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30-ish

13 Jun

Alrighty so today was THE day, the day I was stepping on…dun-dun-dunnn…the scale! (insert scream here!)

It was NOT a pleasant experience at all! 😦

Everything started off ok, I got the new battery in, chose a flat non-carpeted spot to place it (as per the sticker on the bottom), stood on it once to get it calibrated (still following what the sticker said). According to the sticker you step on, wait till it flashes a number, ignore the number, step off, wait till the screen goes blank then step back on because only after all that is the scale actually able to properly weigh you.

I gotta say, after all that, the number that showed up on that stupid silly little digital screen made me so upset I couldn’t decide if I should hit something, cry, pout, break the scale, crawl back in to bed and hide or immediately sell my car so I could find a doctor and get liposuction.

Of course I did none of those things, Β I hopped in the shower with that horrible horrible number repeating itself in my head and gazed blindly at the wall of the shower wondering what the hell happened. How had I let that happen?? Talk about epic fail.

I had thought I’d gained 10-15 pounds from the last time I weighed myself, which, in case you are wondering was hmm, two years or so ago? I stopped weighing myself when I started building more muscle and the scale number stopped giving me proper feedback on my progress. Um yeah, no, according to the scale I have gone up 30 pounds. THIRTY POUNDS!!!

fat cat 2

I just don’t get it, I mean yeah I have gone up a pant size, but usually a pant size is 10 pounds, and my top half hasn’t changed size in years, where are these thirty pounds? Where?!?!

Why didn’t any of my friends give me a heads up I was headed back in to porker land? Aren’t friends supposed to tell you things like this? 😦

pig

I’m so mad about that number!

A friend of mine, who is also a co-worker, was at work today and I spoke to her, I was in such a funk and I needed to vent to someone. Turns out she doesn’t even own a scale so as soon as I said I stepped on one she was asking me why I would do that lol Only the supremely fit wonder why the rest of us rely so much on the scale *rolls eyes* She is a personal trainer and couldn’t believe the number the scale gave me. She also said that:

(1) the scale can’t tell the difference between fat and muscle and since we’ve known each other (about a year) I’ve put on muscle

(2) unless it is one of the scales that tells you your body fat percentage, muscle and water retention the number doesn’t mean anything

(3) if I’m wearing the same, or close to the same clothing size as before then the change in number can’t all be fat gain

(4) never pay attention to a scale

During our convo another co-worker walked in and heard what we were talking about, she said she gained 40 pounds in a year so my weight gain is a totally possible thing to which my friend asked about her clothing sizes and she admitted she went up 4 clothing sizes in that one year…so she most likely gained fat (I’m not being mean, she is the one who said that!) where as I apparently gained some combo of fat and muscle…I just don’t get it, sigh. I mean, I get it in theory, but that doesn’t help me with how I’m feeling right now.

It especially doesn’t help that I have an audition tomorrow and have to be in a swimsuit. 😦

So I don’t know what to do…I was freaking out when still at home and getting ready for work and decided that things need to change asap. I made my healthy breakfast (dropped an egg on the floor while doing it, ugh, messy!), made a healthy dinner to take to work (which I accidentally left on the counter when I left for work so I had to throw it out when I got home, talk about a day for wasting food, sigh), decided I am no longer eating food from work unless it is legit healthy or I stupidly leave my healthy food at home *rolls eyes* and I took workout gear with me so when I was done at 9pm I changed at work and went for a run in the area I work. I find by the time I get home at 9:30pm it is too dark to run but if I run at 9pm it is still decently light outside hence the running where I work.

I was paranoid about how I looked when I left the house but while at work I went to the washroom and thought I looked good in the mirror…am I trying to subconsciously delude myself about how bad the situation has gotten? Are my eyes tricking me? Maybe the mirror is faulty?

When I was finished at work and changed in to my workout gear I could see all my problem spots but I was still confused about the change in number, no way I would have been able to wear the t-shirt I was wearing the last time I weighed this amount, it is too slim fitting, and I only bought these work out pants when I was a lower weight then I am now (about 15 pounds lighter than I am now) but they still fit and more importantly they still look good.

So what gives?

I’ve decided to let that number spur me in to motion, be my reason for moving more, eating better, being fitter. I hate that number and even though I have no idea how much of it is fat and how much of it is muscle, I don’t care, I still hate it and I want it to get smaller. I will make it smaller!

More workouts at the gym, more evening runs after work, more proper meals, more focus, more dedication, more pushing myself.

More!

never quit again

That’s A Wrap!

31 May

This past Thursday I had the most amaaaaazing experience!

I shot my first…dun-dun-dun…commercial! πŸ˜€

<insert happy dance here>

I had the best time, I don’t have enough descriptive words in my vocabulary to properly describe how it was, think of every word that means amazing/stupendous/awesome/over-the-moon, string all those words together and that might come close to how much fun I had…maybe! lol

A paid acting job – can’t get better than that! πŸ˜€

It is a commercial for a local company and it is an online commercial so you won’t randomly come across it when watching tv but if I find a link for it once it is up online trust me when I say I will for sure share the link lol

The director and camera guy and sound guy and make-up lady and well, everybody that was there was nice, super friendly, gave me great feedback and was so much fun to work with! Couldn’t really have had a better time. πŸ™‚

The commercial was set in a grocery store so that is where we filmed, first in the parking lot of a grocery store then when the shop was closed we were inside. Some random things I learned about grocery stores are:

– they never ever ever turn the music off

– the produce misters randomly mist during the night

– they are creepy when there is only a small group of you there and you know the store is closed

– the staff bathrooms are nasty

Some things I learned about myself after extended time in a grocery store:

