Archive | November, 2013

No Party For Moi, le sigh.

29 Nov

Tonight was my work Christmas Party. It was at a gorgeous hotel, gourmet food and drinks, dancing, prizes to be won, mingling with all your work friends in a social setting, getting to dress up and feel pretty…

Guess who wasn’t there?

Me.

Again.

Grr.

I didn’t get to go last year either. 😦

See, the party is always on a Friday, I always work Friday evenings don’t I? Why yes, yes I do. Which effectively means I will never get to go to the over-the-top work Christmas Party.

Last year I was promised I would get to go this year since I had to work it. I was ok with that. Someone has to work during the party and last year I was perfectly fine with it being me since it does land on my shift. Also, the promise that this year I would get to go meant I wasn’t forever missing out on the event. Turns out the only “plan” made to let me go to the party was to ask the casual worker if she would like to work this evening. She said no for the perfectly legitimate reason that it is her birthday. That was the only attempt made.

Know what makes it even worse? I wasn’t even told! I had to ask if I was going to get to go and I got informed in an oh-so-casual way that nope cause K doesn’t want to work it the shift is yours. Lovely.

If they had told me earlier I would have asked both of the other ladies that share my job duties if one of them would be willing to swap shifts since last year I had to work the party and isn’t it only fair that I would get to go this year? Hell, one of the servers at work came up with a way to make it so I could go (it involved fiddling with shift times a bit), but management said no because, well, they can? They didn’t give a reason. Blarg!

I know it is stupid to be upset about it, after all it is just one party in the grand scheme of life but it is my only Christmas Party this year (my friends don’t really “do” Christmas Parties), my one chance to get to dress up, be at a formal dinner, go dancing…all that fun Christmas Party stuff. Plus! My friends at work (most of them anyways) left for the party right after their shift ended so they got changed at work, which means I got to see them all dressed up and wave them off into the night while I stayed behind. They all looked so great! They insisted I get in a group photo with them, it’s nice they wanted to include me but I looked at that picture after and there they are all glam and I’m not. I’m just in normal boring clothes. *pout*

I keep trying to look at the bright side, I am saving calories by not going to that meal, I’m sitting in my living room comfy in pj’s with a cup of tea a cat and my laptop while they are desperately trying to find excuses to slip their shoes off cause their feet hurt (well, the ladies anyways, the guys are probably fine lol), I don’t have to suck in my tummy all night and wonder if I look ok, I don’t have to find my way home late at night in the cold rainy air…um yeah, that’s pretty much all I got…and to be honest it was a stretch to find those reasons lol

Aww man, I just got texted a group pic of my friends from work all dressed up at the party, screw my bright side at not being there, I wanna be there! *pout*

Ok, pouty child moment over…

What gets me though is one of the staff members who doesn’t do my job offered to cover my shift so I could go. That would have meant she worked a 12 hour shift! She doesn’t even know how to do my job but she was willing to chip in so I could go because she thought it wasn’t fair I couldn’t go again. Management told her no because she doesn’t know how to do my job, which ok I do agree with that decision but what struck me is that she selflessly offered but the two ladies who also work the same position as me, who both were soooooo full of sympathy that I had to work tonight, who are the only two people in the entire place who could have actually helped me be able to go to the party did not think to offer.

Makes a girl think about things…

There we have it, my first (and only) Christmas Party post for the 2013 holiday season. Fairly pathetic. One day though! One day I will be a successful actress and will be turning parties down because there will be so many offers! Until then, it’s just me and the cat and the laptop chillin in the living room cause that’s how I roll. 😛

don't mind my pj's! lol. I couldn't get the cat to look at the camera hence the almost profile shot :P

don’t mind my pj’s! lol. I couldn’t get the cat to look at the camera hence his profile shot 🙂

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Stuff To Share

28 Nov

Alrighty, so I skipped writing a post yesterday and now I feel I have too much stuff to share and not enough time to type…that and I’m sure I’d lose all my readers before they got through such a long post lol I thought I’d try writing it all in bullet form, see how that goes, shall we give it a go? 🙂

