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Archive | March, 2014

Does Growing Up Mean You Have To Give Up?

29 Mar

Do you know what you were meant to be?

Some people believe there are destined career paths for all of us and it is just a matter of knowing yourself and knowing what that career path is. Sort of like your career soul mate.

I’ve known what I’ve wanted to be before I understood it was a career. We didn’t watch a lot of tv when I was growing up, mostly what was on the tv was news, hockey, once every four years the Olympics, oh and Saturday morning cartoons lol. Basically, the shows that had real people in them were things that actually really did have real people being themselves (like news anchors).

When I got a bit older and started watching things that weren’t cartoons I wanted to be so many different things because I thought the characters I saw on tv were real people. If I saw a show and there was a cop character I really liked I wanted to be a cop. Hell, when I watched Free Willy I was torn between wanting to be a runaway kid and a marine biologist lol I actually spent a chunk of time learning about dolphins and whales, pestering the trainers at the dolphin exhibit in the mall with all sorts of questions about the health and habits of dolphins because I wanted to know everything about them. I thought by being a marine biologist that would make me like the character in the movie. Oh my twisted logic! πŸ˜›

Growing up I wanted to be a lot of things because of this misunderstanding about the people on tv and in movies. Sure, kids want to be lots of different things as they grow up but all the careers I chose were because I wanted to be that person on tv, not because of the career itself.

As I got older I started learning more about Hollywood and tv filming etc and I was hit smack dab with the realization I was screwed. Hollywood is in LA, I can’t work in LA, I’m Canadian. I’m not going to be randomly spotted by a scout, or have an easy time figuring out how to get an agent cause not only am I in Canada, I am in the freakin prairies! Nothing film-wise happens there! I shoved down my desire to be an actress because it seemed impractical (I come from a very practical family) and more than that, it seemed impossible. I didn’t tell anyone what I wanted to be because I feared their responses, so I kept my wanting-to-act a secret and just daydreamed about it. Those daydreams were half torment (constantly thinking about something you are convinced you can’t have sucks) and my only escape from the life path I seemed stuck on.

growing up sucks

Then I learned about film school. I was close to finishing my Bachelor of Arts Degree and getting more and more depressed thinking about how when I finished my bachelors I was going to go write LSATS and go to law school and while I’d be making everyone in my family happy I’d be quietly miserable. It was either that or get my Masters in Sociology which was more tolerable of an idea but less likely to get me a career when I was done so what was the point? A friend showed me a pamphlet about the film school he was going to for Digital Game Design, as I was flipping through it I saw they had an Acting Department. I was floored. You can go to school to learn how to act in Canada? How did I not know this?? Probably because I was so busy trying to hide from myself just how desperately I wanted to act. I asked if I could keep the pamphlet and tucked it in my bag. I carried it around with me for days, pulling it out, re-reading it like it was some forbidden text. I checked the school out online and it opened something in me. The box I had stuffed my dream in to opened a crack and I experienced a little bit of hope that just maybe I could have a chance to follow my dream. I applied for Acting School on the sly, didn’t tell anyone, I figured if they didn’t accept me no one had to know and if they did well, I’d deal with that if it happened.

It totally happened. They got my submission package, it included two self-taped monologues, and I got immediate acceptance. They actually apologized for taking a day and a half to contact me but they had to wait for one more person to view the monologues before officially accepting me even though everyone who had watched my tape said yes to taking me in. It seemed unreal. I was so excited I wanted to get up and dance lol

So here I am, years later, living in BC, still trying to earn a living at acting. I had the unfortunate luck of getting a string of not-great agents (one literally disappeared!), and having day jobs that barely pay the bills meaning all the investments I as an actor am supposed to make to be viable in the industry very rarely get made (new headshots on a frequent basis, demo reels, appropriate wardrobe, continued acting classes/workshops and more). Acting is one of those things you have to invest a lot of money in to before you’ll get anything out of it and I never have the money, I’m impressed if I can pay my rent, bills and buy groceries all in one month! lol

A friend of mine lately has been on my case about going back to school, she says I am wasting my brain at my day job (which yeah, ok, I am) and she feels I should give up on acting and get a responsible career. sigh. She’s not the only one, I know my parents would love it if I’d quit with the acting and do something that was more sensible. And yeah, I’ve been poor a long time, and some days I think I’m done with it and can give up my dream if it means I can have a larger, steady paycheque that allows to me to pay my bills, get out of debt and maybe even save a little but when I really sit down and think about it I cringe. Not about the money part, of course I want more money, but the giving up on my dream part.