– the longer I am standing in an aisle the more interesting the food in that aisle becomes

– I didn’t know you could buy iced tea in such large jugs

– it is instinct to want to reach out for items that are on sale so I can buy them, even though there is no staff to buy them from lol

We shot three different scenes, meant to take place on three different days, I am not sure if they will pick one they liked the best and use that for the commercial or if they are creating three separate commercials, that is not the type of information I am given. There were four actors total for this section of the commercial, there were others scenes being shot today that those of us that filmed in the grocery store won’t be in. I had to be on set for 5:30pm and be ready for filming by 6:30pm, that gave me enough time to do wardrobe and make-up and discuss with the director what I would be doing, oh, and also for meeting the other people I’d be in the scenes with. Some of the actors didn’t have to come till later in the day because the scenes with them in weren’t until later. I wrapped (that means I finished on set) a little after 4am, so a 10.5 hour shoot which is about right. It could have been a little shorter, well, a lot shorter I suppose, but after the sun was too low and we couldn’t film outside anymore we had to wait for the grocery store to close at 11pm before we could start setting up and filming inside. That gave us a nice break where we could get a hot drink, get fed (they feed you on set), hang out, do whatever. I didn’t go anywhere because I looked horrible lol My character is this really tired, defeated mom so my make-up was smudged and my hair was messy and my outfit was, um, not attractive lol Perfect for the character but nothing I’d want to go wandering around in…though I was quite comfy. πŸ™‚

I got exceptionally awesome feedback from the director, he said I did a great job, he loved working with me, he said all kinds of good stuff but it’s rude to brag so I’ll stop with that lol

When it was all over I got home and arrived to this at my door…

large, pretty and nameless lol

large, pretty and nameless lol

They are from my landlord and his wife, they are from the garden. I don’t know what they are but they smell quite nice. I was reluctant to bring them in because the last time they gave me blooms from the garden there were ants in them and well, yuck! I carefully inspected these ones and they seem to be bug free, I’m hoping I didn’t miss the little buggers, I can’t abide insects in my place, *shudder*. Even though they weren’t left for me as a “good job” or “congrats” for the acting job I sort of pretended they were, well, for about a minute lol, then reality set in and I realized they wouldn’t remember that was the night I was filming and they were just being nice, shrug.

Oh and get this, as if getting to be on set wasn’t enough to make the day awesome prior to filming I had an audition, so it was a day filled with acting, acting and more acting! πŸ˜€ Oh how I wish all my days were like that, sigh.

I am determined that this is the beginning, the first noticeable step, from here on out it will be bigger and better and one day I’ll be making my living from acting, not just squeezing it in between day jobs!

The Many Sides Of Me

1 May

Do not watch the above video if swearing offends you!

I have, hmm, 4 distinct clothing styles right now, I’d love to have more but can’t afford to, shrug. I’ve noticed that each clothing style corresponds with a noticeable change in how I act, in how my personality shines through lol πŸ˜›

Something I learned in film school is that we use our clothing choices like armour, what we wear shows the world who we are, and that in turn dictates how people treat us and to some degree how we treat others. Obviously there are many other factors at play but I’m focusing on clothing and your “look” only (by “look” I mean hairstyle, makeup, accessories etc).

Over the years your different looks will change as you figure out who you are, so you might go grunge for a while, goth, alternative, punk, bling, hipster or any of the other varied options, they are all valid choices and they will all help you to express who you feel you are inside.

But what happens when the clothing starts to define you and your actions to such a degree the “look” stops being something thatΒ you choose so you can show off a part of your personality and instead dictates to you what part of your personality you will show?

I like to wear black, a lot of black, with leather wrist bands that are studded with metal, I like thick chains for my necklaces, I like to accessorize with skulls and crossbones, I like dark eye makeup and pale skin, I like buckles on my black leather boots and if I could afford it I’d own a motorcycle. This is how I always want to look, but I can’t always look like that because I have a life that has varied interests and activities, shrug. So this version of me doesn’t get to come out nearly as often as it used to. When it did though, I was bad ass, I could handle anything, I could confront anybody about any topic, I could hold my ground, I could fight if needed, I could stare down a person so they’d not even approach me, I felt like I had power, like I was different enough from the norm I stood out and was very clearly not a sheep. Or at least all of that is how my look made me feel.

But what about when I work out? Obviously I’m not going to dress like that!

So, when I go hiking, or to dragon boat practice, or running, or to the gym, or walking with friends, or bike riding or any of the other sporty activities that I do I dress differently. I wear yoga pants, and runners, and sports bras, and a t-shirt that is meant to get sweaty, and my hair is pulled back, I have little to no make up on, maybe I’ve thrown a baseball cap on my head, I’m as far away from the girl in black as I can be. When I dress like this I act differently then the girl in black does. I’m friendly, I am competitive, I don’t care if I’m sweaty cause I’m working out, I’m all about getting out there, doing stuff, finding the next activity, enjoying the fresh air.

But what about when I am chillin at home?

At home I’m all about comfort, I’m all for the over sized sweat pants and t-shirts, usually with an over sized hoodie thrown over top for good measure. I wear thick comfy socks, my hair is pulled back in a messy ponytail and my bangs are clipped back with barrettes cause I don’t want to be annoyed by them. You can’t tell what shape I am because my clothes make me look like a lump, I may or may not have makeup on. When I’m dressed like this I am lazy, I’m tired, I want to be left alone to watch tv, or read a book, or go online, Β I’m anti-social and I like it that way. I don’t care about what I’m doing tomorrow, hell, I’m not thinking past the next half hour, I’m a hermit who doesn’t like being outside.