  • I picked up my new headshots today! Yay! The levels of excitement I have over this are through the roof! They turned out great – I always feel like I’m being narcissistic when I say that lol I don’t mean they are great because of me but because of the border and the font for my name and the overall look of the thing. I want to share them with you but I don’t have photo shop so I can’t black out my name along the bottom and while I might be leaning to the side of “it’s ok to share pics of me on this blog now” I don’t want to give you my full name…no offence but I think we still need a bit of space between you an I, don’t you? 😉
  • When I was picking up the headshots I was driving through the sketchy part of downtown and saw a homeless guy sitting on the sidewalk, leaning against a building, surfing on his laptop. For some reason this made me really curious about what he was doing, updating his facebook status? Tweeting the random stuff he sees? Looking for an online sale? Job hunting?
  • Two days in a row I made sure to go to Zumba, yay me! I resisted my natural inclination to be lazy and exercised. I’m really enjoying Zumba, I get all sweaty and gross but have lots of fun while doing it. I have trouble thinking of Zumba as real exercise because of how much fun it is. Don’t take this to mean I look good while doing it! Oh heavens no! But hey, most of us look ridiculous to some degree so I figure that’s ok. 🙂
if I keep doing Zuma do I get to look like this? Pleeeeease?

if I keep doing Zuma do I get to look like this? Pleeeeease?

  • I have been searching for a replacement piece for one of my cat’s toys for almost a week, finally got it which means the cat has stopped giving me looks of death every time he tries to use his toy and can’t lol Oh, and because I can’t resist buying the little furball stuff I bought him a soft catnip filled toy in the shape of a pig. Cutest. Thing. Ever!! For those of you who don’t know I heart pigs and seeing my cat scoop a little pig in to his mouth then walk purposefully away so he can have privacy while he plays with it was freakin adorable!
  • Another cat story, last night the cat clawed me in juuuuust the wrong way, ouch! His claw sliced through where my thumbnail connects to the skin of my thumb, along the side of the nail. He got quite deep and it bled for ages. Now it hurts to do pretty much everything and I am still muttering under my breath about getting a dog (in an attempt to put him in his place). He is of course acting super extra over the top cute (not a hard thing for him) and knows that I will forgive him soon…he probably also knows he doesn’t have to fear a dog being brought in here since he is obviously in charge, sigh, I’m so whipped 😛
I swear it is a lot worse then it looks in this pic and I'm not just a big baby lol

I swear it is a lot worse then it looks in this pic and I’m not just a big baby lol

  • I watched an interesting documentary this evening called Xmas Without China. About how people in the States are so anti-China and anti products being imported from China but could not survive without them. A family got rid of all items in their house for the month of December that were Made In China and were not allowed to buy anything that was Made In China. Lemme tell ya, their place looked bleak once everything was taken away. Even their dishes were gone! It gave them a new perspective on just how much they rely on other countries (specifically China) to survive and how they as a country don’t really produce anything and the guy who came up with the project learned to be a bit less biased towards the States (probably a good thing since he moved there when he was 8 from China and is now at least mid-twenties).
  • I have lost the ability to sleep at night, ugh. I am going to bed later and later and even once I am in bed I don’t fall asleep, I just lie there, for ages. That’d be fine if I wasn’t about to start my work week, meaning I will have to actually get up at a decent time instead of sleep the day away. I’m not sleeping any longer than anyone else (on average) I’m just sleeping 4am-noon instead of 11pm-7am.
  • I’m really sick of the ads for Black Friday. Even though this weekend is not our Thanksgiving the stores up here give all the same Black Friday sales as you would get if you were in the States so there is a constant bombardment of ads via email, tv, billboards, radio, websites and any other way you can imagine telling us to shop! shop! shop! It’s not that I don’t like shopping but having a holiday that is supposed to be about families getting together, spending time with each other and thinking about what you are thankful for being oh-so-over-board commercialized is making me mildly disgusted with the whole thing. I don’t remember it being this bad last year, was it this bad last year? Also, I keep hearing that stores in the States are opening on Thanksgiving? Seriously? People don’t get a day to just chill with their families without feeling like they are missing all the best deals? Oy! I’d be pissed if I normally got it off but now had to work it because some corporate suit decided the store should open so he/she gets their yearly bonus *rolls eyes*
  • I bought mandarin oranges, Mmm! A sure sign of it being the Christmas Season! It’s ridiculous, no way can one person eat an entire box but I’ll do my best and then share the rest. 🙂
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

And that is it for now! 🙂 I’ll type you all later!

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Do Taste Buds Change?

26 Nov

Ok, I already know that they do, but still I pose the question to you, do they change? Like, for real? And if so, how much? And why? And will they go back? Is it just they get used to things, or trained, and when you change what they are exposed to they adapt therefore making what you used to eat seem unpalatable?

This is a serious concern of mine. It may seem like a stupid concern but it matters to me.