Acting is…it is my thing. It is what I was meant to do. Nothing else makes me feel the way acting does, whether it is working on a scene, being in front of a camera, plotting my rise to fame with my agent. Just the idea of giving up, of no longer trying makes me sad. But I know I have to grow up at some point, and maybe I am at that point. Maybe I can’t wait for a time where I don’t feel despondent about quitting acting, maybe that will never happen, maybe I just have to push all my dreams back in to a dark corner in my heart and forget about them, squish them down and become like everybody else, doing a job I don’t love but that pays the bills with a little left over.

With that in mind I have an appointment this coming week for a tour of the Law Department at UBC. If I’m gonna go back might as well go back to the original responsible plan right? I had convinced myself I was ok with this tour, that it would be interesting and maybe I was up for a change until I got an email from the University I got my Bachelors from. It was an email with highlights of what people have been doing and one of the highlights was about a play being put on by students there, my first thought was if I go to Law school I’ll never have the chance to perform again, I’ll be giving all that up, and my heart hurt a bit. Why does growing up and making grown up decisions have to include the death of my dream and involve my giving up on what I want?

Growing up sucks.

were adults

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Society and Rain

28 Mar

Two things stopped me from running tonight after work, well, three if you count my laziness whiiiiich I suppose is the only one that really counts but let’s ignore that one shall we? πŸ˜‰

I once again didn’t manage to get my lazy ass out of bed early enough to workout before going to work today, sigh, I hate myself for that every time it happens which fyi, is every Friday and Saturday. blarg. I have plenty of time before work starts to get in some sort of work out, whether it is an exercise dvd, going to the gym, going for a run, hell even just doing some squats and free weight stuff in my apartment but do I do any of those? Nope! I sleep in just long enough to not have enough time to work out then I chill and do nothing important before going to work. An utter waste of a day. I do this every week, it’s pathetic. *rolls eyes*

After work tonight (I was off at 9:15pm) I actually felt like working out. I didn’t feel all super pumped this’ll-be-the-best-workout-ever! but I felt, I dunno, like it was time. Like I had hit my fed upness with myself, hit my limit of lazy and wanted to do something physical. I had to stop at Superstore on my way home but I decided on the drive to Superstore that once I got home I’d quickly change and go for a run. I was actually looking forward to it believe it or not.

teehee

teehee

Well, after Superstore I get back in the suv and start driving and got hit by a wave of tiredness. Completely out of proportion to the level of activity I had for the day I might add. I swear I felt like I could have gone home, gone to bed and fallen asleep right away. I never sleep early, my body just can’t do it, so feeling like that was uber weird for me.

I got home, sat in the suv and tried to mentally convince myself that I was going to go for a run, even if it was slow, even if it was pathetic, at least it would be something. I was texting with a couple friends at the time and one of them said I shouldn’t go running, it was too late at night and not safe. I was all “huh? that’s ridiculous” but it got me thinking. I’ve gone for runs at night before and while running have thought it was high on the list of stupid decisions I have made because it is dark, late, paths are empty, not only could I injure myself due to poor lighting conditions but I could come across someone who has less-than-nice intentions and get myself in to some serious trouble. I’d be an idiot to not be aware of that.

I absolutely hate the idea of fear making a decision for me, of my not doing something because it could be dangerous, could put me in an unsafe situation, could have negative consequences. People would never get anywhere, have new experiences, truly enjoy life to it’s fullest if fear made their decisions for them. For all of that though, I have to be realistic. There are certain situations I really don’t want to be in, like being attacked while running, and if running late at night is going to increase my chance of that well, maybe I shouldn’t go. sigh.

Despite living in a city that is considered safe, in an area that I feel comfortable walking home tipsy in, I still have to be aware of my surroundings, keep an eye out for someone acting suspiciously, someone who perhaps doesn’t belong or might have nefarious reasons for being there. And isn’t that pathetic, and sad, and horrible? That as a woman I can’t go running late at night without having a niggling fear it could be dangerous, without having to be aware that it is my responsibility to not put myself in a stupid situation because others can’t be trusted?

How did this come to be? Or better yet, how can we stop it being like this?

While having these somewhat deep (and mildly depressing) thoughts the clouds opened up and it started to rain, not lightly drizzle but pour rain, which ended my internal debate on whether I would chance it and go running or play the coward and stay inside because I do not run in the rain, I might melt! πŸ˜‰ lol

So now it is almost 1am, I am still feeling a bit tired and I just might attempt to get an early night. Who knows, maybe if I get to bed and to sleep before 3am I’ll actually be able to drag my sorry ass out of bed in the morning and get it to the gym before heading to work! *crosses fingers*

Sidenote: you’d never know it by how lazy I have been for the past, oh, forever? lol but I actually really like working out. I know! I am that person, I said it, feel free to smack me upside the head! lol But I do, I like how I feel like I am accomplishing something, how I can feel myself getting stronger, how after I am done I feel better about myself – not just in how I look but how I feel health wise. You’d think all of that would be enough to get me out of bed and to the gym but somehow, it’s not. *rolls eyes*

and yet, still not enough motivation, sigh

and yet, still not enough motivation, sigh

Sugar Overdose

27 Mar

I’ve been eating not all that great lately and I think I am (I can’t believe I am about to say this!)…all sugared out.