Hey now, you hafta pay rent somehow! What about when I’m at work?

Work is where I am farthest from myself, if anyone ever questions my acting ability they should come see me at work, acting at its finest! I wear business casual clothes, stressing the casual part of that! In summer I wear a lot of dresses, they are easy outfits and the residents like them – they are of a generation where women wore dresses and skirts more often, shrug, I’ve found my being in dresses and skirts makes them feel more comfortable…that and the guys like looking at my legs lol. I’m wearing patterns, and florals *shudder*, cute ballet style shoes with bows on them, my hair is loose and straight, my makeup is light and natural. I smile a lot, laugh a lot, am super cheerful and helpful and patient. I have time for everyone and make sure everyone I deal with feels they have my undivided attention when I am speaking with them. I fix various things, and explain and re-explain the answers to the same tech questions weekly, I am quick moving and sweet and have been emotionally adopted by every resident in there to the point that it sometimes feels like I have 79 grandparents. I am empathetic, sympathetic and if there is an emergency I run like the wind and take care of the resident in need right up to the point the paramedics get there and take over. I nurse wounds, provide a hand to hold when someone is in pain, am that familiar reassuring face, somehow I make them feel protected.

Oh I lied, I have a fifth look, my out with friends look.

It is a toned down version of the girl in black. Same black leather boots with buckles, same tendency to wear black, and skulls, and black leather wrist bands with spikes, but toned down a bit. So, if I wear the wrist band, I’ll leave the chunky chain jewellery at home. It’s a way to feel a bit like myself while not going overboard and freaking my friends out, shrug.

So, with each of these outfit styles how I feel about myself and how I interact with the world changes. Some things remain no matter the look I wear, I will always stand up for myself, get easily irritated and have a snappy sarcastic comeback (shrug, sarcasm is in my blood lol) but other reactions are different, depending on the look. For example, today I was hiking and passed a guy with two pit bulls, I made a comment about him having beautiful dogs, he thanked me, we smiled as we went our separate ways. Not a big deal. Had I crossed paths with him on a sidewalk and I was dressed in my black/skull/leather combo I might have glanced at the dogs and admired them but wouldn’t have said anything. Why? Because in that look I am more anti-social, shrug.

When do our various looks stop showing off who we are and start restricting us? Start defining us more than we define the look? There is nothing stopping me from being anti-social when I’m dressed in my athletic clothes, and yet I am friendly when dressed like that, competitive, but friendly. Just like I am not friendly when dressed in black and skulls. I’m the same person, with the same likes, dis-likes, hopes, dreams, pet peeves but I don’t act like it…or maybe it’s that the really important parts of my personality act the same no matter the outfit (like sticking up for myself) but the less cemented parts shift as the look changes? When I get dressed I feel like I am putting on a character and while in that outfit I stay that character, maybe that’s an actor thing? or a me thing?

Awesome Sunday

1 Apr

Why can’t every day be like this past Sunday? Seriously, it was so much fun! Well…for me, others might not be that impressed with it lol πŸ˜›

It started off with something that wasn’t funny at the time but now is so sit back and enjoy a story that clearly shows you juuuuust how dumb I can be! πŸ˜‰

cant brain today

I didn’t have to work on Sunday, I had booked the day off so I could attend an Acting Workshop. The class didn’t start till 11am which meant I didn’t have to be up until 8:30am which is sooooo lovely compared to my normal wake-up time of 5:20am on a Sunday cause of working at 7am. Ugh.

Anyways!

So I get to sleep in which right there is a great improvement to the day lol I set the alarm for 8:30am the night before and blissfully drift off to sleep. Cue the morning when the alarm goes off. I couldn’t believe how tired I felt considering I got 6 hours of Β sleep but oh well, I roll out of bed, stumble my way to the shower and attempt to wake myself up while not drowning under the water spray. Next comes uber careful make-up application. More careful than normal since I am about to spend the day in front of a camera and I want to look good lol. After the make-up is complete I head towards the bedroom for hair and clothing. On the way I check the clock on the microwave to make sure I’m not running late and the time says, brace yourself!…6:22am. Um, what? That can’t be right, I didn’t get up till 8:30am. So I check the time on the stove clock, 6:22am. I start to get suspicious, they can’t both be wrong, can they? So I then go and check the one clock I know will never lie to me, my phone. Whaddya know, it says 6:23am.

What?!?! What is going on?? I check the alarm and there it is, my alarm is set for 8:30am so how in bloody hell did I end up with an alarm going off at 5:20am?

Turns out that while yes, I did set an alarm for 8:30am I forgot to turn off my alarm for 5:20am. Ooops! I was so tired when the 5:20am alarm went off, what with that being my approx 3 hours asleep mark I didn’t look at the clock, I just got up and started to get ready. I jipped myself our of 3 hours of sleep! *groan*

I did what any sensible person would do, I dried my hair, put my pajamas back on, crawled in to bed, spread my hair above my head on the pillow so I wouldn’t dent it while sleeping (just go with it, it’s a long-haired person thing), sternly lectured myself about not rolling over and ruining my make-up, and went back to sleep. Ahhh sleep! Since I was more than half ready for the day I got to sleep till 9am, wOOt!

*rolls eyes at self* I couldn’t believe I did that! Well, actually, yeah, I can lol but still!