Here is the situation:

I have a sweet tooth, more like a mouth full of sweet teeth lol I like sweets. I looooove pastries! But dessert type things are my favourite, all the time, anytime of day. I will gladly give up all food for a day if it means I can eat a doughnut, or cinnamon bun, or lemon tart, or slice of pie, or or or…basically any dessert.

I have never been that person who is all “I’m scraping the frosting off my piece of cake because it is too sweet” or “I’m not buying a cinnamon bun because there is too much cream cheese icing on it” or “oh wow, isn’t this so sugary?! I can’t eat it” I have never understood when people say stuff like that. Too sugary? Too sweet?? Too much frosting???? Are you from another planet? There can never be too much! The whole reason I always want the corner piece from a cake is because there is more frosting! I pick the cinnamon bun with the most icing. I want the sugar! It’s dessert for heavens sake, it is supposed to be sweet! What is wrong with your tastebuds??

Well tonight, the most distressing thing happened with my tastebuds, I ate and drank two different things and both were gross because…they were too sweet. What?! Oh my gawd did I just say that?! I feel like I need to change my identity and move to another country because I have just written the unspeakable. *ducks head in shame*

I stopped at a Starbucks. Bad idea right there. Now, my fave drink is a chai latte but I thought I’d branch out. Why would I branch out? Because I love pumpkin. What? You mean writing that didn’t immediately fill in the blanks? Weird… 😉 I love pumpkin, it is fall, this means pumpkin flavour stuff is still everywhere, Mmm! I have never ever ordered a pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks because, brace for this, I don’t drink coffee, in any form. Ick. I had heard though, if I want the pumpkin flavour get steamed milk with the pumpkin flavouring and I can get my pumpkin sans coffee. Brilliant! Since I got told that I haven’t been in a Starbucks so I thought why not try tonight? So that dear internet is what I ordered *looks around guiltily* crap! fine! I won’t lie to you…that isn’t all I ordered…I also got a chocolate chip cookie *gasp* I know! I know! Horrible! Bad! Stupid move! I have berated myself over it quite enough so rest assured I feel poorly about my well, poor decision, and will work hard to do better in the future. Does that sound apologetic enough? Yeah, I think so. 😉

That steamed pumpkin drink was the most disgusting thing ever! I had it made with soy but it wasn’t the soy that was nasty. It was the pumpkin flavour, it was hideously sweet, as in, I managed 4 tiny sips and called it quits it was that undrinkable. Not only did I not love something pumpkin flavour I also thought something was too sweet! This is unheard of in my world!

This is the dreaded cookie.

This is the dreaded cookie.

The cookie was slightly better. It was a soft chocolate chip cookie that I still can’t figure out why I ordered, the words “I’ll also have a chocolate chip cookie please” just slipped out of my mouth easy-as-you-please and before I could somehow retract them without looking the fool the cookie was in a bag and in my purse. In. My. Purse. Like I had to hide the evidence I bought a cookie. Oh wait, I did. *rolls eyes* I ate it while sitting in my suv in the parkade cause apparently I am in to eating secretly in my vehicle now. Maybe if I eat in my suv the calories don’t count? 😉 The first bite was good, not great, but not horrible. The more I ate though the more I didn’t like it. The chocolate was in too big of chunks, the sweetness level was hurting my teeth (hey, I have sensitive teeth, don’t judge!) but not only that it was almost immediately making my tummy feel not well. Didn’t stop me from eating it though…really wish it had. I know I’ll never be ordering it again because of how icky it made me feel. It was just too sweet. It left me feeling sickly, like I’d eaten a whole bag of halloween candy or something, my stomach hurt, I felt nauseous, it was just not a good experience at all.

I have never eaten something and been all, “nope, it’s too sweet” but that cookie? That cookie was too sweet. And so was the pumpkin drink.

Which brings me back to my question, can tastebuds change? And by how much?

Is this “oh ick stuff is too sweet” thing a phase? Is it only because I’ve been eating such small amounts of sugar, and for the most part what sugar I have been eating is what is naturally occurring in fruit, that my tastebuds (and my tummy) are become not as used to sugar as they once were and are therefore having trouble dealing with it? How sad would that be? *pout*

Could it be *gasp* part of growing up? That is a scary thought!

Could it be a one off and nothing to worry about?

I don’t know.

I do know my tastebuds have changed in the past. I used to hate asparagus, now it is one of my fave veggies. I used to hate all dried fruits, now I like dried cranberries (great salad topper!). I used to love then I hated then I loved again baked beans. So over the years I know my tastes have changed for various foods but never have they changed in regards to how sweet/salty/savoury I like or dislike my foods to be.