I am not only not craving/desiring/wanting things with overt amounts of sugar in them I am actively craving things that aren’t all sugary sweetness.

How crazy is that??

no more sugar? say whaaaa???

no more sugar? say whaaaa???

I don’t even want my go-to spoonful of peanut butter lately. If it wasn’t for having no other symptoms I’d say I must be sick! lol

Can a person eat too much sweet stuff, or just in general not good-for-you stuff and have their bodies rebel? If so, I think mine has done it.

For the past couple days all I’ve really been wanting are fresh fruit, bland meals, simple foods that have no sweetness to them. Seriously, what has happened to my tastebuds??

Now, you might be thinking that this is a great thing, that it makes it easier to say no to treats but it oddly has had the opposite affect. I’m so freaked out by this that I keep trying various sugary treats, even though I don’t want them, because I think I should want them and I feel like something has gone wrong because I am not craving them. How messed up is that?! A lot, I know!

I’ve decided to stop with the contrary, ridiculous behaviour and as of right now I am going to be eating healthier, which will result in my eating the types of foods I am craving. Keeping in mind payday isn’t until Friday sooooo the changes will be quite minor until I can afford groceries…hopefully the change in foods will get me back to feeling more like myself. I know the change in foods will be good for my weight loss, workouts, dragon boat training, self-esteem…crap, why’d I ever stop eating healthy when it has so many positive side effects?? And don’t say cause I’m a dummy, I already know that! lol πŸ˜›

Combined with my changing back to healthier foods I keep thinking about trying CrossFit. I hear amazing things about it, both good and bad and soooo badly want to indulge my curiosity. However, I don’t want to be the last person to finish, or the weakest person there, or well, the suckiest. Which I’m fairly certain I would be cause I’ve heard what some of the workouts are and I’m fairly certain if I tried doing those workouts I’d die right there in the gym lol. What stops me the most from trying it out is the cost, I have yet to find a CrossFit price that doesn’t seem exorbitant and way out of my price range. No way I am spending over $100 a month to work out, I don’t have that kind of expendable income, whiiiiich pretty much keeps me solidly in the camp of wanting-to-try-but-can’t-cause-I-can’t-afford-it. sigh.

I don't have the designer purse either :P

I don’t have the designer purse either πŸ˜›

I know a lot of people who’d say it is money well spent, totally worth it, and then question me about if I feel my health and well-being were worth so little to me. I would like to point out it’s not that I don’t think my health and fitness are not worth the expense, it’s that if I have to choose between being able to pay rent, pay my other bills and have a bit left over, I’m going that route rather than paying for one month of CrossFit and having to skip a bill because my pay cheque doesn’t stretch far enough to pay for everything. I mean c’mon, if my pay cheque stretched enough to pay for everything I wanted I’d totally of signed up for that lipo already! πŸ˜‰ lol

How I Handle Pain

26 Mar

sigh, I am that person who always thinks “it doesn’t hurt that much, I’ve hurt worse, suck it up and deal” when something hurts. I think this way for all pain, whether it is an organ that has twisted and is dying (totally happened), a bleeding finger I bashed during a dragon boat race (true story) or my hips (my current true story). I try to just, I dunno, deal, shrug.

suck it up

I don’t know if people would consider it a wise way of dealing with pain, but it’s my way. There are of course exceptions, obviously. When the pain from the dying organ got too much to deal with I went to the ER, I waited hmm, almost 24 hours before going, then had to wait 48 hours longer because the stupid doctor didn’t believe I was in pain and kept putting off doing anything to help me until I insisted. I’m still irritated about that but should probably let it go since it’s in the past… πŸ˜›

Same thing with the hips, when I could no longer walk because the right hip was in super intense pain (and well, it wouldn’t really move anymore – fyi totally awkward situation that) I went to the ER. That was way back in the beginning of January and I am still dealing with the hip issues, arg.