What could have been taken as a bad omen for the day totally wasn’t, phew! My day was awesome – hence the title of this post lol πŸ˜›

The workshop was amazing!! As in completely, utterly, I wish I could do that everyday, amazing! The two ladies that ran it are Casting Directors so the workshop was half about getting to work on acting stuff and half about networking. Sometimes I suck at networking, I get stupidly shy at the worst moments and as a result come across as an idiot, or a bitch, or people thinking that I think I am better than everyone when that isn’t the case at all. It’s just that I’m a bit of an introvert and am socially awkward. I work really hard at being human when being social, I’d usually much rather be watching, not participating. But sometimes you just can’t do that, ya gotta participate. And I have to say, I did a damn fine job of it this time. The ladies were great, I made them laugh, they seemed to like me, they seemed to really like my acting. It was all kinds of perfect. πŸ™‚

The hope is that now that they have seen me on camera, worked with me, met and hopefully liked me, next time my agent submits me for a project they are casting they will be all “oh hey, it’s H! we like her, let’s bring her in!” See how that works? Networking!

I was going to go for a run in the are afterwards but it was raining and I forgot about one important thing. Hunger. I often forget I am going to have to eat throughout the day, I really wish I didn’t since it takes up so much time, sigh. I drove home, made a delish wrap (I put honey glazed chicken, Mediterranean and stir-fry veggies in it, oh and I spread two triangles of Jalapeno Laughing Cow Cheese on the wrap), called and chatted with the parents for a while, attempted to digest what turned out to be way too big of a wrap (I put way too many veggies in there, so good but omg my poor tummy lol). Then I basically chilled with the cat before I went out in the evening.

I loved Sunday. Not because I got to sleep in – sorta. Not because I got to not be at work – though that was nice. Not because I had an interesting start to the day which gave me a funny story to share – that’s a bit of a bonus. But because for a chunk of my day I got to be an actor. I got to play. I got to be in front of the camera, working on scenes, some improv, some scripted. I got to meet two amazing casting directors who gave me great feedback, constructive criticism, and who provided an open and safe environment to act in. I got to hang with other actors and talk about the industry. I got to feel like I was being pro-active towards my acting career. I got to feel alive. *happy sigh*

I wish everyday could be like Sunday. πŸ˜€

happy

Does Growing Up Mean You Have To Give Up?

29 Mar

Do you know what you were meant to be?

Some people believe there are destined career paths for all of us and it is just a matter of knowing yourself and knowing what that career path is. Sort of like your career soul mate.

I’ve known what I’ve wanted to be before I understood it was a career. We didn’t watch a lot of tv when I was growing up, mostly what was on the tv was news, hockey, once every four years the Olympics, oh and Saturday morning cartoons lol. Basically, the shows that had real people in them were things that actually really did have real people being themselves (like news anchors).

When I got a bit older and started watching things that weren’t cartoons I wanted to be so many different things because I thought the characters I saw on tv were real people. If I saw a show and there was a cop character I really liked I wanted to be a cop. Hell, when I watched Free Willy I was torn between wanting to be a runaway kid and a marine biologist lol I actually spent a chunk of time learning about dolphins and whales, pestering the trainers at the dolphin exhibit in the mall with all sorts of questions about the health and habits of dolphins because I wanted to know everything about them. I thought by being a marine biologist that would make me like the character in the movie. Oh my twisted logic! πŸ˜›

Growing up I wanted to be a lot of things because of this misunderstanding about the people on tv and in movies. Sure, kids want to be lots of different things as they grow up but all the careers I chose were because I wanted to be that person on tv, not because of the career itself.

As I got older I started learning more about Hollywood and tv filming etc and I was hit smack dab with the realization I was screwed. Hollywood is in LA, I can’t work in LA, I’m Canadian. I’m not going to be randomly spotted by a scout, or have an easy time figuring out how to get an agent cause not only am I in Canada, I am in the freakin prairies! Nothing film-wise happens there! I shoved down my desire to be an actress because it seemed impractical (I come from a very practical family) and more than that, it seemed impossible. I didn’t tell anyone what I wanted to be because I feared their responses, so I kept my wanting-to-act a secret and just daydreamed about it. Those daydreams were half torment (constantly thinking about something you are convinced you can’t have sucks) and my only escape from the life path I seemed stuck on.

growing up sucks

Then I learned about film school. I was close to finishing my Bachelor of Arts Degree and getting more and more depressed thinking about how when I finished my bachelors I was going to go write LSATS and go to law school and while I’d be making everyone in my family happy I’d be quietly miserable. It was either that or get my Masters in Sociology which was more tolerable of an idea but less likely to get me a career when I was done so what was the point? A friend showed me a pamphlet about the film school he was going to for Digital Game Design, as I was flipping through it I saw they had an Acting Department. I was floored. You can go to school to learn how to act in Canada? How did I not know this?? Probably because I was so busy trying to hide from myself just how desperately I wanted to act. I asked if I could keep the pamphlet and tucked it in my bag. I carried it around with me for days, pulling it out, re-reading it like it was some forbidden text. I checked the school out online and it opened something in me. The box I had stuffed my dream in to opened a crack and I experienced a little bit of hope that just maybe I could have a chance to follow my dream. I applied for Acting School on the sly, didn’t tell anyone, I figured if they didn’t accept me no one had to know and if they did well, I’d deal with that if it happened.