I don’t want to stop liking sweet things, like cookies and cakes and pie and pastries and just in general all the wonderous desserts out there. I think that would be sad. Might make losing weight easier though…but it’d still be sad!

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Week 2 Done!

25 Nov

Yesterday was the end of Week 2 of my Lose a Pant Size By Dec 22/13 challenge! To read day-to-day deets about the challenge click Here! I had a rocky start to the beginning of week 2, what with the whole pizza fiasco on the Monday but I worked hard to not mess up the rest of the days and even with snacking at the fundraiser and eating a steak dinner last night I ended up under my calories for the week. Yay!! 🙂

I know I shouldn’t be under calories for the week but since I started the week by doubling my calories for that day I am glad I managed to reverse that damage. Of course, I have 3 pieces of pizza individually wrapped and in the freezer that I have no idea what to do with but that’s a problem for another day…Granted, almost was a problem today buuuuuut I’m so determined to not have red on my bar graph for this week that I managed to not cave lol.

Looks like if my willpower starts to fail me I can rely on my not wanting to confess to you I screwed up and that’ll keep me in line! Let me tell ya, that is all that is keeping me in line right now as I reeeeally want to eat something! I know vaguely what I want to eat but at this point I’d jump face first into any number of different foods lol Classy huh? 😛

This eating plan is strict, and leaves me feeling not hungry but not full, I’m in some weird middle ground. I mean obviously leading up to meal time I feel hungry but after eating a meal I feel…I dunno, not full or satisfied but not hungry anymore…maybe this is how I am supposed to feel? Always wanting a little bit more but not eating that little bit more cause that’ll take me over the line to having eaten too much?

It sucks. But sacrifices right? Right!

Small sacrifices today to reach the goals of tomorrow! wOOt!

I’m glad I’ve got my eating under control (for today at least) since I kinda slept through my Zumba class, oops! In my defence I was running on 3 hours sleep. When I got home from work I thought it was a good idea to take a short nap and go to the slightly later Zumba class. I didn’t intend to sleep for so long! By the time I woke up all the classes were over, oh dear. Stupid 2 hour nap, sigh.

The nap did feel good though 🙂

determination-large-msg-135986263557

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Avocado and Egg and Bowling

23 Nov

Two days in a row I tried something new food wise, must be a record! lol 😛

I had the other half of the avocado from yesterday, anybody who knows avocados knows that half wouldn’t last very long, as in, not past today but I didn’t have anymore tuna so I had to find something else to try.  I kept seeing recipes on my facebook news feed for baked avocado with egg so I googled and voila! a whole lotta recipes came up. Gotta love google!

mine looked fairly close to this

mine looked fairly close to this

Basically you cut an avocado in half, take out the pit, scoop a bit out of each side of the avocado (some sites recommend 2 tblsp of avocado get scooped, I just kinda eyeballed it), crack an egg into the hole, bake for 15-17 minutes at 425 degrees. The cooking time is also approximate, each recipe had slightly different times but all said keep an eye on it and bake until the white part is set. shrug. Seemed fairly easy.

Most of the recipes used a variety of seasoning, everything from salt and pepper to paprika, fresh chives etc. I don’t get that. Why people always feel the need to season food to taste like something else when it tastes really good as it is. Like veggies. People so often seem to drown their veggies in a sauce or seasonings and that confuses me, I like how veggies taste, I am perfectly happy to cook some veggies and eat them just like that, so they taste like how they naturally taste. Seems to be a “me” thing though, shrug. Anyways, I wondered if maybe this combo needed seasoning, maybe it wouldn’t be good without, so I put some pepper on it.

It tasted sooooo good! As long as you like eggs with runny yolks and avocado you will love this combo! 😀 I didn’t mind the pepper but to be honest I probably won’t use it if I get to make this again, I just don’t see the need, and neither do my taste buds lol

I had a side of turkey bacon with it. Being the carb lover I am a piece of toast would have gone greeeat with this meal but alas, no bread for me. sigh. It was still quite delish without it. 🙂

I kinda messed up this evening though. Oh dear.

