thing is that I kept thinking I should be hungry, I mean come on, it was like 6pm before I got home and ate but I didn’t feel hungry at all. I even managed to go grocery shopping and stick only to my list cause I just didn’t care about food. It’s so odd. When I got home I had my whole dinner figured out and I thought by then I’d be practically diving in to it but nope, I think I could have gone without eating at all and I’d of been fine…not healthy, but fine. shrug. If I wasn’t on weight watchers that’s what I would have done – not eat anything I mean. It’s not that big a deal, I used to not eat for an entire day or two I want to say all the time but that’s an exageration, but often. Now it’s ingrained in me I have to eat, even if I am not hungry, so I made myself a high point dinner and ate that and voila! I hit my points exactly. 🙂 Yah! lol

I don’t want to screw up since I had such a good weigh in yesterday…gotta keep on track! It’ll be easier during the week, as much as I am not looking forward to work least I know for the next five days I will be on a more structured eating timeline and that is always helpful.

Today I ate:

1 weight watchers Pretzel Thins = 2 points

2 timbits = 4 points

85 grams Alexia Yam Fries = 3 points

1 Chicken breast (stuffed with broccoli and cheese) = 7 points

1 cup kraft dinner = 6 points

Total points eaten is 22. I also had a corn on the cob and 1 tsp margarine with my dinner but the corn tasted funny. I am not sure how long it is meant to last in the fridge, it’s the last corn on the cob that I bought last weekend (there were four in a pack) and I have been eating them over the course of the week. I only took about two bites of it and decided to not push my luck so I am not counting points from it, shrug, too bad cause I really like it but it so didn’t taste like how it was supposed to! 😛 Speaking of how long food lasts anyone have any ideas about chick peas? I opened the can at some point during the last week…maybe last weekend…I really can’t remember, but I haven’t been eating a lot of them so I still have a bunch in my fridge and I am wondering how long I can keep eating them before they go bad…I hate how quickly so many foods go bad, sigh. I can never seem to eat things quickly enough.

I am still riding the high from having officially reached ten pounds lost so I wore a sweater/wrap thing I own that I haven’t worn in a while. I haven’t worn it for a while cause (1) it’s been summer, duh! and (2) when I bought it it fit nice, then I gained even more weight and it stopped hiding my bulges and started making me look like a big blob. sigh. I thought I’d give it a try today, see how I felt in it and how it looked. It wasn’t bad, it could be better but I was happy with it. It skimmed over me the way it is supposed to which was nice. 🙂 Makes me wonder what else in my closet I can wear now that I had gotten too fat for…guess I’ll just have to treat myself to an evening of trying on my own clothes and seeing how they fit…but not tonight cause the season premiere of Law and Order SVU is on in a half hour and I am gonna be glued to my tv for the duration. 😀

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A Perfect 10!

19 Sep

I was scared to step on the scale today – so scared I put it off by an hour. I finally decided to just suck it up, step on the stupid thing and get that part of my day over and done with. All I hoped for was to be the same as last week cause as much as that would suck at least I wouldn’t have gained anymore…I just don’t think I could have dealt with gaining again. Lo and behold the number went down! wOOt! 😀

When I did the math it turns out I have lost exactly ten pounds! Yah! I finally got to the ten pounds lost mark! It only took me how frickin long? Well, ok, that isn’t the point and I will try not to dwell, lol.

Now I have a new fear, what if I screw this up and next week I gain again…there is no margin here, no safety net, I am at exactly ten pounds lost so all it takes is one screw up to lose that accomplishment and be back to having lost under ten pounds and that would suck the big one!

Because it’s the weekend and I slept in I got to eat higher pointed foods cause I had to use my points up in less time then normal, I always love and hate that. lol. It means I get to eat something I normally wouldn’t be able to – like pizza – but it also means that I snack on junk and struggle to eat balanced food groups. Stupid food groups. I think chocolate and ice cream should be food groups! 😛

My other fear is about how many points to eat. This past week I used some flex points and ate I think almost all of my exercise points – that is a lot of food and I struggled with it. I struggled with eating over my points because I was so used to thinking I was only allowed 22 points – the extra food was hard to deal with. Also, now that I know I am eating some flex points I found it harder to resist tempting foods, sounds wacky huh? When I was strict and only ate my 22 points of food everyday I (for the most part) didn’t have too hard a time resisting the bad for me stuff that popped up. If someone brought cupcakes in to work I would look then walk away, no biggy, but now I look and wonder…that wondering is gonna be a problem. Too may foods have opened up to me as potentials and really, all they will turn out to be is potential screw ups, potential pounds on my ass, potential eating binges…nothing good in that kind of potential and now I am surrounded by it. sigh.