It totally happened. They got my submission package, it included two self-taped monologues, and I got immediate acceptance. They actually apologized for taking a day and a half to contact me but they had to wait for one more person to view the monologues before officially accepting me even though everyone who had watched my tape said yes to taking me in. It seemed unreal. I was so excited I wanted to get up and dance lol

So here I am, years later, living in BC, still trying to earn a living at acting. I had the unfortunate luck of getting a string of not-great agents (one literally disappeared!), and having day jobs that barely pay the bills meaning all the investments I as an actor am supposed to make to be viable in the industry very rarely get made (new headshots on a frequent basis, demo reels, appropriate wardrobe, continued acting classes/workshops and more). Acting is one of those things you have to invest a lot of money in to before you’ll get anything out of it and I never have the money, I’m impressed if I can pay my rent, bills and buy groceries all in one month! lol

A friend of mine lately has been on my case about going back to school, she says I am wasting my brain at my day job (which yeah, ok, I am) and she feels I should give up on acting and get a responsible career. sigh. She’s not the only one, I know my parents would love it if I’d quit with the acting and do something that was more sensible. And yeah, I’ve been poor a long time, and some days I think I’m done with it and can give up my dream if it means I can have a larger, steady paycheque that allows to me to pay my bills, get out of debt and maybe even save a little but when I really sit down and think about it I cringe. Not about the money part, of course I want more money, but the giving up on my dream part.

Acting is…it is my thing. It is what I was meant to do. Nothing else makes me feel the way acting does, whether it is working on a scene, being in front of a camera, plotting my rise to fame with my agent. Just the idea of giving up, of no longer trying makes me sad. But I know I have to grow up at some point, and maybe I am at that point. Maybe I can’t wait for a time where I don’t feel despondent about quitting acting, maybe that will never happen, maybe I just have to push all my dreams back in to a dark corner in my heart and forget about them, squish them down and become like everybody else, doing a job I don’t love but that pays the bills with a little left over.

With that in mind I have an appointment this coming week for a tour of the Law Department at UBC. If I’m gonna go back might as well go back to the original responsible plan right? I had convinced myself I was ok with this tour, that it would be interesting and maybe I was up for a change until I got an email from the University I got my Bachelors from. It was an email with highlights of what people have been doing and one of the highlights was about a play being put on by students there, my first thought was if I go to Law school I’ll never have the chance to perform again, I’ll be giving all that up, and my heart hurt a bit. Why does growing up and making grown up decisions have to include the death of my dream and involve my giving up on what I want?

Growing up sucks.

were adults

My Last Three Days

21 Mar

My last three days have been busy, or at least they felt that way but when I look back on them I can’t figure out why they felt so busy…weird… πŸ˜›

Well ok, Tuesday wasn’t busy lol I slept in, chilled with the cat then went to dragon boat practice. After practice I made dinner, cooked a new fish dish which turned out well, when I say “well” I mean I didn’t give myself food poisoning lol It tasted fine, nothing great so I won’t be buying it again, shrug. It was healthy though, which was what I was aiming for so yay for getting that right! Although, someone out there will probably read what it was and say I am wrong *rolls eyes* Leave me with my delusions!Β lol

It was a coconut crusted piece of tilapia, there was seasoning in there too, not like it was just coconut but since it came pre-crusted/seasoned I couldn’t say for sure what those seasonings were…

tilapia coated with seasoning and coconut, yams and grilled peppers

tilapia coated with seasoning and coconut, yams and grilled peppers

I paired it with some red and yellow grilled peppers and some sliced yam, those were cooked in a pan on top of the stove with no butter/spray/oil used, I just put a small bit of water in the pan so the food didn’t stick. I was paranoid about cooking the fish, the instructions said cook for ten minutes per inch and a half of thickness, what?? That’s not cool, I want specific directions for my piece of fish, I want to be told exactly how many minutes for my fish, not have to figure it out myself cause dude, I’ll figure it out wrong! Least, that was the panicked thoughts going through my head lol Turns out it was cooked perfectly, go fig! πŸ™‚

Wednesday I spent the afternoon with my lil sis at the mall. Normally I try to get us doing something active for at least part of our time together but her birthday was this week so I let her decide every thing we did Wednesday which meant we spent the entire time in the mall. Ah well, it’s her day! πŸ™‚ We had fun, which was a given really lol I bought a new phone case for myself which I am in love with right now, every time I pick up my phone I laugh, teehee, and yes I know, I am easily amused. It is a someecards cover and looks like this…

cause I know you care what my phone case looks like lol

cause I know you care what my phone case looks like lol

We had a pit stop at Tim Horton’s cause well, why wouldn’t we?? There is a new maple glazed doughnut out and all I can say to Timmy’s about that is bravo *slow clap* ya done goooooood! My other comment to them is where are all the winning cups?? It’s Roll Up The Rim game time and none of my cups have won so far! *pout*

medium steeped tea and a doughnut, classic!

medium steeped tea and a doughnut, classic!

In the evening I hung out with KL, we got dinner (Indian food, Mmm!), then saw the movie 12 Years A Slave and holy crap was it amazing! Brutal. But amazing. So no exercise for me at all on Wednesday, and lots of food, which is sorta reversed to how it is supposed to be but alas, Wednesday was two days ago so there’s nuthin I can do about it now! lol πŸ˜›

Sidenote:

Every time this commercial comes on tv I stop and watch. I love it, well, right up until it gets to the part about advertising for Centrum Science Multi-Vitamins cause I’m not on that whole vitamin bandwagon but I find the commercial inspiring (to a point). All those people, of various ages and backgrounds taking part in a wide variety of physical activities, leading healthy lifestyles, I dunno, something about it makes me want to do more. Try a new sport, or go back to one I used to do and stopped *cough*boxing*cough*

Thursday!