My dragon boat team was hosting a fundraiser this evening, know what this means? Food! Drinks! Temptation! I was so hoping I could come back home, log on here and boast about how I made it through the entire evening without eating but let’s get real here, this is me, and I ate. Ugh. I’m calling myself names right now so don’t feel the need to do that for me k? 😉

I ate dinner before I went, I had a piece of tilapia on top of a salad, it was MmmMmm Good! lol I purposefully ate a nice big salad in the hopes it would get me through the evening. I almost made a protein shake to drink in the car on the way there to sorta top me up but that seemed like overkill. lol. Now I’m thinking I should have done that, hindsight is always 20/20 though, stupid hindsight, *glares*

I tracked the best I could tho! I counted everything I ate and didn’t touch sooooo much of the delish looking food, even though I really really wanted to. I totally caved with the nanaimo bars though, I have a weakness, *big epic sigh* Nanaimo bars are so good! But soooo bad for me! Almost 200 calories per piece! That’s ridiculous! Especially since it’s a small piece! If I was going to eat a square of nanaimo bar the least I could have done was eat one piece, not two but nooOOOooo not me, I had to have two *rolls eyes at self*.

I got home and added the food I ate at the fundraiser to my Lose It! app. There were a couple items that are approximated but I think fairly close, and just in case I estimated high. Luckily I bowled so I burned some calories there, yay!

I’m mad at myself for eating while at the fundraiser, I wasn’t feeling particularly hungry, it was seeing everyone else eating and enjoying the food that made me want to eat. Like I had to eat to fit in or something…which is dumb cause it is my dragon boat team, I already have a place there, no need to try to fit in. I was feeling a bit apart from everything though, I mean, it was great to see everyone, and the fundraiser seemed to go well, people had fun, but I felt like I had to force myself to be social, push myself to seem like I was having as good a time as everyone else. Normally at dragon boat functions I just have fun, no pushing needed, but not this evening…I guess I’m still dealing with what happened last weekend?

By the time I got home I really wanted to eat! Not because I am hungry, but because, well, I want to. Which is stupid. If I wasn’t tracking my food, even though I had nibblies at the fundraiser I would have without second thought dived in to some sort of food. Cookies maybe, or some toast, Mmm bread!, chocolate perhaps, or a banana pudding…I don’t know what I would have eaten but I would have eaten something. Instead I made a cup of tea, sat down and started blogging while watching a movie on my tv. Ahh multi-tasking! lol I guess I should be proud of myself for not caving and eating something else when I’m not actually hungry but right now all I feel is deprived lol But what am I depriving myself of? Over indulging on un-healthy food I don’t need that will make me fatter? Why do I feel deprived about that?! That’s messed up my friends. Messed. Up.

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Salsa and Tuna, Who Knew?

22 Nov

I may have slightly, kind of, maaaaaaybe forgot to cook some form of protein for dinner before I left for work *bats eyes innocently* Which means of course no dinner while I was at work. Lemme tell ya, that sucked.

It wouldn’t have been as bad if I worked somewhere that didn’t have a fully stocked kitchen that produces gourmet meals twice a day. Oh, and don’t forget the large open container of Ferrero Rocher that was for any and all staff to nibble from. Those are one of my all time favourite chocolates in case you were wondering, so yummmmm!

Back to the food.

I didn’t even read the menu at work today cause I didn’t want to know! The more I know about what masterpieces are being made in there the more I have to fight against the lure of the food. sigh. Knowledge is not always power. 😉

I did have to go in to the kitchen eventually, for actual work stuff, but after the kitchen staff were done and the yummy smells were no more. However, there are always, and I mean always! freshly baked cookies in that kitchen. So mean!

The most random thing kept me from grabbing a cookie…on the Lose It! app I use to track my calories and exercise there is a bar graph, if you stay at or under your allowed calories for the day the bar is green. If you go over your calories the bar goes red, as in danger! danger! you are heading to the dark side! take that food outta your mouth! (I always imagine that in a robotic voice for some reason) I really didn’t want the line for today to turn red, I also didn’t want to have to confess to you my dear readers that I messed up, again. So, no cookie for me. No Ferrero Rocher for me. No dinner cooked by the chef at work for me. Let’s just say there were a lot of food options today and none were for me. *rolls eyes* What’s scary is it is just going to keep getting worse because it’s that time of year, *sing song voice* You know what I am talking about! The time of year where it seems you can’t turn around without coming face to plate with something deeeelicious but ridiculously high in calories. Chocolate. Cookies. Cakes. Puddings. Sauces. Fudge. Candies…and sooooo much more!…not that I’m focusing on it or anything… 😉

For my oh so late in the day dinner I tried something new. A friend told me that my taste bud savior while eating Paleo would be salsa. Now, I’m not a hater of salsa, but I also wouldn’t say I was a lover of it. It is one of those things that is there, and is good for the occasional nacho-fest but otherwise? Meh. I’m not that bothered. I trust this friend though so salsa now lives in my kitchen. I decided to open a can of tuna, mostly because I bought an avocado and this morning when I felt it up it was at the perfect-eat-me-today-or-I-will-go-bad-overnight stage. Usually I mix tuna with light mayo but my random burst of inspiration had me mix a can of tuna with 4 tbls of salsa, I then topped it with diced tomato and half an avocado. Surprisingly it was good. Oh, and I don’t mean “good but I’ll never eat it again” but actually “good, I’m gonna hafta buy another can of tuna soon”.

avocados...can't trust em!

avocados…can’t trust em!