I got a doctor, that referred me to a specialist, who has been sending me for tests and I’m irritated with the whole thing and wanna call it quits. But then a day like today happens and I think “oh yeah, that’s why I am still going through with all these lame doctors appointments”

Yesterday I got my hips ultrasounded, weird huh? It felt weird, and I got that icky ultrasound gunk on my pants, ewwww! *pout* The guy who controlled the wand informed me that I am too young to be having hip problems (no, really?? I hadn’t realized that! *rolls eyes*), he also informed me he didn’t think he saw much of anything. Some fluid but not all that much. I was taking this as good news since the other tests I’d had (the multiple x-rays and CT scan) all showed fluid in the hip which is usually a sign of infection whiiiiich from doctor’s faces when they say that seems like it must be a bad thing….I decided that if he saw “not all that much fluid” it must be going away on its own which means I must be closer to no more hip problems. Sounds good, right?

Today however both my hips were complaining. 😦 I am not impressed. I want to say it is the ultrasounds fault but not sure if that is right or not. The x-rays and CT scan all made my hips hurt way worse than they had been already because of the painful positions they put my legs in to get various shots of my hips. For the ultrasound I just had to lay there while he dug that wand thing in to me, shrug, not that big a deal. I’d say hands down this was the easiest hip test I’ve had so far. πŸ™‚

But like I said, today my hips hurt. I can’t sit for very long because the pain just builds and builds and builds so I get up and walk and then I’m hurting because I am walking. Apparently I can’t win. Crap. Oh, and to make it worse, instead of it being just the right hip it’s both of them at the same level of pain today, stupid hips.

I got prescribed at my last specialist appointment some drugs. They are pain pills that are apparently super harsh to the stomach so they are combined with something that is supposed to help the stomach, greeeeeat. Took me forever to fill the prescription cause I don’t like taking pills, I only filled it because I thought the doc might ask if they helped at my next appointment and I wanted to truthfully be able to tell him I tried one lol. πŸ˜› While I was out today I kept kicking myself for having the pills at home because I thought if there was gonna be a day to pop one, it’d be today. When I got home however my decision about that wavered.

When I’m in pain I have a checklist of questions that goes something like this:

(1) have you hurt worse at some point? If the answer is yes, don’t take the pain pill.

(2) can you still physically function? If the answer is yes, don’t take the pain pill.

(3) does the pill have side effects you don’t wanna deal with? If the answer is yes, don’t take the pain pill.

(4) can you stay in and rest/apply heat/wallow in misery without inflicting your misery on to others? If the answer is yes, don’t take the pain pill.

You get the idea…if I can manage to avoid taking meds, I will. shrug.

So by the time I got home I was all, “dude, you’ve hurt worse, your hip is still able to move, you don’t have to do anything super impressive tonight so you can use the heating pad and try to rest, suck it up and don’t take the pills. save them for when it is really bad. don’t be a wimp!”

don't take the pills!

don’t take the pills!

Which would be how I came to be sitting here, chilling, no meds in my system, heat on my hips, and two spots of matching pain throbbing in my hip joints. Lovely.

Even if I wanted to I can’t take the pills now, you have to take them with “lots of food” according to the pharmacist and it is too late in the evening for eating, shrug, means I’ll just deal with it. I’ll be glad tomorrow I didn’t cave and take a pill today but it does make me wonder, will I ever end up taking one of these pills??

no wimps

The New Batmobile

26 Mar

I saw this the other week and had two instantaneous thoughts…

(1) hahaha awesome!

(2) someone likes Batman waaaaay too mucch!

Either way, it made me smile. πŸ™‚

2014-02-28 14.17.55

You can’t tell from this picture, and I didn’t want to be that creepy person taking pictures of the inside of some strangers car lol, but the headrests, steering wheel and seat covers all had the bat symbol on them.

That my friends is a whole new level of dedication!

Death Threat Or Act Of Love?

22 Mar

This was in my bed last night…

poor dead ladybug

poor dead ladybug

It may be hard to tell from the picture but it is a cat toy made to look like a ladybug that has been split open all along its back courtesy of the cat.

Soooo…a dead ladybug toy…

It has been my cat’s favourite toy for a while now, he not only loves to kill it more than any of Β his other toys he also occasionally sleeps with it, it’s super cute.

However, having it waiting for me when I went to bed last night was slightly disconcerting and I am trying to decided how to take this gift of his. I figure it is either:

(1) an offering, to show he wants to help take care of our little family, similar to when an outdoor cat brings a dead bird or mouse to his/her owner

or

(2) a death threat

I’m not gonna lie, the dead ladybug in my bed reminds me of the horse’s head left in the bed from the Godfather movie, which ok, sure, I haven’t actually seen but I’ve heard about it, who hasn’t?

So there we have it…my life may be in danger or he could be feeling a need to help take care of us. I’m really hoping it’s the latter, though him finding a way to earn money I could put towards rent would go a lot farther than a dead toy in my bed, just sayin! πŸ˜‰

Becoming a Lady-Beast

21 Mar

Great tips on weight training for women! πŸ™‚ Thanks Sophieologie!

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