I had a relaxing morning, went to an audition early afternoon, then dragon boat practice at night then out for dinner later that night. Thursday was a good day. πŸ™‚

The audition went great, I got amazing feedback from the casting director so wOOt! wOOt! I can’t tell anything about the project or specifics about the auditions cause I signed a non-disclosure agreement but if it turns in to anything rest assured I’ll be linking it to my blog so you can all pretend to watch it lol πŸ˜‰

At practice we got informed that us girls have to train twice as hard as the guys and that we (this time I mean everyone, not just the girls) are supposed to be eating healthy (duh!) and we aren’t supposed to drink alcohol…um, what? Not like I drink a lot or anything but…none? At all? Hmm…this woman really doesn’t know us lol

Her strictness with things did help curb my appetite today though, which I suppose is good, any little bit helps right? I had dinner at work but only cause it was a fish steak with veggies, there were other things with it (mashed potatoes, spring rolls, apple pie etc) but I didn’t eat those. Didn’t even snag a cookie for dessert!

Oh and lastly! A friend of mine who is a trainer informed me that a respectable time to complete my BMO Run is 45 minutes…I’m going to die…my training is pretty much non-existent, which is not good, I’ve gotta start kicking my own ass in to gear when it comes to running, ugh. Whyyyyyy did I sign up for this? Stupid-wanting-a-new-challenge-feeling *rolls eyes* πŸ˜›

Middle Ground

15 Mar

I’ve got a pair of pants that when I bought them I thought they fit but once I got them home and wore them out for the first time I realized they were actually a bit too big. The crotch (I hate that word! lol) was too low so it rubbed against the inside of my thighs causing pain and raw skin…too much info? only happens to me? Yeah, sigh, figures… πŸ˜‰ lol

Anyways! I put the pants in the dryer, a calculated risk, that I hoped would prove to be a smart idea. It did, sorta. The pants, after a couple runs through the dryer fit better around the waist, butt, hips and leg areas. They were a tad shorter than I like but not so much shorter I can’t still wear them with a variety of shoes. Phew! My legs are so long I hang to dry all pants because they can very quickly become too short and I look like that person who is expecting a flood 24/7 lol πŸ˜›

So today for work I wore the pants. I was maaaaaybe an hour in to my shift and every time I was standing or walking I was also pulling the pants up a bit and wishing I’d worn a belt. They were fitting looser in all areas but of course were still the tad too short they had been since the dryer stints.

I don’t know if this means I have lost a little bit of weight (please oh please mean I have lost some weight! *crosses fingers*) or if it means my pants have stretched out a bit or didn’t shrink quite as much as I realized. Obviously I’m hoping I got smaller not that my pants got bigger.

I seem to appear to be back in the middle ground of clothing sizes. I hate the middle ground. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, it is that stage where you are becoming too small for one size but are still too big for the next size down so your clothes don’t fit nicely no matter what you wear. It sucks even if it is an indication you’re on the right track.

this goes for all clothes

this goes for all clothes

Thing is, I can’t think of anything that would have made me slim down a bit so I’m leaning towards the pants stretching out, which sucks.

I’ve been working on making small changes with my food, cutting out the processed foods I’d been enjoying during my off season, drinking more water, making sure to get protein in at every meal (well, ok, almost every meal, this is me after all lol), and, the big one, I’m eating less peanut butter! Shocking I know! I mean c’mon, I am the person who happily eats a couple spoonfuls of peanut butter and considers it a meal lol But yeah, small changes to my eating, nothing major, nothing to warrant slimming down enough to make pants fit looser.

One happy bonus to the pants fitting loosely this evening was it made it easier to resist bad-for-me-foods cause I kept thinking “if I have lost some weight I don’t wanna gain it back by making a stupid food choice” lol Oh the things I use for increasing my willpower! πŸ˜›

I have noticed lately that I am finding it easier to resist the foods that usually have me caving. Weird huh? Weird but awesome! If I walk through the bakery section at the grocery store I may glance at all the bakery items I usually drool over but I don’t pause and I definitely don’t buy. I contemplated pizza earlier in the week but easily managed to not order it. I’m finding it easier to not eat the foods at work.

I’m not sure where this increase in willpower has come from but I like it! πŸ™‚ Maybe it’s because it’s dragon boat season again and I want to be in peak condition for practices and for the upcoming race season. Maybe it’s because I am “training” for the BMO Run and keep having horrifying images of a fat me being the last to cross the finish line at the run. Maybe it’s because I have had two auditions in the past two weeks (hoorah!) and want to look better and better for each upcoming audition. That and obviously the more confident I feel about how I look the less I will worry about it when in front of the camera meaning the more I can focus on my acting…and the Β more I will look “right” according to casting directors.

It’s probably some combination of all these things and more, who knows what is lurking in my sub-conscious? lol πŸ˜‰

Whatever it is, I am glad for it. Glad to be that person who easily walks past all the high calorie, processed, so tasty but so bad for me foods and buys the healthy stuff. Glad to be getting back to the way I used to be. Glad that this juuuuust might be the first step towards a healthier, stronger, slimmer me. *crosses fingers*

take the first step, put down the cookie!

take the first step, put down the cookie!

 

Mish-Mash

30 Jan

I (quite unintentionally!) have not written in a couple days and it is driving me nuts! lol Not like some huge life altering thing happened in the last couple days just that I feel weird for having not written…go fig! πŸ˜›

So here’s a random mish-mash of thoughts that went through my head lately…

My mail for the day, wtf??

My mail for the day, wtf??

The above shows everything I got in the mail on Monday. W.T.F?!?! All ads for fast food, two are for pizza places, one for Quizno’s (and before you try to say Quizno’s sells subs and is healthy go look at the nutritional information, you might as well be eating at McDonald’s!). Why-oh-why don’t I ever see flyers with coupons in my mailbox for places that sell legit healthy food? Hmm? The ad industry is obviously trying to keep us all fat, *rolls eyes* lol I would go out of my way to use a coupon at a Pita Pit but I’ve never seen a flyer/coupon for them ever...