Sidenote: when I say I ate the can of tuna what I mean is I ate most of the can of tuna but a portion of it is automatically given to the cat or I forfeit my right to exist in his presence and he will kill me overnight. Anyone with a cat understand this. 😉

what would happen if my cat didn't get his share of tuna...

what would happen if my cat didn’t get his share of tuna…

 

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I Just Don’t Care

19 Nov

I can’t bring myself to care, about anything, it just seems too exhausting. It is like every emotion I have has been muted, or covered by a blanket, stifled in some way. I know they are there, just under the surface, wanting out, I just can’t be bothered to make an effort to try to feel them anymore.

I’m doing a pretty decent job of faking it, sorta. At work when I’m at the desk interacting with residents or guests or most of the other staff I’m able to put on a fake smile, make my voice sound cheery and do my thing. There is one staff member that for some reason I don’t feel the need to put the mask on for, it is much easier being around her, less effort needed ya know?

That’s why I haven’t been writing, just the thought of opening my laptop was too much, let alone logging on to wordpress and writing something. The only reason I managed it tonight was because I was going to watch a movie and when I logged onto the computer wordpress popped on to my screen, musta been the last place I was when I closed the laptop last time. I wasn’t going to log on, wasn’t  going to write, was just going to ignore wordpress but then I decided to read other people’s blogs and it made me realize I should probably write in mine…don’t know why, not like this is a happy, cheerful, entertaining post…generally my posts are upbeat and mildly entertaining (at least I hope they are).

I managed to follow my eating plan for the most part since the fiasco that was Friday. Saturday and Sunday were perfect. Followed my eating plan, tracked everything in my Lose It! app, I may be going through a tough time but at least I didn’t add guilt to my shoulders over messing up my eating plan. Monday however I screwed up, but since I’m still in a cloud of not caring, I can’t bring myself to feel badly about it. I’m sure I’ll feel like that eventually, but for now, no guilt over choosing bad for me food. shrug. I ate according to plan while at work but when I got home I just couldn’t get the energy to make dinner. At first I wasn’t really hungry so I figured wait a bit, when I’m hungry then I’ll want to eat and I’ll go make something but nope. By the time I was hungry I was in no mood to go messing around in the kitchen so I did what I absolutely should not have, I ordered pizza…and dessert bread sticks. Damn you Panago for having such tasty food! Mostly I wanted the dessert breadsticks, I am a carb junkie, when things go bad that’s what I aim for, not good I know but I figure it’s better then gambling or drinking, right?

dessert breadsticks from Panago, just dip em in frosting and enjoy!

dessert breadsticks from Panago, just dip em in frosting and enjoy!

I ate the breadsticks and a bit of the pizza, it was super tasty. Mmm! The low level headache I’d been having for days went away and for a little while I actually felt like I had energy. I didn’t do anything with that energy mind you, just chilled watching tv and cuddling with the cat but at least I felt a bit energetic. That quickly faded and I ended up napping on the living room chair by accident, oops. I’m putting that down to a long day at work on very little sleep.

Today (Tuesday) I met up with a friend around 5pm-ish. I slept most of the day, having gone to bed around 3am, so I had a protein shake before meeting her and then we went shopping, had dinner and watched a movie. For dinner we had sushi, I know if you order carefully sushi can be a healthy meal, but I order like a born and raised North American which means not healthy. We split some spicy agedashi tofu, then I had an avocado roll and a philly roll. The philly roll is my favourite, smoked salmon and cream cheese…so not on my eating plan! Then, just to make things worse, I had a small frozen yogurt at the theatre. *groans*

Even while sitting here typing out what I ate and knowing I should feel badly about messing up my eating plan I just…don’t. I’m not even trying to justify the food choices, shrug. I made them. I ate the food. Whatever, it’s done and there’s nothing I can do about it now. I am however trying to figure out what to do with the left over pizza in my fridge…can I freeze that so the next time I crave pizza I can just thaw out one slice? I’ll hafta google that…

So eating hasn’t gotten me out of this funk, neither has shopping. Weird huh? I bought some Christmas presents today, and some stuff for myself yesterday and the day before and while I am glad I made the purchases the usual giddy happiness I would feel over some of the stuff I bought isn’t there. I’m just all meh about it.