I guess I have to learn how to be flexibly strict, lol, I don’t think that is even a real term…but it is now cause I have used it!

Today I ate:

1 piece of Delissio pizza = 5 points

1 banana = 2 points

2 Hershey’s Oh Henry cookies = 3 points

1 bag Fiesta Salad = 6.5 points

2 pieces of bread = 2 points

1 tbls Nutella = 2 points

1 apple = 1 point

1 thinsations Oreo cakesters = 2 points

Puts me at a total of 22.5 points used today. I am still a bit hungry but not gonna eat anything cause it’s late and the only food I can find is higher in points then what I am willing to eat. See? That’s another problem…now that I eat some of my flex points I am all “who cares I am at my points for the day, I feel peckish, eat something”…it’s like an evil voice in my head taunting me with the one thing I really want more of (food) but can’t have.  Grr to the evil voice!

For now though that evil voice can go drown if a vat of McDonald’s cooking oil cause I lost ten whole pounds and the voice can’t take that away from me!

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Some days I just don’t care…

17 Sep

I have days when I just can’t bring myself to care – I don’t mean this about only my weight loss, I mean about everything. I don’t care if I make it to work on time, if I eat, if I don’t eat, what I wear, who I see, what I do or don’t do…I just don’t give a damn. I don’t know why I get this way it just happens sometimes, it can last anywhere from a day to weeks, shrug, it’s not fun but oh well, it’s a quirk I guess.

This bout of my not caring started yesterday and extended for most of today; it seems to be lifting a bit – if it hadn’t started to lift I probably wouldn’t be writing this post. When this happens I tend to do what I normally do but less – that doesn’t make sense does it? I know what is expected of me so I do what is expected and no more, actually, usually a lot less. heh I am supposed to eat so I eat at the times I normally eat because if I don’t I will draw attention that I don’t want to have to deal with. I eat but I don’t care what I eat and I don’t care if I do eat as long as people think I am eating, get it? Nothing tastes the same either, it’s all more bland. shrug. It’s not only with food, if I had plans to go to a movie I usually stick with the plans cause to change plans causes more grief then I want to deal with but the movie won’t be as funny to me as it normally would…make sense?

I don’t know why I am trying to explain this, I have never told anybody about this before…oh the odd false sense of freedom writing on a blog gives a person. So I will stop whining about this since I am sure nobody actually cares – hell, it’s about me and I don’t even care. ugh.

Because of this mood I have been in my eating has been odd yesterday and today and yet, I learned something new about me. Normally when this happens I end up binging on some sort of totally unhealthy food, Kraft Dinner, McDonald’s, anything I consider comfort food which naturally ends up being something high fat. *rolls eyes* Well, yesterday after work I had to go to Safeway to grab something and ended up in the aisle with the Kraft Dinner, go figure! Even though I was buying it to over eat I still checked the nutritional info, say wha?? I compared every different kind of KD (I didn’t realize there were so many kinds!) I ended up with the sharp cheddar (which fyi, not as good as the original) because it is only 0.5 grams of fat more then the so called “healthier” versions. I didn’t actually check the points per serving when in the store but I did check it when I got home and was making it. It gets worse! I measured out the stupid stuff so I knew exactly how much I was eating…can you believe it?? I didn’t do it cause I was caring about the points or what I ate but because it’s become a habit and I always follow my habits when in these moods.

So, here I am moody and down and I still counted my points, talk about ingraining a habit in to my daily life.