Which leads me to…Why are all the drive-thru food places only places that sell bad-for-me-food? When I was having all that hip pain I ended up going through a fast food drive thru because I (1) had limited food at home, what I had required being able to stand long enough to prep and cook it and I couldn’t do that (2) had been in the hospital for over five plus hours, was on my home and was really hungry and (3) wasn’t able to bare the pain of getting out of my suv, hobbling around a grocery store and then maneuvering back in to my suv to drive home. The only option for food that I had was various fast food joints that had drive-thru. Subway drive-thru? Nope. (and yes I know they count as fast food but at least you have healthy options there) Pita Pit drive-thru? Nope. Hell, a Booster Juice drive-thru? Definitely nope. Is it because if you are eating somewhere healthy you are supposed to be energetic enough to get out of your car to get your food? That seems discriminatory against people with mobility issues…just sayin…:P

Early Valentine's Day Gift

Early Valentine’s Day Gift

A friend of mine gave me the above slow cooker as an early Valentine’s gift and I am super stoked to use it! I got it Sunday and have yet to take it out of the box cause well, to be honest I haven’t been cooking much on these days off and it seems slow cookers take a bit of fore-thought. Not like pulling out a frying pan, tossing some stuff in it and boom! food! Nooooo, the slow cooker needs me to know in advance what I want to put in it and then use it. I don’t know that I am capable of that! lol πŸ˜‰ I really wanted to use it before I go to work Friday afternoon cause I’ll be seeing the friend that gave it to me and I wanted a story of the epic meal I made in it but uh, I don’t think that’s really gonna happen…shoot…I should really go google slow cooker recipes, there might still be time?

My agent sent out some sides (that means copy of a script), I am to work on a couple scenes for a specific character, really nail it, then go film it at the office (he has studio space), it is to send to casting agents so they can see what I can do using a more recent script. I’m really psyched about it cause (1) it gives me something to work on not just that I came up with but that has a purpose and (2) shows my agent is planning/plotting/thinking which I loooooove!

My little sister and I met with the trainer again yesterday, makes for two Wednesdays in a row. πŸ™‚ We had physical assessment tests done, he is going to email us our results but I haven’t gotten an email yet. I don’t know that I want to know the results lol I mean, I know how many push-ups I was able to do, and how long I lasted in the cardio-endurance test, I know I scored perfect on balance (which if you know me is funny cause I am always off balance lol) and I know how I did on some of the other things but I don’t think I want to know my body fat %, or my weight, or just how low I scored on my core strength (suuuuper low I am sure!). I just want all that to stay unknown to me and then when I get retested in a couple months or so I want to be told I improved…but specific numbers? That knowledge will just be depressing I think…We had homework for the past week, the food journal, I handed it in but don’t know what he has made of it yet, eek! This week my homework is to keep track of what physical fitness stuff I do and tell him next Wednesday, I feel he’ll be disappointed if I say I did nothing so I’m gonna hafta make sure I get off my ass and do something…

Speaking of getting off ones ass, I had wanted to go running today and had the perfect route! I had to go to work this afternoon for a meeting and thought I’d park at a grocery store then run to work, attend the meeting, and run back to my suv, perfect right?! πŸ™‚ It would have been about 8km total (that’s 5 miles I believe) but it was crap ass weather, pouring rain, and while I was ok with attending the meeting being sweaty I wasn’t ok with attending it looking like a drowned rat. 😦 So that didn’t happen. I am just not a do-stuff-in-the-rain kind of person…unless it is dragon boating but hey, that’s a water sport, I’m gonna get wet anyways lol

I managed to steam a spaghetti squash tonight for the first time ever! Soooo happy it worked! I had to call my mom for some help and she very nicely ensured I didn’t screw it up lol I paired the squash with some feta cheese and a red pepper antipasto, it was ok. I also had a cheese and broccoli stuffed chicken breast which was super yum. πŸ™‚ I took a picture but it doesn’t look good at all so I’ll leave you to your imagination on this one lol. πŸ˜›

Stir Fry Sunday

19 Jan

I officially declare Sunday: Stir Fry Sunday! *insert parade here* πŸ™‚

I don’t know why but I got the random idea to make stir fry for dinner tonight, I made a list of all the various ingredients I needed, hit up the grocery store on the way home from work and bam! cooking ensued! wOOt!

Because I was down about not getting to film the commercial today I wanted to make sure I did something that I would enjoy, well, either enjoy the act of or the result of during the time I would have been filming. I don’t particularly like cooking but I do enjoy stir fry, and eating lol I used to make stir fry fairly often years ago but I don’t really remember what I did back then so I was approaching this task as a newbie.

Normally I don’t use raw meat, unless it is frozen and requires minimal touching. Raw meat = yuch! Also, if I am not throwing a frozen chicken breast or frozen piece of fish in the oven then my protein usually comes from tofu, fake meat, eggs, things like that. I am always so certain I will under cook the meat and give myself food poisoning and duuuude, that would suck! …obviously lol…Well, today a friend gave me a look, you know the look, the kind that is clearly labeling you as a dumbass in their eyes when I told her I don’t cook raw chicken, she then gave me a thawed, raw, icky chicken breast, told me to cube it, throw it in the wok first with a bit of oil and I’d be fine.