Tomorrow I will go to Zumba class no matter what, maybe that’ll help shake me outta this? Gotta try something since my usual ways of cheering myself up have failed.

The only positive thing I am getting from all this is since eating the pizza, and the breadsticks, and the sushi and the frozen yogurt didn’t make me feel better I might as well make the effort to eat according to my meal plan. Since the high calorie, carb laden food is doing nothing for me emotion wise or body fat % wise I might as well ignore it and eat only what I am supposed to. Least when this is all over and I am back to my normal self I won’t be looking in to the mirror at someone who let themselves go and gained a bunch of weight instead of reaching her goal of dropping a size by Dec 22. Cause even if right now I don’t care about that, I’m sure I will care about it again soon and I don’t want to be kicking myself for making my goal even harder to reach all cause I couldn’t keep it together.

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Extenuating Circumstances

15 Nov

extenuating

I don’t normally fail on day two of a challenge. Especially when I gave the challenge to myself. I did all kinds of things to make sure I not only rocked this one but I had fun and it was as easy as it could be.

Inspirational wall? Yup!

Goal Pants? Yup!

Groceries bought? Yup!

Food cooked a day in advance so I wasn’t running around crazy before work? Yup!

Calendar put on wall for easy visual tracking? Yup!

Lose It! and Runtastic App brought up to date and actually used? Yup!

Goal written out and taped to wall so I can remember why I’m doing this? Yup!

See? See how organized I was?!

Thing is, you can’t plan for everything no matter how hard you try, and sometimes things happen you weren’t even aware you had to plan for…more importantly, brace for.

It was a bad night at work today. It started off fine, like any other Friday evening shift. I was having a good time (I find my job fun), was mentally planning for errands I had to do after work, thinking about all kinds of random happy things when a sound I absolutely dread occurred.

The emergency alarm.

Crap.

Usually the emergency alarm turns out to be a false alarm or a situation I can at least deal with.

Tonight…not so much.

All those years I have been keeping my First Aid/CPR up to date, all those scenarios I am trained for, well, for the first time ever I had to utilize those skills, had to actually do what I had been taught in all those classes.

You know what I learned? Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, nothing works. 😦

I watched someone die tonight. While I was working on her she just…went away…I can’t get over how she was there and then she wasn’t…

Paramedics and firemen came, they worked on her also, they tried so hard but she was gone.

The rest of my night was spent doing my normal work stuff and handling all the things that go along with the death of a resident.

So you see, extenuating circumstances, they can mess with the best made plans, and ya know what, right now, I don’t even care that I messed up my eating for the day because I got reminded that there are things so so so much more important than the stupid, self involved, whiny crap I talk about on a daily basis.

After work I had to hit up the grocery store, besides what was on my list I bought a Chinese Almond Bun and a Lindt chocolate bar. Bad decision? Yes. Right way to deal with how I was feeling? No. Right now do I care that I totally blew my eating plan on day 2 of my challenge? No, cause ya know what, not everyday I watch someone die and frankly, not so sure I know how to deal with this.

All I can do is give myself time, and call my mom (which fyi, I will soooo be doing tomorrow! Would have done tonight except for stupid time zones that meant she was sleeping by the time I got home)…I have this mentality that my mom can fix anything, I know there isn’t anything in this situation she can fix but I also know I’ll feel better getting to hear her voice, hers and my dads.

So for now I have a sore stomach from the chocolate, I have teary eyes and I have the overwhelming urge to go to sleep and escape thinking about what happened today.

Tomorrow will be better, right?

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The Aftermath

13 Nov

It is amazing how being sick can throw everything off kilter, and I mean everything! 

"No More Sick Days Allowed!" says me to me

“No More Sick Days Allowed!” says me to me

This past Monday was my first day feeling healthy, yay! 😀 I only had one coughing fit, I got to the end of my work day and still had most of my voice and energy, it was all kinds of good. This means that my days off are being used to get back on track food wise, exercise wise, errands wise, acting wise…you get the idea lol.