Today I ate:

1 cup Fibre 1 = 3 points

3/4 cup 1% milk = 1.5 points

1 banana = 2 points

2 triangles light laughing cow cheese = 1 point

mixed raw veggies = 0 points

1/2 cup cottage cheese = 2 points

1 Amy’s Indian Mattar Paneer (frozen dinner) = 6 points

    – it had curried peas and paneer with rice and chana masala

2/3 cup Kraft Dinner = 4 points

5 baby potatoes = 1 point

1 cheese slice = 1 point

1 Jolly Time Kettle Corn pckg = 1 point

That puts me at 22.5 points for the day; I have a Thinsations Oreo Cakesters package sitting beside me that I keep thinking about opening but I don’t actually want it, I just always end my day with chocolate so I keep thinking I should eat it. shrug. I may eat some fruit in a bit cause I am starting to feel peckish but really I am not all that bothered if I do or don’t get a snack. I am trying to use a couple flex points each day so I really should eat something…we’ll see what I get around to.

I know this post was a downer but look at the bright side – tomorrows post is bound to be more cheerful! 😛

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Oh. So. Tired…yawn

15 Sep

Alrighty, so I had this great post idea for today but I have been exhausted since I woke up and don’t want to write a long post…I just wanna go to bed, lol, so instead of my great idea I am gonna post an itty bitty post and then go crash. Aaaah, just the idea of sleep makes me grin. 😛 Sleeeeeeeeeeeep!

I posted ages ago about sleep and how it is uber important to get your full nights sleep every night cause if you don’t then your body holds on to its weight…since I learned that I have sorta tried to make sure I always get my sleep but some days I am just so freakin tired that I must not be getting enough. shrug. I am not sure if to compensate for not getting all my sleep I should not be eating as much, ya know, counter-act the body holding on to the weight? I have a feeling that is not the way to go, it would probably compound the entire hold on to the weight thing. sigh.

Have you noticed when you are tired you want to eat more and what you do want to eat is carbs? Ah, carbs, most things that contain carbs are my fave foods…numero uno is bread, sigh. But anyways, when tired your body craves instant energy creating foods so high sugar, high carbs, stuff like that…that is a big fat Danger Zone! Stay away! If you are tired but can’t go sleep eat some fruit – you’ll get your sugar but it’s naturally occuring sugar not processed and your body does better things with it. Or eat some protein…really, just eat something healthy. lol. Veggies wouldn’t kill ya. I did the opposite today, I drank a ton of tea and didn’t eat a lot of food until I got home when I had a nice yummy serving of pasta (carbs!) and some veggies. 🙂

I found I had less resistance to tempting foods today and I am not sure if that was because I was tired or because of knowing I am not restricted to 22 points anymore. There was food offered at work, normally I just say no and it’s not a problem but today I ate half a sandwich, a couple bites of salad, some of my food and I brought home a cookie and ate half (gave the other half to the roomie). That is a lot of food that I don’t have control over and so can’t for sure know how many points it is. Eeek! I’m worried I won’t be able to control as strictly what I eat because of knowing I am going to be eating some flex points and on certain days exercise points.

Today I ate:

1 cup Fiber 1 = 3 points

3/4 cup 1% milk = 1.5 points

1 banana = 2 points

1 serving homemade potato salad = 2 points

1/2 sandwich = 3 points

    – grain bread (2), 1 slice turkey (1), tomato and lettuce

85 grams Catelli whole wheat spaghetti = 5 points

1/4 cup Tomato Alfredo sauce = 2 points

1 corn on the cob = 1 point

1 tsp margarine = 1 point

1/2 cookie = 3 points

That puts me at a total of 23.5 points eaten. Ok, so not a lot of flex points eaten but since I am guesstimating on the points for the sandwich and cookie who knows, maybe I ate more! lol. I had a spoonful of a rice salad and some spinach from a different salad that was topped with 1 walnut (yes, you read that right, I only ate 1), 2 little crumbles of feta cheese (yup, counted that too!) and less then 1 tsp of a vinagarette dressing. I ate such small amounts of those three things that at most combined they would be worth 1 point, shrug, because of the uber small portions I didn’t add them in to my food list cause it seemed a tad ridiculous. But if I want to count them that would put me at 24.5 points so there goes one more flex point, sigh.

Oh well, I am too tired to care I ate some flex points, I am however wanting more food but I am sure that is cause my body thinks it’s gonna be up for a while and it wants to create energy, silly body. lol. Hopefully going to bed nice n early tonight means I will be all alert and energetic tomorrow cause tomorrow is an exercise day and I don’t wanna be half asleep while wielding a sword. lol.

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