Since I can’t lose face over this I…cooked the chicken! *gasp* Β I’m sure to you this is ho-hum but to me it’s a big deal cause ick, I had to touch raw meat, and cutΒ it, and cook it well enough I didn’t get sick from it…that’s a lot! I also then had to bleach the sink, knife and cutting board cause there was raw chicken touching all those surfaces, or the juices from the raw chicken, and now I envision salmonella spawning all around my kitchen. Double ick! πŸ˜›

I used a bit too much oil, I drained a whole bunch before putting any veggies in the pan, but other than that the cooking went really well! I tossed in some frozen veggies from the Europe’s Best brand, there wereΒ orange carrots, snow peas, yellow carrots, water chestnuts, red peppers, baby corn and bean sprouts in that mix. I then added more water chestnuts (you can never have too many! lol), raw sliced red and yellow peppers, sliced mushrooms and at the very end some baby spinach (I just warmed it up, didn’t cook it), oh and I put some stir fry sauce I bought at Safeway in there for flavour. For plating it, I put the veggie and chicken mix over some brown rice, sprinkled a bit of soy sauce on and topped with peanuts.

Holy cannoli it was gooood! πŸ˜€

I made that! whoa!

I made that! whoa!

There is even more of a bonus to this delish meal, because I didn’t measure anything, just added stuff, I made enough for two servings, as you can see in the picture, so I now have lunch for tomorrow sitting in my fridge. How great is that? I have no idea if this was healthy or not since I didn’t measure anything, just poured in amounts of things that looked good lol I figure it can’t be too too horrible since it was a meal made up of mostly veggies, with some protein and a bit of starch. There is probably a healthier alternative to brown rice but I don’t know what that is. But hey, that is what Stir Fry Sunday is for! To experiment with different combinations of things on a weekly basis, fair warning, this could get weird lol

I had a distressing discovery when cooking, I no longer have my wok…I have no clue where it went to and I’m kinda cranky about that. I had a really nice wok, I can’t remember getting rid of it, and I can’t imagine why I would have, but since it is gone I must have decided at some point to give it away, sigh, stupid stupid move! This was made in a large frying pan and it just wasn’t the same, even though it did turn out delish lol

I’m going to wait to buy a new wok, see how consistent I am with Stir Fry Sunday, I figure if I make stir fry weekly for a month or so then that justifies buying a new wok, until then the frying pan it is! Which makes me a bit ghetto but oh well lol

A Little Down Lately

18 Jan

Do you ever have days where for absolutely no reason you can point to you are a bit down? I’ve been having days like that lately and when I have the energy to care it pisses me off, mostly I don’t have the energy to care though lol

This evening I am a bit down but I know why. I got booked in a non-union no-pay commercial that is filming tomorrow. The plan was I would rush after work to the set and film, yay! Even though I wouldn’t be getting paid it would be good exposure and I looooove being on set. Plus, it is my first official booking with my new agent and it seemed like a great sign for how the rest of the year would go, so soon in the year getting a booking? What a wicked start!

Well, sigh, I got an email that the time of the shoot has been changed to tomorrow at 11:30am, I can’t make it because I will be at my day job and it wasn’t enough notice for me to swap shifts. Ugh. Luckily, because it is a no-pay gig I won’t get in trouble for not being able to go anymore but there goes my exposure, double sigh.

Since I got the email with the change of time I’ve been down. On my drive back to my apartment after work this evening I was actively thinking about getting a milk shake, as if drinking a ridiculously high in calorie drink would somehow make me feel better. Taste good suuuuuure but do anything good for me long term? Nope. Short term though…well, that’s a different matter since some days a person just wants to eat/drink their feelings lol

Instead of buying a milkshake I made a drink at home that I love but rarely have because it isn’t all that great for me (though there are a lot worse drinks out there lol) but also because I like saving it as a treat.

these two added to warm milk = deliciousness

these two added to warm milk = deliciousness

You take milk, warm it on the stove, while it is heating up add a couple tablespoons of the almond powder that is in the pink tin, stir for a bit, pour in to a mug and sprinkle some nutmeg on top.

It’ll look like this…

Warm Almond Milk topped with Nutmeg

Warm Almond Milk topped with Nutmeg

If you are like me you have a mug you use for special comfort drinks (hot chocolate, warm almond milk with nutmeg…um, those are my only comfort drinks lol) which is why my drink is in that snazzy Star Trek mug that I got in Vegas. πŸ™‚

I haven’t been working out a lot lately, read between the lines and that translates to “I haven’t been working out at all lately” 😦 Bad me! *shakes finger at self* Mostly because of the hip and a small part because of my being lazy lol I went for a walk last Wednesday and am embarrassed to admit that was my only form of activity for all of last week. Laaaaaaame!

So now I’m trying to decide which way the correlation goes, do I feel down and as a result haven’t been exercising or have I not been exercising and that has me feeling down…either way the result is I am not exercising. *rolls eyes* I had a day or two last week where if I had wanted to push the hip I probably could have done something active but didn’t go because (get this!) I felt fat! Yeah, you read that right…I had a day where I didn’t go to the gym because I felt too fat to go to the gym, I felt that everyone would be staring and judging me as I failed on the treadmill, as I tried to lift weights, as I looked ridiculous stretching…you get the idea…

I am well aware of the faults in this logic…I can’t get in shape if I am not exercising but I was feeling too down and fat to want to go exercise. This is not a situation I am used to and I’m not really sure how to get out of it…*confused face*

I’ve decided I’m fed up with myself. Hell, I am irritating myself. So tonight before I go to bed I am going to pack a bag with my work out stuff in it and hang it on the door knob to my front door, that way I can’t possibly forget it tomorrow when I leave for work. Then after work no matter what I am exercising! I may go to the gym, I may go for an outdoor run, I dunno, but I am damn sure I am gonna do something cause no way I’ll start feeling better about how I look if I just keep doing nothing.

get out of your own way

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