I have to go agent hunting, sooooo stressful! There is a lot that has to be done prior to submitting your info to agents when going agent hunting. You need new headshots, you need to get those headshots printed, you need to revamp your demo reel and resume. Submissions are all done electronically now so you have to take care of that.  For some people this might not be a big deal but for me it takes a while because it all costs money, sigh. And not small amounts of money, nope, decent chunks of the stuff, something I don’t have randomly lying around. I got my headshots done a bit ago but haven’t been able to afford to print them. I’m finally able to do that so I’ll be placing the order soon (as in tomorrow when the shop is open). I started the process of revamping my online account so I can electronically submit to agents, I’ll be working more on it after I finish typing this post. I decided I can’t afford to redo my demo reel so I am going to continue using the one I have, luckily I still look the same (for the most part) and I am also working on memorizing a monologue to perform if the agents want to see something a bit newer. Luckily I’ve been working on some independent projects and can provide links to them, or at least to one of them (its on YouTube) and I juuuuust might be able to get a copy of something else I have been working on if I’m lucky! *crosses fingers* So that’s all good, I’m working on getting my submissions out there and while I wish I was moving a bit faster with it I am doing the best I can. 🙂

Food wise, well, hmm, a lot of food went bad while I was sick, oops! What can I say, when I am sick my appetite nose dives, shrug. I did a clean sweep of my fridge this evening and oh wow, soooooo much stuff had to be thrown out (well, technically, it was composted, but still!) I have been talking to a friend at work who is a personal trainer, asking for her help with getting in better shape. The way I work is easy, I need rules, I need someone to give me a list of rules, better yet an eating plan, a very specific eating plan, and I need for them to say “follow this, don’t deviate, deviating is cheating and you won’t lose weight if you cheat, just follow it even though it sucks and I guarantee it will work” or something along those lines lol. I had a friend who isn’t a trainer but who is in really good shape and he did something along those lines a long time ago, I think it was almost 2 years ago, wow, I can’t believe I’ve known him that long, crazy! Anyways! lol When I followed the eating plan he gave me it was hard, it was restrictive, it was not conducive to having any kind of social life but it worked. Something that works is what I want, I want that more then a huge wide variety of food, I want that more then a social life that revolves around eating, I want that more than anything (well, what I want most over anything ever is for my acting career to take off but that’s a slightly different topic…although still related…) I told her this and her response, after asking me a lot of questions and learning my eating habits as they are now, was to go Paleo. Ugh. I will do a whole separate post on what I think about Paleo but rest assured, it is not going to be a sunshiny review, I have not “drunk the Paleo kool-aid” so to speak lol. I started re-reading about Paleo, (I researched it last year), so I could refresh myself on the rules and basically skipped to the back of the book to read the recipes lol After reading the recipes I realized that this wasn’t gonna happen, not because the recipes seemed particularly hard or complex but because I just don’t want to cook that much, shrug. My fix for this whole needing-to-cook issue was to revert back to the eating plan my friend gave me two years ago. What he put me on was Paleo but Paleo gone hard core, as in oh.my.god. crazy hard core! Once I get back in to the routine of my hard core Paleo I will once a week try one of the Paleo recipes. This way, my food won’t be quite as boring, but I’ll be easing in to the whole cooking-in-a-whole-new-way-with-all-kinds-of-different-ingredients-thing while still following a strict but good eating plan. To accommodate my return to this hard core Paleo eating plan I went grocery shopping today, with a list! An actual list! lol It actually felt pretty good, going in there with a plan, getting just what I needed,  knowing that what I was buying was going to be used in a healthy way. I haven’t had that in a while, it was nice getting that back. 🙂

With my exercising, I went to a boxing class with a friend last night. I love boxing! I’ve always loved it but it is so pricey, sigh. It was a one off, I wasn’t actually intending to join the club lol but don’t look at me like that, the friend I went with was intending to join, and did join so we didn’t waste the trainers time. 😛 I maaaay have slightly over done it though, kind of a pushed a bit too hard too soon kind of thing, oops! This morning my voice was not quite all there and the throat was back to hurting and today I’ve been way low on energy, more so than normal. Because of that I didn’t go to the gym today like I intended but will for sure exercise tomorrow. Maybe it’s better to start back with the exercising by going every second day, don’t push the body too too far until for sure it is 100%? At least this is what I am telling myself lol

So the aftermath of my cold is slowly being dealt with, errands caught up with, eating plan back on track, exercising starting back up again, agent hunting preparation underway. That cold put me behind for 2 whole weeks but I’m back in the game now and will make up that lost time quick quick quick! Brace yourself for the awesomeness that I am going to be bringing, it will be epic! 😉

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Remembrance Day

11 Nov

remembrance-day-poem

I don’t have impressive, soul touching words to express my feelings about Remembrance Day. Poets, soldiers and many others have done far better than I ever could. Instead I leave you with an exert from a poem written by Laurence Binyon just after the retreat from Mons and the victory of the Marne. The poem is called For The Fallen:

They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

 

 

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